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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Purplemyth on November 10, 2007, at 22:42:10
Hello all,
I am posting about my therapist who was at a big psych conference this morning. I had known about this conference for a long time, but only left a message for her after our session this week saying "I heard you were talking at a conference and I'm upset about it for some reason". To my surprise, she called me back, and even told me that I should come if I'd like to, and it may be good for me because I am going into the field. Although the second part is true, I am in my twenties, and everyone there is above 40, and well established. Also, the conference costs 60 bucks. Since she invited me, it felt nice, and I really was interested in the topic of the conference since we have been talking about the issue in therapy as well. I was going to bring a friend, but he backed out so I went alone which was scary. I called later again to ask if I can arrive later and leave later, and she said that way fine. She asked me if she was going to see me there, and that felt soooo nice. I told her I wasnt sure, and Id see if someone would go with me (it also felt nice to leave her wanting to see me for once!)
So, woke up eary on this saturday morning, I dressed up a bit, I went to the conference,parked up some really high far away hill, was late, but brave enough to go in the auditorium. As I went to a seat, I saw my therapist near the stage sitting down (she was one of the four speakers) and she smiled at me. At the time it was nice, but I wasnt overlly excited perhaps becuase I was in a social setting and it still didnt really hit me that I was actually seeing her outside of therapy.
So this guy spoke, then there was a break, which was semi awkward for me because I didnt know anyone and they could tell I was a lot younger or didnt know why I was there (not in a snobbish way).
Eventually I sat back inside the room while people had refreshments because I was too anxious. When I walked inside she was there, smiled and came up to me, and told me something like she was glad to see me and that i could make it, and she was glad i was able to come alone which was hard. She also asked me what I thought of the speaker, and i didnt know how to respond. I felt conflicted between the vulnerable part of me in therapy and the student part of me, so I just said something vague. At some point during this breif interaction, I remember her greeting me by coming closer to me, and doing that thing that most people do when their bodied are close, at times they touch eachother's arms, and they do the cheek to cheel kiss. She did that to ME!! At first it just seemed okay, but then in my head i though, no, this should be freaking me out, this is my therapist, why is she doing this, and then I was weirded out. After all, I always talk about how i was to sit next to her, touch her, kiss her, all these things. And she is okay with this, and explores this with me, and is warm towards me, but she has boundaries, and we know we cant touch. And then she goes and touches me outside of therapy, and even though it was a like a casual hello in the real world, it was huge for me! I think she realized by this little look on my face that I was surprised, and I liked that she became aware of it.
So I was actually okay, and the speakers then went on soon. When she spoke, I was tuning in and out, probably anxious. She spoke about two clients, and I got so so so jealous even though the issue was about therapy fees and counter trasference. I get so jealous of some of her patients, and I couldnt stand that she was talking warmly about one of them in some way.
And then I got upset with the overall conference because they were basically talking about how analysts sometimes feel guilty about fees, dont like tlaking about money, continue therapy becuase they like the client AND are dependant on income, and how they deserve to be rewarding. They spent a little bit time talking about how clients felt, but not so much. I was just furious which I didnt realize until later.
When everyone went to the lunch/discussion building, I wanted to leave. Luckily I spotted my therapist...she was mingling, giving hugs, I felt weird waiting, and didnt want her to see me waiting even though I was only standing there for 15 seconds or something. she then saw me and smiled, and we talked about how i was glad i came, and she said there was lunch and discussion, and I said i knew this but that i had 'anxiety'. She understood this enough, and smiled and said alright, and then said "we have a lot to talk about on monday" which I actually thought was cute and sweet, and I said "yees" and we said bye.
As I walked to my car, I felt sad, then angry, then happy, then sexually excited, then confused, then all of them at the same time I think. I went home, ate nothing, went in my bed, did something which Im not sure if i can mention here, then relaxed, then cried alot, then slept on and off for 6 hours. And then, I woke up sooooo depressed, and within those next couple of hours i left her 3 messages. Actually the first was in the car before i got home when i told her i was glad i came but felt anxious to stay because i didnt want to see her mingling with others from afar while i did nothing. But later I left the other two saying that I was confused and depressed, and then that I was angry about money, jealous of her clients, that I didnt want her to be dissapointed with me because I got so upset and have difficulty handling this (even though this isnt like her). And now I am sad and angry that she isnt calling back (she usually doesnt), and I just i hate all these feelings. I was alot worse a couple of hours ago, but was able to go out for a quick bite with a friend who i dont really like so much, but it helped to somewhat ditract me. i feel ike things will be okay, as they usually are once i talk to her, i just get all worked up. I am getting better though, like less obsessive, and I am dperessed and anxious for much less time.
So I'm not really sure what i hope to gain from wiritng this, and it is long, but I guess I just wanted to share and check out my feelings/ thoughts with others...and even writing this out helps.
Thanks :)
Posted by Phillipa on November 11, 2007, at 12:14:02
In reply to My T spoke at conference - mixed feelings. Long., posted by Purplemyth on November 10, 2007, at 22:42:10
You did the right thing . Thanks for sharing your experiences. Are you okay? Phillipa
Posted by RealMe on November 11, 2007, at 16:29:07
In reply to My T spoke at conference - mixed feelings. Long., posted by Purplemyth on November 10, 2007, at 22:42:10
Purplemyth
It was good of you to share, and you are not alone. I am a psychologist and had just started with a new thereapist after a disaster, and I had planed to go to a conference before I knew my therapist/analyst. Well he was presenting at this conference, and I thought about just not going since he would be there. So I mentioned it to him. I think I had only been seeing him two or maybe three times by then. He said he hoped I would go as he needed all the support he could get. It was a relief on the one hand to have him say this. So, I arrived early thinking I was barely one time. HE was there and came over and chatted with me. He is a psychiatrist/analyst and came in with who turned out to be another psychologist who had trained with him. So, we were all talking, and it was sort of weird, but I was okay with it. He was the first speaker, and the equipment for his power point would not work, and I ended up helping to get it to work. That was weird. Then he spoke about his topic, and I could tell he was nervous. My analyst is nervous??? Yep. That was a bit uncomfortable for me even though I know he is human.
Later, he left for a time but was back after lunch for the discussion part. We had split up in groups, and thank goodness I was not in his group. But we were taking adversarial sides as this was a workshop realted to forensic psychology. I ended up challenging one of the psychiatrists from the Univ. of Chicago who was on the other side of our side. I know him as well, and I think he was more than a little surprised. I know him from having had ECT in that hospital on the unit he runs. So, that was strange, but somehow I got the courage. He was addressing issues related to neuropsychological functioning, an area I know quite a bit about and that I could challenge him on as if in court as the expert on the other side.
The whole day was very strange, but even in the past, I once worked at the same place as my therapist and was presenting the psych testing at a case conference where he was the consultant. We talked about it ahead of time, and I was prepared.
So, yes you saw your therapist in a different context, and certainly you should talk about your thoughts and feelings in this regard, both the positive and negative feelings. There is a reason you were angry, and I hope you can figure that out as well as why the other emotions.
RealMe
Posted by Wittgenstein on November 11, 2007, at 20:20:02
In reply to My T spoke at conference - mixed feelings. Long., posted by Purplemyth on November 10, 2007, at 22:42:10
I think your response and range of feelings are to be expected - you've had an overwhelming and confusing experience. I hope you don't have to wait too long before you see your T again and that you can process this together. It could be a good way to bring up all manner of topics and hopefully some very positive things will come out of this in the therapeutic relationship. In the mean time, I hope you don't feel too down until your next session.
I think you were very brave to attend the conference - I'm have problems with social anxiety so any really busy places tend to freak me out a bit even without there being someone there how means the world to me.
Take care,
Witti
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