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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on October 3, 2007, at 9:56:55
my gosh did i have a tough session yesterday.
i didn't even plan on talking about anything bad.i started talking about 'integration' and how that upset my IK (inner kid).
it was hard cuz i (B2) was trying to explain something and IK kept trying to come out, it was like that carnival game where you have to hit the weasel with a hammer, she kept popping in a out! i laugh now but it was hard.
Then T was being SO nice to her and talking gently...which she needs So much....but then suddenly teen came out (which she's only been there once before and not very long). she is SO angry that everytime she 'appears' i (B2) become So exhausted physically. i don't know what it is but she wipes me out. but the good part is even though she got very angry, she stayed a while and talked to T.
i also think i figured out why teen would hurt me phsycially. at one point she wanted to leave but since it's my body i didn't want to, and she said (well yelled) she wanted to leave but didn't know how (using many explicitives)....but it was good because T reminded me and told her to use music...it took a bit but it worked! she was able to leave without injuring me.
i think that's how i must have switched back before, by injuring myself.
So that part, exhausting and kinda scary, but good. also good that i think she was kinda comfortable being there...or at least saying more that 5 words.
T was very happy that she actually talked...for what that was.......Since my T has, i guess, diagnosed me with this. and encouraging me to 'come out'. i've noticed that i've done the fuzzed out dissociation almost not at all, which i think is good. i mean sometimes i couldn't even see cuz everything was dark a fuzzy/blurry. now that really doens't happen.
BUt i think...well i'm afraid that it will be harder and harder to keep them in.
cuz after session i had just left T's office and walked out into hall and then i wanted to curl up...i was fighting little one coming out, but it was too overwhelming. she wandered back down the hall and curled up near the exit (fire escape door).
i guess someone told her i was out there cuz next thing i know she's right next to me.
it seems that T mentioned braiding instead of the term 'integrating', but instead of using string she said she'd try macramé. it seems this triggered me without knowing. and i/IK started to get pictures.
i was able to come out of it after a few minutes of T talking to her....but this brings up another question....Is it possible that IK make up memories? cuz i can't say that i really remember it, but it felt SO right and Real when little one was describing it.
i mean, as ME i don't doubt it, but i don't say...OH Ya...i remember that...but as her, she remembers every little feeling and mark??
So how do i know if its for real or not?
i guess i'll bring this up with T next week...
Posted by muffled on October 3, 2007, at 11:36:14
In reply to more DD/DID stuff...session *possible trigger?, posted by B2chica on October 3, 2007, at 9:56:55
> my gosh did i have a tough session yesterday.
> i didn't even plan on talking about anything bad.
>
> i started talking about 'integration' and how that upset my IK (inner kid).**B2, you have so got my utmost admiration!
> it was hard cuz i (B2) was trying to explain something and IK kept trying to come out, it was like that carnival game where you have to hit the weasel with a hammer, she kept popping in a out! i laugh now but it was hard.
**Yeah, its SO WEIRD when that happens eh!? I mean thinking logically, how can this be? But at the time its so REAL, so obvious. I find it all so illogical.
> Then T was being SO nice to her and talking gently...which she needs So much....but then suddenly teen came out (which she's only been there once before and not very long). she is SO angry that everytime she 'appears' i (B2) become So exhausted physically. i don't know what it is but she wipes me out. but the good part is even though she got very angry, she stayed a while and talked to T.
**Ya, nice T talking is SOOOOOOO cool! Mebbe teen was jealous?or mebbe teen was worried kid would say wrong things?
> i also think i figured out why teen would hurt me phsycially. at one point she wanted to leave but since it's my body i didn't want to, and she said (well yelled) she wanted to leave but didn't know how (using many explicitives)....but it was good because T reminded me and told her to use music...it took a bit but it worked! she was able to leave without injuring me.*leave in your head, or actually leave the room? And how do you use music? Sorry for all my questions...
> i think that's how i must have switched back before, by injuring myself.
**As in SI? :-(
> So that part, exhausting and kinda scary, but good. also good that i think she was kinda comfortable being there...or at least saying more that 5 words.
> T was very happy that she actually talked...for what that was...**Yeah that is SO great methinks too. I get SO SO tired after some sessions. I just rest in my car awhile, sometimes sleep.
>
> ....Since my T has, i guess, diagnosed me with this. and encouraging me to 'come out'. i've noticed that i've done the fuzzed out dissociation almost not at all, which i think is good. i mean sometimes i couldn't even see cuz everything was dark a fuzzy/blurry. now that really doens't happen.*Yeah, I dissociate/blank out WAY less too now. Now I can't seem to blank out even when I wished I could :-( Its made certain things more difficult :-( if not impossible.
I wonder if its goto do with the inside people being more aware of each other and whats going on? Dunno?
> BUt i think...well i'm afraid that it will be harder and harder to keep them in.**sigh...that is my great worry too....I told my T I don't want to talk bout 'them' much cuz I trying to keep them down, not increase it...
> cuz after session i had just left T's office and walked out into hall and then i wanted to curl up...i was fighting little one coming out, but it was too overwhelming. she wandered back down the hall and curled up near the exit (fire escape door).
> i guess someone told her i was out there cuz next thing i know she's right next to me.**ya, I did that once, went to a room down the hall. T found me. I was curled on couch. I remember being angry, cuz my T wanted to see my hands, cuz she thot mebbe I SI :-( I hadn't, I just was way out of it. Coupla times I've just gone outside and sat on my knees and rocked and chanted and not given a crap bout who might see me :-(
> it seems that T mentioned braiding instead of the term 'integrating', but instead of using string she said she'd try macramé. it seems this triggered me without knowing. and i/IK started to get pictures.
> i was able to come out of it after a few minutes of T talking to her....but this brings up another question....:-(
>
> Is it possible that IK make up memories? cuz i can't say that i really remember it, but it felt SO right and Real when little one was describing it.
> i mean, as ME i don't doubt it, but i don't say...OH Ya...i remember that...but as her, she remembers every little feeling and mark??
> So how do i know if its for real or not?
> i guess i'll bring this up with T next week...*What my T has always told me, and I beleive this to be true, is that kids perceive things VERY VERY differently than adults. What an adult might consider silly, can be GINORMOUS to a child.
I can't think of the examples she gave me right now.
OK, ya, here's one, regarding potty training.
Hope this is not a *trigger*:But when her kid was just learning to use the potty, she was terrified to go poo. The kid literally thot that a piece of her was comming out, that she was losing a piece of herself and it scared her SO bad. Fortunately she had a supportive Mom who was kind and patient, and worked thru this fear with her. Can you imagine how different this situation might have been if the mother was angry with the poor kid? If she punished the kid? If she gave the kid no support in her utter terror but just was angry? Can you begin to imagine???? So this is an example of something that might be missed, and might be misconstrued in later life. The 'memories'(pre-verbal perhaps) will be of terror, of physical loss and destruction, of helplessness and aloneness etc. So as an adult, you then feel these feelings, and wonder WTF they mean? But you goto remember, this is comming FROM A KID and a kids perspective, and so needs to be considered in that fashion. I find it very hard to do.
So I try and take these early feelings with a large grain of salt and remember, whatever the situation might have been, the REALITY is, the kid WAS terrified, she does need comfort....
I try to care for her.....but I just can't yet :-(
Hope this is in some way useful B2C.
Thanks for sharing your stuff.
M
Posted by rskontos on October 3, 2007, at 11:48:05
In reply to Re: more DD/DID stuff...session *possible trigger?, posted by muffled on October 3, 2007, at 11:36:14
B2, you also have my deepest admiration too. I am going thru some heavy sh*t now so I can't post long but will later when I have some peace but I am reading for some understanding and boy I respect the place where you are now...........
you need a big hug (((((((((()))))))))))))) that was a tough session. I hope you can view as a productive one....rkontos
Posted by B2chica on October 4, 2007, at 8:35:43
In reply to Re: more DD/DID stuff...session *possible trigger?, posted by muffled on October 3, 2007, at 11:36:14
> Then T was being SO nice to her and talking gently...which she needs So much....but then suddenly teen came out (which she's only been there once before and not very long). she is SO angry that everytime she 'appears' i (B2) become So exhausted physically. i don't know what it is but she wipes me out. but the good part is even though she got very angry, she stayed a while and talked to T.>>**Ya, nice T talking is SOOOOOOO cool! Mebbe teen was jealous?or mebbe teen was worried kid would say wrong things?
when IK is out and T was being really nice i think teen come out cuz when people are nice they want something, and teen trusts NO ONE. so she come to protect what might happen.
>>*leave in your head, or actually leave the room? And how do you use music? Sorry for all my questions...
she wanted to leave the room physically, then she just didn't want to be present anymore.
i sometimes use music to switch back to me. if i'm little one...soothing ethereal music, if i'm teen, hard but sometimes that encourages her...but i used lithium by evenescance (sp?) and that worked. i clenched hard and just became the music...that brought me back.
this also helps with the psychosis stuff i have going on.
its like a protection sometimes.>> i think that's how i must have switched back before, by injuring myself.
>>**As in SI? :-(yes...SI, i think that's why my SI kept getting more and more severe. that i switched my reason for SI, that i started to do it more when teen was coming out (not knowing what was happening)cuz she was one giant ball of rage. when she'd cut and bad, when done, then ME would step in because i needed to 'take care of' my wounds.
as a side note, i used to cut when i was younger too.>>*What my T has always told me, and I beleive this to be true, is that kids perceive things VERY VERY differently than adults. What an adult might consider silly, can be GINORMOUS to a child.
this IS helpful muffled. but if you don't mind i'll tell.
what she remembered was my brother found some rope (or whatever you call it) that my mother used for making macreme plant hangers. and what she remembered is it being wrapped several times around her wrist (maybe both but she was only looking at my right hand) and it was wrapped several times but brother was twisting it tight and moving it fast so that it was burning. i think he was somehow holding me down because she remembers feeling pressure and that she couldn't move. so the things she remembers mostly rather than an event is the tightness on wrist, the pain of burning and pressure or not being able to move.
sorry if triggering.
Posted by muffled on October 4, 2007, at 22:37:37
In reply to Re: more DD/DID stuff...**TRIGGER** » muffled, posted by B2chica on October 4, 2007, at 8:35:43
> when IK is out and T was being really nice i think teen come out cuz when people are nice they want something, and teen trusts NO ONE. so she come to protect what might happen.
**well thats good she trying to watch out for everybody.
But mebbe she could let adult B2 help too? Trust is hard.> she wanted to leave the room physically, then she just didn't want to be present anymore.
**Well thats good she didn't just storm out.
> i sometimes use music to switch back to me. if i'm little one...soothing ethereal music, if i'm teen, hard but sometimes that encourages her...but i used lithium by evenescance (sp?) and that worked. i clenched hard and just became the music...that brought me back.
**Wow, thats SO cool bout the music thing, gonna have to think on that. Sometimes I listen to music alot, sometimes I don't. I am lucky, I seem to be able to, for the most part, fight my way back if I'm not the way I want to be, once I realize somehow(usu cuz of odd looks from people-I am very aware of body language)that its not me. Sometimes its a bit of a struggle, but I win. Nowadays its much better cuz there is much more trust internally.
> this also helps with the psychosis stuff i have going on.
> its like a protection sometimes.*music is amazing in its power.
> >> i think that's how i must have switched back before, by injuring myself.*ya, thats one of the things they say, SI to end a dissociative episode, to 'come back'.
> yes...SI, i think that's why my SI kept getting more and more severe. that i switched my reason for SI, that i started to do it more when teen was coming out (not knowing what was happening)cuz she was one giant ball of rage. when she'd cut and bad, when done, then ME would step in because i needed to 'take care of' my wounds.
> as a side note, i used to cut when i was younger too.*ya, now I don't SI much, it boggles my mind how i did some what I did. Ya, I did it younger, and mostly stopped, and then started again.
> this IS helpful muffled. but if you don't mind i'll tell.*thanks for your trust.
-your brother sounds like he was a sick sadistic bastard. I'm sorry you had to be affected by him :-(
Guess its gonna be some work to calm your 'people'. To let them feel safe. To deal with their anger. To deal with their hurt. :-(
But you got what it takes to do it B2. I know it. And while Teens intensity is WAY freaky, I think she most likely has your integrity too...
Take care,
M
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