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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on September 18, 2006, at 15:56:29
I cried more today than I have cried in a long time. Today was so, so hard.
My suspicions were true about Anne. Randy and her did decide on Fri that I shouldnt see her anymore, and just as I suspected, she just wasnt going to tell me that.. thats why she kept telling me to just talk to Randy. Well screw her.
I had already called and said I wasnt coming back but hearing it from Randy made it more real. He told me to stop holding back the tears (I didnt think it was showing at all.. ha) and I just broke up. The sobbing kind of crying. I was trying so hard to hold it in. He kept saying its ok, let it out.. over and over.. and I just shook my head no the entire time. But I did cry. He gave me a chance to talk about how I felt towards him for this situation (not too upset with him, but I appreciated the opportunity). We talked about how abandoning it felt. How I just wanted her to get it and hear me, and how I just dont get why she wont do the little things... like check in with my regarding suicidal feelings.. knowing it would make me feel 20 times more heard. Why wont she? I dont know. I told Randy I'm afraid he's on her side. He said no. I still sort of think he is.. but he's on mine too, if that's possible. I just dont know.
After group ended, he asked to talk to me and took me in his office. He said.. before you sit down, come here..and gave me a big hug. Id stopped crying by then but I lost it again right away. He held me there for a good 20 seconds or so. Then we sat down and he sat next to me on the couch and held my hand.. he asked if he was too close.. I said yes. He said that was okay. When I feel vulnerable, I really want people to back away. But he wouldnt. I dont think that's a bad or inappropriate thing in this instance (although I guess it could be). He knows how much I'm hurting right now and how much I am hating myself and it really made me feel supported, if nothing else. We just talked for 5 or 10 min about how it's okay to be who I am, I'm not full of sh*t (thats my favorite line), all that.. I cried most of the time and just stared at the floor. Then he let me go and he gave me another hug.
I went back to the workshop that was starting.. the woman asked what the stressors were in my life now (it was a stress managemnet workshop).. and of course I lost it again, cried some more.. but got it under control pretty quick.
Later in the day, the psychiatrists office called and said they had to cancel my Friday appt. I've never even seen this dr before so I dont really care, but I started laughing and crying at the same time during the message.. it's just one thing after another.
Randy said there is a therapist about 30 mniutes from here that he wants me to see. He said that he would send his family to her and he really trusts her. He said she will get in your head and emotions and stay there.. and thats what I need. So I think I am going to try it with her. We'll see.
Aside from the incredible hurt, I am so, so angry at Anne for doing this to me. For letting Randy deliver the message. For talking to me Friday, hanging up like it was any other day.. knowing I wouldnt see her again. Our last session 2 weeks ago, neither of us knew this was coming so it isnt her fault, but it ended just like any other session.. I wish I'd known it was my last one. This would be so much easier if I could just leave her knowing that she heard how hard this was for me. But as it is, shes essentially just dropped off into nowhere and it doesnt matter. I'm thinking of leaving her a message to say I think it was a really sh*tty thing for her to do... but I dont know. I'll probably talk to randy about it first. I mean, is it really possible that shell just let it go like this? I'd like to think she wont, but she will. I just know it.
I have tomorrow off parital because I'm going to TRY to go to class. I dont think I'll be able to do it. We'll see. I called Laurie to see if she'll see me tomorrow, just once.. even though partial is great, I just need someone to talk to for an entire hour about this, where I dont have to worry about the rest of the group, etc. It's so last minute though, i hope she'll see me. I really hope.
I also saw the pdoc today. A new (better) one. She switched me off celexa (it was making me sick) onto lexapro.. I guess it has less side effects. She wants to add a low dose of lithium in a few weeks.. I'm not bipolar, but she thinks itll help with the suicidal stuff. Who knows.
Sorry this is so long. I broke down in tears several times while writing it. I just have to get it out. It hurts SO bad you all... it really hurts. It just isnt fair. And there are the tears again...
thanks for reading.
Posted by tryingtobewise on September 18, 2006, at 16:13:30
In reply to hard day... anne, partial (long), posted by wishingstar on September 18, 2006, at 15:56:29
wishingstar...ugh! I'm so sorry for your experience with Anne. She does NOT sound like a quality therapist! Anyway, please, please, please, do not think it is your fault. Try to hang in there.
Hugs,
Kim
Posted by annierose on September 18, 2006, at 18:08:49
In reply to hard day... anne, partial (long), posted by wishingstar on September 18, 2006, at 15:56:29
You deserve a giant hug and permission to cry all your heart desires. Anne is a coward --- in my opinion. If she felt she could no longer work with you or help you, she should have told you herself.
Give yourself a few days, weeks, whatever. Then if you still feel like you need to tell her how you feel, I would let her know. You could write her a letter - that way, you control the tone and the content and can edit, edit, edit.
I'm glad you already have a solid referral. I drive 20 - 25 minutes to see my therapist three times a week. Usually it's nice to have that drive time to clear my head to and fro.
((((((((wishingstar))))))))))
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 18, 2006, at 18:44:52
In reply to hard day... anne, partial (long), posted by wishingstar on September 18, 2006, at 15:56:29
Hang in there, honey. Better help is (apparently) just 30 minutes away. And I'm hoping Laurie will step in tomorrow and help you out.
You are right to be angry with Anne and to have expected more from her. I can't believe that she thinks this is a therapeutic way to handle this. I'd be interested in Randy's explanation about why it was left to him to terminate on her behalf. This is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. (This has clearly triggered my bad therapist memories, which I won't go into here, but trust me when I tell you that it all worked out the way it was supposed to.)
Keep hanging in there, okay? And keep us posted.
Posted by frida on September 18, 2006, at 19:36:23
In reply to Re: hard day... anne, partial (long) » wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on September 18, 2006, at 18:44:52
Reading your post brought me tears for you -
that is so so wrong of Anne to end things that way. I think there are no excuses for her not to tell her the decision herself, after all, you had a therapeutic relationship, you were her patient, she should have honoured that and told you.
How wrong of her not to talk with you directly. :-(I hope you got some relief from crying and sharing these tears and pain with someone...I am glad you could do that and that it seems there is hope and help for you soon.
I really hope Laurie can see you.
I think I would feel so hurt I would leave a message to anne, just expressing how hurt I am that she didn't tell me herself and asked someone else to do it, and that even if things weren't working, you tried so hard-
I am so sorry
thinking of you - keep us posted
Frida
Posted by Gee on September 18, 2006, at 20:04:41
In reply to hard day... anne, partial (long), posted by wishingstar on September 18, 2006, at 15:56:29
Wow, it sounds like you had a tough, but a good day. I'm so glad that randy was there for you. It sucks that Anne wasn't when she should have been, but it's really not your fault. I hope that can make it to class tomorrow. Maybe some normality would help? I'm so glad that you've found this partial program. You sound so much better. ((((WISHINGSTAR))))
Posted by Jost on September 18, 2006, at 20:25:45
In reply to hard day... anne, partial (long), posted by wishingstar on September 18, 2006, at 15:56:29
That's a really awful thing to go through, Wishingstar.
Anne is a coward. There's no other word for it. I have to agree 100% with annierose. How terrible to have that happen.
You deserve so much more.
Maybe Randy will give you the support and kindness to get through this.
It is extremely hard to start again especially after this kind of outcome. I hope you won't blame yourself, or think it's a reflection of who you are that Anne did this.
I'm so sorry, though.
Jost
Posted by muffled on September 18, 2006, at 21:44:25
In reply to hard day... anne, partial (long), posted by wishingstar on September 18, 2006, at 15:56:29
So, so, sorry :-( WS. Stuff like that should never happen. I hope at some point you can find out what happened. Cuz Anne sure handled it VERY badly it would seem?
I am SO glad that you were in the program when it happened so you had some back up. They sound like good people there.
Though I a little puzzled why Randy would ask if he was too close and then NOT back away. I don't think that was so bad, bur kinda weird somehow. But mebbe its just one of those things where you had to be there....
Take special care at this difficult time.
Muffled
Posted by ClearSkies on September 19, 2006, at 7:42:41
In reply to hard day... anne, partial (long), posted by wishingstar on September 18, 2006, at 15:56:29
I agree with everyone else that what happened is just awful. It was handled really badly by Anne - she comes off as a coward, big time.
CS
Posted by Poet on September 19, 2006, at 8:42:35
In reply to hard day... anne, partial (long), posted by wishingstar on September 18, 2006, at 15:56:29
Hi wishingstar,
I agree with everyone who thinks Anne is a coward for how she handled ending your therapy with her. I will add that she is a clueless coward.
Getting someone else who she knows you trust to do her dirty work is rotten. It's unprofessional,too.
I'm sorry she put you through this. I hope Laurie, Randy and the T that Randy recommends treat you the way you deserve to be.
Hard cold cyber slap to Anne.
Poet
Posted by wishingstar on September 19, 2006, at 21:15:44
In reply to hard day... anne, partial (long), posted by wishingstar on September 18, 2006, at 15:56:29
Wow.. thank you all so much for your support. It helps so much to know that I'm not the only one who sees this as hurtful and ridiculous. Sometimes I feel like it;s somehow my fault (no idea how it could be).. but hearing you guys react helps me feel better about that.
I wrote anne a note today.. 1 page double sided.. about how hurtful and wrong this was. I said that she should know better, she should have told me herself, etc etc. Went in to her office to leave it in her mailbox.. shes on the 3rd floor (its a house turned into therapy offices), mailboxes are on the first.. saw that her car was there but didnt think id run into her.. but of course.. OF COURSE.. as I'm walking out, she comes walking down the stairs.
We talked for maybe 10 min. She asked if there was anything I wanted to say when we ran into each other.. I burst into tears and said something like "well yeah, but i dont know what" with a real snotty voice, I'm sure. But then I told her how I felt, at least somewhat.. she said she thought "long and hard" about whether to call me back on fri or not, and really thought waiting until i was with randy was better for me.. she apologized when I said it wasnt. She knew I was mad. But she still shouldnt have been so clueless as to think that was better. Then we basically said goodbye, she said good luck with everything.. I walked to my car and broke down.. sobbing in my car. She drove out behind me.. I left a few min later. I'll never see her again.
...possible suicide/minor SI triggers below.....
I am scared. I am scared of myself. I dont feel safe. I spent an hour on the phone with another suicide hotline person.. he was pretty good but i manage to talk myself into corners and there's nothing anyone can say to get me out. Good to talk to someone anyway, I guess.. I dont know.
I tried to SI.. it had been many many months since I last did.. and it didnt work. It hurt and it didnt help. That isnt supposed to happen. It feels like my best coping mechanism, the "just in case" one, has been ripped away now.
Tomorrow or Thurs is suppposed to be my last day of partial Randy said. I made an appt with Laurie for Friday. I dont want to leave, but I dont want to stay there either. When I started, I felt depressed and wasnt functioning, but now I feel depressed, am feeling really suicidal, and am not functioning. He has definitely helped me in a LOT of ways.. but no one can make me happy. No one can convince me I want to stick around and keep fighting this battle.. you know? I'll tell him tomorrow how bad tonight was.. because it was the first time I felt REALLY suicidal in awhile.. but who knows. I'm getting ot the point where the workshops in partial are starting to repeat.. theres not a lot more I can get out of it. So now what? I'm just screwed. I feel so incredibly hopeless.
I just wish Anne would care about me. I need her. I really need her now.. even if it was the "normal" her where she wasnt really hearing me, etc.. I just need someone familiar and safe. As much as I love Randy, he isnt familiar and safe yet. He's scary in some ways. Doing all this in a group can be scary. We got a new guy today who intimidates me a lot.. his problem is depression but hes just scary. I need something. Laurie will be good. I just cant keep doing this.
I do want to respond to some of you individually about what you said but I just cant get it together to do that right now. But I will. thank you.
tomorrow i have to lead a meeting with my 14 undergraduate mentees. I cant do it. I cant do it.
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 20, 2006, at 10:05:08
In reply to hard day... anne, partial (long), posted by wishingstar on September 18, 2006, at 15:56:29
Randy sounds like a good person.
I hope things get better for you today. Hope that the Lexapro won't make you feel so icky.
best to you-- hang in there.
don't have many words today, but a lot of warm fuzzy feelings towards you, wishingstar~~~~warm fuzzies~~~~
-Li
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 21, 2006, at 21:42:55
In reply to Re: hard day... anne, partial (long), posted by wishingstar on September 19, 2006, at 21:15:44
How's it going? I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you (as I am sure other Babblers are, too) and wondering how you're doing.
You see Laurie tomorrow, right? I'll send extra good thoughts your way. Check in when you can.
Posted by ElaineM on September 21, 2006, at 23:22:32
In reply to How are you, WishingStar?????, posted by TherapyGirl on September 21, 2006, at 21:42:55
This is the end of the thread.
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