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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 2 of 2. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rjlockhart37 on November 11, 2014, at 23:44:48
i've heard alot of people told me "your being paranoid" when it's reasomable cause.....the thing is tonight before i go to bed, i had major stages of paranoia, i got diagnosed with some schizop for a while and was put on geodon and zyprexa at incridbly high doses, and it made just .... when you on high antipsychotics they kinda make you not really care about things, you don't notice people talking or gossiping behind your back, but when i start to not take it's like all the sensors in the brain turn on to full capacity.....
one time, i was at a mental health clinic, and i don't know why but i thought the psychiatrist was part of plan to drug me up and make me not think, and i was living here at home, everytime i would leave the house, the same cars, red dodge truck, a volvo station wagon, and some ford cars would follow me, and it got to the point where i would into best buy, or the convient store to get something, and they would get out of the car, and stand in the isle with me acting like ... they where just browsing whatever store supplies whereever on that isle, and followed me all over, i started playing stupid, and looking at things i didnt plan on getting, and drive and pull over and sit there until their left.... because i thought they where recording every move i was doing..... and to point where it was a community watch, and then worse couple months later, i would drive and would harrass me on the roads, tailgate, change lanes without signiling, it really got to a point where i knew someone was planning to either throw me in jail, or community harrasment, which is real term for people who secretly plan to harass to get someone to move out of town......basically, in simple terms, it's like high school where they push you around and start gossip and plan secret plots....
some of it i can see is a disorder, i was at christain drug rehab, and they gossiped like crazy in the group therapy session, i started thinking it wasnt a christain rehab....had all these crazy paranoid ideas it was an insidious group planning evil ideas......so on....
but their's a point when paranoia is natural, and should be used, aka when people are gossiping, they have you on recorder in a therapy session, easedropping and pretend acting busy near to over hear information.... or on the phone, to whatever motive there is why, and then there's conspiracies which are a higher level of gossip and secret planning.....
but the thing i noticed, just to make sure not to be paranoid, is to just notice what's going on around you.....alertness, paranoia is when you know something is up, but it could be true, or false.....
i'm still dealing with paranoia, still.....it's a highnted awareness.....i've gotten alot of diagnosis, ADHD, schizo, anxiety, i started getting paranoid about things, thinking someone is watching my everymove and planning a move after that.....it's just crazy.....i wanna live peacefully and not under fear.....
rant rant rant......have no idea why i wrote this.....
logging out
r
Posted by rjlockhart37 on November 30, 2014, at 22:31:37
In reply to paranoia, posted by rjlockhart37 on November 11, 2014, at 23:44:48
i've written alot of stuff here, that i would nevver talk about in real life, but this is more like a inner talk, instead of hanging out friends, and doing regular things......i like to put my mind in the internet......feels like maybe someone will read it in the next couple years, and you privacy....i don't really care if people know who i am, maybe they can see more of who i am, browse google......but paranoia has alway started, it began in high sschool, with terrible gossip, and then i started thinking there was more of a conspiracy because rumor got around most of the high school that i was like gay, and ... freak and stuff....i never talked much in high school, and it was one of the most painful times of my life, your suppost to have friends that care about you, and have fun, it was a nightmare, i had no one, and self medicated with various things, abused, used methamphtamine, and no one was there to talk too......like i was an alien, everyone would look at and say "what is it????" lol didnt really feel any stimulation talking to people, only started when i was abusing methamphetamine, the crstal form, which it totally makes you crazy....adderall and dexedrine wake you up, get you going, and do work, crystal methamphetamine is so strong, you do crazy things, repeative, think your someone else because of the enhanced feeling of graduer and confidence, and then when the stuff comes off....my lips would become read, my body dehyraded, the whole body altered.....dexedrine and adderall don't produce the intense effects of ice......
so.....it was really hard, i still have dreams im in high school, 10 years later, still having a dream that im in my senior year of high school getting ready to graduate, part of me was left behind in 2005, something happened, because these dreams keep going back to my senior year of high school, almost about to graduate..... and just writing this surfaces the emotions that have been dormant, and are the most painful feelings i dream about.....if just people knew what was going on, i stayed alone, used various substances to make feel better, slashed my wrists couple times but it was wanst serious, i just did it out the momennt of feeling bad, never activly had a plan to end it.... but i still go back to that time sitting in that classroom, wanting so bad to connect with people, and they not knowing what i was doing to myself......in my dreams, not every night, but once ever couple weeks, going back to my high school trying to make things right.......
and times after this, there's not much you can do, and the main thing to do is to say it's sad that, it happened, but that's regression when focus on the past, of all the hurtful memories, staying in a melocoly nostalgia, the thing that i see is people's pain is trying to feel the past, and the memories, you gotta let it all go, the emotions of the past both make who you are, but also make it possible to not experience the same painful experiences in the future, not saying that it's gonna prevent bad events, but you will know similar of what happened, and learn a better way to deal it....perosnally, i started not caring when people didnt like me, i was always so senstive and over caring of people's opinions of me, and would beg and become a slave of their expectations, today, i just learned, they don't like you, and insult, and do that, well it is what is.....don't feel anything, only problem i ran into by doing that technique, is using a fake face, becoming friends with someone, but if it breaks up, don't get hurt because not connecting truely with that person, their connecting with the face not the real person, and that's....a fake, but sometimes being fake is the only way to cope for a while.....hiding behind the face.....safe under all of it....i didnt used to do that....but it's a techique i call image reflection where you mirror images, to project the self, the persona....and that is fake, i might as well be known for being fake, but it's the only way know to cope......don't geet attached to people....use the face person....
so.....being alone during painful times, i've learned to cope with it, i've had my moments at night with my head under a pillow and feeling ure the only one on the planet that knows about it.....and ... i have to get this out, but i started to tell myself to keep all it to myself, there's not much people can do, expept give you a hug, and say it will be ok, no one can help me.....only say their sorry it happened, enough with talkin about this.....i can't deal that anymore....
so.....2nd is learning to cope with pain, espcially with people who attack you while your vunerable, like i said, using the face image to trick the predotors and bullies, who will kick around, don't connect with them, use image reflection techiques, just picture yourself of a picture you like, that you get a good feeling from and you want be like it, liek short clip from a movie, and try to image it in your mind....but again, this is not a good coping mechanism but i learn to this.....
just feeling scared of not knowing how to cope, and start thinking you need someone, co depenceny, learn to connect to people, a group, a church, a company, it's the best way to do, because when you are friends with a group it gives a feeling of belonging.....
so......let it all go....the truth will set you free....
end
r
This is the end of the thread.
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