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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by brassneck on June 8, 2008, at 9:01:47
As I mentioned in my introductory post, I started seeing a new therapist almost exactly two months ago, for depression/anxiety problems as well as for help dealing with some relationship issues. Honestly, going into it, I wasn't very optimistic, as I'd never had a positive therapy experience before. I was getting desperate, though, so I figured I'd give it my best shot.
Well, as it turns out, he's great, and I've become *extremely* attached to him. I'm still having a lot of trouble trusting him, though, and have a hard time showing him my depression/sadness because I'm worried that (1) he'll be repelled by my misery (as most people are), and (2) revealing myself to that degree will make me even more dependent on/attached to him, and will make me want things from him that aren't mine to have. It's really frustrating. I'm talkative during our sessions--but not *expressive*. I talk *about* my emotions, I guess, but not *from* them. I've been feeling really terrible lately, and I've been able to tell him that, but I haven't been able to connect with those feelings in front of him.
I sort of feel like I need to hear certain things from him before I'll feel comfortable making myself so vulnerable to him. I've already asked him if he likes me, and in response he said that he does, and that he might even like me "too much" (not erotically, but in the sense of finding me "too interesting"). I'm not exactly sure what that means, but the point (for now) is that I *do* know that he likes me, so I'm not worried about that. I guess that what I really need to hear is that he's available to me, that it's okay for me to need him right now. I need to know, for instance, that it's okay for me to call him if I want to--but he's *never* talked about his policy re: contact between sessions, and I'm terrified of bringing it up. Do most therapists wait for the patient to raise this topic? Or does his silence on the matter suggest that he doesn't like his patients to call him? I've become totally fixated on this, and I'd really like to address it with him tomorrow, but I have no idea what to say or what to expect. Any advice? Stories from your own experience? I never knew that therapy could be so maddening!
Posted by backseatdriver on June 8, 2008, at 10:14:13
In reply to Letting myself be vulnerable, calling my therapist, posted by brassneck on June 8, 2008, at 9:01:47
My therapist was equally silent on the subject. I think he does this because he wants to keep the therapeutic "frame" a little bit uncertain, so that we will have to explore my feelings -- not those! not that! -- about 'the rules' in his office rather than having him lay down the law outright, which would allay my insecurity rather than dealing with it.
I would much prefer frankness, but I am not assertive enough to insist on it. This is a problem. My solution, for now, is to pretend to be free-and-easy about scheduling, calls and emails, just to see what happens.
My results have been mixed. On the bright side: He calls right back if I call him. Scheduling emails also get a prompt reply. He will readily call in a prescription for me if I need one right away.
However, emails that contain my reflections and feelings will be met with silence. He is likely to forget appointments if they are at weird times. He does not like to schedule sessions more than a week or two ahead of time. And he has some kind of odd trouble using the telephone when he needs to initiate a conversation (e.g., he has to cancel at the last minute).
I kind of like my new free-and-easy style, though. I suspect that if I were to be more assertive about stuff like this, he'd straighten himself out. But it is also a relief not to take him too seriously. I take things too seriously in general.
Posted by Annierose on June 8, 2008, at 10:21:34
In reply to Letting myself be vulnerable, calling my therapist, posted by brassneck on June 8, 2008, at 9:01:47
For me, I find the direct approach works best. And then painfully waiting for an answer. Sometimes ... those moments between me asking a question and awaiting her reply seem long and foreboding ... but I always manage to take deep breaths and wait until she says something.
So I would ask, "Do you have a policy regarding phone calls between sessions?" I have never asked. Based on my on-going relationship with my therapist I know I can call and she will return my phone the same day. I hardly ever phone so I know I haven't crossed that boundary of calling too much.
Asking your t at the beginning of your relationship is appropriate ... so you know the score, so to speak. As my t would say, "move towards your fear and ask."
Posted by Dinah on June 8, 2008, at 10:23:32
In reply to Letting myself be vulnerable, calling my therapist, posted by brassneck on June 8, 2008, at 9:01:47
I think the thing to do is to tell him more or less what you've said here. That you recognize that while you're reporting your feelings, you aren't necessarily connecting with them. You can tell him your fears that he'll be repelled by your misery or that you'll get too attached. And that (if this is accurate) you're afraid that once you open those floodgates, they'll be hard to contain to sessions and you wonder what will happen if you are overwhelmed between sessions. What are his phone call policies.
Or, if you aren't ready to say that much yet, another possibility might be to say that you've been reading about different therapy experiences and how different therapists are in their policies on intersession contact. And ask what his policy is on the topic. I've brought up any number of topics using examples from Babble, and he's always been aware that I may be asking for myself as well.
It *is* hard to be vulnerable. It's human nature to want to expose a bit of vulnerability, then wait for the response and process it, then expose a bit more. But in my experience, these discussions on where the boundaries lie, and what the expectations in the relationship might be, have been very helpful. I don't always like the answers, but we can generally negotiate a mutually acceptable way of viewing them - even if they don't change.
Posted by Poet on June 8, 2008, at 11:24:54
In reply to Letting myself be vulnerable, calling my therapist, posted by brassneck on June 8, 2008, at 9:01:47
Hi Brassneck,
Welcome to babble.
I have major trust issues and have been seeing my T for over five years and I still cross my arms and legs tightly when I do not want to talk about something. My T told me early on that some people are blurters and some people slowly "get naked" and trust takes time to build. Good thing she has abundant patience.
I think you should ask your T about his policy on calling (or emailing) between sessions. My T is fine with it and it's really helped me get through a crisis. She told me in the first session to call her anytime I need her, but not in the middle of the night (she uses her home phone.)
I agree with you that therapy can be maddening and might I add frustrating?
Poet
Posted by raisinb on June 9, 2008, at 9:37:24
In reply to Letting myself be vulnerable, calling my therapist, posted by brassneck on June 8, 2008, at 9:01:47
It's fine to ask, I think. Because therapists have widely differing phone policies, most clients are probably confused about it, understandably.
My therapist never mentioned it either. About two years into working with her, she mentioned that I never called her. I blew up and said, "why didn't you tell me it was okay? How am I supposed to know that?" She "thought it was assumed" that I could call her anytime, but she agreed and said it was something she should have clarified in the beginning. So I could have been calling her once a week for two years, but I just assumed that since she hadn't said anything, I couldn't, and I'd been stewing about it all that time :). Better to clarify these things in the beginning.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on June 9, 2008, at 12:43:47
In reply to Letting myself be vulnerable, calling my therapist, posted by brassneck on June 8, 2008, at 9:01:47
Yes, therapy can be "crazy-making"...It is the most unique relationship there is. Can be so intense (unfortunately, for me it has ended up with me in love with my t, and my t having (non-professional, LOL) feelings for me; discussed at great lenth!
The only way you will know what his policy is (about phone calls, etc), is to ASK him; I know it is scary, but you will feel so much better if you get your courage up and ask him.
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by brassneck on June 9, 2008, at 15:06:02
In reply to Re: Letting myself be vulnerable, calling my thera, posted by sassyfrancesca on June 9, 2008, at 12:43:47
Wow, it was great to read everyone's thoughts on this subject. I don't have time now to respond individually--just wanted to say that I appreciate the responses. I saw him today, and though I planned to ask about his policy re: phone calls/contact between sessions, I chickened out (typical me!). I did sort of hint at some feelings of discomfort surrounding my attachment to him, but I was very, very vague. I'm pretty sure he has a good idea what's going on, though--so far, he has been pretty perceptive. Maybe I'll have better luck having the phone call conversation on Thursday.
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