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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on April 6, 2006, at 9:12:21
i tried talking yesterday in session. it went ok i guess. but it' s hard cuz i know i need to talk and i am starting to trust her a bit but....i don't feel protected. i could open up to last T cuz i felt protected if i fell during session. with new female T i just can't feel protected so 'I' have to protect me which turns out to not talking/opening up.
she asked me an embarrasing question so on instinct i lied. even though i want to tell her the truth...i can't yet. i'm scared and just can't handle getting hurt by her.
i was even a little upset that she asked me the question...i felt like i wasn't belieived, or that she was accusing me (even though i know she wasn't...she just brought up feelings that i got from my mother) shame. i know that in order to get open she needs to ask me some questions, but at the same time i don't want her to ask me anything.
i just feel SO to blame for Everything. Everything when i was young. now i feel like she has a judgemental tone (even though i don't think she is...my mind automatically is thinking this). i tried to tell her that when i was young a couple guys made me watch porn with them... she asked 'how did they make you?'...a legitimate question i think but all i could thnk was...well they didn't tie me up so i guess they didn't make me, i guess i wanted it...just like they said.
truth is my brother would pull me downstairs and have me sit between the two of them and coach me.
so i think...maybe i did 'want' it. i KNOW I DIDN"T, i DIDN"T. Honest...God, how do i explain it. all signs point to me wanting it. i didn't...but it all points to me being a disgusting person, not stopping it, not fighting it over and over.
What do i do.
please help me understand.
Posted by canadagirl on April 6, 2006, at 11:10:44
In reply to session yesterday**trigger**, posted by B2chica on April 6, 2006, at 9:12:21
It must be so hard for you....you have been hurt badly. Hang in there...what happened to you was not your fault and you did not do anything wrong....it will get better....keep going to therapy and getting those feelings out.
Posted by Poet on April 6, 2006, at 13:44:34
In reply to session yesterday**trigger**, posted by B2chica on April 6, 2006, at 9:12:21
Hi B2chica,
<<truth is my brother would pull me downstairs and have me sit between the two of them and coach me. so i think...maybe i did 'want' it. i KNOW I DIDN"T, i DIDN"T. Honest...God, how do i explain it. all signs point to me wanting it. i didn't...but it all points to me being a disgusting person, not stopping it, not fighting it over and over.
I think what you wrote clearly says you didn't want it. Your brother dragged you down the stairs. Maybe you went along with it because you were afraid of him. You didn't yell or hit him because you were afraid of what he'd do. Or afraid that nobody would believe you if you told on him. I'm pretty certain that's why my brother got away with what he did to me. What HE did to me, not what, out of fear, I allowed to be done to me.
I don't believe you asked for it. I know I didn't.
Poet
Posted by ghost on April 6, 2006, at 17:33:00
In reply to session yesterday**trigger**, posted by B2chica on April 6, 2006, at 9:12:21
you didn't want it. you just weren't in control of the situation and even though you weren't tied up with your eyes taped open in front of the television, you didn't want it, and didnt want to be there.
i can see how some questions would trigger emotions and clamming up, too... plus it's that whole "it's not what you say, it's how you say it" thing. the question itself might be legit, but in context, it could be all wrong.
i need people to ask me questions too, but it's really important *how* they ask them (and when).
i dont blame you for clamming up. or lying. although i have to say that i don't think it's doing either of you any good. not saying you have to open up to her, but i am saying maybe you should rethink who you waste your time with? she sounds like she's trying, but it also sounds like it's not entirely the right approach for what you need.
just my unwarranted two cents :)
*love*
ghost
Posted by Daisym on April 7, 2006, at 1:11:01
In reply to session yesterday**trigger**, posted by B2chica on April 6, 2006, at 9:12:21
Who are you trying to convince? The therapist or us...or yourself? You sound like me...
If it is Ok, I'd like to try to walk you through this in a way my therapist did for me. If I get nothing else out of therapy, his reframing about something for me is worth every tear.
So, to start with, try to get your mind back to that age and if you can, let yourself feel the fear. Now, how would you, as little B2, tell your brother and friends to stop? Did you have the words back then? Could you push back the fear in your throat to get those words out? Do you feel strong? I'm guessing no.
Now, try to get inside her head as you were watching all this. Is she having fun? Smiling on the inside and out? Did you repeat this adventure when you were alone? Did she suggest it to them the next time?
If you really let yourself think about it in these ways, it gets clearer and clearer that this wasn't a self-chosen, enjoyable activity. You were frozen with fear, your brain turned off and you went into pure safety and survival mode. I'm sure that your therapist knows this and isn't judging you. I'm guessing her questions are to help you begin to give the details of your stories so that the truth is clear to the only one who really matters -- YOU.
Hang in. I'm proud of you for talking about this with her. Trust is built slowly, one word at a time.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by happyflower on April 7, 2006, at 3:01:05
In reply to Re: session yesterday**trigger** » B2chica, posted by Daisym on April 7, 2006, at 1:11:01
I like and agree with with Daisy is saying. You didn't want it, nobody wants abuse. So that makes me see that you are still wondering if it was abuse or not because if you did see it as abuse, you would know it wasn't your fault or that you wanted it.
For me just admitting I was abused, was the the hardest point in my therapy. Once you accept that it was abuse, then you have to really deal with that, and not cover it up for you own mental protection. I think this is when the healing really starts.
I think you are doing great after everything and working with a new therapist must be so hard. I would have a very hard time to open up to a new T especially about things this personal. So I think just take it more slow, trust is something that needs to be built up slowly. I think you are doing good concidering you haven't been with this T very long. You should give yourself a pat on the back! (((((((B2))))))))
Posted by madeline on April 7, 2006, at 6:15:48
In reply to session yesterday**trigger**, posted by B2chica on April 6, 2006, at 9:12:21
B2,
My therapist always tells me that in a situation where a child has absolutely no control, they will try to assume some control over things by saying, "well, I must have caused this or I didn't try hard enough to stop it". Even as children we try so hard to understand what has happened to us.But the fact of the matter is, there was nothing that you could do to stop what they did to you.
But you do have control now, and YOU are the active agent in your life.
Before continuing to talk about this in therapy, I would directly tell your therapist how she made you feel. Let her know that you might not respond well to questions.
Give her a chance to make this easier for you. And Daisy is right, you have to feel the fear you felt as a child, BUT, you can do it in a way that is much more comfortable for you now.
((((((B2))))))
Posted by B2chica on April 7, 2006, at 10:42:31
In reply to Re: session yesterday**trigger** » B2chica, posted by Daisym on April 7, 2006, at 1:11:01
i can't tell them to stop, they'll tell mom. they will say what i did. im' scared, i'm inside. if i just do what they say, they'll be done soon and i can go away.
i remember...when they...they, moved me. my brother made me he did i Swear! why won't anyone believe me. ..cuz i'm always to blame.nonono not fun, i feel ashamed (as i should) i HATE porn of any kind. those poor girls. they don't want to be there either.
i'm sad and need to go away for a while. little2
Posted by B2chica on April 7, 2006, at 10:43:48
In reply to Re: session yesterday**trigger** » B2chica, posted by Poet on April 6, 2006, at 13:44:34
i was afraid. of all trouble, just leave me alone. they didn't.
i'm sorry for you poet.
little2
Posted by B2chica on April 7, 2006, at 10:44:52
In reply to Re: session yesterday**trigger** » B2chica, posted by ghost on April 6, 2006, at 17:33:00
no...i didn't...
i think you understand. i hug you ghost.
little2
> you didn't want it. you just weren't in control of the situation and even though you weren't tied up with your eyes taped open in front of the television, you didn't want it, and didnt want to be there.
>
> i can see how some questions would trigger emotions and clamming up, too... plus it's that whole "it's not what you say, it's how you say it" thing. the question itself might be legit, but in context, it could be all wrong.
>
> i need people to ask me questions too, but it's really important *how* they ask them (and when).
>
> i dont blame you for clamming up. or lying. although i have to say that i don't think it's doing either of you any good. not saying you have to open up to her, but i am saying maybe you should rethink who you waste your time with? she sounds like she's trying, but it also sounds like it's not entirely the right approach for what you need.
>
> just my unwarranted two cents :)
>
> *love*
> ghost
Posted by fairywings on April 7, 2006, at 16:26:45
In reply to session yesterday**trigger**, posted by B2chica on April 6, 2006, at 9:12:21
OMG B2, i'm so sorry ..... that you didn't feel you could tell her, and that you were forced to do it in the 1st place. when we're little, and scared, and made to do things how can we stop them? i'm sure it was scary and painful for you then, and threatening to you now. you did put it well....you were dragged, they made you sit between them - there was a reason for that. i hope you can tell her.
it's really hard to be honest when you feel like you're being judged. i hope she wasn't.
fw
Posted by daisym on April 7, 2006, at 17:54:07
In reply to Re: session yesterday**trigger** » Daisym, posted by B2chica on April 7, 2006, at 10:42:31
It is Ok to stop thinking about this stuff for awhile. Come back and talk about it when you are ready. You don't have to feel strong, or brave. You can feel sad. You can even feel mad about being made to talk about it. You don't have to.
I'm glad you said you needed to stop. It is important to learn that you can control things now. I hope you have a peaceful weekend.
Hugs,
Daisy
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