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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on December 8, 2006, at 13:34:27
It's been a while since I've posted, then I jumped in on the gift giving thread (thinking it would be a nice neutral topic to ease my way back in), but I don't think I can do this anymore.
I become PAINFULLY sad after seeing my therapist; it kills me! (This is nothing new, but it's not getting better either.) It's hard to talk to her about the feelings; especially the intensity. Then there is this wonderful forum of people who can relate; and I remember lurking for years before I began posting a few years ago, but it just hurts me to talk about her here, to relive it, and to hear others talk about their experiences. And it's weird, but it's not just the "bad" stuff that hurts me, but the good stuff too! In fact, I left my T last week, much more sad than usual -- and what did I have to be sad about? She was kind and sweet and gentle as always, in fact, moreso! I think about her and want to cry. I write about her and want to cry. I just want to cry, but all of my tears are still hidden.
I think I will have to go into hiding again for a while. I'm hurting too much. Oh, and not to worry, nothing's wrong, she's great, I love her. Sometimes I wonder if that's that problem. Why is it so scary to like someone?
I wish you all a happy holiday season, filled with peace and love.
LGL/lgl
Posted by muffled on December 8, 2006, at 13:48:45
In reply to So sad about T... what's wrong with me?, posted by LittleGirlLost on December 8, 2006, at 13:34:27
And it's weird, but it's not just the "bad" stuff that hurts me, but the good stuff too! In fact, I left my T last week, much more sad than usual -- and what did I have to be sad about? She was kind and sweet and gentle as always, in fact, moreso! I think about her and want to cry. I write about her and want to cry. I just want to cry, but all of my tears are still hidden.
** I dunno how to cry either.
I think I not allowed to.
Or something. I dunno.
I think mebbe you mourn that which you did not receive as a child. When you are not cared for, not even having your most basic needs of feeling safe, loved, accepted etc met. It majorly f*cks with your head. All sorts of stuff gets shut down. Never even develops.
Its like I just wrote the other day, how I just cannot understand why my T treats me like a regular decent person, even when she knows stuff bout me?????
I wish I could cry.
I wonder what it feels like?
>
> I think I will have to go into hiding again for a while. I'm hurting too much. Oh, and not to worry, nothing's wrong, she's great, I love her. Sometimes I wonder if that's that problem. Why is it so scary to like someone?**Its scarey to like someone cuz them they got the power to hurt you. Trusting is hard. You may want so much from her, but afraid she will run away....
there's so many things.
Stick with it little one.
Be safe.
Have a good christmas.
>
> I wish you all a happy holiday season, filled with peace and love.**Thank you.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by All Done on December 8, 2006, at 15:35:22
In reply to So sad about T... what's wrong with me?, posted by LittleGirlLost on December 8, 2006, at 13:34:27
I know exactly what you mean, lgl. I completely understand how painful it can be to even walk out of a T's office, much less to stay away for days or more. I once told my T that the better he gets at understanding me or the better "we" get together...the better our therapeutic relationship gets...the harder it is for me. I hate to leave the person who's now meeting some of my needs - needs that have never been met before. I want more of what I never had. I want more of what I should have had.
In the beginning of therapy, I asked my T how I can grieve something I never experienced. If I've never had it, how can I miss it, you know? I guess the options are to try to grieve an idea of something, which may or may not be accurate, or my T can help me to actually experience getting some of my needs met. But it hurts so much to think of what I missed. And it hurts to know I can't have that from him all of the time. I find it to be a very lonely experience sometimes.
Anyway, I'm rambling.
I'm sorry you feel like you need a Babble break but I understand how it can be hard to be here. I hope you don't stay away too long, though.
Take care,
Laurie
Posted by sunnydays on December 8, 2006, at 18:28:01
In reply to So sad about T... what's wrong with me?, posted by LittleGirlLost on December 8, 2006, at 13:34:27
> I become PAINFULLY sad after seeing my therapist; it kills me! (This is nothing new, but it's not getting better either.) It's hard to talk to her about the feelings; especially the intensity.
***** I can relate, LGL. I know how hard it can be to talk about.
Then there is this wonderful forum of people who can relate; and I remember lurking for years before I began posting a few years ago, but it just hurts me to talk about her here, to relive it, and to hear others talk about their experiences.
**** It was really hard for me to start posting too. I probably lurked for a year and a half. And it can be hard to hear other people talk about their therapy.
And it's weird, but it's not just the "bad" stuff that hurts me, but the good stuff too! In fact, I left my T last week, much more sad than usual -- and what did I have to be sad about? She was kind and sweet and gentle as always, in fact, moreso! I think about her and want to cry. I write about her and want to cry. I just want to cry, but all of my tears are still hidden.
**** I feel this a lot too when I leave therapy. My T tells me I am grieving what I never had. It's hard to get something we want and need but only in little doses. I hear it gets better, though, and it can be so nice to feel someone's caring too. Try to keep at it if you can.
>
> I think I will have to go into hiding again for a while. I'm hurting too much. Oh, and not to worry, nothing's wrong, she's great, I love her. Sometimes I wonder if that's that problem. Why is it so scary to like someone?
>
> I wish you all a happy holiday season, filled with peace and love.
>
> LGL/lglPlease don't go into hiding LittleGirl. But if you need to, try to take care of yourself. You deserve so much. Try to let yourself have it as much as possible. Keep letting us know how you're doing. I'm certainly interested. You don't even have to read anyone else's posts, you can just post.
(((((LGL/lgl)))))))
sunnydays
Posted by madeline on December 8, 2006, at 19:52:28
In reply to So sad about T... what's wrong with me?, posted by LittleGirlLost on December 8, 2006, at 13:34:27
Every instinct you have may be telling you to go back into hiding, but you should fight that instinct.
The more you allow yourself to be exposed to kindness the more accepting you will become of it.
It will become less and less "something that you never had" and more of something that you like.
But you need to stay open to people and let them help you.
Now I'm not saying everything and everybody is wonderful, but there is kindess in this world, there is compassion and love.
It will take courage to free yourself from sadness but it can be done.
Please keep posting and/or reaching out.
Maddie
Posted by Daisym on December 9, 2006, at 1:00:28
In reply to Re: So sad about T... what's wrong with me? » LittleGirlLost, posted by madeline on December 8, 2006, at 19:52:28
One of the things I know about Babble is that it is acceptable to openly ache for our therapist's caring here. But openly aching is scary and the pain is so much worse when unencumbered by distraction. So I can relate to why reading good things would make that ache bigger. They remind us of who we are missing.
It goes along with wanting to share happy, special things with someone we care about and who cares about us. Loneliness is so loaded with sadness.
I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Come back when you can.
love and hugs, daisy
Posted by Happyflower on December 10, 2006, at 6:51:37
In reply to Re: So sad about T... what's wrong with me?, posted by Daisym on December 9, 2006, at 1:00:28
Wow, Little Girl, your post just resonates with me do deeply and it is how I feel too. I don't have a lot to add because you have some amazing responses so far, incredible responses, that I am kinda speechless.
But I just wanted to say something to you, because I feel it.
Take care of yourself, and I agree with Daisy, try not to go into hiding, it is okay to feel cared about.
This is the end of the thread.
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