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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on March 12, 2005, at 8:41:11
Ever Ever Ever under any circumstances call me unasked except for scheduling difficulties?
And that he would NEVER EVER EVER under any circumstances call to check on me after a bad session?
Well, I was wrong.
I had a groundbreaking call yesterday after 4pm about my 8am session. He wanted to check that I was ok because I was upset when I left. And to say that perhaps he should remember that he's tired when he gets back from a travelling job and be more careful about what he says. And to tell me that he never wants me to feel anything but safe in his office.
I *was* upset when I left the session, so upset that I kept nodding off at work, and was grossly unproductive all morning, but I had gotten past it by 4 and was fully in rational work mode. Until he called of course. :)
We had had a rather heated exchange about my idea about being challenged and held at the same time. I saw it as my offering a potential solution to a problem he had identified. He took it as an attempt on my part to control him. (He also said that he perhaps didn't have the skills he needed to do that. And that it was his experience that that idea was antithetical to the whole concept of challenge because challenge involved pushing someone away a bit to stand on their own.) Then we argued over who was withdrawing from the conversation. (It was him. When he leans back and folds his arms metaphorically, he's withdrawn.) And he said some rude things to me that I have fortunately (for both of us) forgotten. I'm good at forgetting.
I left upset, but nowhere near as upset as I've been in other situations. I was crying, but not sobbing. Why he chose this situation to break a longstanding policy of never calling, I'm not sure.
Better yet, he tried to reach me at home first, so I have part of it on the answering machine tape, which I kept! (Of course, my husband heard it first and wanted to know what was upsetting. And he thinks it was weird of me to keep the tape.)
Posted by Aphrodite on March 12, 2005, at 13:36:15
In reply to Remember I said my therapist would never, posted by Dinah on March 12, 2005, at 8:41:11
I'm so glad for you!!! It seems that your recent misfortunes and your increased sessions has resulted in an even greater bond. He must feel comfortable with being more flexible, and it seems like you've been ready for that too. (On the downside, my T does check up on me after rough sessions, but that makes me want to take care of him and fake perkiness on the way out the door. But that's just me.)
Anyway, I keep messages too. I like to listen to them because it's the only chance I have to analyze *him* with voice inflections, word choice, pausing, etc. So, if that's weird, you have company!
I'm pleased that he checked on you -- you deserve it. I hope it helped.
Posted by daisym on March 12, 2005, at 14:23:36
In reply to Remember I said my therapist would never, posted by Dinah on March 12, 2005, at 8:41:11
It is interesting that you didn't really say how it felt to have him check in with you...are you somehow worried that he is beginning to change his approach and philosophy? I think you've said all along that he is "trainable" (respectfully meant)so perhaps he heard what you might need and is acting on it.
I also think there is more and more research back to the idea of the relationship being important. As hard as the HMOs want it all to be CBT, it just can't be shown that one size fits all.
All in all, a break through. Now - this idea of being challenged - I've found it best to divide the session into parts if I think things are going to be rough. I've learned to save time at the end to check back - "are we OK? Are you going to be here next time?" What ever I need to hear. Otherwise I swoop out and am destoyed about him, not about what we were talking about. So, I can feel pushed and yet held during the same session. Does that make sense?
Glad to know he can still surprise you...
Posted by fallsfall on March 12, 2005, at 21:28:47
In reply to Remember I said my therapist would never, posted by Dinah on March 12, 2005, at 8:41:11
I copied the messages from the answering machine to a separate tape so I wouldn't lose them...
I'm so glad he called you. My therapist has called a couple of times and it has been very special to me. It does sound like a hard session.
Remember to write this in the side of the paper where you list the times that he proves that he cares...
I'm happy for you.
Posted by annierose on March 12, 2005, at 23:37:45
In reply to Re: Remember I said my therapist would never » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on March 12, 2005, at 21:28:47
You sound mad at your T. Maybe I'm reading it wrong. Did the phone call make you upset? ... or left-over feelings from the bad session? These relationships are tricky. Problem is, we care so much that it work and we are understood.
Thinking of you, enjoy what's left of the weekend.
Annierose
p.s. stay warm ... isn't spring coming SOON!
Posted by Dinah on March 13, 2005, at 8:27:50
In reply to Re: Remember I said my therapist would never, posted by annierose on March 12, 2005, at 23:37:45
No, I'm not mad. I was amazed that he called, and while I certainly don't expect him to make a habit of it, I was touched. I guess I make light of it because I don't want it to mean too much to me, because he is *not* one to make a habit of it.
He thinks it's all too easy to fill therapy with elements that properly belong to romance, and he is very careful not to do that. He talked to me seriously about it once. It's a deepheld conviction of his that that's not fair to the client.
I'm not feeling too well. Work is going slowly. And the work I do do is exhausting me. I have to think it's an interplay between diabetes and stress and depression. I'm tearful all too often.
And I am still a bit angry, telephone call or no, that what I considered an offering to him of an idea... Well, I bared my soul, was psychically undefended in front of him by admitting that I feel held in therapy and admitting that that feeling was so important to me that no power on earth would make me give it up willingly. And I offered him a way that I thought would make therapy better for him, because he feels frustrated that I don't take challenge better, and I did it in a way that made me very vulnerable. And he didn't take it that way at all. He turned it into something ugly and he said rude things to me. I'm glad he called and checked on me, and I could see his calling as an apology of sorts. But it stings. I guess I'll know better after next session if I'll be able to put this all behind me and write it off as a bad day. I'm sure I'll find a way to do that.
It also never makes me feel too good to hear my therapist admit that something is beyond his skill set. :D
Posted by Dinah on March 13, 2005, at 8:29:41
In reply to Re: Remember I said my therapist would never » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on March 12, 2005, at 21:28:47
I have a whole tape of compiled answering machine messages. :)
I will remember this, and file it away with his offer to come to Daddy's funeral, and his offer/insistence that I come in on the weekend, to remind me that he does care about me.
Posted by Dinah on March 13, 2005, at 8:31:34
In reply to Re: Remember I said my therapist would never, posted by daisym on March 12, 2005, at 14:23:36
I always ask him if everything is going to be ok at the end of a hard session. This session I didn't and he offered his reassurances.
Does your therapist challenge well? I'm not sure mine does. I think he gets combative. I can't imagine your therapist being combative.
Posted by Dinah on March 13, 2005, at 8:35:20
In reply to Re: Remember I said my therapist would never » Dinah, posted by Aphrodite on March 12, 2005, at 13:36:15
I think sometimes I worry about pleasing him too much, but this situation is one where I think I could be honest. He didn't sound anxious or upset. I think he knew he blew the session, and didn't want me to go till Tuesday remembering how badly he blew it. He wanted to make reparations before it really set in, I suspect.
He needn't have wondered about that. The attachment is too strong for me to have been alienated by a day of bad therapy. And even if the transgression had been far more flagrant than it was, I could have worked harder at not remembering. I am excellent at that.
Posted by terrics on March 13, 2005, at 9:08:20
In reply to Remember I said my therapist would never, posted by Dinah on March 12, 2005, at 8:41:11
Posted by Speaker on March 13, 2005, at 11:47:40
In reply to Remember I said my therapist would never, posted by Dinah on March 12, 2005, at 8:41:11
Posted by terrics on March 13, 2005, at 21:54:12
In reply to Remember I said my therapist would never, posted by Dinah on March 12, 2005, at 8:41:11
HI Dinah, I wrote you a long post, but it got lost. He cares about you though. terrics
Posted by Joslynn on March 14, 2005, at 13:16:19
In reply to Remember I said my therapist would never, posted by Dinah on March 12, 2005, at 8:41:11
I am glad he called! I would keep the tape too. Unfortunately I have an electronic answering machine and I don't think you can save those msgs past a certain time....
Posted by Dinah on March 14, 2005, at 18:08:40
In reply to Re: Remember I said my therapist would never, posted by Joslynn on March 14, 2005, at 13:16:19
I can't wait till tomorrow's session to see if he continues the argument. I'm not going to.
This is the end of the thread.
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