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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on April 21, 2005, at 8:47:42
This is what I wrote after my first EMDR treatment, when a flood of bad memories came back to me. It was a very emotional night of crying, but now I feel so much better. :)
Scared to Feel the PainTurn that obtrusive spotlight off me, I don't want to be seen, I want to hide.
There is no real me, just an illusion of happiness.
My imprisoned emotions are shielded by many impervious layers of self protection.
There are no winners in this internal brual war of mine.
The only death is my own distrustful crying heart bleeding all over my life.
The pain of anguish grows slowly inside of me corroding my organs with nuclear radiation.
These surppressed memories own me and if set free, will obliterate everything around me that I love.
Leaving only an empy shell that is easily crushed.
Should anyone mess with a dormant volcano?
It may erupt like a relentless orgasm that forces itself to be released exploding its hot lava of devastation onto everything.
But can anyone really stop the spew of acid from a fierce stomach virus?
Can't anyone hear the abused child's silent cry for help?
Just leave me in a castle's depirvation chamber to die alone so my virus doesn't cause a plague.
No light, no sound, no emotion, and no love, just like my parents cruel home of torture.
How do I cure my parents lethal illness that has infected me?
Reveling the venomous truth is leaving me paralyzed with terror and anxiety of losing myself.
I feel frozen in time fearing the oppressing emotional toxins that are poisoning me from within.
How do I recover from this childhood disease?
Can anyone really be emancipated and heal from a vile past?
Accepting the truth feels like my own funeral.
I feel so beaten down and weak. I need help because I can't fight this war alone.
Dying seems more humane than living with all my years of childhood pain.
Please help me heal myself so I can be free to really live life for the first time.
EMDR is like a suppository for constipated memories.
Posted by B2chica on April 21, 2005, at 10:06:17
In reply to Scared to Feel the Pain (poem, could poss. trigger, posted by happyflower on April 21, 2005, at 8:47:42
WOW happyflower.
man, your words really touched me. true to the core of my being.
you should post this one on the writing board, they'll love it there.
thank you so much for sharing such difficult writing. i hope you are in a good place now.
stay strong...and when you can't, come here.
thanks for sharing!!!!
b2c.
Posted by happyflower on April 21, 2005, at 15:24:59
In reply to Re: Scared to Feel the Pain (poem, could poss. tri, posted by B2chica on April 21, 2005, at 10:06:17
> WOW happyflower.
> man, your words really touched me. true to the core of my being.>> Thank you so much for reading it. I didn't even realize that there is a writing board! lol
I am in a good place, I had my DH hold me that night while I cried my eyes out grieving me childhood. That was a couple of weeks ago. But a huge weight has been lifted from me and I feel so free! Your comments really made my day. Thank you!
Posted by B2chica on April 22, 2005, at 10:01:14
In reply to Re: Scared to Feel the Pain (poem, could poss. tri » B2chica, posted by happyflower on April 21, 2005, at 15:24:59
Posted by Susan47 on April 22, 2005, at 11:01:06
In reply to Re: Scared to Feel the Pain (poem, could poss. tri » B2chica, posted by happyflower on April 21, 2005, at 15:24:59
Your writing was so powerful I started and couldn't read through the first time. Today I tackled it again and it speaks to me. Thank you and I'm happy for you that EMDR is helping you grieve. I know I need to do that too but I feel that I don't have the emotional support I need to come through okay. I'm still trying to grieve my last therapist. I'm still trying to close that wound.
Posted by happyflower on April 22, 2005, at 12:10:13
In reply to Re: Scared to Feel the Pain (poem, could poss. tri, posted by Susan47 on April 22, 2005, at 11:01:06
> Your writing was so powerful I started and couldn't read through the first time. Today I tackled it again and it speaks to me.
Thank you for giving it a chance, what does it mean to you?
Thank you and I'm happy for you that EMDR is helping you grieve. I know I need to do that too but I feel that I don't have the emotional support I need to come through okay. I'm still trying to grieve my last therapist. I'm still trying to close that wound.
So far, I have only done one EMDR treatment, it terrifies me, but I am starting to trust my T more, so I will be willing to do more. I think we each know when we are ready to dive into therpy. After that night of EMDR, a huge relieve came over me. If I can do this, so can you!
Posted by Susan47 on April 22, 2005, at 12:21:31
In reply to Scared to Feel the Pain (poem, could poss. trigger, posted by happyflower on April 21, 2005, at 8:47:42
It would be difficult to describe what this means to me. Basically it's knowing how screwed up I've become from the relentless agony of my past. And knowing if I don't do something about it, the lava of this volcano will just continue to boil over, swallowing whole villages in its wake, burning to destruction everything in its path, sometimes quiet, sometimes just seeping slowly downhill, destroying. But EMDR might unleash a huge thrust of energy that could cause the entire volcano to disintegrate. And the volcano is a huge, huge part of me. What will be left?
Posted by happyflower on April 22, 2005, at 12:47:33
In reply to Re: Scared to Feel the Pain (poem, could poss. trigger » happyflower, posted by Susan47 on April 22, 2005, at 12:21:31
Wow, you really do understand. I know it's a terriable feeling but at least I know I am not alone in feeling like this.
If you are considering EMDR, keep in mind, what happened to me is rare. He told me that out of around 300 people he has done EMDR, I am only the 3rd person who actually felt worse after I got home and continued to process. He did see me the next day to calm me down. Overall, I am glad I did it, I feel so much better. But I haven't had a EMDR session yet, I am still scared, but I know I have to do this to heal. I don't want to be in therepy forever. Thanks for comments, it is very encouraging to see how others feel about my poem. :)
Posted by Susan47 on April 22, 2005, at 17:23:36
In reply to Re: Scared to Feel the Pain (poem, could poss. trigger, posted by happyflower on April 22, 2005, at 12:47:33
Your poem was so powerful that I started it the day you posted, but could only read the first few lines. It made me nervous, and frightened, but when I did read through, I understood I wasn't alone, either.
Thank you ... I've seen my EMDR doc three times, but we never actually have done the EMDR itself, she was working on me feeling safe. Sigh. I feel the powerful need to go back. I hope soon I can afford to do that, I really feel the need to talk about everything to a rational human being, someone who isn't counter-transferring.
This is the end of the thread.
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