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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on November 17, 2006, at 12:20:39
I'm sorry, I taking, but not giving much, but I need info.
I am a little lost.
So I go to T.
T is trying to connect w/my inside kid thats hurt.
But the first while of appt., I just got to (furtively) look at her, and hear her voice etc, B4 I can sorta relax some.
Then we start to work on what I written in faxes. And sometimes that winds me up. Then last coupla times T been trying to talk to the kid, cuz the kid likes her, but for some reason I don't thibnk kids supposed to talk. I thot it was cuz it was too weird for me, but its something else too. I dunno what.
So then I all stirred up and its time to go. T trys to talk me down, but really, how can she?
So then I all seriously f*cked up.
And I phone her one eve to ask if I said anything weird at last session cuz I don't remember, and I real worried bout that. She said no. And then I don't remember what else was said, cuz it was cell phone and connection was bad.
So then I try again. Today, to see if I could meet her for walk, cuz sometimes she not work on Fri, she said this herself. But she phone back, she working all day 8-4 today.(at diff. job where she proly actually makes real $$$) I thot if we walk but NOT talk, I could reconnect b4 weekend, and mebbe that would be good. Cuz next appt. not till Tues again.
I feel like a giant pest, pain in the *ss, I can't keep harassing T.
I dunno if I can keep doing this. I don't understand why we doing this. I do but I don't. Kid gets to thinking someone cares, but then person is gone. Then I supposed to care for her, but I stuff her away and ignore her.
Damn, I don't know what to do.
I hiding away. I wanto dissappear.
I still want to hurt self at times.
My GP away so I can't get drugs. Doubt I can get them at clinic.(was thinking vallium to numb out?)
Sh*t.
I am such a f*cking moron. Why can't I just be regular. Less all over.
Having no memeories may be a blessing, but its also a HUGE CURSE. I was never a child. Its so strange. I visited my parents, and I thot to myself, I am their child.....but how can I be their child, cuz I was never a child....
I feel pretty bad. And my T drops off the face of the earth for the weekend.
WTF.
Mebbe I'll try and get drugs somewhere.
Sorry I such a sad sack.
Muffled
Posted by canadagirl on November 17, 2006, at 12:42:39
In reply to I dunno what to do., posted by muffled on November 17, 2006, at 12:20:39
>>>Having no memeories may be a blessing, but its also a HUGE CURSE. I was never a child. Its so strange.<<
"The angst that surfaces from below is experienced as overwhelming precisely because it dates from the time of one's great childhood vulnerability. Because that energy is never lost but resides in the unconscious it can spring forth with paralyzing power....being blocked by guilt is still to be stuck in childhood. When we become conscious of the origin of that queasy feeling,such stuckness is no longer unconscious and no longer acceptable." - James Hollis
All of this work you are doing is real progress. You need support. That's what yourT is there for. It's hard not to feel guilty for asking for it.But you deserve it. There is light at the other end.
I love James Hollis "Swamplands of the Soul" (am I quoting this right) it's a great book. Do you like reading stuff like this Muffled?
Posted by muffled on November 17, 2006, at 12:56:16
In reply to Re: I dunno what to do. » muffled, posted by canadagirl on November 17, 2006, at 12:42:39
> >>>Having no memeories may be a blessing, but its also a HUGE CURSE. I was never a child. Its so strange.<<
>
> "The angst that surfaces from below is experienced as overwhelming precisely because it dates from the time of one's great childhood vulnerability. Because that energy is never lost but resides in the unconscious it can spring forth with paralyzing power....being blocked by guilt is still to be stuck in childhood. When we become conscious of the origin of that queasy feeling,such stuckness is no longer unconscious and no longer acceptable." - James Hollis
>
> All of this work you are doing is real progress. You need support. That's what yourT is there for. It's hard not to feel guilty for asking for it.But you deserve it. There is light at the other end.
>
> I love James Hollis "Swamplands of the Soul" (am I quoting this right) it's a great book. Do you like reading stuff like this Muffled?**Thanks Canada girl I am Canadian too.
Is this work progress?
I wonder.....
That writing is cool. I don't read stuff like that much cuz I get real frustrated trying to understand it correctly. But its nice to think mebbe I not alone in my confusion.
Little pieces of writing are good, but not entire books. Thanks for writing that down for me.
I want to phone T again to ask that she leave a message for me to listen to. But what? And I can't help but feel I am harassing her. And I not even sure but that mebbe she is fed up with me.......so mebbe I shouldn't call? I just dunno?
Its very hard to keep up my facade of normalcy, when I feel like I gonna fall apart :-(
Thanks CG for your reply.
I feel quite desparate.
I'm sorry if I being ridiculous. I am trying to be honest of the way I feel. Which is something I never do IRL.
Muffled
Posted by TherapyGirl on November 17, 2006, at 13:05:47
In reply to I dunno what to do., posted by muffled on November 17, 2006, at 12:20:39
I don't know what to tell you, Muffly. I think you are on the verge of something important. I know it's hard, especially without the chance to reconnect with your T before the weekend, but I also believe you are strong enough to get through this AND take care of your inside kids.
I think you should call and ask T to leave a message for you. Do whatever you have to do to hang on until Tuesday, okay?
((((((((((((Muffled)))))))))))))
Posted by muffled on November 17, 2006, at 13:13:10
In reply to Re: I dunno what to do. » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on November 17, 2006, at 13:05:47
> I don't know what to tell you, Muffly. I think you are on the verge of something important. I know it's hard, especially without the chance to reconnect with your T before the weekend, but I also believe you are strong enough to get through this AND take care of your inside kids.
**I hope I am. One way or another. Strong enough...
I dunno if I on the verge or if I just torturing myself :-(
>
> I think you should call and ask T to leave a message for you. Do whatever you have to do to hang on until Tuesday, okay?**Yeah, mebbe if nothing else I will ask point blank if she tired of me :-(
>
> ((((((((((((Muffled)))))))))))))**Thanks for reply and hugs TG. Its nice how Babble makes me feel less alone. Thank you.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on November 17, 2006, at 13:46:25
In reply to Re: I dunno what to do. » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on November 17, 2006, at 13:05:47
I called my T phone and hung up on the message machine cuz I got scared.
I even wrote what i gonna say.
1. Are you sick of me?
2. Is it OK d'ya think, for me to camp in forest tonite?Mebbe I'll try again. I kinda wish she'd answer cuz i want an honest answer and not something she's had time to make up in her head thats some nice b*llshit or something. But mebbe I can say that too.....
I still haven't tracked down drugs, goto do that.
Posted by Poet on November 17, 2006, at 17:53:13
In reply to Re: I dunno what to do., posted by muffled on November 17, 2006, at 13:46:25
Hi Muffled,
I stopped working on my inner children. My T tried real hard to get me to talk to them, nurture them, etc. Pretend little me was sitting in the empty chair in her office, what would I say to her. Nothing, I hate her. Yes, I know, bad Poet for hating any or all parts of herself.
If you think that working on the kids is overwhelming right now, maybe let your T know that you need to back off on it. I don't know if your T will agree to watch them, so to speak, like mine did, but it can't hurt to ask. My T says once and awhile she hears them in what I am saying so I guess she is a decent inner child sitter. Or she's just plain nuts.
If I were you I'd call my T and leaver her the message this weekend. I always apologize to my T when I leave her messages, saying I'm a total pest, I think T's expect it.
Keep warm in the forest and bring a big flashlight with you.
Poet
Posted by kerria on November 17, 2006, at 19:29:12
In reply to I dunno what to do., posted by muffled on November 17, 2006, at 12:20:39
(((((Muffled))))))safe hugs to all inside and you if it's ok.
i'm sorry that it's so hard with inside kids- i understand it feels so strange to let them come - especially if you can't remember what they do and talk about.
i can't remember mostly when my littles talk too.
sometimes a little= but never good things. It's like a bad dream and my little kid cries a lot because she doesn't know me or thing=k that anyone will take care of her.There may be some inside that do take of your little and littles. Sometimes it's so hard- it feels to mine that no one will take care of her and there she is- and T is just a stranger and we're in a strange place withoutanyone,completly alone and so afraid.
i think Ts can understand- and help comfort and apprcieate how vunerable that part of us is.
Our kid parts are very hard to be. i'm sorry that it's so hard .
Take care,
kerria
Posted by muffled on November 17, 2006, at 20:00:42
In reply to Re: I dunno what to do. » muffled, posted by kerria on November 17, 2006, at 19:29:12
I phoned t, she phoned back on her lunch. Unfortunately I was rather agitated, but I heard some of what she said. So I went and got xanax and I just gonna pork them back at will an zonk. Never done that, dunno what xanax is like in large doses. Mebbe will just make me sleep. Wonder what happens when you add benedryl, or seroquel? Got those too. Just wanto zonk. My T said she would phone me on Sat, on her day when she don't exist?! Weird. She's forgotten b4 so I so not gonna hold my breath on that one.
She made sure my irl kids were safe. I like that. I always make sure they safe, but I like to think I got back up. Then she say are you a danger to your self? I said not really. Not right now. Not gonna off myself. Mebbe damage, but not puposely off. Sometimes risky, but not too bad. Mebbe take lotsa xanax and just pass out. I think thats best bet. Just stay home and be safe and mega stoned and sleep.
Thanks for being there for me.
I feel like such a fool.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on November 17, 2006, at 20:07:37
In reply to Re: I dunno what to do. » muffled, posted by Poet on November 17, 2006, at 17:53:13
I already apologised and asked if she were sick of me. she said absolutely not? Hmmmmm. Not yet. Mebbe I not done yet....
I usu get Damos to watch my kids, he's very good wiuth them.
But the kid that likes T, mebbe she could go with T for the weekend? That'd be interesting. Dunno if it would work. Dunno? I think Damos knows what to do, but I dunno if T does? LOL, mebbe I need to ask Damos to talk to my t and explain bout how to take care of inside kids!!!!
I kinda tripping a wee bit. It feels good. I usu only take .25 for anxiety, but i got .5 tabs (HA!) and I took 2. I going to take more, and benedryl too. Hell mebbe I'll go on chat and people can laugh at me!
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by muffled on November 17, 2006, at 20:54:12
In reply to Re: I dunno what to do. » muffled, posted by kerria on November 17, 2006, at 19:29:12
Posted by Phillipa on November 17, 2006, at 21:39:57
In reply to yeah Poet, posted by muffled on November 17, 2006, at 20:07:37
Muffled be careful and don't take too many meds. You don't want to end up in the ER with a tube in your stomach do you? Love Phillipa
Posted by muffled on November 18, 2006, at 10:23:59
In reply to Re: yeah Poet » muffled, posted by Phillipa on November 17, 2006, at 21:39:57
No tube down throat Phillipa. Just way wacked. Lucky I didn't goto town. I just went to bed and slept 12hrs right thru. I'd still be sleeping but my kids woke me up.
My hand is comming along reallly good. My T might phone today. I still got xanax. I don't know whats going on. Just, I don't know, just goto get thru the days and hope stuff improves. Sucks.
Thanks everyone for being nice to me.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on November 18, 2006, at 20:51:55
In reply to Thx Guys, posted by muffled on November 18, 2006, at 10:23:59
She said Hi, this is T, i said I'd phone so I phoning, so I said Oh. She said So I phoned like I said, bye...
................and that was it?
Why did she phone? To see if I was at home still? Or at hosp? I don't understand? It was 25 second call. guess just she just wanted to see if I was home and not taken off. She didn't even do the are you a danger to others or yourself spiel. mebbe she got lots going on at home. Mebbe she tired of me and just felt the need to do the obligatory call since she said she'd do it, and she'd forgotten b4, so mebbe she was in a hurry and just wanted to get it over with. She definatlety seemed utterly unintersted. I think I should say to her, never call, cuz it just don't come across right.She does ok leaving messages oftentimes.But a call like that just makes a body feel like a pain in the *ss obligation.
Posted by Dinah on November 18, 2006, at 21:44:35
In reply to yeah T phoned, posted by muffled on November 18, 2006, at 20:51:55
She was just calling to check in and see if you needed her, I'd guess. If you had burst into tears and started talking to her, she likely would have responded.
My therapist never sounds right on the phone either, and I usually don't bother unless I'm asking for an extra appointment.
But I don't think he or your therapist means anything unkind or uninterested. It's just the way they are.
If I were you, I'd just take it as her reaching out to let you know that even on the day she disappears she still remembers you and wanted to see if you needed her.
It's the thought that counts. (Or so I try to tell myself when my therapist puts me in hysterics on the phone or in email.)
Posted by muffled on November 19, 2006, at 2:40:18
In reply to Re: yeah T phoned » muffled, posted by Dinah on November 18, 2006, at 21:44:35
> She was just calling to check in and see if you needed her, I'd guess. If you had burst into tears and started talking to her, she likely would have responded.
**But I never burst int tears never ever. I never got to say boo.
>
> My therapist never sounds right on the phone either, and I usually don't bother unless I'm asking for an extra appointment.**My T can be good on phone.
>
> But I don't think he or your therapist means anything unkind or uninterested. It's just the way they are.**But I talked to her yesterday and for me, I was quite beside myself, which I am so normally NOT. I wasn't listening well and was argumentative cuz i felt desparate, I was scared. I didn't know what to do, but what she suggested, much of that I had already tried. Then she wanted me to connect with those that care for me, but I have NEVER done that before. It is against some unwritten rules I have. She said she would phone them, but I said NO!, because I can't be weak. She said I could give her number to them, I can consider that. But at the time I was so freaked out. I never been that freaked before, and of course she has to ask if I a danger to myself or others and I said I would never hurt others, but I wouldn't off myself, but I might hurt myself. And I was being such an idiot. After 15 mins I said I had to go cuz I felt I was going in circles, and I said you don't know what to do either, and she said she she did, but I was resistant to everything cuz everything was freaking me.So then she say she'll pone me tormorrow, whicj is nice as thats her no call day.
>
> If I were you, I'd just take it as her reaching out to let you know that even on the day she disappears she still remembers you and wanted to see if you needed her.***I think it was nice for her to call on her no call day, so i know she exists. But it was such a cold call. No caring. Just seemed like she had to get it over asap so's ahe could say she done it.
>
> It's the thought that counts. (Or so I try to tell myself when my therapist puts me in hysterics on the phone or in email.)***So I guess I awful dissapointed cuz i did plan on a coupla things I wanted to say briefly.
**So, its nice she called, but irt wasa cold, cold call :-(**I been wondering too, if I have anger at T, for getting The i kid all intersted, but kinda bailed on her. I dunno, little kids expect alot,
Muffled
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