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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 13:44:32
I have begun wondering if the reason why I wrote here so much in the past few months is a slight wish that my ex T would read here and understand me, and somehow will help me heal further..
do any of you go through that kind of thinking? Is that normal or is it manipulative behavior on my part? I haven't said anything here which is not true, and I have been fully genuine here when I write, but still I wonder if the reason I have been writing here is this secret hoping that I will get the validation I needed from my ex T some day?
I know now that I will perhaps never hear again from him, and I am wondering by continuing to write here, am I still feeding the fantasy of a continuing therapy relationship with him?
Posted by happyflower on June 20, 2005, at 14:01:51
After what I have written he would think I would need to keep a bag over my face during therapy. I think sometimes we can write about things that we feel over the net and not feel so embarrest, but to tell him in person how I feel about him, well now way! lol I sure he can read it accross my face sometimes.
I was getting a little worried a couple of weeks ago that maybe he discoverd me on the net. So I asked him about it, and he said no he didn't see anything. He knows of one patients that has said things but he told me that he would tell me. But I think I got his curiocity up about it and now I am worried since he is on vacation this week that maybe he will try to find me! lol But I am sure he has a life and really doesn't care.
Posted by happyflower on June 20, 2005, at 14:03:53
In reply to No way! lol, posted by happyflower on June 20, 2005, at 14:01:51
Posted by happyflower on June 20, 2005, at 14:06:26
In reply to I need to learn to spell b-4 I go back to school (nm), posted by happyflower on June 20, 2005, at 14:03:53
Posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 14:25:41
In reply to Opps. last 2 post go with pinkeye's post (nm), posted by happyflower on June 20, 2005, at 14:06:26
How have you been HF?
Posted by pegasus on June 20, 2005, at 15:25:52
In reply to Anybody secretly wishes your T would read here?, posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 13:44:32
Oh, yes, yes, yes. I started posting here while I was in the middle of a therapy termination due to my T moving away. Although my therapy with him had been good, he really didn't do a very good job of talking about the stuff that came up for me around the termination. I sent him these long agonizing emails, and then we'd never talk about the stuff I brought up in them. So I was feeling very unheard. I think that's why I looked for something like babble. It seemed like a reasonable substitute, because *someone* here always read my posts, and they actually wrote back to discuss my points, unlike my T. So, when my T wasn't hearing me, at least babble was. I think that makes a lot of sense.
pegasus
Posted by Tamar on June 20, 2005, at 15:52:38
In reply to Anybody secretly wishes your T would read here?, posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 13:44:32
> I have begun wondering if the reason why I wrote here so much in the past few months is a slight wish that my ex T would read here and understand me, and somehow will help me heal further..
> do any of you go through that kind of thinking? Is that normal or is it manipulative behavior on my part? I haven't said anything here which is not true, and I have been fully genuine here when I write, but still I wonder if the reason I have been writing here is this secret hoping that I will get the validation I needed from my ex T some day?
I definitely have a secret wish that my T would read here. I don’t know if he would recognise me; I guess he would if he read for long enough.
I don’t think it’s manipulative, but I do think it might be related to transference and wanting to have a relationship with your T outside of therapy. At least, that’s how it is for me. I think if he could read what I post here then he’d really understand everything about me.
> I know now that I will perhaps never hear again from him, and I am wondering by continuing to write here, am I still feeding the fantasy of a continuing therapy relationship with him?
Maybe a little bit. But there are so many other reasons to write here as well as the T fantasy! I’ve found it incredibly helpful to be in contact with people who understand what it’s like to live with mental illness (and my T, unless he’s ever been depressed or something, can't truly understand what it feels like).
The other thing for me is that I connect being understood with being loved. I want my T to understand me because I imagine that if he understood me he would love me. I guess what I wish for from him is exactly the opposite of transference: I want him to love me not because I remind him of other loveable people he knows, but because he completely accepts who I am. I imagine that feeling completely accepted would banish all the shame and disgust I feel towards myself. I know rationally that he doesn’t have the power to banish my shame by loving me with some kind of perfect and transcendent love, but it’s my fantasy.
Does any of that resonate with you? Or does your fantasy work in different ways?
Posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 16:28:12
In reply to Re: Anybody secretly wishes your T would read here, posted by pegasus on June 20, 2005, at 15:25:52
Ok. Thank God I am not the only one with this.
I also feel very unheard, very misunderstood and frustrated with my ex T on the termination.. I think that is why I turned to babble - because here, I always get some understanding and support and people write back to me actually, instead of just me writing all the time and mails left unanswered.
Posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 16:31:28
In reply to Re: Anybody secretly wishes your T would read here? » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 20, 2005, at 15:52:38
> I definitely have a secret wish that my T would read here. I don’t know if he would recognise me; I guess he would if he read for long enough.Pinkeye - Thanks Tamar for validating me.. I also realized that I have that wish..
> I don’t think it’s manipulative, but I do think it might be related to transference and wanting to have a relationship with your T outside of therapy. At least, that’s how it is for me. I think if he could read what I post here then he’d really understand everything about me.
Pinkeye - Yeah, same exact feeling here as well :-)
> Maybe a little bit. But there are so many other reasons to write here as well as the T fantasy! I’ve found it incredibly helpful to be in contact with people who understand what it’s like to live with mental illness (and my T, unless he’s ever been depressed or something, can't truly understand what it feels like).
>
> The other thing for me is that I connect being understood with being loved. I want my T to understand me because I imagine that if he understood me he would love me. I guess what I wish for from him is exactly the opposite of transference: I want him to love me not because I remind him of other loveable people he knows, but because he completely accepts who I am. I imagine that feeling completely accepted would banish all the shame and disgust I feel towards myself. I know rationally that he doesn’t have the power to banish my shame by loving me with some kind of perfect and transcendent love, but it’s my fantasy.
>
> Does any of that resonate with you? Or does your fantasy work in different ways?
Pinkeye - It perfectly resonates with me.. I also have the same feeling, that if he understood me, he would love me, and if he loved me, I can love myself.. But now I am beginning to realize, that even if he understood me, maybe he won't love me.. and even if he loved me, maybe that won't be enough for me to love myself - it is something I have to earn for myself instead of wishing for someone else to give that validating to me... even though it might be something good to start with.
>
>
Posted by Tamar on June 20, 2005, at 16:39:41
In reply to Re: Anybody secretly wishes your T would read here? » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 16:31:28
> Pinkeye - It perfectly resonates with me.. I also have the same feeling, that if he understood me, he would love me, and if he loved me, I can love myself.. But now I am beginning to realize, that even if he understood me, maybe he won't love me.. and even if he loved me, maybe that won't be enough for me to love myself - it is something I have to earn for myself instead of wishing for someone else to give that validating to me... even though it might be something good to start with.Yeah, that's the tricky part! Finding ways to love ourselves just as we are. It does seem to be true that no one else's love can compensate if we don't love ourselves. And that if we do find ways to accept and love ourselves we can accept love from others more easily. It's just so hard to do!
Posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 16:50:27
In reply to Re: Anybody secretly wishes your T would read here? » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 20, 2005, at 16:39:41
And it may not really be possible for people like us - who have had csa and years of emotional abuse or in your case like rape.
It is extremely difficult to love ourselves wihtout adequate positive substitution from our surrounding people.
Peole (including Ts) say that the key is to accept yoruself and love yourself, but they forget to realize that human emotions need some amount of external validation throughout their life and not just in childhood to be able to feel it towards themselves.. They accept that if a child is not loved properly by the parents, then the child would demonstrate destructive patterns, but somehow once you become an adult, every body wants you to suddenly somehow magically be able to change your emotions and love yourselves without any influence from others. I think it needs to grow both ways (both from external as well as internal)
Posted by Jazzed on June 20, 2005, at 16:58:57
In reply to Anybody secretly wishes your T would read here?, posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 13:44:32
OMGosh NO! LOL If I ever had an inkling that he was, I'd be off in a heartbeat! I'm so transparent here, or at least I feel that way.
I can sure understand the thoughts though. I would just be tooooooo self conscious!
Jazzy
Posted by Jazzed on June 20, 2005, at 17:00:31
In reply to No way! lol, posted by happyflower on June 20, 2005, at 14:01:51
Posted by Dinah on June 20, 2005, at 20:20:54
In reply to Anybody secretly wishes your T would read here?, posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 13:44:32
So if he ever wants to painlessly get rid of me...
Posted by B2chica on June 21, 2005, at 11:34:33
In reply to Anybody secretly wishes your T would read here?, posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 13:44:32
Yes. sometimes it's easier for me to say how i feel here, then i get in his office and i forget what i planned on talking about or i can't get it out well. i do wish he would at least visit babble to see how great you all are.
b2c.
Posted by Shortelise on June 21, 2005, at 12:58:00
In reply to Anybody secretly wishes your T would read here?, posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 13:44:32
This is the end of the thread.
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