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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by crushedout on January 17, 2005, at 13:54:32
I just drafted the following email to the old T and had the urge just to hit "send" but I'm restraining myself. Let me think about what I'm hoping to get out of this, where I think this is going to take me before I leap in.Here's what I wrote:
"Dear [Ellen],
I've tried about a million times to write you a letter. What I end up with never seems right. I either can't finish them or I can't send them.
I'm sorry, I wish I could do it.
I hope that you and I can find some way to communicate about what happened between us one day. I think it would be important for both of us.
I think of you often.
[crushedout]"
Gosh that's embarrassing to show you guys.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 17, 2005, at 13:58:48
In reply to I've drafted an email, will try not to send, posted by crushedout on January 17, 2005, at 13:54:32
Don't be embarrassed, crushed. I think it's great that you can articulate what you wish. But thinking about what you hope to get out of sending it is good. Very good.
Maybe just getting it out there print is enough?
gg
Posted by crushedout on January 17, 2005, at 14:04:52
In reply to Re: I've drafted an email, will try not to send » crushedout, posted by gardenergirl on January 17, 2005, at 13:58:48
Maybe that will be enough. I kind of doubt it. But I'll try to sit on it, anyway, as I've been doing with the letter and all of my other impulses, and see what I feel like after some time has passed.
I think what I'd be hoping to get out of it is a response and then a dialogue, and then I hope she sucks me back in. I want to be sucked back in to that drama, and also that intimacy. I miss it.
Posted by 10derheart on January 17, 2005, at 14:38:41
In reply to Re: I've drafted an email, will try not to send » gardenergirl, posted by crushedout on January 17, 2005, at 14:04:52
Crushed,
I don't think there's anything bad about your email draft. It's pretty *tame* considering your difficult history and the intense feelings you've had for this person. IF (and I'm not really advocating either way) you did send it, it sounds just direct and invites dialog, nothing more. I like your restraint, actually.
Having said that, the fact you can think through your deeper motivations, all the way to the fact that, in the end, you miss intimacy, is awesome. It really is. It takes some people - in and out of therapy - years to ever be able to have that type of clear insight into themselves. Seems simple, maybe, once we're on that *level*, but for some I know (and according to my old and new Ts) they have a heck of a time ever getting there, past all the defenses and resistance, etc.
I think what it may mean for you (me too) is that we'll ultimately have to find a way to focus on gaining intimacy from others, tiny bit by bit. Not from old Ts (whether they were *train wrecks* or not), even though we get so darn stuck back in those relationships. Reliving them, rehashing them, doubting ourselves, etc. Of course, for you, it's really different, because you suffered far, far too much from her issues and blurry boundaries. I remember the pain in your emails back then, believe me. But the tough thing must be, I know, that she's certainly not all bad - she had wonderful qualities, too. (Dang them, anyway!!)
My old T. wrote me something once kind of along these lines. He said how great it is that human beings can become connected to each other on such a fundamental, deep level, but that it's even more wonderful to know that after one separation happens, another *great bond* will come along, if we can just be patient. I know in my head he's probably right, that's the healthy, optimistic, mature, philisophical truth, BUT...there are all the doubts and fears. When? With whom? Another T? (Arghhhh, scream and run) A significant other? A friend? Who knows?And we're NOT patient, and it's not like we can go stand in the street and announce, "Excuse me, world, I lost someone I was close to, I feel impatient, sad and lonely. I need intimacy and I need it NOW!!" I wish. I'd be the first one out there yelling.
I'm rambling terribly. Guess I can't offer much *advice* but to say keep up that deep thinking you do about your own needs - it's so great to be able to do that. Also, IMO, you sound upset and on the roller coaster, BUT, not as desparate and impulsive as you were before. That seems good.
Baby steps, baby steps. Grow a bit, slip back, deep breath. Keep trying. Keep Babbling. Try to remember if you have the capacity to be so close with one person, it *can* happen again. Keep fighting for what's best for Crushed.
((crushed)) -10der
Posted by crushedout on January 17, 2005, at 15:50:55
In reply to Re: I've drafted an email, will try not to send » crushedout, posted by 10derheart on January 17, 2005, at 14:38:41
10der,thank you for your amazing, long, thoughtful post. (you *do not* ramble. you make sense and you write beautifully. i love the part about going out in the street and demanding intimacy at the top of our lungs. made me chuckle.)
i have to say that i feel so hopeless about ever having that kind of intimacy with anyone ever again. i don't know what has caused this hopelessness in me, but it's be growing for a long time. it's pretty terrifying, because without hope for that, why bother living? it really is kind of the point of life.
it has nothing to do with my capabilities, either. i've never (oddly enough) had any doubts about my ability to be intimate. (i think not, anyway.) i'm darn good at it, and i love taking risks, unlike many people. the hard part is finding the right person to join me for the ride. :( and i'm not sure why -- i have a lot of good qualities, i swear!
anyway, babble does help with that, an awful lot, although it's not a substitute for real live people.
thanks, 10der. it's nice having you as a new babblefriend.
Posted by crushedout on January 17, 2005, at 16:19:07
In reply to I've drafted an email, will try not to send, posted by crushedout on January 17, 2005, at 13:54:32
I just came really close to sending the dang thing again. I don't think that would be a huge disaster (well, maybe it would be) but the point is not to be so impulsive. I restrained myself. It was a very close call, though.
i'm really white-knuckling this.
This is the end of the thread.
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