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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on June 4, 2006, at 23:07:51
Dear daisy:
You are the surprise of my life. I never knew I had you in me, I never knew I had parts and pieces of me that carried old hurts and old hopes. I never knew how much you hurt and how much you needed to be heard. I just never knew.
I've been haunted my whole life by sadness and longing. My mother used to say, "I never know how to make you happy." And then I'd try really hard to rearrange my face and put on a smile and go get another A...just so she would think I was happy. I took very good care of my mother, and my brothers and my sister. And I took very good care of my children and my husband and my friends. The only person I didn't take care of was you. I'm sorry for that. I just never knew how.
I know you still hurt immensely. I know you feel trapped and betrayed by a body you despise. I know you are scared witless about what comes next and about failing. And mostly you are waiting for the world to see what a fake you are and to reject and scorn you. Eventually someone will see your secret shame and hold you accountable for it. I didn't realize just how exhausting it has been for you to hold that emotional armor in place, and how big your fear is that it is slipping. I just never knew.
But I know now. And I'm trying to hold on and help you be heard and find healing. But we have to work together and I can't keep fighting off your urge to give up. I know it is warranted and comes from an old place that is filled with the blackest of black thoughts. But I'm asking you to try to just choose life. Let go of wanting to die and instead begin to hope that you can eventually find something that fills up that void inside. That means facing down old demons instead of bailing. It means gathering up your courage and trusting that someone might love you someday. And...might let you love them back. It's a novel concept - love without pain, sacrifice and hurt. But oh, what a concept it is!
There is hope daisy, you just have to have faith. God has given you some special people to help you on this journey towards choosing life. Lean on them, cry on them, let them make you laugh. Happiness isn't something you can find all by yourself. You have to be willing to accept help and let it find you.
Just like I found you.
Choose life, daisy. Choose life.
Posted by muffled on June 4, 2006, at 23:32:26
In reply to Dear daisy (my attempt), posted by Daisym on June 4, 2006, at 23:07:51
I could relate to lots of what you said.
If you don't mind, maybe I can try and copy it to my journal with some personal variations.
It was so very kind. Makes my heart hurt.
If I could cry, I would've on reading this.Muffy
Posted by llrrrpp on June 4, 2006, at 23:33:59
In reply to Dear daisy (my attempt), posted by Daisym on June 4, 2006, at 23:07:51
Daisy,
that was so poignant. you said so many things that resonated with me. So many truths. So much insight. thank you so much for sharing. I'm going to read this one again, when my eyes aren't filled up with tears. You have a beautiful voice,yours,
-llrrrpp
Posted by LadyBug on June 5, 2006, at 0:13:37
In reply to Dear daisy (my attempt), posted by Daisym on June 4, 2006, at 23:07:51
There is hope daisy. You just have to have faith. You too are a very special person that God has palced on this earth to help others as you have.
May that place inside you that feels empty be healed and the pain gone and the darkness be turned to a light far brighter than you ever dreamed.
Never give up daisy, never give up. Chose to live.
You are growing one step at a time. Thanks for being you.
LadyBug
Posted by Dinah on June 5, 2006, at 3:19:27
In reply to Dear daisy (my attempt), posted by Daisym on June 4, 2006, at 23:07:51
Posted by annierose on June 5, 2006, at 6:32:44
In reply to Dear daisy (my attempt), posted by Daisym on June 4, 2006, at 23:07:51
It is a beautiful letter and full of hope. It's the first time you ever mentioned the possibility of ever falling love again, and that made me smile.
Choose life Daisy, there is nothing to be gained in death. Think of three beautiful MEN (or will our sons always be our boys) that love, need and want their mom to be around for a very long time. Your grandma days haven't even begun yet. Can you even imagine?
Posted by rubenstein on June 5, 2006, at 10:03:09
In reply to Dear daisy (my attempt), posted by Daisym on June 4, 2006, at 23:07:51
Daisy
What a beautiful letter, it really hit close to home for me
thanks for writing and for sharing it
rachel
Posted by Poet on June 5, 2006, at 10:24:41
In reply to Dear daisy (my attempt), posted by Daisym on June 4, 2006, at 23:07:51
Hi Daisy,
Your letter isn't just an attempt- it's a success. You perfectly worded your past, the resulting pain, and the hope that the future will be better.
<<I know you still hurt immensely. I know you feel trapped and betrayed by a body you despise. I know you are scared witless about what comes next and about failing. And mostly you are waiting for the world to see what a fake you are and to reject and scorn you.
I strongly identify with this.
You wrote a great letter.
Poet
Posted by ClearSkies on June 5, 2006, at 12:33:22
In reply to Dear daisy (my attempt), posted by Daisym on June 4, 2006, at 23:07:51
Such a poignant letter. It obviously is resonating with many of us.
((((Daisy))))
Posted by orchid on June 5, 2006, at 16:48:40
In reply to Dear daisy (my attempt), posted by Daisym on June 4, 2006, at 23:07:51
So eloquently put (as always), and wonderful wording.
Isn't it amazing how we end up with so much insight into ourselves but yet, somehow miss the link to healing? Maybe the connection just needes to take time - like you can plan out a bridge's architectural plans well ahead, but to end up building the bridge itself takes years. But you have the architectural plans ready to cross your river of sadness and they are perfect. And one day you will be there on the other side of the river. Meanwhile, all you have to do is to lay the grids of happiness and cheer and rightful living which you deserve one by one, and fix them firm and move on to the next one and not look back, and sooner than you realize, you will be done. !!!
Maybe, one predominant thing that I have always noticed from your posts has been your desire to be perfect - a perfect mother, worker, woman etc etc. And a deep fear of not being accepted for who you really are. I think you have a deep shame of things the way they were with you (the abuse), and to compensate for that shame you chose perfection in other things (straight As etc). One thing that might help to alleviate the fear (or rather bring it out fully so it can be dealth with) would be to intentionally mess up things, so you don't have the perfectness facade to hide behind. What I am saying is, maybe you can stop doing things so wonderfully, and do things in a very ordinary way for sometime, so that your own insecurities come out and you can deal with them quickly and get them out of your way, and then later, you can go back to your perfection if you so desire at that point, not as a facade, but as a way to love your life. I hope it makes sense.
Posted by fallsfall on June 6, 2006, at 7:33:12
In reply to Dear daisy (my attempt), posted by Daisym on June 4, 2006, at 23:07:51
I like the tone of acceptance in this letter. daisy is sweet and innocent and important.
Give her a hug for me. (((daisy)))
This is the end of the thread.
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