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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Happyflower on April 15, 2008, at 19:51:21
(((((seldom)))))))) Just thinking of you today, hope to talk to in chat. I know I will probably be there, I have slept too much today to get to sleep at a reasonable time tonight. Talk to you soon.
Posted by seldomseen on April 15, 2008, at 20:30:41
In reply to Seldom, how are you today?, posted by Happyflower on April 15, 2008, at 19:51:21
Thank you so very much for asking. (My friend HF)
I am well. It's been a topsy-turvy day. My emotions are all over the place. Leaden paralysis one minute, abject panic the next. All contained within a perfectly normal exterior at work.
"Hi! How are you? Great, me too - see you at the seminar" Blah Blah Blah Blah.Then I went and taught my class, more blah blah blah blah.
But right now I feel strong and I'm eating a microwaveable pizza, which is surprisingly good.
Lonely though, incredibly lonely. This feels very isolating to me.
I'm having to contain a lot that is right at the surface, but I think I'm maintaing the coping skills to do it. It's exhausting, but if this all comes out at once. I could be in serious trouble. I mete out a little bit of pain, a little bit of the time and deal with what is getting the most airplay at the time. Last night I cried over being left to die. It's sad. I dread tonight.
I called my T and was very honest. I told him I just wanted to hear his voice. He told me he was here for me anytime. He getting his feet back under him again, in no time he will be in full T mode. He's worried that his gestalt as gotten conflated with my abusers.
Oh if I could just convince him that nothing could further from the truth.
I also thinks he hurts for me. How could he not? I've known him for years. I'll call him again tomorrow.
What does one do the day after one owns one's abuse? I wish there were a manual.
Thanks again for thinking of little me.
Seldom
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 16, 2008, at 9:08:37
In reply to Re: Seldom, how are you today?, posted by seldomseen on April 15, 2008, at 20:30:41
Dear Seldom: Hi......I read your post (and HF is an old friend of mine).
I so resonate with what you said.......You sound like such a lovely person.
No one understands lonliness or pain....as we who have lived it.....do.
I wish you.....all you have ever wished for.
Love, Sassy (used to be here 2 years ago, as Allison); still in love with my t after 5 years, grieving 31 years of (abusive) marriage, and being kicked out of a church......other than that......I am fabulous! LOL, LOL
Posted by Happyflower on April 16, 2008, at 9:47:55
In reply to Re: Seldom, how are you today?, posted by seldomseen on April 15, 2008, at 20:30:41
Seldom,
I am glad he is open to you contacting him, you need his support more than ever right now. I am glad you are able to call him.
I am a little worried about you, you left chat kinda fast last night, are you okay?For some reason I feel like going whee whee whee to you, piggie talk. brrrrrrrrrrrrrr. LOL
(((((seldom)))))))
Posted by seldomseen on April 16, 2008, at 17:31:39
In reply to Re: Seldom, how are you today? » seldomseen, posted by Happyflower on April 16, 2008, at 9:47:55
Until my scheduled time next monday. I feel like I just got my hand slapped for trying to steal a cookie.
After 7 years, I expected more.
We tried to talk a little on the phone, but you know - gee whiz! I would rather not discuss my sexual abuse issues while I'm at work.
I was a lead reviewer on this proposal and we were in the meeting discussing the work when he called. I took the call. Then had to go back to the meeting and resume what I was doing.
I'm beginning to think that I can't carry this on my back myself.
Right now I feel this crushing hurt. I asked him not to leave me and I feel like he just did.
It's tough pill to swallow.
Seldom
Posted by Happyflower on April 16, 2008, at 17:50:53
In reply to I wanted to go in, he can't see me., posted by seldomseen on April 16, 2008, at 17:31:39
Oh, gosh, I know how much that hurts, needing to see them, but you can't because there isn't an opening. I have been there a lot with my old T, it really enforces that we are not a part of their family because if we were, we wouldn't need an appointment. I hope he put you on the cancellation list at least. It is still early, something might open up.
You did nothing wrong by asking, actually I am proud of you that you did. Maybe you could call him tonight when you are not at work, so you can talk more comfortable with him. He said he would be there for you, even if it means phone calls, and that is better than nothing. Please call him again. I will be in chat tonight, I hope you come on in. This stuff doesn't trigger me, so you can be free to talk about anything if you want.
If you want I can help you carry the load some, I want to be there for you, like you have been for me. I know it seems like he has left, but he really is just keeping his boundaries, and after having a T who didn't keep them, believe me you wouldn't want him to do that. But calling he is allowing, and heck you might get in to see him, so please don't be too hard on him.
But I know when you are hurting so much, you just need him and I get that. But hold on, you can do this, seldom, you are strong, and can be even stronger. What happened is in the past, and you can have power over that now. You are in charge. You are a survivor, you have come through this sh*t, and are a wonderful caring person in spite of it all. Don't let this stuff beat you, okay. You have a good heart, and many love you here, you are not alone. (((((Seldom)))))
Posted by seldomseen on April 16, 2008, at 19:58:16
In reply to Re: I wanted to go in, he can't see me., posted by Happyflower on April 16, 2008, at 17:50:53
I don't think I'll be in chat tonight.
Thank you for your kind words of support though.
Love to you
Seldom.
Posted by Dinah on April 16, 2008, at 21:07:00
In reply to I wanted to go in, he can't see me., posted by seldomseen on April 16, 2008, at 17:31:39
Ugh. That's a long time. Will he at least call you if there's a cancellation?
I agree. He should make a special effort to see you if at all possible. :(
I don't think he's left you. I think he'll be there for you. But ouch. There are limitations to the therapeutic relationship, and it hurts to walk smack dab into them. "Not leaving" and "being there" means something different.
Still, I think he should be extra careful to make time for you right now.
Posted by seldomseen on April 17, 2008, at 3:32:08
In reply to Re: I wanted to go in, he can't see me. » seldomseen, posted by Dinah on April 16, 2008, at 21:07:00
Looking back on it, he may have said that he would have come in early or stay late for me. I don't know, I can't be positive. All I heard, was no I don't have anything on thursday or friday. The defenses went up and I pretty much shut down I guess.
I don't know exactly what he said. What I will say is that, even after all this time and the way I feel right now, I could not have asked him to stay late or come in early. I know it is stupid, but I just couldn't have done it.
I don't know if him not having any time is what is bothering me the most. I am very bothered by absolute dichotomy between our phone conversation (pitiful as it was, lot's of stammering and false starts on his part) and the meeting I was presiding over was just too great.
It kind of underscored the fact that I feel like a big fat phony at work. A fairly competent professional on one hand - leading and organizing the discussion about a 3 million dollar (no joke)proposal - and the traumatized patient asking for time with her therapist on the other.
"Let's table this discussion for a moment, while I take a call from my therapist to discuss my need for annihilation."
My life lately has been like a David Lynch movie.
Anyway, I just woke up from a graphic dream about having open heart surgery (to fix a broken heart no doubt).
No sleep for the rest of the night for me.
On the upside, it's a great opportunity to get caught up on laundry.
The sound of the dryer is very soothing now that I got the quarter out of it.
Another thing that gets me is that all I want to do is be able to love other people and be loved back. I so desparately want to be free from all of this poison, indecision, fear and hurt that is inside of me.
I've made a lot of progress, and believe me, If I could just get up one day and say "Okay - that's it - I'm done with all that" I would.
But as they say, "it's once more into the breach dear friends, or close up the wall..."
I'm not going to close that wall.
Seldom
Posted by Dinah on April 17, 2008, at 6:59:02
In reply to Re: I wanted to go in, he can't see me. » Dinah, posted by seldomseen on April 17, 2008, at 3:32:08
> I'm not going to close that wall.
That's really mature of you. More mature than I am yet. Maybe the dichotomy isn't as great as you think? You clearly accomplish your tasks despite how you feel. That shows courage and self control.
And in therapy you're also showing courage and self control. In that you're going to accomplish what you need to despite how you feel. Courage doesn't mean not being afraid.
(Have I ever told you the bravest thing I ever saw? I had a sighthound who in the way of some sighthounds was very cautious. When we met strange dogs on walks, he generally very elegantly but quickly moved behind me. I'm sure he looked very regal and cool doing it, but I could see him tremble. One day I was sitting with my darling little toy dog. The sighthound was also fond of her. And a rolicking Irish setter came up to say hi. He didn't mean any harm of course. But to the sighthound he was a scary monster come to hurt this little dog who couldn't protect herself. I apparently was perfectly capable of protecting both myself and him. He stood up and placed himself between the Irish setter and the little dog and raised his hackles. He didn't attack or show agression. He just stood between them and made clear that to get to her, the poor happy dog would have had to get through him. It noticed the message and realized it wasn't a good time to visit and cheerfully took off. And the sighthound collapsed beside me, exhausted from his heroism. And that was the most courageous thing I've ever seen in my life.)
I'd have taken the before or after hours appointment. And have on occasion. My therapist has never seemed to mind. And as he always says, he wouldn't have offered if he hadn't meant it. He says my only job is deciding if I wish to accept.
This is the end of the thread.
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