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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by med_empowered on August 18, 2008, at 16:10:26
Its like this: I started my little psychiatric journey as a confused 18 year old. Pills and pills later, I wound up in a mental hospital w/ drug-induced psychosis at 20, after having dropped out of college. I stopped taking meds after the mental hospital incident because I hated what psychiatry was all about...it didn't seem to help.
At 23 (last year) I tried to return to college. one semester full of paranoia, agitation, mania, hallucinations...I got thrown into the local mental hospital, pumped full of Haldol, and sent home.
Now I'm 24 and I feel like an entirely different person. I've stopped taking my antipsychotic and my depakote; I just take Klonopin as needed now. I feel so *deeply* ashamed of the self-centered, self-destructive things I did when I was...ill? Is "ill" really even what I was? And, what am I, anyway?
I've decided to start over in school. I was in the social sciences, now I don't want to do that anymore. At this rate, I won't graduate till 27, but hopefully my life will be rewarding instead of pointless and painful, as it has been in the past.
My friends have all graduated college and have jobs. Some are married. I live at home with my parents and take classes online and hope, hope, hope for the day when things get better. I feel on the one hand like I've matured and can enjoy the remainder of my youth...on the other hand, I feel like I've wasted so much time.
My god, I just don't know. My official diagnosis has been changed from schizophrenia to some variant of bipolar disorder (not that it matters). I don't hallucinate anymore, I'm not manic, and I'm certainly not depressed...I just feel like I'm seeing the world through different, more mature eyes. Its good, but its painful, and I don't know anyone who has done the terrible, shameful things I have or who has dealt with what I've dealt with...
I'm just so confused. And alone. No pill will fix it, and honestly, lots of therapists piss me off. In my ideal world I could find a boyfriend who would help me deal with the world, but I don't think that's going to happen for a while.What do I do?
Posted by obsidian on August 18, 2008, at 22:01:54
In reply to waking up from mental illness...do I need therapy?, posted by med_empowered on August 18, 2008, at 16:10:26
I just wrote a whole different post to you, but then deleted it because a better thing to ask is
Do you think you need therapy?Are you concerned about a relapse?
Are you wondering what the "real" problem is?
What do you think?
Is life without medication (or most medication) the only option for you?
I am going to start this book soon...
it says on the back cover that "experiences such as delusions and hearing voices are in fact exaggerations of the mental foibles to which we all are vulnerable"I'll let you know if it's any good
"Madness Explained: Psychosis and Human Nature"
Posted by obsidian on August 18, 2008, at 22:06:51
In reply to waking up from mental illness...do I need therapy?, posted by med_empowered on August 18, 2008, at 16:10:26
the aftermath of mania is often regret and shame
I guess you've got some perspective now. That can be a painful thing unfortunately. Maybe you'd like to tease out what was "you" and what was "the illness"? Therapy might be a good place to do that.Best regards,
sid
Posted by Phillipa on August 19, 2008, at 0:13:16
In reply to waking up from mental illness...do I need therapy?, posted by med_empowered on August 18, 2008, at 16:10:26
Hi med it's been a journey for you did you ever write the stories you talked about? Yes theraphy would probably be a good thing. Maybe start with someone your pdoc recommends? Love Phillipa
Posted by nfc on August 19, 2008, at 7:53:18
In reply to waking up from mental illness...do I need therapy?, posted by med_empowered on August 18, 2008, at 16:10:26
hey med,
I would suggest therapy but only someone you're comfortable w/ venting on.
It seems that at this point, there's alot of emotions going on w/ you. I've been there or am there but in lesser sense. Posting here on babble helps to make that move from lesser to a stronger for someone else. I can relate in my own way of how I've matured because of being ill. I've been dx'd w/ skits and although another pdoc changed it, once you research the symptoms and they match to what you realize you had or still have, there's not much to change your mind really, for me anyway and I have to accept that and taking these meds, perhaps for life. sucks don't it. I've wasted time too being psycho then depressed. wasted at least a good 5 years of my life that coulda seen more productivity. A saying I came up w/ when I was younger was "Time waits for no one so its what you do during that time is what counts." I thought I'd always be doing something for myself that made me happy and would always be putting myself ahead at some point but once I got ill unfortunately it stopped me in my tracks like a million layered brick wall and like the rest of us here on babble, you, me, others around the world are left alone in each our own way, left to pick up the pieces of our lives and try our best to move on.
$%&* happens and its how you pick yourself up outta the hole and how you push yourself in moving forward is what really matters.
all the guilt, shame over things that were done were not your fault. w/o all the psychosis you woulda been a totally different person. that's something hard for me to accept once my psychosis was in remission and i realized what things I had said and done.
try not to look so much as to other people and there situations and compare yourself to them. that brought me down alot when I did that. seeing everyone else like at church or at work all smiles while you feel ashamed, guilty, depressed, flat, awful just sucked and made u keep to yourself as much as u could.
my advice to you is to as much as possible get symptoms under control and lessen the meds to a necessary level so you're not so medicated and can actually feel alive. analyze yourself and see areas you want to improve in and take steps to someday get there. baby steps like they say. don't count them just act on them. paying too much attention to minute progress makes everything seem like its moving too slow. sorry just my babble. its like u just gotta rehab yourself. find a therapist you can just vent on or someone IRL or someone here, heck u can babble me or anyone else here for that matter. I've grumbled and said a truckload of things i was pissed at and over time made me feel better. get the load off my chest ya' know. yeah no pill will help these kinds of situations. we each have to help ourselves really. w/ help from others around us as well.
yeah i could say the same thing about the having a significant other to help you deal w/ the world. don't feel so bad, alot of growth is to be learned by being single. work on being a stronger, happier person. soon enough you'll catch someone's eye and the rest of the happy story you'll have to write out yourself. :)
take care and hang in there,
nfc
Posted by obsidian on August 19, 2008, at 21:06:33
In reply to Re: waking up from mental illness...do I need therapy? » med_empowered, posted by nfc on August 19, 2008, at 7:53:18
thanks for that post :-)
that was really nice to read
I wish you all the best,
sid
Posted by nfc on August 20, 2008, at 7:42:28
In reply to Re: waking up from mental illness...do I need therapy? » nfc, posted by obsidian on August 19, 2008, at 21:06:33
Posted by Nadezda on August 20, 2008, at 12:33:21
In reply to waking up from mental illness...do I need therapy?, posted by med_empowered on August 18, 2008, at 16:10:26
Hi, med_em. You sound like therapy could really help you at this point if, as others say, you found a T you clicked with. It often takes seeing a few people before you find that one. It's a feeling you'll have-- like knowing that you really like someone, just an intuitive sense of rightness. Sometimes, people are nice, and fine-- but they aren't the right person to have as a T, so I would talk to several before I made up my mind.
You have a lot of life ahead of you, and as nfc said, you can't change what you've done or said-- all you can do is live each day, and be aware of how lucky you are to have the good parts of it-- and work toward living more fully. You haven't wasted that much time. We all probably feel we missed out on a lot. That isn't the real thing, though-- it's what we didn't miss out on- if we can come to appreciate-- and what we aren't going to miss out on.
If you have access to a few good referrals, I'd start there-- and see how it goes. It could make a huge difference for you, as you figure out what you need and can learn from therapy.
Nadezda
Posted by susan47 on August 26, 2008, at 17:43:49
In reply to waking up from mental illness...do I need therapy?, posted by med_empowered on August 18, 2008, at 16:10:26
> Its like this: I started my little psychiatric journey as a confused 18 year old. Pills and pills later, I wound up in a mental hospital w/ drug-induced psychosis at 20, after having dropped out of college. I stopped taking meds after the mental hospital incident because I hated what psychiatry was all about...it didn't seem to help.
What was the drug that induced the psychosis?
> At 23 (last year) I tried to return to college. one semester full of paranoia, agitation, mania, hallucinations...I got thrown into the local mental hospital, pumped full of Haldol, and sent home.
> Now I'm 24 and I feel like an entirely different person. I've stopped taking my antipsychotic and my depakote; I just take Klonopin as needed now. I feel so *deeply* ashamed of the self-centered, self-destructive things I did when I was...ill? Is "ill" really even what I was? And, what am I, anyway?**DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED OF ANYTHING**
Whatever you've been through is because you were deeply unhappy and functioning THE ONLY WAY YOU KNEW HOW. YOU SURVIVED. THAT is what's important. You're here now, and you're still in your 20's. I am 51. Fifty-one years of living in hell, 51 years of not understanding, not knowing I am mentally *ill*, that my symptoms describe the sympatomology of OTHER PEOPLE, I Am actually as Normal as they come, but forced to be a round peg in a square hole, living in hell and I SURVIVED TOO.
You have time, lots of time.
FEEL HAPPY FOR BEING HERE, FOR FEELING GOOD.
> I've decided to start over in school. I was in the social sciences, now I don't want to do that anymore. At this rate, I won't graduate till 27, but hopefully my life will be rewarding instead of pointless and painful, as it has been in the past.Your past was not pointless. Painful yes, but look how deeply you think now, feel how deeply you care about life, about your life and the lives of others. Do you care more deeply from your pain? What lessons has this pain all taught you? This is the gold; therein lies the value.
> My friends have all graduated college and have jobs. Some are married. I live at home with my parents and take classes online and hope, hope, hope for the day when things get better. I feel on the one hand like I've matured and can enjoy the remainder of my youth...on the other hand, I feel like I've wasted so much time.
Your parents must be supportive to some degree. How lucky you are. How LOVED YOU ARE.
> My god, I just don't know. My official diagnosis has been changed from schizophrenia to some variant of bipolar disorder (not that it matters). I don't hallucinate anymore, I'm not manic, and I'm certainly not depressed...I just feel like I'm seeing the world through different, more mature eyes. Its good, but its painful, and I don't know anyone who has done the terrible, shameful things I have or who has dealt with what I've dealt with...I'm a diagnosed depressive Bordlerline. I'm alive. I can still enjoy moments in a day. It's not all bleak. And I'm smart. I can survive. I want to live. I want to love. Do you?
Then do it.> I'm just so confused. And alone. No pill will fix it, and honestly, lots of therapists piss me off. In my ideal world I could find a boyfriend who would help me deal with the world, but I don't think that's going to happen for a while.
You're never as alone as you think. There are others there with you, my dear.
>
> What do I do?Live. Love. Learn. Smile.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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