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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 20:51:08
In reply to Re: I regret I ever went to therapy with my ex T, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 20:46:23
babblers - don't get concerned over me.. I won't do anything stupid..
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 20:53:33
In reply to forgot to add trigger for above post, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 20:51:08
I want to leave babble.. I don't know if I can.. but I desperately want to leave. I keep coming back here.. almost like push and pull.. I am a miserable person.. and I don't feel like I belong here.
Posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 20:54:26
In reply to forgot to add trigger for above post, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 20:51:08
> babblers - don't get concerned over me.. I won't do anything stupid..
Well I am concerned about you pinkeye. I just wished I knew what to say to make you feel better. I care about you and I hope you will be all right. (((((pinkeye)))) I feel really sad about this.
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 20:59:19
In reply to Re: forgot to add trigger for above post, posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 20:54:26
don't worry about me. it is not worht it.. I have given up on myself. I don't think it is ever possible for me to be happy or even decently not miserable. I have always been like this, and am always going to be like this. there is really no use anymore and no hope for me. I will just have to live like this.. I have really tried.. believe me I have.. no effect. not even a little bit.
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:00:53
In reply to Re: forgot to add trigger for above post » happyflower, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 20:59:19
I am just not born with it.. it is something I never had, and it is something which I will always lack. I don't think I can ever be a happy person. not with anyone or anything. and no amount of therapy or trying will change that.
Posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 21:05:25
In reply to Re: forgot to add trigger for above post » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:00:53
Pinkeye, please don't give up on yourself. I feel like you are my friend and I feel your pain so much and want so much for it to go away or transfer it to me, so I can take it away. Yes, you do matter, to me. Maybe I am not enough for you , but I have grown to really care about you. Please don't let me down, I need you! I am just in tears over this.
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:07:49
In reply to Re: forgot to add trigger for above post, posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 21:05:25
oh no.. don't please feel bad. I should never have posted that here.
I am sorry. I am really not goign to do anything stupid so don't worry.
I will perhaps become allright by monday
Posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 21:13:27
In reply to Re: forgot to add trigger for above post » happyflower, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:07:49
> oh no.. don't please feel bad. I should never have posted that here.
> I am sorry. I am really not goign to do anything stupid so don't worry.
> I will perhaps become allright by mondayCan you call your current T for support? When is your next appointment? Please lean on us and your T when you need us, that is what we are here for. WE CARE ABOUT YOU!!! Even when you won't let us, we care!
Posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 21:15:11
In reply to Re: forgot to add trigger for above post, posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 21:13:27
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:25:32
In reply to I CARE PINKEYE, I CARE PINKEYE, I DO!!!!!!! (nm), posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 21:15:11
thank you happyflower. I feel better.
Posted by shrinking violet on June 17, 2005, at 21:33:24
In reply to thanks so much!! » happyflower, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:25:32
{{{{{{pinkeye}}}}}
You are not stupid. And I understand the "push and pull" all too well. I know how much you're hurting right now, how agonizing and achingly deep it is, especially when you can't get the answers from the one person you need them from. That in itself is so hard.
Please stay safe, and reach out if you need to, in whatever way will help. My offer for babblemail still stands.
Take care sweets, you're very valued here,
sv
Posted by sleepygirl on June 17, 2005, at 21:33:46
In reply to Babble is triggering old feelings again and again, posted by pinkeye on June 16, 2005, at 15:46:29
Pinkeye!
Hey, you're right, it's incredibly painful, it was too abrupt. It doesn't mean you can't try again though. It's a messy business getting attached, it's difficult, it's painful, but it can be worth it. I'm SO sorry it went so badly for you. I know it's hard. Please don't blame yourself. We do the best we can. Keep writing, get it out. It will get better slowly.
Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself.
Posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 21:37:12
In reply to Re: Babble is triggering old feelings again and again, posted by sleepygirl on June 17, 2005, at 21:33:46
Posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:40:36
In reply to YOU MATTER!!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!! (nm), posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 21:37:12
thanks everyone. Don't worry about me. I will definitely stay safe.
Posted by Dinah on June 17, 2005, at 21:50:25
In reply to thanks. I will stay safe. I promise, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:40:36
But I'm sorry to hear you hurting so much. I hope our conversation the other day didn't add to that. My choices and my priorities are just mine.
((((Pinkeye))))A pox on terminating therapists.
Posted by Deneb on June 17, 2005, at 23:44:40
In reply to thanks. I will stay safe. I promise, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:40:36
Try listening to some cheerful music...
Dance a little...
Pretend you're a one person rave :-)Try distracting yourself from your problems for a while. It might work.
Deneb
Posted by 10derHeart on June 18, 2005, at 0:08:46
In reply to thanks. I will stay safe. I promise, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:40:36
Thank you for writing this, for promising us, but even more, promising yourself. Make sure you remember how much we love you, and remember your husband does, too. Your T.would certainly want to support you if the thoughts of wanting to die become more scary or real.
I've stayed out of this thread. I struggle with what to say, because I know how triggered you've been getting. Trying to figure out some way to be helpful without mentioning too much about my own situations with T's, past and present. I fear I'm not skilled enough of a writer to do it. But I have to try to maybe give you what I see as a much bigger picture.
If it's any comfort at all, I'd say 95% of what you've written above, about what your ex-T. should have done, and what all T's should do and NEVER do - in handling termination is right on the mark. I feel like I can say that with some authority, because I've really had the complete opposite of what you're stil enduring now, as far as choices a T. makes on how to handle termination. I will NOT post any further details - I can't bear thinking of unecessarily hurting you.
I only mention it to be able to tell you - you've GOT it, pinkeye. You really do. You are right. When they do most/all of the things you describe, the client DOES heal and something really precious, resilient and wonderful is left over inside from that T's attitude and gentle care. Because you are so correct, so perceptive, so much a champion for all potential therapy clients out there, you could send that email if you wanted to. Of course, there's some risk he'd reply angrily one day, and that might be too scary to imagine. But, maybe not - he hasn't replied at all so far! Not suggesting it, just thinking that it's one way to turn this righteous anger outward, toward something, somewhere good and freeing. I hope to soon see you more free of this despair and more fighting for "the next step" for pinkeye.
The rage and hurt are at the root of so much. The suicidal ideation, IMO, often comes out of the progression we see (part of) here on the board. You feel sad and longing, confused, outraged, messed up, etc., all mixed in with a TON of anger. The anger just has no suitable outlet, so it goes inward. You want to harm something, hurt something (really ex-T and maybe your dad, sometimes) and it ends up with YOU - you are right there, and it's either impossible, or a huge conflict, to think of hurting T's or fathers. I know this pattern. I used to live it, too, over fear before a termination, and later other issues - but it was exactly like what you are writing. It ends up with us being able to *rationalize* (or should I say *irrationalize*) hurting ourselves as the only *logical* choice at the time. Anything to either stop this pain, or replace it with another kind of pain :-(
I wish I could replace it with warmth and acceptance and peace. I am praying for those things for you, pinkeye.
I don't know just how yet, but you are so smart and insightful, and have so much to offer. I feel like you should start a book or something. There is somehting in you from all this suffering and repeating of awful emtional states that is going to come together one day is a beautiful way. I really believe that. You'll be able to think back and realize you never could have_______[insert thing you are going to do in future] if you hadn't learned this stuff about therapists so completely and deeply the hardest way on earth - through personal experience.
I know. I know. When I talk like this, you must want to point out you didn't volunteer for this, and to let someone else become so wise through being hurt, not me. Not me. I have said that so many times. And I agree - sort of. But I figure, at this point, it's too late, in the sense this has already happened. We can't go back and fix his crappy termination technique. You can only go forward, to India, to working on your marriage, to even more support and learning with Babblers, to a better life you will have, to ??? who knows what? I know you are going to find your way. No one who works so sincerely and hard is going to be defeatd. Somehow, this is all going to be turned to good in little and big ways, maybe sooner than you think.
Maybe all of us - who've had every sort of T. termination from A - Z - horrible to wonderful, really ought to get together and write out our stories in detail, for possible collection into some kind of helpful book for T's and clients alike? A badly needed REAL - not theorectical junk - training manual. That is just one idea I get when my heart is (more often) breaking - or sometimes rejoicing - reading posts where the process has been bad, good, great, and all shades in between.
I'm thinking of stuff like this because I think - for you and me - we need as many places as possible to focus - to point ourselves toward and just take one step, two steps....less time for rumination and going back over the exact same things. Yet allowing us to incorporate them - especially the righteous anger - into something healing anyway. That way, we're not having to say - it was all useless, all pointless and for nothing in the rest of our lives. I'm probably being incoherent, but I hope you see my heart is in the right place.
Turning bad into good, pain into wisdom, sorrow into gladness, is what it's eventually all about.
I'm encouraged to hear you feel you might feel better by Monday. Hope it's even sooner. People here (me, too!!) find you a dear, wise, supportive friend. We really do need you, okay?
Posted by Tamar on June 18, 2005, at 11:41:18
In reply to thanks. I will stay safe. I promise, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:40:36
Pinkeye, I'm coming late to this thread but just wanted to say I like you very much and care about you, and I'm glad you're saying you'll stay safe.
I think your ex-T was very wrong to terminate you so abruptly: he has made things so difficult for you.
I think you are right when you say he doesn’t understand emotions. At least, he doesn’t seem to have understood how you would feel when he terminated you in that way. And I think you are right to be angry with him about it. You didn’t deserve it.
I know at times it can be hard to imagine ever feeling happy again. But eventually it will get a little better and you will be able to find some hope after all the despair.
Thinking of you and sending you big hugs,
Tamar
Posted by pinkeye on June 18, 2005, at 12:28:46
In reply to Re: thanks. I will stay safe. I promise » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 18, 2005, at 11:41:18
Posted by pinkeye on June 18, 2005, at 12:58:45
In reply to Re: I will stay safe. I promise*trigger*(long) » pinkeye, posted by 10derHeart on June 18, 2005, at 0:08:46
I am going to reply in more detail later to you 10der. thanks for your post..
but quickly - the relationship I had with my ex T is not worth fighting for or trying to send email or tring to salvage it anymore.. I am not going to do that. I will never write to him again in my lifetime.
Posted by happyflower on June 18, 2005, at 13:21:59
In reply to The relationship is not worth fighting for.. » 10derHeart, posted by pinkeye on June 18, 2005, at 12:58:45
Hi Pinkeye! How did the night go? How do you feel today? Do you really feel better? I am concerned about you, ( I know you hear me ) You can run but you can't hide! :)
Posted by gardenergirl on June 18, 2005, at 18:12:32
In reply to Re: The relationship is not worth fighting for.., posted by happyflower on June 18, 2005, at 13:21:59
Hi pinkeye,
I'm sorry you are hurting over your ex-T's behavior. You are so right in that his termination was not at all appropriate or helpful. You are strong to be able to move forward despite his behavior. And I'm glad you see it was his mistake and not your fault.(((Pinkeye)))
gg
Posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 13:28:45
In reply to Re: I will stay safe. I promise*trigger*(long) » pinkeye, posted by 10derHeart on June 18, 2005, at 0:08:46
I have to say 10derHeart - you are so extremely wise.. Nowadays I can't help the feeling when I read these posts here, why my ex T is not this wise? Why he never wrote like you guys write...I really have started thinking that he has a really a long way to go before becoming a great T. He is intelligent, only missed on emotions.. maybe I should write to him and tell him all the things that he needs to improve if he wants to be a good T.
Thanks for telling me that I understand the right therapy termination techniques.. it has come through the hard way. :-(. I don't want to be a champion for this cause or anything, beucase I don't identify too much with it, but you are right about writing a book.. someday I think I should.. I think we all should like Dinah suggested below.
And you are right on mark about turning the anger towards me.. I think I have been doing that all along.. there is so much of anger at my father, and some amount towards my ex T also, and I don't know how to channelize it.. maybe writing a letter would help.. but I am worried about it getting nowhwere - he wouldn't reply anyway.. and even if he did it will backfire..
thanks so much for posting this.. it helped me a lot
Posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 13:30:02
In reply to Re: thanks. I will stay safe. I promise » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 18, 2005, at 11:41:18
thanks Tamar.
I am wishing that I will find a way to let go of it and move on.. but I am not very good in moving on.. I have never been good. that is why I am finding it so hard..
I am better today.. thanks to all of you guys.
Posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 13:31:10
In reply to Re: The relationship is not worth fighting for.., posted by happyflower on June 18, 2005, at 13:21:59
I am feeling better - thanks for asking HF. Weekend was allright..didn't get much privacy so couldn't write..
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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