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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rskontos on October 7, 2007, at 20:15:25
Well I had my first therapy session Sat with the one that I thought had dumped me. I did it because my friend encouraged me not to give up. Many of you had too......my doc friend told me she had a great deal of experience with my type of issues. And she was right.
This T has had several of patients with DID. The more we talked the more it became clear that is definitely me. My neuro appt on Fri. revealed that according to the neuro the partials a previous neuro dx me with probably isn't. Most partials are known by those around the person having them. My fugue as my T called them have never been known by anyone else. I've had them all my life they can be very long, I have lost days, I have been dressed in different clothes, met people I don't remember meeting, the list goes on. She has been a T for a long time and has had numerous people with DID so that made me feel better although one voice inside has a hard time with this. I described all my lastest fugues. We discussed why I thought they were increasing. No clue. She did said that for a good deal of people with DID I am at the age where it stops working and you basically come unravel especially if another big event sets you off, like it did in my case. We discuss my bad news. I still cant get into that online but I will later....Anyway, all this made me very unsettled. H and I went to a football to meet our daughter and on the way I had another fugue. I was feeling very unconnected with my body. Half in Half out. I didn't want to be around all those football fans especially since it was a big rivalry./ Well to make a long story short, we were sitting in the other sides' section and by two very loud and obnxious fans who were too close, it was hot, body orders all around, I was already feeling disconnected and I felt my self switch and start yelling at this guy. Luckily before it got too ugly H yelled my name and pulled me back which exactly what it felt like. The voice doing the yelling and the words were not mine. I couldn't not really see the guy I could hear the words and knew it wasn't me. This isnt the first time, I forgot on the way home from therapy I was singing to the radio as I needed to separate from all the therapy etc. and a voice very different from mine came out and was singing instead of me. So T brought to the surface another alter (T said I could think of them that way if that makes me happy, I don't know yet what does). I had to get up and leave the stadiium seats and stand in the area by the bathrooms because I knew if I went back to where we were I couldn't control the switching. And my head started hurting something fierce which the T said was from the switching. She has so much information for me. More on that later. An usher asked me what the problem was insteading of going into that and him thinking I was crazy, I told me I had no room and the guys were too close and I was going to have a panic attack. He graciously found me and H better seats. But the rest of the game I was sick at my stomach and wanted to bolt and still felt like I could lose my body very easily.
My therapist says that research has shown that the reason meds are not always effective is that one of the alters/entities whatever you want to call it, I still am shaky on this, can have a disorder like say migraines or diabetes and another not. That is why meds are not always effective. Interesting. She says they have done tests on patients where one entity had seizures that showed up on eeg and then on the others they didnt.
I thought maybe T would bring some things up I just realize how fast. The good is she helped me a lot and I trust her for some reason. She is going to see me more often as much as I need. The bad and the ugly is how shaky I feel. But I guess I need this. The good is she said I only need to integrate as much as I am comfortable with as it works for me to be heathly. When I think all parts of me as safe then I am ok. I only hope I can get there. The ugly is I was probably sa as a child. NO memory. Somebody else has them. Maybe they will keep them and I won't know ever and that is ok. But my bad news in part is probably I was and I was way to young to do anything about it but dissociate and withdraw. I want to try and heal all my parts and try to understand them so I can understand me. I dont know me. I don't know where I have been or what I am going. I do know I have a long road ahead and I dont know if my family realizes it or understands but for my sanity I have to take it. I hope they stay with me for the journey.
Posted by RealMe on October 7, 2007, at 21:01:05
In reply to T sesson.....The Good, the Bad and The Ugly, posted by rskontos on October 7, 2007, at 20:15:25
I am really happy for you. This is the sort of thing that happened to me before and as a patient at Menninger's. The others were so different; one was even an infant that wet the bed and pooped in her pants. I had one that was a in your face teenager and others too. What I was able to do there was integrate the different entitites or whatever one wants to call them--parts, alters, etc. I still did not, however, deal with the abuse to the extent needed. I convinced my self I was fine, and though I was able to know and remember things from the past at that point, I just decided to set it all aside and seal it away. It worked for a long time and until I started to have all sorts of physical stuff go wrong with me. I then started to feel vulnerable again, in a different way, but still vulnerable, and bam! It hit me like a lead ballon, and I felt so overwhelmed. I have to be thankful for my past therapy that allowed me most of the time to manage to keep my sh*t together and not go off the deep end. So, good luck. You will be okay. It will be painful; I won't lie, but you can do it.
Funny, with your comments about the migraines and all, I used to have them too before I was able to get the gang together under one roof so to speak and to work together with each other. They are after all parts of who we are. Take care.
RealMe
Posted by Phillipa on October 7, 2007, at 22:26:11
In reply to T sesson.....The Good, the Bad and The Ugly, posted by rskontos on October 7, 2007, at 20:15:25
My you were so articulate in telling your story. I will stay for the journey as it sounds like you will integrate the parts of you that are troublesome. I have heard that meds may work for one but not the others or a different med. Now how if you switch do they medicate you or don't they? I really don't know but would love to learn. Thanks for sharing. Phillipa
Posted by muffled on October 7, 2007, at 22:27:18
In reply to T sesson.....The Good, the Bad and The Ugly, posted by rskontos on October 7, 2007, at 20:15:25
(((Rskontos))
This is so hard...
But mebbe a releif in some weird way, cuz it explains so much?
Its good that your T has experience, but always keep in mind to trust your own instincts too...or at least listen to them. And for me, NOT having my T put stuff in my head was SO important, i kinda mostly found my own way(babble helped!) and so it was easier to accept my 'people' cuz I learned about them piece by piece, and at first the pieces made NO sense, but gradually they came together, and things kept making sense, and so it became very hard to deny, cuz stuff just kept getting proved true, over and over...
You seem very organized and grounded and ready to do what work needs to be done. And its good to hear that T apparently will be available. have you asked about phoning, e-mail, faxes, etc? Its so good to get all these things clear from the start.
I think you can do it. And if ALL of you is half so kind as you come across here on babble, well then you guys should do just fine.
Ya....it may be hard on your family :-(
How old did you say your kids were? You proly should give what appropriate age level info you can, so they know that you know whats going on, and that it may be hard, but it will be OK etc.
I seem to recall there even may be storybooks avail? Not sure.
I think preparing the family will help alot...
Maybe having possible contingencies in place in case of troubles.
Then maybe you can relax more and get to know yourself.
And y'know what, it MAY NOT BE ALL BAD!!! Getting to know those inside is not so bad. And when they can get along better, its SO much better. And some of the young ones, mebbe they can be kinda nasty, but they can be SO funny too! So there are good things too.
Try and remember that.
Take care and keep us posted, and hopefully we can sometimes say the right things, and even if we don't, as Dory once said, at least you know we care.
M
Posted by B2chica on October 8, 2007, at 9:06:49
In reply to T sesson.....The Good, the Bad and The Ugly, posted by rskontos on October 7, 2007, at 20:15:25
wow RK i am SOOO glad you posted this...
this is such good information!especially this
>>My therapist says that research has shown that the reason meds are not always effective is that one of the alters/entities whatever you want to call it, I still am shaky on this, can have a disorder like say migraines or diabetes and another not. That is why meds are not always effective.this makes SO much sense to me!
cuz it seemed that sometimes my meds worked and othertimes no! and docs were getting frustrated.**************************
but i'm sorry about your cruddy experience at the game.
and sorry about the csa news. that is not easy to hear...especially when you don't have any strong memories yet.
but you sound like you have a good T. and you sound like you are now ready to face this head on.
we'll be there with you RK...right beside you...
Posted by RealMe on October 8, 2007, at 21:58:37
In reply to Re: T sesson.....The Good, the Bad and The Ugly » rskontos, posted by B2chica on October 8, 2007, at 9:06:49
Agreed; med's did not work well for me either. I recall at Menninger's being given chloral hydrate at night to knock me out so I would sleep as there was one part/entity (and now part of me) who was a night owl and would stay up all night to try to stay safe. That part of me is winning out alot now too due to going back over all the scary stuff.
So, cloral hydrate would knock everyone out. I wanted to lock my door at night too, but they would not let me.
Otherwise, I took antipsychotic med's, antidepressant med's, anxiey med's, mood stabilizers, you name it. Finally, one antidepressant that worked overall, and that was it. Nothing else really worked for all parts.
My T wanted to prescribe a mood stabilizer sometime back again, Lithium, and I said no. I hated taking it before as I got acne all over my back, and I did not think it helped all that much. Maybe I should see about it again. Oh sh*t, that means blood levels too. Do not want. Oh, and one part had seizures and still does. Found scar tissue near or on amigdula, but it might have been from ECT. I had horrible olfactory hallucinations, and they come and go. Also, I had seizures (pre ECT) that caused me to loose my sight at times. I am sometimes having that again. No more migraines, though. Thank you for small favors. I used to get them all the time and thought I would lose my mind. LOL. I sort of did. Got to have some humor here, right?
RealMe
Posted by Phillipa on October 9, 2007, at 20:17:28
In reply to Re: T sesson.....The Good, the Bad and The Ugly, posted by RealMe on October 8, 2007, at 21:58:37
Hey guess what I also had chloral hydrate 20ml for many years with xanax and still would wake-up although there is only me. I attribute my poor sleep to having my first Daughter as I would frequently wake at night to check to make sure she was still breathing. No aphnea monitors then. I still need something to sleep but wake at night. One day just stopped the chloral hydrate as it's really like alchohol developed in the l800's hard to believe. Kept the xanax and now just low dose valium. Well since this isn't the meds board back to regular theraphy stuff. Have a new one as the one just got was so never around to see me so now the new one will be young and that will be better as I clicked with the one in the ER about 30. Good vibes and this one is a friend of hers. Phillipa
Posted by 10derHeart on October 9, 2007, at 22:18:40
In reply to Re: T sesson.....The Good, the Bad and The Ugly, posted by Phillipa on October 9, 2007, at 20:17:28
Phillipa,
That's sounds really promising about a new T. I hope she can see you weekly anyway. It's frustrating to feel so disconnected, as you did from the other one.
Posted by Phillipa on October 9, 2007, at 22:44:39
In reply to Re: T sesson.....The Good, the Bad and The Ugly » Phillipa, posted by 10derHeart on October 9, 2007, at 22:18:40
10derheart I so much wanted to one girl that is the hospital social worker. So wierd as I always thought that someone my age would have some similar issues and make a good fit. I hope her friend is like her and yes would love to see at least weekly. Thanks for replying Phillipa
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