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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by workinprogress on February 21, 2009, at 23:52:35
Sometimes it feels like the only way to feel better is to quit therapy. Sometimes it feels like I wouldn't feel so crappy if it weren't for therapy. I think I've slipped into the worst depression of my life because of looking at the patterns of behavior I have that I didn't know I had, but aren't very attractive. Sometimes it was nice to just not know about them. Now they just look like a huge pile of crap that I can't see ever climbing over. Worse, I keep stepping in it and sliding back down.... only to be covered in s***.
I know nobody can make those feelings go away... but can someone give me some sort of reassurance there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
I so get the phrase "ignorance is bliss".
WIP
Posted by Phillipa on February 22, 2009, at 10:54:20
In reply to Feeling better = quitting therapy., posted by workinprogress on February 21, 2009, at 23:52:35
You know somethimes it really is denial. For me anyway. Love Phillipa
Posted by lucie lu on February 22, 2009, at 17:55:36
In reply to Feeling better = quitting therapy., posted by workinprogress on February 21, 2009, at 23:52:35
WIP,
You sound like you are feeling pretty discouraged :(
I don't know about light at the end of the tunnel, but you sure have a lot of company there.
One thing that makes therapy hard is that it's not a linear process. Wouldn't it be nice if we could take the gains that we make in therapy, as we make them, and put them in the bank? Then when we feel discouraged, we could whip out the old bank account and admire how our balance has grown. But with therapy, it often seems like all we really get is our account balance at the end. That leaves us wondering, in all that middle time, how we are doing and whether we are making any headway at all.
I think that it may be those times that we most feel like something that has crept out from under a rock, that we are really growing the most. But we probably cannot tell that just from looking at ourselves. I think that when begin to even consider shedding some of our unhelpful defenses and behavior patterns, our sense of self may feel unstable. Without our tightly constructed defenses, which we have had for many years, we feel naked in ways that we never did before. We feel not only naked but, um, downright unpretty (to ourselves). But that's why we went into therapy in the first place, to make major changes in ourselves.
Maybe therapy is like plastic surgery. You go in because there are things you really want to change. You have the surgery and look like holy hell for a while until the healing is complete. And then you have what you came for, and you look great.
So hang in there. You're doing a good job. I'm sure you will be feeling better about everything again soon.
Take care,
Lucie
Posted by antigua3 on February 23, 2009, at 9:22:09
In reply to Feeling better = quitting therapy., posted by workinprogress on February 21, 2009, at 23:52:35
There IS light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it, now, and while that doesn't mean I'm finished, I can see it.
But... I am going through an especially tough time right now, and I'm kind of surprised that it would be so ugly, but that's the way it goes. You have to go through these times to get there. I hate it that I think I'm getting close to being finished, and then something horrible crops up that makes me doubt and question therapy, but I will admit that although things may be at almost their worst right now, I have better coping strategies to handle what's going on. I also have the faith that I will get through this time.
I can't shake the belief, though, that it is time for me to stop, but I've learned along this really tough path that when I feel this way, it's even more important to keep going. But yes, I do think, and more often now, that enough may be enough, that I just need to accept and learn to live with where I am, that this may be the best I can be w/therapy and the rest will have to be me on my own. But my Ts don't agree, yet, but I do see the light. It's just that I'm stuck in that tunnel, wanting so desperately to get through it, but even uglier things keep popping up.
So I certainly sympathize w/your position. But I would like to lend you a suppportive hand and let you know that I do believe there is hope that all of us can reach that light.
antigua
Posted by lucie lu on February 25, 2009, at 21:45:02
In reply to Feeling better = quitting therapy., posted by workinprogress on February 21, 2009, at 23:52:35
Posted by workinprogress on February 26, 2009, at 2:46:37
In reply to WIP, are you OK? (nm), posted by lucie lu on February 25, 2009, at 21:45:02
Antigua, Phillipa, and Lucie,
Thanks so much for your kind responses. You are pretty spot on in saying that it's when it's so hard and so not very pretty that we are really doing something. I started this little phase in my therapy back at the end of 2008.. I could feel it coming on, I told my T that I was hesitant. She said "we've gone through it before and you came out all the better, we'll do it again". And I said, ok, but it's hard to dive in now that I have enough experience to know that it's going to be really challenging and painful and hard.
What's hard is really that linear thing you talked about Lucie (and I posted about it earlier this month). Therapy isn't linear, but that doesn't mean I haven't progressed. Right now though, I feel like I have less of a sense of self than I did when I started therapy. It probably isn't true, but it feels like it, because we've been working really hard at uncovering some self-hatred stuff. And well, when you spend a lot of time really honestly looking at that stuff, you don't tend to feel better about yourself. Admitting it though, looking at it, gives me the chance to move through it and work on healing it, work on acceptance. But, nonetheless... hard, ugly... "holy hell" as you said lucie.
So... I have been feeling like "holy hell" and I've been in what my therapist calls "purgatory"- when you finally notice all of your old not so productive patterns, but you don't yet have the skills to change them. It is so frustrating, because now that I notice, it's something else to feel crappy about or beat myself up about. But... can't yet do it "right". At least it gives me the opportunity to work on self-acceptance. I'm working on saying "oh well, so I messed it up a bit.. oh well".
Alas, that said, I'm doing ok. Talking about it with T the other day helped. She said "I don't care about you any less because of these things, if anything I care about you more, am closer to you, and appreciate the fact that you're willing to look at them". So, that was nice. And I'm exercising more and drinking less... which always helps.
I'm still "messing up". I'm still lonely (been doing the dating thing- insert big raspberry here) and my job still isn't what I'd like it to be... but I'm trying to say "oh well" about stuff and be working on a plan to change the rest.
Ok.. well, that was a bit rambly. But yes, lucie... I am OK. Thanks so much for asking, I really do appreciate it.
WIP
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