![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on March 13, 2009, at 11:16:28
This is random, out of order. Nevertheless, I am writing this in a thank you for anytime you spend read-ing, everything. Some of the past, was not understood why? I came to some presumption:
My mother has Huntingtons disease, it is where the "caregiver" or "control-absolute" controlled every aspect of life, and it's not anyone's fault, but it was a choice. You know the, departure from memories that I "knew", and suddenly. The years I posted here, either joking to vent out some stuff, and eventually breakdown, shown on PB, thank god those links are disabled.
I do not, care for these people anymore, but I do Realize from my mom's past, she was out of control. After I grew up, she would storm into public places, malls, especially CREDIT cards, not going into any info on that, you talk about "torture".
It's all figured out, neglection-abandoment= opposite desire for grown life, then after all control has seemed to be given. Care giving, and loving, but abuse, and yell at the top of Mount Sinai, over...if one thing was not perfect. Went to school, had it equal there, but going home...to two toxic people, did not know anything about "boundaries". I would go to my room, stepfather would burst open the door, I would open the window and run as fast as I could to get away. Hid couple of hours, and prayed to God, deep. That was actually, before I started posting here.
Second during any development years, there was this since...I am not like other people, and it was true, people liked me for entertainment, randomness.
There was an event that led to multiple things after, which "destroyed" reality. Didnt care about the past, just was trying to hold on to handle life. People changed their views, as I stated...Huntingtons Disease is a 90% sure, through she loved me, too much, it was disgusting, "get away, let me my own thing". I would get pu-nished for saying that, or any direct comment back. Over the years, her yelling whipping down, caused a pre-feeling of "this isnt real, where do I go?" no one can help me; I do not know even how to get a friend. Got old-er, at one point, she would trigger an emotion, I would yell, I cannot describe, but vocal cords changed, and eventually, she would say, "you insane, Im right". Every technique, "blowing up so hard, I became an agamid"
It was parts, complex error's that lead to a death-like quality of life. Then, recent, she denies everything and "litterly" forgot memories, "it's not my responsibility what happens to you"http://neurologicalillness.suite101.com/article.cfm/huntingtons_behavioral_issues
Moreover, I am sorry, if I did not get of the house in time, but these two people, would violent control everything, in response, I would get "7fold reaction" back.
The last of what life I still had, I was in bed, the brain wanted to "shut down" all functions, not with any substance. The feeling of death, I would get "snap shots" of a grave. Mourning, over the years, finally was, this feeling of pain so much, it is as if you are dying, I called the Lord, "Be my father, I rather live somewhere where love is, than some place that has a roof, but is filled with bitterness. I get...unaware allot now, maybe that is just being, lazy and not keeping track of time.
Still here/existing... (Well, no big deal). However, this is an overall look back, I wanted to know "what, why, when, how" this happened, or the circumstance that it turned out. I slowly figured it out, by research on the web.
Now as parents, they are crueler, hateful, than all the people that I have met in the past. I know God the father will in time, take vengeance on whatever evil deed is where planted, you eat your own plant, tastes good, and then causes misery, because it is false, poison.No longer think about, even they are laughing about something, making gossip up (these fitly things called parents) which need to go into the "trash". I have been through, lost memories, because of manipulation, abuse, taking my keys, locked in the house.
This is a caution: But this can result from repeated, more aggressive control, manipulation. Yelled at (yet i yelled back later, because what else could i do?)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4EOw8wPBN8
All these rights, belong to the creator of this video on youtube. I just am sharing it, for a period of time, this needs to shown.
The mind did create a visual reality, where I could see a mother and a father, who "the American dreams". And that released endorphins, of love. Later, when harassment, gossip, and filthy chit chat, I opened; a couple of pages flipped, and ran across this verse.
Revelation 21 1-8: English Standard Version
21:1 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 2 And I saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, Behold, the dwelling place [1] of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, [2] and God himself will be with them as their God. [3] 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
5 And he who was seated on the throne said, Behold, I am making all things new. Also he said, Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true. 6 And he said to me, It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. 7 The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. 8 But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.
This is referring to their deeds, if they are truly righteous, or "socially righteous and I know plenty of people, who are "charismatic", then I see the real side.Even the deepest, separation...God knows, how to get out, you dwell in finding him. The Truth. Plus, memories are "fragmented" and over time, unaware, memories will manifest into personalities, because each event that triggers that memory, that personality will emerge (of whatever the memory is, was) to deal with it.
Nevertheless, through it all, you have to accept, these things happened, they cannot be solved by jump-ing back time, the ego dealing with pain threshold trauma. So if look at it, it's a puzzle, not put together. It has to be sealed to the present, and you forgive, and move on.Love life.
Smile;)
Posted by Phillipa on March 13, 2009, at 12:45:30
In reply to A note to all babbler that knew me since 2004, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on March 13, 2009, at 11:16:28
What meds you on now? Love Phillipa
Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on March 13, 2009, at 20:17:59
In reply to Re: A note to all babbler that knew me since 2004 » rjlockhart04-08, posted by Phillipa on March 13, 2009, at 12:45:30
Prozac 40mg
Dexedrrinje 60mg, taek n in evening , level doses. Sometimes itisnt metabolized after a while, and anyting that belngs to its;s structure becaomes a host.Prozac
Xanax
Dexederine
Lamicital
m Thanks i'm alreadyt -paseed troubght deathm g7ut sometyhg Yappehed.LO MTG MOM
[MOHSD SWwewr"]
PHILLPP, I rHJITUURF9REVERLSAT99JG LOVEM
Posted by Phillipa on March 13, 2009, at 21:04:09
In reply to Re: A note to all babbler that knew me since 2004, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on March 13, 2009, at 20:17:59
RJ what are you trying to convey to me the message? Love Phillipa
Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on March 14, 2009, at 1:42:13
In reply to Re: A note to all babbler that knew me since 2004 » rjlockhart04-08, posted by Phillipa on March 13, 2009, at 21:04:09
do you realize that right after i posted this...there was some attack, i had read all this stuff. Some sick, person. I didnt post this, but in the past, there have been "events" that almost all logical accusation, "boomoo did it" (that's me). When really Patty and Sue, who look alike did it. (It's an example, i get blamed for people's failure) Baaahhh! that Boophoo!
And i've get it out, people seem to have a magnet towards me, but not nice, that's why i had to change every aspect of change.
Hey, this is not....i'm up just lookin on the
It was a note, just to everyone. I hope...alot people spy on my stuff, and now i have to have the "third eye" or the all-seeing eye to know who does this. But, it's not Christanity. But i need to use it, people have played tricks, horrid, over time.But yet all this info on the medication was correct, but it's not correct on dosing. Sick...people, love to toil with someone's mind.
Anyways, Phillipa, i've just lost, alot of "memory", i dont feel the same at all, yet, i'm enhanced in writing, and explaining things, but i lost my "cheer" personality. I don't know what happened, not my fault, (could be....n/think about) but i learned something "never blame others".
But in a counter act, "Who ever points the finger is their logical opinion of someone, but it also represents who they are" - rj
I've had a mental collapse, and it's unexplainable, think of a relm where everything is gone, that loved, and now predetor's who in the past, "smiled" but they, just gathered info, because i have/had diareeaa of the mouth, (sorry that's distusting) means i tell everything what i'm thinking about.
Anyways...
I'm MAD, and you know, i've posted here long, well 5-6 years, and i cannot believe those posts, or "Journals for help" are on google.
First - stick head in toilet,
2nd - stick the person who's playing games with me, down the toilet into the sewer. Who ever you are stop f-n! with me!I have thought of.....moving out, well, at this point, it's a "survival" to get out, this place is chaos, screaming, more violence than you would see in movies, and bitterness.
I just need support again, this time, words i put down, they need to be accoutable for, not "ok" then not do it. I also researched why i do that, what's "indepth procrastination?" - getting lost in time, and failing.
Yet, the aspects, of nutcase here, held me back. So.....
Well everyone have a great day, and danm if this goes on the net, i'll have a siezure or something, too much embarassment, and control, and maniulation, and bitterness. It changed the whole corse of life, one or more choices, are like a ripple effect, make one fraction diffrent, it change paths. I need to think of Rj Equation...what happened, right by laptop is writings, and equations, i dont know what happened. And a KJV bible.
So....it's late.
Phillipa, i'm great your the support here, there is no support, more so abuse from the past, continued, till i started having "blow out's" at "nutcase" who took everything out on me.
Evilness resided in this house, and grew. Now i want to pick up a sword of truth, but you know really...she's made comments, i was a mistake, (not exact) but emphezing it, and i just flat out told her, get the documents sign me off, somehow i'll ask Madonna if she will be a Godmother. I mean.....the sense of reality, nothing will change, just "get out". But yet it's 2009. not 2005.
anyways gotta go.................whew!
thanks
rj
Posted by Phillipa on March 14, 2009, at 11:06:37
In reply to Re: A note to all babbler that knew me since 2004, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on March 14, 2009, at 1:42:13
RJ what's wrong worried about you. Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on March 19, 2009, at 18:23:09
In reply to A note to all babbler that knew me since 2004, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on March 13, 2009, at 11:16:28
Hey RJ
When you say threshold, reminds me of a 'shutdown' I had in 2005. The 'shutting down' may have affected me neurologically. I wish to have a CT scan. Only I and another here seem to have had the same symptoms occur during and after. I've done very little research, and of course no pdoc wants to go there, but I am prone to believe I was deprived of oxygen for just a little bit too long. There is a condition called hypocapnea(sp?). I was hyperventilating w/o relief and developed a pressure on just the very top of my head. It could have been minutes or hours; bad staff, doctor had forgotten to sign off on Valium so they were withholding it. It happened twice while there in 2005, following the loss of a person I loved very much in 2004. It happened once in 2008 when someone tried to withhold xanax @ a pretty large dose and replace it w/ klonopin 1mg. Did I have some sort of damage from deprivation of oxygen or blood supply, neurologically. I'm not sure. Just know I've not been AS STRONG, as I was before this happened. Valium chased away all symptoms. My heart wants you to know, I'm just throwing this in here as a possibility, trying not to be suggestive. I'm just sharing what happened to me. Maybe I misunderstand you.
Can't believe we've all known each other so long. Glad not chg name. So many have; don't know who talking to.
Tks for sharing your view on passage.
I find it very hard to put bad past away. I'm steering myself away from the CBT and DBT, and seeing a psychologist next week for psychodynamic therapy. (It was hard to find a psychologist. This person is a few yrs older than I, so should be good connection there.)
So much bad was alone, abuse was alone. The shutdowns were very alone, but pdocs won't go there. What are they not telling me, I wonder. Or, do they just not have time to dig that deep.
I've not been able to speak the bad out for it to be heard. My heart cannot feel an unspoken 'I'm sorry'. I don't know the prior is necessary o_o. Something to discuss w/ psychologist.
Everyone is here for you, and for me, despite my drifting away from a thread I've started, or not keeping in touch. I've told them, kind of like you have here, I've not felt as able to post as I once did, but even I'd not told them, when someone doesn't post for a while, we assume they are needing a rest, will be back. It's the illness.
Since these 'shutdown incidents' happened to me, I've posted so little, cannot joke, feel guilt 'cuz want give help, not just take.
Hope none think I'd abandon, or think me too scared to try help.
I'm away from pc and resting 'cuz tire real easily.
On Effexor-XR, nortriptyline, and developing tolerance to Provigil. Progivil 200 gets me to about 2-3p only; tolerant. Pdoc agreed try augment Eff-XR w/ something. We chose nortriptyline; wrong. Sight probs', worsened depression, & it has a muscle rigidity to it that aggravates chronic c-spine pain. I'm still w/ you; just wanted u know meds for insight.
It was cool of you to post.
I still see light ... never have given up, unless it was med induced, but in hardest trial ever.
We'll get better with patience. (Did you not like me saying We'll?)
Will you, if can, when can, reply? Just throw me paper airplane or something! You're prob' thinking 'respond to what o_o?' ... 'cuz that's what I'm thinking, and, okay now that did make me laugh. Did u laugh?
First laugh for a while, & like an orgasm, tryin' to hang onto the feeling like a drum roll. (I love it when good vibes come from inside us to outside us. Yep, it's like a Lynryd Skynrd(sp?) drum roll. Let it flow, and as long as you don't try to control it, or ask for more, it stays.
hope you laugh (or feel or think something good)
all ways & whacked as ever, 5f
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Medication | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.