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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Dinah on May 6, 2005, at 11:28:25
In reply to Re: How do you talk about sex? Icky Trigger., posted by gardenergirl on May 6, 2005, at 7:33:46
I really like that idea, gg. :) I was thinking of insisting we do the sessions in writing, like we had each had a tonsillectomy, but flashcards are more efficient.
Actually I'm getting a wee bit better. I think he's slowly desensitizing me. Venturing a bit here, and when I shy away pulling away any pressure. Then inserting it into what feels like casual conversation a bit later. Dropping a topic that I flatly refused to discuss, but introducing equally explicit ones that I didn't mind discussing, then meandering back to edge along the first topic.
Dang he's good.
Going every day this week was helpful because it facilitated that sort of interaction. I'm back to twice a week next week and that will be harder. He's left the door open to doing more intense work and scheduling more sessions, but I don't know that I can afford it. :(
On the other hand, we've done more intense work this past week than we've done in the entire ten years I've been seeing him. I brought in something that I wrote (Don't ask me what because I thought he'd give me back that copy and didn't keep it. It was sort of a loose associations of memories on sexual moments growing up.) He took more notes on that sheet of paper over the course of two days than I've seen him take in a normal couple of months. I sort of hate to slow the momentum.
Posted by fallsfall on May 6, 2005, at 12:40:30
In reply to Re: How do you talk about sex? Flashcards » gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on May 6, 2005, at 11:28:25
>On the other hand, we've done more intense work this past week than we've done in the entire ten years I've been seeing him.
I'm so proud of you, Dinah.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 6, 2005, at 13:07:43
In reply to Re: How do you talk about sex? Flashcards » gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on May 6, 2005, at 11:28:25
Wow, good for you. I always think it's a good idea to "make hay while the sun shines."
I'm going to twice a week starting next week. Considering how awkward and self-conscious I felt the other day, I sure hope that I can get past that by going more often.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on May 6, 2005, at 13:08:20
In reply to Re: How do you talk about sex? Icky Trigger. » gardenergirl, posted by crushedout on May 6, 2005, at 10:01:10
I understand. I just don't want to be that explicit for posterity. :-D
gg
Posted by crushedout on May 6, 2005, at 13:13:34
In reply to Re: How do you talk about sex? Icky Trigger. » crushedout, posted by gardenergirl on May 6, 2005, at 13:08:20
hmm, yeah, i hadn't thought about it that way. well, if you T. writes stuff down, I guess that could be permanent also. (Mine writes EVERYTHING down. it's weird but i also kinda like it.)
Posted by JenStar on May 7, 2005, at 17:47:16
In reply to Re: How do you talk about sex? Icky Trigger. » gardenergirl, posted by crushedout on May 6, 2005, at 13:13:34
I'm curious about how many T's "force the topic" or ask about sex when you've been seeing them for a while. Does it always come up? If you don't want to talk about it, is that a topic for analysis in itself? I myself am not that comfortable talking about sex with even my friends (explicitly.) We're just not "Sex in the City" kind of gals when it comes to guy talk (although I loved that show and wasn't embarrassed to WATCH it with people, or anything! It's just when it comes to ME, I don't share those personal details easily.) So for me, it's not something I'd feel "right" talking to a T about - esp. questions about masturbation, fantasies, etc.
Do all of your T bring it up at some time? Is it something that HAS to be discussed for healthy therapy?
JenStar
Posted by crushedout on May 7, 2005, at 17:52:24
In reply to does every T bring up sex at some point?, posted by JenStar on May 7, 2005, at 17:47:16
I wish. I'd love it if they brought it up. I often avoid the topic but I'd really like to talk about it all the time. I know this may seem to contradict stuff I said earlier, but it doesn't.
Posted by Dinah on May 7, 2005, at 18:39:06
In reply to does every T bring up sex at some point?, posted by JenStar on May 7, 2005, at 17:47:16
Mine brought it up in the natural course of events the first few months of therapy. Must be part of his standard quality of life agenda.
After that he never brought it up unless I do.
Sometimes he'll ask me in a later session if I've thought about something from an earlier session, but that's not bringing it up out of the blue.
Posted by crushedout on May 7, 2005, at 18:47:06
In reply to Re: does every T bring up sex at some point? » JenStar, posted by Dinah on May 7, 2005, at 18:39:06
Mine only brings it up when it seems like it might be relevant. Not just out of the blue, like, when there's a lull she never says, "So... been masturbating a lot lately???" I s'pose that might make me uncomfortable.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 7, 2005, at 19:20:43
In reply to does every T bring up sex at some point?, posted by JenStar on May 7, 2005, at 17:47:16
> I'm curious about how many T's "force the topic" or ask about sex when you've been seeing them for a while. Does it always come up? If you don't want to talk about it, is that a topic for analysis in itself?
My T has brought up content from previous sessions related to sex. He actually brought up my fantasies once! Yiii! But of course I had already told them to him. He also once brought it up as an observation that I was avoiding talking about it. I had been talking about it previous sessions, and then we had a week or two off for some reason (I forget). And when we resumed, I didn't go back to it for a few weeks, and in the meantime found myself in another depressive episode. His theory was he had failed to make a critical interpretation before, and that may have made me deteriorate.
>I myself am not that comfortable talking about sex with even my friends (explicitly.) We're just not "Sex in the City" kind of gals when it comes to guy talk (although I loved that show and wasn't embarrassed to WATCH it with people, or anything!
Same with me. I almost never talk about sex, especially explicitly. I do have a friend I talk to about it. She helps me with all my naive questions, since I've always been kind of sheltered. Kind of like you would ask a big sister. ((((My honorary big sis!))))
>It's just when it comes to ME, I don't share those personal details easily.) So for me, it's not something I'd feel "right" talking to a T about - esp. questions about masturbation, fantasies, etc.
If you don't have any issues with sex, it's certainly not necessary to talk about it. And even if you do, you don't have to talk about it. But it can help. But boy, I still get embarrassed sometimes!
>
>gg
Posted by 10derHeart on May 7, 2005, at 22:21:57
In reply to Re: does every T bring up sex at some point?, posted by crushedout on May 7, 2005, at 18:47:06
Posted by 10derHeart on May 7, 2005, at 22:51:16
In reply to LOL! crushed...you crack me up..thanks! (nm) » crushedout, posted by 10derHeart on May 7, 2005, at 22:21:57
...if a T. did ever ask me that, especially a male (which I've mostly worked with), I swear I'd snap back, calmly and straight-faced, "Maybe. Have you?"
I would. 'cause I'm generally a smart*ss when confronted like that.
'course it likely would never happen...but sounds kind of like a fun (and embarrassing) challenge to me... ;-)
errr...the conservation *about* the topic, I meant, not the actual....
Posted by pinkeye on May 8, 2005, at 12:12:03
In reply to does every T bring up sex at some point?, posted by JenStar on May 7, 2005, at 17:47:16
If you don't have any issues around it, even if the T brings it up, you can say you are fine in that aspect.
I am not a very open sex talking kind of person either.. But I was glad that my T atleast opened the gate for me intiially, he asked if there were any problems between me and my husband about it. And that helped me go back to him later when I did have some problems with my husband.
I think all Ts need to open it up with their clients. But I am pretty sure a good T will sense your level of comfortness and openess and will suit his/her words/choices around what is comfortable for you.
Posted by Shortelise on May 8, 2005, at 12:14:29
In reply to does every T bring up sex at some point?, posted by JenStar on May 7, 2005, at 17:47:16
He never brought it up. We've talked about sex in general terms, about how there are people who smell right, how there are lovers who are just ... right, no matter how wrong they might be for a relationship. And how I used sex for closeness. But never in terms of what goes where and when and then what happens. Aie aie aie. It doesn't seem to be an issue I can deal with with this T. Maybe sex just isn't an issue for me.
ShortE
Posted by cricket on May 9, 2005, at 12:50:33
In reply to does every T bring up sex at some point?, posted by JenStar on May 7, 2005, at 17:47:16
He does bring up sex sometimes. Out of the blue, he will ask "So how's your sex life?" which can be quite funny.
But not as funny as the one time he instructed me how to talk to my husband about sex. My T pretended like he was me and said, "You know, {husband's name}, that was really wonderful. But I would really like it if you did more of {explicit sexual act}."
Just hearing my T act like he was me in a post-coital moment was very strange. It felt like there were one too many people in the bed.
Posted by annierose on May 9, 2005, at 16:24:46
In reply to Re: does every T bring up sex at some point?, posted by cricket on May 9, 2005, at 12:50:33
LOL ... that would be uncomfortable for me as well. It's good to know that our T's want us to have a fullfilling sex life.
It's a hard subject to bring up, but I almost never regret when I do. My sex life is pretty boring, so, in that sense, I don't imagine her laughing about my escapades, or lack thereof.
Posted by Dinah on May 9, 2005, at 18:23:55
In reply to Re: does every T bring up sex at some point?, posted by cricket on May 9, 2005, at 12:50:33
lol. I'm beginning to get the feeling that I like your therapist.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on May 10, 2005, at 12:55:40
In reply to does every T bring up sex at some point?, posted by JenStar on May 7, 2005, at 17:47:16
Well this thread really got me thinking!
Personally, I've never brought it up... I think I'd be way too embarrassed. My therapist never really brought it up either... directly. I mean, I remember maybe two times when she was going over the "rules" of therapy, and she said something like, "you can talk about whatever you want: blah blah blah, sex, blah blah blah." But she's never been more direct than that. Sometimes I wonder if she's waiting for me to bring it up? I don't even know if I have anything to talk about since I'm not married, and my boyfriend's job transferred him to another state and I haven't seen him in about a year. Obviously no sex there! And I'm not the type to sleep around, and I'm sure she knows it. I dunno... I don't have a sex life. So what's to talk about, ya know? But I do fear sex, and although I do miss my boyfriend, I haven't gone out looking for a replacement. Yeah, maybe I do have issues there...
~LGL
Posted by crushedout on May 10, 2005, at 14:35:46
In reply to Re: does every T bring up sex at some point?, posted by LittleGirlLost on May 10, 2005, at 12:55:40
yeah lack of sex or fear of sex is probably more fodder for therapy than talking about actually having sex. also, masturbation and fantasies are sex, too. at least they fall under the topic. and are often harder to talk about (more embarrassing) than talking about having it with another person.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on May 10, 2005, at 15:53:54
In reply to Re: does every T bring up sex at some point? » LittleGirlLost, posted by crushedout on May 10, 2005, at 14:35:46
> yeah lack of sex or fear of sex is probably more fodder for therapy than talking about actually having sex.
You are probably right... I just can't see myself bringing it up though, although if she did, then I might be more open to talking about it (possibly!).
>also, masturbation and fantasies are sex, too. at least they fall under the topic. and are often harder to talk about (more embarrassing) than talking about having it with another person.
Okay, now that is something I could NEVER talk about! Yikes! I actually had a T ask me that once... she was a real feminist... I was just like, Yikes!! and changed the subject no doubt.
~LGL
Posted by Dinah on May 10, 2005, at 16:34:57
In reply to Re: does every T bring up sex at some point? » LittleGirlLost, posted by crushedout on May 10, 2005, at 14:35:46
>
> also, masturbation and fantasies are sex, too. at least they fall under the topic. and are often harder to talk about (more embarrassing) than talking about having it with another person.Why? I am seriously genuinely interested. I only know what's in my own mind, and am interested in the minds of others. To me, it's such a natural part of nearly everyone's existence that it's no big deal at all.
Posted by crushedout on May 10, 2005, at 18:37:33
In reply to Re: does every T bring up sex at some point?, posted by Dinah on May 10, 2005, at 16:34:57
not for any good reason. just cuz we're taught that it's weird or bad on some level. really it's not at all. it's totally normal. and i'm not ashamed of it, but i still feel shy talking about it with my T for some reason. i guess to me, the image in someone else's mind of me having sex by myself seems kind of pathetic, whereas the image of me having sex with someone else might even be erotic.
Posted by TofuEmmy on May 10, 2005, at 19:19:10
In reply to Re: does every T bring up sex at some point?, posted by LittleGirlLost on May 10, 2005, at 12:55:40
Just wanted to say Hi :-)
emsky
Posted by Tamar on May 11, 2005, at 6:27:15
In reply to Re: does every T bring up sex at some point?, posted by Dinah on May 10, 2005, at 16:34:57
> > also, masturbation and fantasies are sex, too. at least they fall under the topic. and are often harder to talk about (more embarrassing) than talking about having it with another person.
>
> Why? I am seriously genuinely interested. I only know what's in my own mind, and am interested in the minds of others. To me, it's such a natural part of nearly everyone's existence that it's no big deal at all.I never talked about fantasies with my T! Eek! I know rationally that it’s a natural part of everyone’s existence, but nevertheless I feel that my fantasies are extremely personal: much more personal than if I were to discuss sex acts. And I think most of my fantasies are very very tame, so I’m a bit embarrassed about that, oddly enough.
It’s funny though: a few months ago, while I was still seeing my T, I was driving home from work one day and an image sprung into my mind: a sexual image that I found quite disturbing because it was unlike any other fantasies I’ve ever had. But instead of pushing it out of my mind I allowed it to develop a bit. (OK, I went home and wrote it all down like a porn story. I would post it on Writing to give you a laugh, but it would be too full of asterisks to be understood.) But I realised that it had appeared because of things I’d been talking about in therapy.
Perhaps I could have told my T about this new fantasy, because it was quite significant. But the idea of saying the words out loud, to him, and imagining that he could picture me touching myself… No way! Too much potential for him to think of me as repulsive and disgusting. (Obviously I never think of other people as repulsive and disgusting. Only I am repulsive, and all right-thinking people surely agree.)
Plus, I don’t think I could have talked to my T about my fantasies without wondering what he fantasises about, and I had quite enough trouble trying not to think about that sort of thing!
(Maybe instead of saying the words out loud I could have taken him a printout of the story I wrote. Tee hee!)
Posted by rubenstein on May 11, 2005, at 11:54:54
In reply to does every T bring up sex at some point?, posted by JenStar on May 7, 2005, at 17:47:16
My T brought it up, and granted it was probably something that needed to talk about. However, I just felt so uncomfortable talking to him about, most likely becuase he is a man and my dad's age. It just felt wrong on a lot of different levels. But perhaps that is why we need to talk about it. That, however, is the only time in which I wished I had a woman therapist.
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