Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 11, 2005, at 15:21:38
Isn't it funny how something that has the power to make you feel so wonderful and happy also has the power to make you feel so disgusting and horrible.
If I could just avoid the whole thing
Circumvent it
I would
But you can't do that
Not in this body
Oversized
Hairy
Smelly
lumpy
I feel sick.I don't mind when someone views me as a sex object when I am in the mood. But sometimes it freaks me out. I feel sick and dirty and panicky.
When I was 14 I discovered guys will give you 'special treatment' if you let them do things. I thought 'I am not a kid anymore. This is what adult relationships are supposed to be about'. And those guys were adults. They did care for me. Like no body ever had. But why did they care for me?
It changes everything.
I wish it didn't exist.
I wish there could be love without it.
Why couldn't we be both sexes,
Why do we need two to reproduce?
Why do we even want to do that?
It isn't fair.Maybe it comes of how else they view you too.
If you are mostly a sex object
Or if they respect you as a person too.Sometimes I am sure I am only 7
This body feels all wrong.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 11, 2005, at 16:36:01
In reply to trigger, posted by alexandra_k on February 11, 2005, at 15:21:38
Sometimes.
Just occasionally I feel like this.
I know what I have to do
Posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 16:55:12
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by alexandra_k on February 11, 2005, at 16:36:01
What?
Posted by alexandra_k on February 11, 2005, at 17:38:35
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 16:55:12
Stop with the 'arrangement'.
That is making me feel sick...
Posted by anastasia56 on February 11, 2005, at 23:06:02
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by alexandra_k on February 11, 2005, at 16:36:01
oh sweetie, i am so so sorry...it might be time to talk about it. to your t or here, but it sounds like it's time.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 12, 2005, at 23:24:21
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by anastasia56 on February 11, 2005, at 23:06:02
hmm. nearly time. bits and pieces come up sometimes. or at least they have been recently...
Posted by anastasia56 on February 13, 2005, at 1:05:16
In reply to Re: trigger » anastasia56, posted by alexandra_k on February 12, 2005, at 23:24:21
let them come up if you can. we're here for you.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 13, 2005, at 15:22:07
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by anastasia56 on February 13, 2005, at 1:05:16
Posted by Susan47 on February 13, 2005, at 19:39:01
In reply to trigger, posted by alexandra_k on February 11, 2005, at 15:21:38
Yes and I promise to try and always, Always write Trigger in mind from now on. ((((alexandra_k)))) and could I have one too please, for myself? ((((Susan47))))
Posted by alexandra_k on February 13, 2005, at 20:09:23
In reply to Re: trigger » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on February 13, 2005, at 19:39:01
> Yes and I promise to try and always, Always write Trigger in mind from now on. ((((alexandra_k)))) and could I have one too please, for myself? ((((Susan47))))
Oh Susan. I enjoy your rambles. That other one was just a little toooooo graphic for me in my sensitive state. Just the graphic ones, ok?????
And I'll pretty much always read them in the end, ok?((((((Susan)))))))
I do enjoy your writing, you know :-)
Posted by alexandra_k on February 15, 2005, at 23:15:47
In reply to Re: trigger » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on February 13, 2005, at 20:09:23
Ok. So it isn't perfect. But it comes close...
Ugh.Hands Clean (From Under Rug Swept)
If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very muchOoh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crimeWe'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of thisYou're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me
You're kind of my prot‚g‚ and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me
I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian
I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like itOoh this could get messy
But ooh you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crimeWe'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of thisWhat part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
What part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
What with this distance it seems so obvious?Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world 'cause you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm bodyOoh this could be messy and
Ooh I don't seem to mind and
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crimeWe'll fast forward to a few years later
No one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of thisOoh this could be messy and
Ooh I don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go tellin' everybody
And overlook this supposed crimeWe'll fast forward to a few years later
No one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of thisAlanis Morissette
Posted by anastasia56 on February 18, 2005, at 6:14:30
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by alexandra_k on February 15, 2005, at 23:15:47
does your history still control your actions today? or have you done your work on this already?
Posted by alexandra_k on February 18, 2005, at 16:04:07
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by anastasia56 on February 18, 2005, at 6:14:30
Hmm. How do you mean?
Posted by anastasia56 on February 19, 2005, at 0:26:26
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by anastasia56 on February 18, 2005, at 6:14:30
i thought i had read in one of your posts that this person is still a part of your life? did i process that correctly?
ana
Posted by alexandra_k on February 19, 2005, at 1:39:28
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by anastasia56 on February 19, 2005, at 0:26:26
Nope, not that particular person.
He actually phoned me about 4 or 5 years after. I had heard a couple of years before that that his wife left him. He had the nerve to phone my Father for my cellphone number and he called me.
I told him not to call me ever again and I hung up.
Cried my eyes out.
Found myself trying to track his number down a couple of hours later.
Couldn't find it.
Just as well, eh?
Posted by anastasia56 on February 19, 2005, at 16:56:00
In reply to Re: trigger » anastasia56, posted by alexandra_k on February 12, 2005, at 23:24:21
what is the 'arrangement' that you have currently that you spoke of?
Posted by alexandra_k on February 19, 2005, at 19:49:51
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by anastasia56 on February 19, 2005, at 16:56:00
Ah. Well, that is over now.
He wasn't married.
(His wife left him a couple of months before we hooked up)
A bit older than me though.
We weren't *having a relationship*
Just sleeping together sometimes.
But not any more.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 19, 2005, at 19:51:10
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by anastasia56 on February 19, 2005, at 16:56:00
I mean that was a different guy.
Posted by anastasia56 on February 20, 2005, at 0:25:59
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by anastasia56 on February 19, 2005, at 16:56:00
it's interesting the situations we can get ourselves into. i've been in several relationships over the years that each had a price for something i wanted. I dated a finish carpentar for years until i finally broke it off. later i bought a house that needed repair. we got back together for the period it took to bring the house up to snuff. i got what i wanted. a beautifully finished home. he got what he wanted, sex and me. that, to me, is an 'arrangement'. it sounds similar to what you said earlier that you learned at a young age that if you give men what they want you get rewarded in various ways.
how young were you with the original guy?
Posted by alexandra_k on February 20, 2005, at 3:06:41
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by anastasia56 on February 20, 2005, at 0:25:59
Ouch. Yeah I thought you were getting there... But I was going to make you drag it out of me...
:-)This is hard. And embarrasing.
Sometimes I freak out. Kind of panic or whatever. I used to go into hospital when I got like that. But then after DBT I get told 'go practice your skills dear' or 'what do you expect us to do'.
I can go and stay with him. And he looks after me. He holds me when I need to be held.
So long as I sleep with him.
Yuk.> how young were you with the original guy?
14.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 20, 2005, at 3:11:54
In reply to Re: trigger » anastasia56, posted by alexandra_k on February 20, 2005, at 3:06:41
Ok so to be fair I did quite like him to start with. We agreed that we didn't want to be together long term. Going in different directions. Too much of an age difference. We got on okay as friends though, and there was a chemistry there.
But over time I saw that there was much about him that wasn't good for me. His lifestyle. His view of people. He is more messed up than he realises.
Over time I didn't really want to sleep with him anymore. But sometimes I would freak out. Sometimes he wants time for himself. But I could stay no problem so long as I slept with him.
Funny kind of arrangement I suppose.
But I have been feeling more and more like I don't really want to do that with him.
And realised that he isn't such a great friend as I thought.
And he has many annoying little habits. I am realising that he is always appraising people sexually. You can follow his eyes. He disgusts me now. I know that is a horrible thing to say. But it is true.
What did I get myself into?
I dunno. But it has to stop.
Posted by Susan47 on February 20, 2005, at 12:41:33
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by anastasia56 on February 20, 2005, at 0:25:59
It's interesting how you got to the bottom of this so quickly. Hmm. We're all different and in different situations, but there's definitely an element of getting what we need in all the relationships we choose. I think I chose every relationship I've ever been in, including the ones that seemed otherwise. Something sometimes perverse in me decided I deserved what I was getting.
Hmm. What a great thread. Sad to see it die. Will it die? I hope not, it's incredibly interesting. Alexandra, keep talking if you can, it's good.
Posted by anastasia56 on February 20, 2005, at 16:08:29
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by alexandra_k on February 20, 2005, at 3:11:54
sometimes a reality check makes it easier to end unhealthy relationships.
once when i was in an 'innappropriate' relationship my pdoc suggested i have him to come to a session. i was convinced he would come because he wanted our relationship to work. he wouldn't go. that told me volumes and gave me the courage to see our relationship for what it was. one with no future.
some of us are patterned to believe our feelings don't matter. our partners feelings are more important. standing up for ourselves can be very difficult because it goes against our grain. ultimately it is unhealty to sweep the 'bad' feelings under our emotional carpet. it's time to recognize why you are having those feelings. they are there for a reason.
ana
Posted by alexandra_k on February 20, 2005, at 21:29:49
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by anastasia56 on February 20, 2005, at 16:08:29
Posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2005, at 12:32:39
In reply to Re: trigger, posted by anastasia56 on February 20, 2005, at 16:08:29
You're so right. Alexandra, good luck. With it being over, I mean. You can find what you need somewhere else, somewhere better, I'm convinced of that.
This is the end of the thread.
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