![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 221 to 245 of 283. Go back in thread:
Posted by pegasus on July 12, 2005, at 21:09:17
In reply to Chapter 6: Gaslighting, posted by Dinah on June 27, 2005, at 21:47:08
Hey, I have about 15 baby-less minutes to post everything I've wanted to post over the past 2 weeks!
The whole gaslighting issue made me think about something my boss said the other day. We were talking about people being terminated from their jobs (notice the unfortunate cooincidence in language between therapy and employment). He said that when people were terminated, there was always ample warning to them about whatever the problem was. Then he said that even so, often they're under the delusion that they weren't warned, and weren't doing anything wrong. So, then we all started wondering whether *we* were delusional about being good employees. Or was he just gaslighting the terminated people, to hide the fact that they were fired because he just didn't like them? Or maybe *he's* delusional about whether they were amply warned.
Anyway, my point is that this type of thing can happen in other places in life, too. But I think it's more nasty in therapy than in most others. Because it's about our general perception of reality, which is a pretty big thing to be delusional about.
Um, so, I guess that's all I have to say about gaslighting. I look forward to continuing this thread, even when I have trouble posting.
Peg
Posted by Dr. Bob on July 12, 2005, at 22:22:45
In reply to In Session thread: When is D. Lott coming?, posted by gardenergirl on July 12, 2005, at 13:36:44
Posted by daisym on July 13, 2005, at 0:27:32
In reply to Re: Chapter 6: Gaslighting, posted by pegasus on July 12, 2005, at 21:09:17
I was talking to a friend tonight who is a psychologist. She checks on me every so often, though I really think she is checking on my therapist. :) I told her that it frightened me that I can't seem to stay with the "real" work...that my therapy itself often becomes the topic of discussion. And i worry that my therapist will get bored. I told her about some of the bad terminations we've heard about here. It was her opinion that bad terminations and gaslighting occur when therapist have their ego invested in the work and when the only validation of their work comes directly from clients. She said the part they leave out of therapy training is how to accept that some clients won't make progress, despite your best efforts. But they might need you to help them simply stay in the same place, instead of getting worse. She also said it is hard to "take" a negative transference but if that is what the client needs, you, as the therapist, need to go down that road with the client. And wait and support and never abandon. It was interesting to hear her perspective. But she thought gaslighting clients about their progress is more common than you would think. Especially with managed care and 12-15 session rules.
I think I'm glad I'm not a therapist.
Posted by Dinah on July 13, 2005, at 17:52:18
In reply to Re: Chapter 6: Gaslighting » pegasus, posted by daisym on July 13, 2005, at 0:27:32
> She said the part they leave out of therapy training is how to accept that some clients won't make progress, despite your best efforts. But they might need you to help them simply stay in the same place, instead of getting worse.
Amazing. That's the conclusion I came to with my therapist about five years ago. That therapy was justified if it just helped you maintain your current acceptable, if not ideal, level of functioning.
Oddly enough, I then felt free to improve. :)
Posted by Dinah on July 13, 2005, at 17:53:46
In reply to Re: the plan is july 25 (nm), posted by Dr. Bob on July 12, 2005, at 22:22:45
Posted by alexandra_k on July 13, 2005, at 18:29:15
In reply to Perfect! I won't be leaving till the next week. (nm) » Dr. Bob, posted by Dinah on July 13, 2005, at 17:53:46
Are you coming back????
Posted by Dinah on July 13, 2005, at 18:38:18
In reply to Re: Um. Where are you going???? » Dinah, posted by alexandra_k on July 13, 2005, at 18:29:15
Posted by alexandra_k on July 13, 2005, at 19:20:12
In reply to California for a week. (nm) » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on July 13, 2005, at 18:38:18
Cool.
I guess that means the beach.
Thats a funny thought... I don't think its possible to be more than about an hours drive away from a beach here in NZ. But I've heard its a little different in some other parts of the world ;-)
Hope you have a good time.
Posted by Dinah on July 13, 2005, at 19:31:54
In reply to Re: California for a week. » Dinah, posted by alexandra_k on July 13, 2005, at 19:20:12
But sometimes I enjoy them.
Sometimes they are an ordeal.
Posted by pegasus on July 14, 2005, at 10:52:50
In reply to Re: Chapter 6: Gaslighting » pegasus, posted by daisym on July 13, 2005, at 0:27:32
Wow, scary. Yet another big challenge to being a really good therapist.
Posted by sadmom on July 17, 2005, at 18:19:58
In reply to Re: Chapter 6: Gaslighting » daisym, posted by pegasus on July 14, 2005, at 10:52:50
I don't remember what gaslighting is? Can someone briefly explain in a couple of sentences. I read the book and gave to my therapist to read, but she forgot to return.
Posted by crushedout on July 17, 2005, at 22:57:23
In reply to I never look forward to vacations. » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on July 13, 2005, at 19:31:54
oh boy i can relate to that. i don't look forward to them either. i generally avoid taking them too. and people think i'm nuts
Posted by crushedout on July 17, 2005, at 22:59:44
In reply to Re: the plan is july 25 (nm), posted by Dr. Bob on July 12, 2005, at 22:22:45
when you say "coming" what do you mean??? is she going to be a guest expert or something?? sorry i should probably just read all the posts. but if someone wants to fill me in i'd be psyched.that is so cool.
Posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 0:06:52
In reply to holy sh*t she's really coming?, posted by crushedout on July 17, 2005, at 22:59:44
Posted by Dinah on July 19, 2005, at 19:01:26
In reply to Re: Chapter 6: Gaslighting, posted by sadmom on July 17, 2005, at 18:19:58
Gaslighting comes from a Hitchcock movie where the husband arranged for the gaslights to be dimmed then denies that they are dimming when the wife notices it, as a part of a campaign to make her believe she's going crazy by denying her reality.
I guess it could apply in therapy, with some therapists anyway. Especially the ones who deny the reality of their part in any relationship, and tell the client everything is in their own mind, or transference.
(My therapist did that to one of my books. And I had offered to pay him to read it!)
Posted by Dinah on July 19, 2005, at 19:06:02
In reply to Re: Chapter 6: Gaslighting » sadmom, posted by Dinah on July 19, 2005, at 19:01:26
If I didn't know better, I'd say it wasn't coincidence that life conspired to put me behind on reading the book at this exact chapter.
But I was early for therapy, and had a chance to read it.
Hmmm... I wonder if that contributed to my anger today?
I dunno. I don't know if I want a *perfect* mother in my therapist. I think a good-enough one will do. He's gotten surprisingly comfortable with my discussions of his milky breast. grin.
I'm not altogether sure what I think about the conclusions of this chapter, partly because it bit too close to home.
Posted by fallsfall on July 19, 2005, at 21:27:42
In reply to Re: Chapter 6: Gaslighting » sadmom, posted by Dinah on July 19, 2005, at 19:01:26
In honor of our discussion of this book I rented "Gaslight". It is an impressive movie. I recommend it.
Posted by Dinah on July 20, 2005, at 17:29:23
In reply to Re: Chapter 6: Gaslighting » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on July 19, 2005, at 21:27:42
I find Hitchcock a tad scary. Is this one of his less scary ones?
Posted by Dinah on July 20, 2005, at 17:30:06
In reply to Chapter 7: Dreams of the Perfect Mother, posted by Dinah on July 19, 2005, at 19:06:02
Posted by fallsfall on July 20, 2005, at 17:54:43
In reply to Re: Chapter 6: Gaslighting » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on July 20, 2005, at 17:29:23
I watched it knowing that he was purposefully driving her crazy. It is scary in the sense that one person *can* literally drive another insane. I detached a bit by observing what he was doing to drive her crazy.
Nothing like Psycho or The Birds...
Posted by alexandra_k on July 21, 2005, at 15:53:31
In reply to No one Dreams of the Perfect Mother? (nm), posted by Dinah on July 20, 2005, at 17:30:06
I know this sounds horrid... But I just wanted my mother to get the hell away from me. She had even less of a comprehension of boundaries than I do. She was invasive. E.g., 'put a sweater on you are cold'. I was warm as anything - I was running around. She was cold - she needed to put a sweater on. Then when my putting a sweater on didn't work for her I had to go inside because it was just too cold out there.
And thats a relatively harmless example.
I don't really miss having a mother.
I don't know what it would mean to me to have had a mother that cared for me.
I missed my dad when he left, though.
:-(
Posted by pegasus on July 21, 2005, at 17:40:28
In reply to No one Dreams of the Perfect Mother? (nm), posted by Dinah on July 20, 2005, at 17:30:06
Well, I guess I dream of a perfect support person, but I never thought of that fantasy person as a mother. Don't know why. I always kind of associated it more with a prince charming type of character. Someone who will help me actually live my life.
But, that said, this chapter did resonate with me to an extent. Maybe I'm just not tuned in to an unconscious desire for a perfect mother, or something.
The part that I keep thinking about is the story about the woman who was actually remothered by a type of therapist. I'm fascinated by the idea of being able to "be a baby" again with someone. Dinah, what did you think of that? Did it sound appealing to you on any level?
I found it both very appealing, and really frightening. I kept thinking what would happen if one of you (client/baby or therapist/mother) stepped out of the assigned role for a minute. Wouldn't it ruin the whole fantasy/therapy, and probably even be fairly traumatic? And it seems inevitable that the therapist would step out of the role on occasion.
pegasus
Posted by Dinah on July 21, 2005, at 18:07:53
In reply to Re: No one Dreams of the Perfect Mother?, posted by pegasus on July 21, 2005, at 17:40:28
I would have *hated* that. It even sounds mildly abusive. Especially as she said the *mother* used the babies to get her needs met.
That just sounds like a very very very very bad idea.
Posted by daisym on July 22, 2005, at 1:41:54
In reply to Re: No one Dreams of the Perfect Mother?, posted by pegasus on July 21, 2005, at 17:40:28
I wanted a mother who would have comforted me physically for as long as I wanted her too. She would have caught my tears with her shoulder, instead of reminding me that tears accomplish nothing. She would have rubbed a hurting tummy and used mommy magic to make it better, instead of reminding me that I shouldn't have eaten ice cream. She would have let me sit on her lap and rock outside on the porch after dinner, instead of reminding me that there were still dishes to be done.
I wanted a mother who made me feel safe. She would have let me leave the light on in the hallway because I was afraid of the dark, instead of reminding me that I was a big girl now. She would have said "come get me if you have a bad dream" instead of reminding me that her closed door meant I was not to knock and wake her or (God forbid) dad up. She would have wondered about my withdrawal, instead of reminding me that shy people end up at the end of the line in life.
I wanted a mother who was tuned in enough to sense what was happening and make it stop. I wanted a mother who could see my pain.
I still want that.
I know my therapist can't ever be the mother I didn't have. But truly, one of the best things he ever said to me was that, even if my mother didn't know what was happening, it was OK for me to think that she should have and to feel outrage that she didn't guess and didn't save me, and he makes it equally OK that I love her and still want to protect her. When I ache for these things I'll never get from her, he reminds me that "at least" I have him now to listen to all the hurt and fear and he says he does see the pain and he promised to always leave the hall light on for me -- "so you can find me when you need me."
Posted by fallsfall on July 22, 2005, at 10:09:23
In reply to I wanted the perfect mother., posted by daisym on July 22, 2005, at 1:41:54
I want that for you, too.
Your children are lucky because they do have that.
(((((...Daisy)))))...
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.