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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on May 25, 2011, at 0:10:44
I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm tainted. I'm ruined.This is what I finally blurted out today when my therapist asked for the millionth time - "why is it so hard for you to allow your loving feelings for me?"
I tried to answer: "Because...because..." and then the words got stuck, the tears started to pour out and I just couldn't say them. He waited. And waited.
And then he asked, "what makes it so hard to say the words? We say everything in here." So I told him that it was a truth deeply held and saying it out loud made it even more real - and I cried some more and then just blurted those 8 really true, really horrible words.
So much for self-esteem, self-confidence or being OK with myself. I just don't think I'm allowed to care about anyone - and I certainly am not allowed to expect any caring in return. I'm sure it must set off thoughts of "ick, ew, no, never" in the other person. Rejection is expected and yet still mortifying and unbelievably painful.
It was an intensely painful session as we peeked into this dark place. I felt totally exposed and drained afterward. I can't help but wonder if all the work we've done so far was leading to really admitting how much self-hatred I carry. It feels impossible to change what feels like a soul truth.
I've said a lot of things out loud in therapy. This is by far one of the hardest. I'm not even all that sure why. Or why I want to share it here. I guess there are so few people who might get this. It isn't about convincing me that it isn't true. I'm not fishing for compliments. I just want to hide it all again.
Posted by Dinah on May 25, 2011, at 8:45:42
In reply to 8 scary words, posted by Daisym on May 25, 2011, at 0:10:44
((( Daisy )))
I *do* get it.
I think I remember once reading one opinion that this is at the core of many therapies. I think it's a good thing to reach that core, although I know it doesn't *feel* good.
I also remember that point in many "Touched by an Angel" episodes where the angel says "God loves you" and the reaction that received. I wonder if that core applies to more than just therapy. And I wonder if spirituality of some sort can be part of the answer.
In theory those eight scary words could be the opening for some of the most healing insights of therapy. That ugly or pretty, fat or thin, touched by the ugliness the world can bring or not, you are fundamentally love-able.
I understand how hard it is to be that vulnerable, and I'll send a lot of good therapy thoughts and wishes your way.
Posted by annierose on May 25, 2011, at 10:37:15
In reply to Re: 8 scary words » Daisym, posted by Dinah on May 25, 2011, at 8:45:42
I do think self-hatred is a core destructive belief so many of us share. And the energy is takes to wake up, go to work, be a parent while harboring all these hateful feelings is tremendous. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Is it because as a child, when we couldn't understand our life circumstance, we had to find a reason to make sense of a senseless world ... "it must be me".
I hope saying those words out loud let you feel your therapist's love. He doesn't see you in that way. Neither do I. All we see is the love and beauty you give and project.
And on the same side of the coin is why we can't accept and feel the love others give to us, including your therapist. For me, it is scary to believe she really loves me. But when I need her (like I do right now) I can begin to feel her love and accept it. Baby steps.
This might be the un-spoken energy lingering in your sessions that has been tormenting you. I hope he finds the right words to reach out and hold you close while you feel the love in that room.
This is the end of the thread.
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