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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by kara lynne on September 17, 2003, at 17:35:11
In reply to Re: Don't call him, posted by kara lynne on September 17, 2003, at 0:12:01
My counselor just said I had to pick one. Either get a therapist and have a few reminder sessions or let go. Write the email, but more importantly--cut the connection. Finally. Completely.
She said this is killing me, or will kill me. This is my most difficult issue in life; getting away from people that are bad for me. My worth has to be more important than the situation I'm leaving, ultimately. It has to get to that point.
Even when I indicated that I was softening on this--my ex asked if I wanted to talk and I emailed 'I think so'---I haven't heard back from him. She said it's just one more agonizing illustration of the Way Things Are and Will Be Forever with him.
So...I have to make a decision and act on it. I have to find a counselor, or make the break. Once and for all.
Posted by fallsfall on September 17, 2003, at 18:34:57
In reply to Meow. Kitty needs to sink or swim., posted by kara lynne on September 17, 2003, at 17:35:11
Kara,
I'm not your therapist so I can tell you what I think - your counselor can't.
Your ex has caused you lots of pain. You know that one of your weaknesses is hanging on to people who are causing you pain. You have gone through a lot in the last month(s?) to separate from him. Going back to him would be like going through the first semester of your senior year and quitting.
In a good relationship there is (almost) no pain. That doesn't sound like what you had with your ex. You can do better. You deserve better. You will do better.
Just Say No.
Posted by kara lynne on September 17, 2003, at 20:08:12
In reply to Just Say No » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on September 17, 2003, at 18:34:57
I am going to. But it just feels like I won't be able to endure the pain. My counselor says it is the not letting go that is causing me the pain. I just wonder--how do I get to this magical state of letting go?
I thought I did so well--I moved out, I didn't talk to him, I didn't see him, I wrote the letter....and then boom. I'm back in utter desperation and attachment. If I say goodbye I really have to mean it, but how can I mean it when I feel this way?
Posted by fallsfall on September 17, 2003, at 21:19:12
In reply to Re: Just Say No, posted by kara lynne on September 17, 2003, at 20:08:12
Pain. How do we endure pain? I understand what it is to have pain that can't be endured.
The way that I made my pain over leaving my therapist endurable was that I recognized that she had made mistakes. I do splitting (black and white thinking), so when I finally saw that she had made mistakes I was able (finally) to see that she wasn't perfect. In fact, to me, she seemed to stop existing. Anyway, once I wasn't seeing her as perfect any longer it was a lot easier to leave. It did take a lot for me to see that she had made mistakes.
I don't know that you split, so that technique might not work as well for you as it did for me.
Meds can be helpful, has your pdoc prescribed any tranquilizers for you? I only take them when things get really bad, but when things are bad they are really helpful.
Could you set a goal (say the end of the month) and promise yourself that you won't have contact with him before then? When that time comes you need to reevaluate whether you want to set a new goal (yes) or contact him (no). That way you don't have to look at surviving the rest of your life. Just the next two weeks.
Ice cream.
Yes, you do need to mean your goodbye. I would love for you to say goodbye forever to him and mean it. I'm not sure you are ready to do that. But that doesn't mean that you need to reconnect with him. There are other options (like the goal stuff above).
I know this is so hard for you, and I'm so impressed at how you keep fighting for yourself. I'll be your cheering squad.
Posted by kara lynne on September 18, 2003, at 19:01:59
In reply to Re: Just Say No » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on September 17, 2003, at 21:19:12
Hi falls,
Yes it does help. My counselor was reminding me yesterday of that so-obvious dynamic where you remember all the good and forget the pain. I keep thinking maybe this is more painful, so what's the point. She reminded me you can't get only the good and I'd be right back where I started in no time.But it's just relentless, whatever this pull is. That he and only he, the only one I can't get it from, is the only one that can make it better. You can tell me I'm the only one who can make it better but I just don't get that on a visceral level.
Sometimes I think maybe talking to him would make it easier. I would remember who he is and why he's not good for me. This white knuckling thing seems pointless after awhile. Sigh. I really don't know.
I do have some tranqs but they don't mix well with some other meds I'm taking.
thanks for the cheer.
Posted by fallsfall on September 18, 2003, at 22:04:03
In reply to Re: Just Say No, posted by kara lynne on September 18, 2003, at 19:01:59
You are doing such a good job, Kara.
If you have to talk to him, how about you invite him to a session with your counselor? I'm not sure that you wouldn't cave in if you talk to him alone.
Can you make a book of stories of lousy things that he has done? You could read it as a bedtime story.
You seem better in the last couple of days, but if you get back to a night like you had earlier this week, you might weigh the bad effects of mixing you meds with your tranquilizers against your need for the tranquilizer (of course, this depends on what "not mixing well" means).
Don't call him.
Posted by kara lynne on September 19, 2003, at 1:50:42
In reply to Re: Just Say No » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on September 18, 2003, at 22:04:03
Thanks for the suggestion. I will start that tonight--the stories. I've been writing one liners to myself, but that doesn't seem to hold me very well. Maybe the stories will stick. However I just purged the entire story in a letter to him and look where it got me! It got him agreeing that things would never work and me in a panic. Nice work.
Unfortunately I might be better because I had that email contact with him, that ended with him bringing up the idea of counseling again. He doesn't want to go to my counselor--he's been before and it wasn't 'intense' enough. So he suggested we go to very 'intense' counseling together and that was how I got the name of this current therapist, that I decided to see myself instead. (Back in the days when I was rational and knew there was no counseling intense enough to salvage the relationship--and I had enough healthy anger not to think it was worth it anyway. What HAPPENED?!) But can you imagine what a disaster it would have been if we went to that therapist together? At least I saved myself that humiliation.
So a couple of days ago he said he was confused: I had written the letter telling him how I could never get over what happened and he agreed 'we' had too much anger and he accepted that the relationship was over. He said he was apologizing with no 'ulterior motive'. That's when I emailed him back saying I don't remember him ever apologizing with an ulterior motive--that's the one I would have been looking for, and that all I ever wanted was for him to try.
So he was rightfully confused, and I intimated I might indeed be open to counseling--but I didn't explain why we no longer have that therapist as an option--he had asked if we should make an appt. there. Since I don't have anyone I trust to call I'm in a holding pattern. I don't know whether I should avoid talking to him on the phone completely before we (if we do) see a therapist.
Meanwhile he has certainly not jumped at my apparent softening. I said I was not sure yet if I wanted to talk, but that I thought I did. He left one message, but is not being very aggressive about trying to contact me. He initially asked if I wanted to go ahead and make the appt. but I didn't have anyone to make it with--and that was the last I've heard from him. That was as much as he could muster, I guess.
My counselor reminds me that nothing has changed--once again. But I can't blame him, because I didn't answer his calls for all those weeks, and then wrote that letter. She says the difference is that I am the 'injured party' here. I guess he really just does not see it that way.
So I sort of renegged on the finality of my letter, but we're in limbo. He's telling me all over the place that he doesn't want to try, even though he says he misses me 'severely'. I'm still waiting for the calls. For what? Not to answer them? Why did I even write that letter? I almost did better before, when I didn't have to commit to the complete break. Now I'm just a mess again--that's when my counselor said I have to make a choice and follow through because this is keeping me in constant torment and collapse.
It would have been so simple. If he would have called and said he wanted me back, and kept calling--- So what *is* he doing? He's just saying he would go to intense psychotherapy with me, although last week he said no to that as well. And we all know where intense psychotherapy will get us--intensely separated. But maybe I would be able to get a little more clarity around it. Either that or we'd get a therapist like my current one and I'd leave feeling crazier than ever.
Ok, maybe it is time for that tranquilizer.
Posted by kara lynne on September 19, 2003, at 1:56:03
In reply to Re: Just Say No, posted by kara lynne on September 19, 2003, at 1:50:42
I just can't come to terms with this. I will never come to terms with this.
Posted by fallsfall on September 19, 2003, at 10:03:27
In reply to Why wouldn't it be a priority for him?, posted by kara lynne on September 19, 2003, at 1:56:03
Posted by fallsfall on September 19, 2003, at 10:13:34
In reply to Re: Just Say No, posted by kara lynne on September 19, 2003, at 1:50:42
Kara,
This is too hard for you. And clearly it is hard for him. I think that all of the empirical evidence says that the two of you are doomed as a couple, and that he takes advantage of your control/abuse issues.
Stop torturing yourself. When it is truly all over you WILL get over it. You have a good counselor who can help you do that. It is painful while you are letting it go, but the other side has much less pain.
Stop vacillating. Send him an email that says:
"Ex,
After considerable thought I have decided that our relationship must end. I think that it would be best if we have no contact with each other. You have been an important part of my life, and I thank you for that.
Kara"
(or something like that)And then move on with your life. You have a whole life to look forward to.
(((((Kara)))))
Posted by kara lynne on September 19, 2003, at 16:25:25
In reply to Re: Just Say No » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on September 19, 2003, at 10:13:34
hello fallsfall,
I think, no matter how it may look, I'm gearing up for that.I slept until 2pm today, and I would still be sleeping if it didn't worry me. I started an ssri again and am trying not to give up on it, so maybe it's better if I sleep away the side effects. It's such a struggle because I could immediately feel an improvement in my general energy and then the grinding muscle tension and headaches began. This morning I kept waking up and feeling the pressure in my head and going back to sleep so I wouldn't have to be aware of it. I'll see if it lessens over time, but next weekend I have a continuning education course tha I have to be awake for.
Thanks falls, I know this must be frustrating to watch when it's so obvious from the outside!
Posted by fallsfall on September 19, 2003, at 18:28:34
In reply to Re: Just Say No, posted by kara lynne on September 19, 2003, at 16:25:25
Which one are you starting? Side effects are so much fun. Can you take good pain meds?
I'm sorry you don't feel good. I'll rub your forehead and sing you a lullaby.
Shhhhhh (((((Kara)))))
Posted by Liligoth on September 19, 2003, at 19:53:12
In reply to Re: Just Say No, posted by kara lynne on September 19, 2003, at 16:25:25
hi KaraLynne, Ive just sort of come in here at the end of a long thread so forgive me if this has already been discussed. Im wondering if you have tried a 12 step group for Love Addiction? It sounds like it addresses a lot of the trouble you are currently experiencing. Maybe a google search would turn up some good stuff on this that may be helpful to read - millions of people go through what you are experiencing & their stories may empower you.
Good luck & I agree with Fallsfall: cut the cord!
Posted by kara lynne on September 19, 2003, at 22:04:00
In reply to Re: Just Say No » kara lynne, posted by Liligoth on September 19, 2003, at 19:53:12
Hi liligoth,
Thanks for the suggestion. So are you a goth girl?S.L.A.A. was mentioned, and it most certainly applies. And another poster talked about a book I was also reading on breaking an addiction to a person. But you know I was thinking yesterday that I really need the support of a group. That book just isn't enough even though it has all the right information. In fact I was looking at another 12 step group directory today to try and find a nearby meeting, but I slept all day instead. The problem is for me that there can be a huge lag time from the initial idea to actually getting myself there. I haven't checked into any S.L.A.A. meetings to see if there are any around--maybe I'll search the web tonight.
Have you been?
Posted by kara lynne on September 19, 2003, at 22:14:40
In reply to Re: Just Say No » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on September 19, 2003, at 18:28:34
ohhh you're so sweet. What a lovely idea.
I think I needed all that sleep, I feel a bit better physically. The severity of the muscle tension has eased a bit. I did take some pain medication but it didn't work very well--I will try again if I need to. What a trade off! I'll give you my suicidal depression and take constant throbbing headaches and grinding muscle tension. Taking the meds did remind me though, drastically, how off my biochemistry is--and how debilitating that is. Just the initial dose had me feeling almost human--a hurting human, but a human nonetheless.
Oh, and it's Paxil CR. I was able to tolerate Paxil 10 years ago until it stopped working. In the past few years I've tried again but couldn't tolerate the side effects. My doctor said for some inexplicable reason people are getting fewer s.e's with the CR version. I am going to try to bear with it for at least awhile, even it means I have to sleep my life away until the bugs are worked out. (not a good image, I know.)
What lullaby will you sing me?
Posted by fallsfall on September 20, 2003, at 6:25:48
In reply to falls (tried to post earlier, sorry if doubled), posted by kara lynne on September 19, 2003, at 22:14:40
I have 3 children, and I had a different lullaby for each of them. My oldest had "For Baby" (John Denver) - I learned it at summer camp:
I'll walk in the rain by your side,
I'll cling to the warmth of your tiny hand,
I'll do anything to make you understand,
I love you more than anybody can...My son had "Walk Shepherdess Walk" - learned at Girl Scout camp:
Walk shepherdess, walk
And I'll walk, too
We'll find the ram with the ebony horn
And the gold footed ewe...My youngest had the lullaby from Mary Poppins, "Stay Awake":
Stay Awake, don't rest your head
Don't lay down upon your bed
You're not sleepy as you seem
Stay awake don't nod and dream...I sang these songs endlessly to fussy babies in the middle of the night, and as I put young children to bed, as they grew older they would sing them with me.
Maybe I would choose "Sunshine on my shoulders" (John Denver) for you:
Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high
If I had a day that I could give you
I'd give to you the day just like today
If I had a song that I could sing for you
I'd sing a song to make you feel this waySunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me highIf I had a tale that I could tell you
I'd tell a tale sure to make you smile
If I had a wish that I could wish for you
I'd make a wish for sunshine for all the whileSunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost all the time makes me highWould you like that one, Kara?
Posted by octopusprime on September 20, 2003, at 12:44:34
In reply to Re: Just Say No, posted by kara lynne on September 19, 2003, at 16:25:25
((kara lynne))
sorry I have been trying to get away for a few days.
you know the drill with SSRIs - give them 4 weeks. give yourself 4 weeks. 4 weeks is eternity when you are in the pits of emotional despair. but kara lynne, you haven't had enough time to give yourself a fair shot.
can you do other things to help with the side effects? schedule a massage for the muscle aches and pains? see if that helps for the headaches?
before you go to therapy with your ex, kara lynne, ask yourself:
1. "what would going to therapy accomplish?"
2. "what do i hope to achieve?"
3. "what is a realistic outcome of this situation?"i sense a disconnection between the probable answers to questions 2 and 3. i hope you think long and hard before going to therapy with him. the longer you are with him and dealing with him, the harder it is for you to heal.
closure and sadness sucks, but being stuck in relationship limbo is an emotional purgatory that will eat your brain and self-esteem.
((kara lynne))
i'm sorry you feel so bad and hope desperately that you will get some relief from your pain soon.
Posted by kara lynne on September 20, 2003, at 16:12:38
In reply to Re: falls (tried to post earlier, sorry if doubled) » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on September 20, 2003, at 6:25:48
Yes! But that one might make me cry, so maybe the first two... I bet you have the sweetest lullaby voice.
Thank you.
Posted by kara lynne on September 20, 2003, at 16:27:36
In reply to Re: Just Say No, posted by octopusprime on September 20, 2003, at 12:44:34
Nice to hear from you, and thank you so much for your kind wishes. Yes, I'm going to try and hang in, but I could have slept all day again and I'm a little worried about being awake next weekend for my class. Plus, as long as I'm going to be asleep I should at least have the benefit of fallsfall singing me lullabyes.
All signs point to a Dead End in my relationship; I doubt therapy will change that. Even now he is being so inconsistent about following through. He's demonstrating exactly why I was so frustrated in the relationship. But on the other hand he initially said ok, let's make an appt. and I was the one who said I'd have to find someone else. From his perspective I guess it seems like I didn't follow through, even though I would expect him to keep trying--to write back and say let's find someone else, how's it going, etc. etc. And he did leave two messages on the phone that I didn't respond to, although I emailed him yesterday---and he didn't respond to that. I'm waffling because I don't know if I should talk to him on the phone first, before we have it set up for a third party to be there. On the other hand I think maybe it would 'break the spell' and maybe it would be easier for me to stay away. Then on the *other* hand (who is the octopus here?) I think he *must* be with someone else, and that is why he's not pursuing this with any great intensity. But that kind of thinking distorts my perspective entirely, and really does torture me. Then on *another* hand, he called me 'honey' on his message to me yesterday and said he was thinking strongly about me.
I think you said it all right here:
"closure and sadness sucks, but being stuck in relationship limbo is an emotional purgatory that will eat your brain and self-esteem."Is there really any more to say?
And yet---I keep saying more. : (
I really appreciate your support.
Posted by fallsfall on September 20, 2003, at 17:39:01
In reply to octoprime, posted by kara lynne on September 20, 2003, at 16:27:36
"All signs point to a Dead End in my relationship; I doubt therapy will change that."
Why did you email him yesterday?
Posted by kara lynne on September 20, 2003, at 18:21:58
In reply to You know the answer » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on September 20, 2003, at 17:39:01
Because when he asked (emailed) if I wanted to talk last week I told him I thought I did. It was after that that he called. I'm confusing us both.
I'm going to go try and meditate--something I don't do very often. But I *really* want to call him right now, so I'm going to try that first. Then I have dinner plans with a friend, so that might get me through the night. Tomorrow I will look into finding a support group. I should have done that today, but I slept most of it away and then did errands.
Posted by fallsfall on September 20, 2003, at 21:40:59
In reply to Re: You know the answer, posted by kara lynne on September 20, 2003, at 18:21:58
Hope you had a nice dinner.
Don't call him.
Good luck finding a support group tomorrow.
(((((Kara)))))
Walk shepherdess walk
And I'll walk, too
We'll find the ram with the ebony horn
And the gold footed ewe.The lamb with fleece of silver
Like summer sea foam
And weather with a crystal bell
That leads us all home.So walk shephardess walk
And I'll walk too
And if we never find them
I won't mind shall you?Good night, Kara.
Posted by octopusprime on September 20, 2003, at 23:06:24
In reply to octoprime, posted by kara lynne on September 20, 2003, at 16:27:36
kara lynne,
please try to get some sleep. when a person hasn't slept, all judgement on life issues goes out the window. don't decide what to do about your ex until you are rested and have taken good care of yourself.
i'm glad you're going out with friends, meditating, etc. although they are poor replacements for what we have lost, they are indeed the nourishment for our souls as we travel through these difficult times.
i know how hard it is to let go. i understand why you are having trouble even though you call your relationship "a dead end". kara lynne, you have to live your own life as you see fit.
i'm going to keep asking you tough questions though, as you make decisions moving forward. kara lynne, you are tired and hurting. please give yourself a rest. i'm sure you have an idea of just how wrenching it will be (or how wrenching it is) to talk to your ex, with or without a third party.
please reconsider this. i think you should save your emotional and physical energy for kara lynne. you're tired and hurting. you need all the resources you can get your hands on to help get well.
Posted by kara lynne on September 20, 2003, at 23:21:50
In reply to Re: octoprime, posted by octopusprime on September 20, 2003, at 23:06:24
octoprime,
It's a good thing to consider. But about that sleep-I can't seem to get enough. I just truly don't know anymore whether talking to him would be harder than this is. I do think it might make me feel better if I talk to him and I'm in a stronger place.Thank you. I like tough questions. Please keep asking them.
How are you doing?
Posted by bozeman on September 21, 2003, at 0:39:05
In reply to Re: octoprime, posted by kara lynne on September 20, 2003, at 23:21:50
1) He's just as addicted to destructive behaviour as you are
2) You wouldn't be doing either one of you any favors by prolonging the agony via calling, taking his calls, emailing, reading/returning his emails, going to joint therapy, or even thinking about him any more than you positively absolutely have to
3) If he "ain't got it" in the last five-plus years, he "ain't about to get it" now
4) Joint therapy? Sounds like another excuse for him to project his failings on you. He needs therapy, all right, but on his own, without you handy to blame for his shortcomings.
5) You deserve better
6) Alone is better than a relationship that tears you down and rips you apart
8) You are doing so much better than you think you are
9) Did I mention you deserve better?
10) You are trying to be responsible for yourself and your effect on others -- this is part of why it's so hard for you to let go (the thought that maybe there was something else you could have done.) He's doing everything in his power to shift responsibility anywhere, everywhere, but to himself. These philosophies are fundamentally incompatible because the two individuals involved will consistently bring out the worst in each other and harm each other, even if unintentionally.
11) YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!
12) If I (the Queen of What-Else-Could-I-Have-Done? and But-Maybe-He-Isn't-As-Big-A-Jerk-As-I-Think) can steel myself to NOT call, not take calls, not go to dinner, not cave in, not buy back into his grandiose bullcrap, then there is Hope, you keep after it, girlfriend, there's Hope for You Too
13) Ice cream really does make things better
14) I've never stopped thinking about you, even though I still don't have a computer of my own
15) Lattes also really do make things better
16) SSRI's (when they work) also make things better because they (when they work) give you a break from your own relentlessness
17) You deserve a guy who treasures the sweet soul you are -- not one who tries to twist you to feed his ego and dodge reality (however surreptitiously)
18) You ARE loved and appreciated, by people who are capable of it. (we just can't reach you right now. :-) He is not capable of either loving or appreciating you, because he doesn't love and appreciate himself. Don't torture yourself by trying to "fix" what you'll never be able to fix -- his internal insecurities. The pain of the loss (the loss is real, even if he isn't) -- the pain won't stop for a while, maybe a long while, but don't make it worse by digging the wound open again. Let him go. Do whatever you have to, play music real loud (Tina Turner works for me, but everyone's different), go for a walk, go shopping (window shopping if you have to), watch comedy movie marathons until you fall asleep (one of my favorites.) Bury your face in kitty fur and listen to loud purring (unconditional love in a fur coat.) Take bubble baths and get massages, or massage your own feet (sounds crazy, but it triggers the "I feel loved" circuit for a lot of people). Spend lots of time with a four-legged furball (being needed and depended-upon does wonders for me, but everybody's different, I suppose.)Take care of YOU, sweetie, and let him fend for himself. He's in your past, not your future.
(((kara lynne)))
Love,
B.
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