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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 22 to 46 of 50. Go back in thread:
Posted by OzLand on July 23, 2007, at 22:47:53
In reply to Re: Meds and how you feel, posted by Honore on July 23, 2007, at 10:51:32
Is it possible that the amount of med's, the increase is contributing to you feeling worse? That has happened to me before; too much sedation, and I started down the haze road as you call it, and soon I was not sure what was reality and what was not. I felt much better on less sedating meds. Is this a possibility?? Would it hurt to get a second opinion??
Posted by muffled on July 24, 2007, at 14:29:42
In reply to Re: Meds and how you feel, posted by OzLand on July 23, 2007, at 22:47:53
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 24, 2007, at 14:47:45
In reply to Re: Meds and how you feel, posted by OzLand on July 23, 2007, at 22:47:53
> Is it possible that the amount of med's, the increase is contributing to you feeling worse? That has happened to me before; too much sedation, and I started down the haze road as you call it, and soon I was not sure what was reality and what was not. I felt much better on less sedating meds. Is this a possibility?? Would it hurt to get a second opinion??
I don't think I can afford to get a 2nd opinion. my insurance is all screwed up and I haven't paid my T since february. :(
I'm gonna give myself a week and then see if I feel better. if not, I'm gonna give pdoc a call and be a little pushy. I have a pushy side. believe it or not.
in the meanwhile. coffee. lots of it.
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 24, 2007, at 14:56:42
In reply to LLurpy, how ya doin today? (nm), posted by muffled on July 24, 2007, at 14:29:42
Hi muff, thank you for checking up on me ((((muffled)))
1) I took all my meds as prescribed. Even the klonopin. Which I am noncompliant
2) I drank a big cup of coffee.
3) I called the movers to file a claim for scratches and dents
4) I walked to the pond. past the stinking pondweed section. sat on the granite boulder. just for a minute. held hands with H
6) Went to our favorite lunch restaurant. I had grilled shrimp and salad. diet coke.
5) Went shopping at grocery store. decided I needed a treat. sent H ahead, and I bought 5 white carnations, a calla lily and 4 siberian iris at the florist. I came home and arranged them while H put away groceries.That's what I've been doing
Here's what I've been feeling
1) blah. blah. do I really have to get up. guilty. have to get up. heavy heavy head and limbs. must. get out of bed
2) maybe today won't be so bad
3) uh oh. people's worried about me in babbleland. how do I manage to keep them concerned at arm's length distance?
4) optimism- today won't be so bad after all. is that "Energy" I feel?
5) slump. utter complete slump and haze returning.
6) maybe I can go out of town this weekend. maybe I'll feel well enough by then to make it to the anniversary of G&G. Gmom called and told me that whatever I decide is okay, and that even if I come at the last minute someone can pick me up at the airport. I only need to be awake for a little while. It's not like my graduation and the wedding when I had to pretend to be bubbly and happy. Here I can be pensive and not raise too many eyebrows. Keep to myself.change of scene might be good. lemme price the airplane tix.
-Ll
Posted by Phillipa on July 24, 2007, at 21:05:41
In reply to Re: LLurpy, how ya doin today? » muffled, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 24, 2007, at 14:56:42
Li that's a lot doesn't seem like it to you. But it's tremendous progress I think your adjusting to your enviornment and thinking ahead to the weekend and traveling. Lurps you sure travel a lot. Maybe you should be an airline stewardess. Just kidding. Love Phillipa
Posted by muffled on July 24, 2007, at 22:59:02
In reply to Re: LLurpy, how ya doin today? » muffled, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 24, 2007, at 14:56:42
> Hi muff, thank you for checking up on me ((((muffled)))
**(((LL)))
> 1) I took all my meds as prescribed. Even the klonopin. Which I am noncompliant
> 2) I drank a big cup of coffee.
> 3) I called the movers to file a claim for scratches and dents
> 4) I walked to the pond. past the stinking pondweed section. sat on the granite boulder. just for a minute. held hands with H
> 6) Went to our favorite lunch restaurant. I had grilled shrimp and salad. diet coke.
> 5) Went shopping at grocery store. decided I needed a treat. sent H ahead, and I bought 5 white carnations, a calla lily and 4 siberian iris at the florist. I came home and arranged them while H put away groceries.
>
> That's what I've been doing
>
> Here's what I've been feeling
>
> 1) blah. blah. do I really have to get up. guilty. have to get up. heavy heavy head and limbs. must. get out of bed
> 2) maybe today won't be so bad
> 3) uh oh. people's worried about me in babbleland. how do I manage to keep them concerned at arm's length distance?
> 4) optimism- today won't be so bad after all. is that "Energy" I feel?
> 5) slump. utter complete slump and haze returning.
> 6) maybe I can go out of town this weekend. maybe I'll feel well enough by then to make it to the anniversary of G&G. Gmom called and told me that whatever I decide is okay, and that even if I come at the last minute someone can pick me up at the airport. I only need to be awake for a little while. It's not like my graduation and the wedding when I had to pretend to be bubbly and happy. Here I can be pensive and not raise too many eyebrows. Keep to myself.
>
> change of scene might be good. lemme price the airplane tix.**Now thats a seriously cool post. The content was a good update thank you, but the WAY its written is SO cool. The first part is like the outside stuff, and how we SEEM ok, but the second part was the reality of it...the transition, eberything...well written. You musta just slugged back a coke!
Anyhow, you are getting some stuff done and thats great. Give yourself some credit.
You gonna come out of this eventually.
Be patient.
Take good care,
Muffled
Posted by OzLand on July 24, 2007, at 23:34:03
In reply to Re: Meds and how you feel » OzLand, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 24, 2007, at 14:47:45
I'm wondering if you can contact your old pdoc, or would this person not want to say anything given you are with someone else? If you described the amount of all your med's, I wonder if he or she would say anything. Perhaps not as it could be perceived as you playing one doctor against the other. Oh well; a thought, but if you are drinking lots of coffee, then it obvioulsy is too much, and you are doing things to negate the effectiveness of the medication. That only seems like it is too much. That's my thought anyway. Maybe I am not so compliant, but I know what I would be doing.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 25, 2007, at 7:57:33
In reply to Re: Meds and how you feel » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by OzLand on July 24, 2007, at 23:34:03
> I'm wondering if you can contact your old pdoc, or would this person not want to say anything given you are with someone else? If you described the amount of all your med's, I wonder if he or she would say anything. Perhaps not as it could be perceived as you playing one doctor against the other. Oh well; a thought, but if you are drinking lots of coffee, then it obvioulsy is too much, and you are doing things to negate the effectiveness of the medication. That only seems like it is too much. That's my thought anyway. Maybe I am not so compliant, but I know what I would be doing.
*****there are some serious self-injury suicide triggers below*****beware all ye who enter here****
Old pdoc told me to send him an email every now and then, just to check in and make sure that my life is ticking along. I doubt this is the kind of consultation he had in mind. I have boundaries in my head. high walls, see?I have a little plan. I will ask pdoc if I can either 1) decrease geodon (NOT likely) 2) increase provigil (reasoning: I'm already taking in about 500mg of caffeine a day and still in quasi-zombie state) 3) decrease geodon while increasing klonopin (concern being that simply increasing klonopin would make me comatose. I actually DO have some things to do, related to writing some manuscript for publication and ongoing experiments, believe it or not.)
And my compliance comes from my (often blind) faith that pdockery will make me better. It has so often in the past. I don't want to burn that bridge of optimism. I schluck my pills everymorning with the glimmer of hope... today will be better. today will be better.
And it's not. I just lay in bed for an hour with active plots in my head and sudden realization of a sharp instrument overlooked. And THAT was reassuring. Yesterday was the first day that I actually self-injured with the intention of drawing serious amounts of blood. went near my big elbow vein. I got a giant vein there. but my instrument was too dull. But I don't want to go to the hospital. I can't bring myself to call T or pdoc. I just want to bleed and then slap a bandaid on it and call it a day of accomplishment. Sick.
And the only thing keeping me through the day is the intellectual and social stimulation of pbabble. and perhaps a walk to the pond later on. No appetite. I bet I flunk the CES-D in the 50's again. that might kill some time. Why not try THAT.
oh well. (eyeore shrug)
0Ll
Posted by muffled on July 25, 2007, at 9:07:58
In reply to triggers galore » OzLand, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 25, 2007, at 7:57:33
> *****there are some serious self-injury suicide triggers below*****beware all ye who enter here****
>
>
> Old pdoc told me to send him an email every now and then, just to check in and make sure that my life is ticking along. I doubt this is the kind of consultation he had in mind. I have boundaries in my head. high walls, see?**I understand the walls :-(
I also understand that old p-doc likely DOES care about your progress. He worked hard with you and no doubt would like to see you succeed.
He may also just have a scientific interest as well.
Maybe more so than some emotional plea thing, you would allow yourself to send him a true update just on scientific principles? so that he might learn more about the effects of eg. geodon, and also apply that knowledge to others...?
> I have a little plan. I will ask pdoc if I can either 1) decrease geodon (NOT likely) 2) increase provigil (reasoning: I'm already taking in about 500mg of caffeine a day and still in quasi-zombie state) 3) decrease geodon while increasing klonopin (concern being that simply increasing klonopin would make me comatose. I actually DO have some things to do, related to writing some manuscript for publication and ongoing experiments, believe it or not.)**Ummmm, mebbe this isn't the thing to do, but maybe you can somehow SLOWLY tweak them yoursef? or is it capsules and hard to split? I actually find it a bit odd that a doc would not listen to what you have to say about your meds. You are knowledgeable now by direct experience...
> And my compliance comes from my (often blind) faith that pdockery will make me better. It has so often in the past. I don't want to burn that bridge of optimism. I schluck my pills everymorning with the glimmer of hope... today will be better. today will be better.
**keep those eyes open LL. Seems these psychtropic meds take time to have effect, BUT, also its like crazymaking finding the right drug for the right person, and I think p-docs need to listen carefully to what their clients have to say...
And IMHO today may not be better. But you may have a nice moment or two. Tomorrow may be horrible, but the next day may have some good points...and so on. For me, life is rather up and down....
Hope you can scramble outta the pit some soon.> And it's not. I just lay in bed for an hour with active plots in my head and sudden realization of a sharp instrument overlooked. And THAT was reassuring. Yesterday was the first day that I actually self-injured with the intention of drawing serious amounts of blood. went near my big elbow vein. I got a giant vein there. but my instrument was too dull. But I don't want to go to the hospital. I can't bring myself to call T or pdoc. I just want to bleed and then slap a bandaid on it and call it a day of accomplishment. Sick.
**well, the SI is a physical show of mental sh*t going on...
and...well...please be careful, if you DO cut a vein, its astonishing how the blood will flow...a steristrip is NOT enuf, it DOES need a stitches (internal) and external stitches to shut the wound.Vein walls are rubbery and tough, and a clean cut does not clot well :-( PLEASE be safe. You know I am a veteran SI'er so please heed me on this.
Can you say to yourself that if you feel bad enuf to go after veins, that then you are bad off enuf that you need to call SOMEone and let them know whats going on?
And if your sick, then we sick together. I don't think its so much sick as sad, cuz its a sign of pain, and I wish you weren't feeling that way :-(
(OMG I just re read this and I sound JUST like my T...weird, I NEVER understood B4 what she was meaning, whoah, I feel a little dizzy...)> And the only thing keeping me through the day is the intellectual and social stimulation of pbabble. and perhaps a walk to the pond later on. No appetite. I bet I flunk the CES-D in the 50's again. that might kill some time. Why not try THAT.
**I hate those stupid depression tests. I have never been NOT depressed according to the beck depression inventory. I think if a person was to score not depressed they'd have to be nuts!(pardon my pun...)
Just keep on trucking LL.
You will come out of this.
You a special one LL. Doubt you'll hear that, but i gotta try.
And don't worry, I'm not freaked out. I just care bout you is all. Another thing my T has taught me is about comming alongside a person, and not getting swallowed up in their pain.
(((LL)))
Muffled
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 25, 2007, at 9:29:48
In reply to Re: triggers galore » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on July 25, 2007, at 9:07:58
aww crap.
I'll avoid the veins then. take some aspirin so that the superficial sh*t will bleed more.
seemed like the big vein was awfully resistant to all my prods and scrapes anyways. not worth the effort.
I don't wanna go to the hospital. that means injections and questions and never had stitches in my life. that would be scary.
_|l (see? that's a backwards Ll)
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 25, 2007, at 9:45:30
In reply to Give yourself credit alert! » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on July 24, 2007, at 22:59:02
1.I lay in bed for an hour thinking very dark thoughts. intense apathy, but eventually the bladder won.
2.keep the meds near the toilet. figured I should take them. then went back to bedroom and changed to comfy pants and tshirt and am wearing polar fleece, who cares that it's sunny? I like polar fleece. like a hug
3.I drank a smoothie I made last night. Too apathetic to eat dinner last night. Too apathetic to eat bkfast this am. but at least I had some food in my belly to absorb the geodon
4. I made coffee. Venti sized. probably about 18 oz worth
5. I cleared the dining table. applied a coat of stain and a coat of furniture polish. The movers scratched up the finish. now it's lustrous.
6. I put cheery placemats on the dining table
7. I cleared a section of the "bar" my husband and I don't really drink so much, but our bar parephenelia is awfully pretty not to display. reminds us of parties. chrome ice bucket and shaker set and a collection of corks. maybe cats will like them?
8. did technical e-mail to colleague concerning my experiment on topology. Had to solve some math problems. Not so good at arithmetic, but at least excel does some arithmetic for me. Some reassurance that colleague caught my errors the first time we corresponded. Hope she catches any additional errors, although I did proofread.
How I feel
a) very very dark. clouds gathering. thoughts and plans and plots to satisfy these dark thoughts
b) glee! I know where to find the think to accomplish my dark thoughts. If I don't feel better by Friday, (after T) I get comfort. hope.
c) mental image of T. do I want to disappoint him?
d) hope that my babble messages don't sound too "out of it" or trivial. Out to la-la land. Worried. self-conscious.
e) blank. shroud has been pulled over head. but at least I have energy. know what needs to be done in the household. finally seeing some empty floors after 4 weeks of boxes piled up to the ceiling.
f) anger at myself. I have succeeded in causing worry amongst people I hold dear (you babblers) shame.
g) shock. while searching the www to find my T's email address (unsuccessful. was hoping I could maybe email him instead of call him or wait til friday) I discovered his age. 66. WTF?!? He looks about 50ish. Athletic. not so wrinkly. huh? Must lead a blessed life. Well, at least he's not a newbie and has seen this kind of crap (my kind of crap before)
h) satisfaction. I read my notes from last night's babblechat and perhaps I wasn't as loopy as imagined because my notes and Honore's notes were concordent. I wrote a couple threads that will help me get my empirical mind involved, even as my emotional brain dissolves into chaos and descends into a chasm. maybe empiricism will pull me out of this one. it has in the past?-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 25, 2007, at 17:52:12
In reply to update on Llurpsie 10:30 am, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 25, 2007, at 9:45:30
feel so cold and sick.
Posted by ClearSkies on July 25, 2007, at 17:57:09
In reply to will you write to me?, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 25, 2007, at 17:52:12
> feel so cold and sick.
Oh, dear. I wish I could send you some Florida sunshine. And humidity, if that's OK. And some of the construction racket going on outside the house.
Sorry you're feeling so poorly, Llurps. Do you have any more boxes you could unpack? I used to limit myself to 4 a day, or to just doing one room at a time, until I told myself I would stop. But that would warm you up some.
CS
Posted by jammerlich on July 25, 2007, at 19:42:44
In reply to will you write to me?, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 25, 2007, at 17:52:12
Ms. Noodle, I'm sorry things are so bad right now. They really do seem awful. So many changes at one time are difficult to manage. Anyone would struggle, I think. I'm really glad that you're writing and letting us know a little bit of what you need.
What else did you do today besides stain the table? It seemed like you'd already done a lot and it was early when you wrote that post. Have you been volunteering lately?
I'm thinking about finding a place to volunteer a couple of afternoons each week. Don't really WANT to; but, I know it would make my T happy. So, we'll see.
I did some painting today at the house. A mad dash to paint baseboards and crown moulding in areas where I know I'll be placing furniture. That way, it won't have to be moved later. It has the place looking a bit like a patchwork quilt, though. Maybe you can come to Montana sometime and chat with me while I finish painting. I definitely need motivation to keep moving!
You have my number, Llurpsie. Feel free to use it, anytime day or night. I don't seem to sleep all that much, so chances are you won't wake me!
Posted by Phillipa on July 25, 2007, at 19:44:58
In reply to Re: will you write to me? » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by ClearSkies on July 25, 2007, at 17:57:09
Li does hubby know about the thoughts? You need to let him know. Would he be willing to stay close by you til appointment Friday. Love Phillipa
Posted by muffled on July 25, 2007, at 21:12:09
In reply to will you write to me?, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 25, 2007, at 17:52:12
I will write.
I have had a busy day off and on.
Got up, fed kids. Son was sick yesterday but felt better today.
So I went and picked 4 flats of raspberries with my Dotter. There's TONS of mold unfortunately cuz we had a week of rain at the WORST time :-( so slow picking.
Drove hubby out to garage to p/u truck who's a/c got fixed.
Home and nap.
Took kids out for lunch.
Back, then me and kids and uncle went and planted cabbage plants.
Now we home and eating beans and toast.
We adults are tired and grumpy.
Proly won't go tomorrow, mebbe Fri??? Sigh.
Maybe I'll give the dog another bath, she a stinker.
I don't feel at all ready, but as you said LL we can always buy stuff along the way if we need to.
I goto return vids and Lib books too B4 we leave.
Kids both showered and laundry is churning.
Goto shower myself and do dishes.
My nosy son is bugging me as I type this and now he is spazzing cuz he's READING this HA! Ya ya on you boy!!!phujhjgbhjghhjihhjbn
that last line is courtesy of my smelly son.
ROFL!!!
Now I have locked myself in the bathroom for peace!
So this is my day.
Perhaps a bit dull.
Though we did see a beauty bald eagle. We saw a redtail hawk catch a mouse. Seen immature nymph stinkbug, crickets, spiders, bees, ants, caught a dragonfly, swallowtail butterfly etc etc etc, lotsa stuff around. Incl MOSQUITOES, ugh, my kids are so spotted! I seem to be immune. I apparently stink cuz they rarely bite me.
So there you have it, muffleds day.
Take special care,
muffled
Posted by Deneb on July 26, 2007, at 1:16:22
In reply to will you write to me?, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 25, 2007, at 17:52:12
(((((LlurpsieNoodle)))))
I hope you feel better soon. Please keep safe.
Deneb*
Posted by Dinah on July 26, 2007, at 10:00:45
In reply to will you write to me?, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 25, 2007, at 17:52:12
(((llurpsie)))
I hope you're doing ok today.
I think you're doing a great job with the distraction. I know your therapist (present and past) would be pleased with that. Is it possible to call your current therapist to touch base if he's helpful to you as an incentive to stay safe? I sometimes find it helpful to call mine just to hear his voice and hear him say the sort of things he says.
When I was at my worst, postpartum, I found that being alone was very very dangerous for me. I would pack the baby into his snuggli and go for walks, or go to the mall. Anywhere where there was people around. Not that I wanted to, mind you. It was the furthest thing from what I wanted to do. But it seemed to help anyway.
You've had a very big change in your life, and you aren't used to being at home all the time. I know you volunteered with the homeless, and that's great. But can you force yourself to do other things to get out of the house, and preferably around other people? If you're involved in Dr. Bob's presentation, can you work on it at the library?
Posted by OzLand on July 26, 2007, at 20:57:32
In reply to will you write to me?, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 25, 2007, at 17:52:12
I am so sorry you are going through this and wish you could just come back to Chicago. I know all to well how husband's can be. I think your husband is just scared right now. He doesn't understand. I am glad you called your therapist and pdoc; they really need to work with you more closely for the time being. I wish there was something I could do beyond words; I feel so helpless and have to wonder how much of this is the med's. Obviously I don't know. Please stay in touch with us and good wishes your way.
OzLand
Posted by OzLand on July 26, 2007, at 21:07:58
In reply to update on Llurpsie 10:30 am, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 25, 2007, at 9:45:30
Of course people are concerned; we care about you. Are you going to tell us not to?? Hum; so shame, guilt, and all the other negative sh*t; well don't wallow too long in that crap. I am not trying to be mean; I just want you to understand that it is okay to let people care; not something shameful; not something bad; not bad to let therapist and pdoc know how you are doing. They went into their line of work to help people. Of course you are not a burden and will not drive them away. And, they will not like you less.
You are saying and going through a lot of smilar stuff I went through years ago when I would cut myself (I won't say where) and smash my head and do all number of things self-damaging. And dissociate and want to just numbe myself which I did with larger and larger does of Mellaril so that soon I was sleeping day and night, and then the docs said no more becuase I started to get psychotic-like. It is like being in hell, and if for no other reason this is why you have to be honest and forthcoming with pdoc and therapist.
OzLand
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 27, 2007, at 12:03:54
In reply to Re: update on Llurpsie 10:30 am » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by OzLand on July 26, 2007, at 21:07:58
Update on Llurpsie 1pm
First, thank you all for writing me. I was SO down, and am still feeling very sluggy and lonely.
I had appt with pdoc today and hopefully that will help gimme a jumpstart to feeling better, or at least "feeling" something again.
And having your words and your kind support and counsel helped me occupy my endless days of monotony and suffering. Made me smile a little, helped me think more about my situation. perspective.
I feel bad for sucking away all the positive support. I'm a negative black hole right now support-wise. I will try harder to offer more support now. at least when I feel better.
I'll let you know how T goes this afternoon. I feel like crying in Therapy. he hasn't seen me cry yet. but I had some big tears yesterday.
-Ll
Posted by gardenergirl on July 27, 2007, at 12:12:30
In reply to Re: update on Llurpsie 1pm, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 27, 2007, at 12:03:54
Glad you had the pdoc appt. I hope the changes you are making are the right ones and that you can tell right away.
And glad you have therapy today. It sounds like you've got a lot inside to get at/out.
About crying: on the first day, my T told me this, "Anytime you walk into a room and see boxes of Kleenex around, you can assume it's okay to cry." :) Of course, last session there were none to be found. What does that mean? :) I cry A LOT, so it's harder for me to understand the meaning of crying for the first time, but I do know that it can be very healing. At the very least, toxins come out with the tears. However it goes, I wish you a healing session, and healing and joy overall.
Take care, dear.
gg
Posted by muffled on July 27, 2007, at 12:42:38
In reply to Re: update on Llurpsie 1pm, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 27, 2007, at 12:03:54
> I feel bad for sucking away all the positive support. I'm a negative black hole right now support-wise. I will try harder to offer more support now. at least when I feel better.
**Don't worry, or try not to worry bout sucking support. Its helps others to help you y'know. And others learn from your experience, so it all fine. And you have helped me lotsa times and proly will again no doubt.
> I'll let you know how T goes this afternoon. I feel like crying in Therapy. he hasn't seen me cry yet. but I had some big tears yesterday.**be thrilled to hear updates.
(((tears))))))tears((( hmmmmm, I dunno WHAT to make of tears, but I understand that it may be a good thing. A good sign somehow.
Goto run right now.
Nope, we haven't left YET!
Mebbe next wed.
(ROFL, how convenient eh? T is back Tues....)
Anyhow take care,
Muffled
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 27, 2007, at 15:52:42
In reply to Re: update on Llurpsie 1pm » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on July 27, 2007, at 12:42:38
no tears just massive dissociation. the most i ever dissociated in a session.
out to lala land.
i start new meds tonight.
exhausted.
Posted by Honore on July 27, 2007, at 16:55:34
In reply to Re: update on Llurpsie 1pm, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 27, 2007, at 15:52:42
Don't forget that your presence, no matter what your state of mind-- just your presence-- is important to me, and I think to many others here. That doesn't suck away good energy, but gives it-- even if you're in a terrible place, which is awful and seems endless (although it isn't) and which any of us would want to relieve-- your being here is always something good--
I can't explain why, but your words are a good thing, despite the despair or futility or craziness that they sometimes give expression to. It may not make sense or be reasonable to you, but presence is something that has so much value.
And of course I'm very glad your pdoc was more responsive, and that your T was able to feel for, and perhaps to some small extent, with you. That promises a lot for the future-- which will come, even if time sometimes is overwhelmingly stopped, or heavy now. And maybe the change in meds will make that difference much sooner than you expect.
Honore
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