![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pegasus on November 29, 2004, at 13:50:19
My therapist is suggesting that we invent some kind of ritual in which I'll finally say goodbye to my old T. The idea is that after I've finished processing that icky termination, I can put some feeling of resolution on it with this ritual. The only problem is that I can't think of a darn thing that feels right. I could burn all of the notes I kept on that therapy, but I actually think it might be useful to keep those notes for future reference. I could make a little figure of him, and put it on a boat and float it down the river. I could send him one last email, saying that I know I can never say everything I want to say to him, but that I've decided to stop trying.
None of those sound quite right. Does anyone have any other ideas? While the termination was traumatic, and I'm still angry at him about how he handled it, I also feel quite warmly toward him and am grateful for what we accomplished during out years of therapy. So, I think my ambivalence is making me feel stuck with this.
pegasus
Posted by Fallen4MyT on November 29, 2004, at 17:10:15
In reply to ideas for goodbye rituals?, posted by pegasus on November 29, 2004, at 13:50:19
How about a bottle with a note to him down the river OR another variation on your ideas you could get a piece of wood that is flat and put a candle on it..tea candles have metel under them so glue it to the wood...light it later and float it down the river..(we do that in animal rescue a lot when a dog passes on) reflecting on the good and bad of that relationship...and let go as best you can....Good luck
Posted by Shortelise on November 29, 2004, at 18:44:02
In reply to ideas for goodbye rituals?, posted by pegasus on November 29, 2004, at 13:50:19
How about something where you let go of the bad and keep the good?
Like, maybe, I don't know ... in the spring, plant a little tree, or maybe a rose bush, and put all the bad crap in the ground, shake it from your mind, off the ends of your fingers, and into the earth. You could let the tree or rose bush be the good things that remain and grow stronger and more beautiful in spite of the bad stuff.
There was one day a couple of years ago when I cried all through my session with my T - the first time I had done that. I saved the tissues. I still have them. If you have anything like that, you could put them in the ground with the roots.
It sounds like you need something that acknowledges your ambivalence. Everything that grows comes out of decay and death of a million things, and it takes a million other living things help to make it grow... it seems appropriate.
Otherwise, maybe something to do with the notes from your time with him. Would you want to get a nice envelope, or a box, something big enough to hold them all, and maybe some ribbons. Go through all the notes, sort them by date, or topic or however you like and tie them with ribbons in bundles, no matter how small or big, telling yourself the whole time that you are letting it go, putting it by. Then put them in the envelope or box and seal it. Put it somewhere away, in the attic, or in with other old, important papers you keep somewhere up on a shelf or in the garage. If there are other "souvenirs" of your time with him. maybe you would want to include those.
The idea of sending him down the river is ok, but that wouldn't feel like closure to me. Would it to you? I'd imagine him sinking to the bottom of the river, lying in the slime.
Whatever you do, I wish you the best. I think it's a fine idea.
ShortE
Posted by daisym on November 30, 2004, at 0:56:21
In reply to Re: ideas for goodbye rituals? » pegasus, posted by Shortelise on November 29, 2004, at 18:44:02
Maybe a "birthday" cake -- celebrating time gone by and next phase of your life. You could blow out the candles and even write him a card to say good-bye.
Just make sure it is chocolate...
I think this is a great idea, btw.
Posted by pegasus on November 30, 2004, at 11:36:30
In reply to Re: ideas for goodbye rituals? » pegasus, posted by Fallen4MyT on November 29, 2004, at 17:10:15
Oh, I like the idea of the candle. Yeah, I was having problems with what would happen to him downstream too. I mean, I'm angry at him, but I don't want him to end up in the slime at the bottom of the river, even symbolically. Or, I was visualizing birds pecking at him or fish eating him or something like that. A candle could symbolize the passing of the relationship, and not so much him as a person.
pegasus
Posted by pegasus on November 30, 2004, at 11:45:01
In reply to Re: ideas for goodbye rituals? » pegasus, posted by Shortelise on November 29, 2004, at 18:44:02
Oh, that's great! I love the idea of planting a tree or something. I'll have to give some thought to what to plant and where. And I *do* have some good symbols of the negative stuff. I can put copies of some of my angry emails to him in there (maybe shredded). That would be a good symbol for me of leaving the bad stuff, and nurturing the good stuff.
I may also put my notes in the attic or something. I do need to get them out of my way, so I don't keep seeing them lying around.
pegasus
Posted by pegasus on November 30, 2004, at 11:49:48
In reply to Re: ideas for goodbye rituals?, posted by daisym on November 30, 2004, at 0:56:21
Wow, everyone has such good ideas! I think I'll have to incorporate several things into my ritual. I like the birthday cake idea, if only because I love chocolate cake, and any excuse to eat some is good! Plus, it might add a celebratory aspect to the ritual, which otherwise might feel just plain tragic.
So, now I'm sending a candle down the river while I plant a tree, and then eat birthday cake. Or something like that. If I can manage to fit a bonfire in there somehow, it'll be perfect! (I just love bonfires.)
Thanks Daisy, and everyone for helping me come up with more appropriate ideas! I think this ritual idea is going to be a good thing.
pegasus
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.