Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sunny10 on March 24, 2005, at 9:46:23
(I posted this on substance board, too...)
how, exactly, do I make myself stop caring that my SO is killing himself? How do I "act like" it doesn't bother me that we will have no future together if he kills himself with a coke anuerism like his brother did?
I know I'm supposed to "have my own life separate from his drug use", but how do I do that, not "nag or otherwise enable" AND stay with him?
I have done a stupid thing. My ex-husband had totally destroyed my credit (in PA, they split up debt 50-50 no matter who earns more; no matter who signed all of the credit card slips). Those accounts are now in collection. They don't give me the option of monthly payments; they want lump sums, so I have been unable to pay it down. I managed to save some money for "our future", which involves a plan to move to HI. I was too nervous to leave it in the bank in my own name because the debt collector may freeze my funds. So I put it into my SO's account.
And now he's using again. The next day after I showed him that I trusted him by putting the money into his account to protect it from debt collectors, he bought more and did it in the house behind my back AGAIN. There is no end to this betrayal it seems.
After we have had conversations about this- he has told me over and over that he "doesn't want to do it anymore". He "doesn't need help to stop", et cetera. After crying together and pledging to each other that we want a future together because we love each other...
My love for him is dying, my hope for a future with him is dying, my hope for ANY kind of future is dying. We are stuck in a lease until Aug 2006 and my credit is bad, and now I have no money. And I don't have the strength to fight with him, which I know will ensue if I request the money back. Even if I get the money back, I am stuck in the lease. The savings might keep me in a new apartment for a cuople of months, but I don't make enough to pay two rental payments a month until Aug 2006!
And I am so sad that he doesn't love me the same way. I planned on changing my whole life, with great excitement, by moving with him. He is a great guy to be around (even when he's using/killing himself, God help me for saying). I just can't stand knowing that he is actively harming himself. I can't live and love someone who is choosing a short life rather than a long one that would involve me. I know we don't control fate- either of us COULD die at any time, but he is actively pursuing his death. 'Cause "it's fun".
I don't know how to get through this. I am so upset that I cannot decide how to act. I am not going to react the same way that I did before. I am not going to overreact and give him a reason to place half the blame on me (and at the time he had a right- I was acting like a crazy person). I need to be the bigger person, to be the rational one. But, honestly I am so upset that I have lost my acting ability. I don't know how to act. I don't feel at all rational.
I slept on the couch last night because I couldn't bear to have him sleeping peacefully beside me. He is unaware that I know he was using again. And I actually told him that I was sick to my stomach and didn't want to throw up on the bed. It wasn't exactly a lie, but I didn't tell him that I have felt like throwing up since I got home yesterday after work and came upon the evidence of his use the night before. The evidence that he doesn't really want the future he has been talking about. The one I really wnated with him.
And so now I am the liar. It's not a position that I want to be in. I hate this. And I hate how I feel. And I don't know how to get myself to "let him work out his own problems" while I say nothing. This causes me to bury my feelings, which I know is bad for me and is not conducive to "taking care of myself while I let him take care of himself".
It is all a great paradox and I don't know what to do or what to say in my own home. There is no "place" now that I can feel safe and be myself, and take care of myself now.
Please, any kind of advice would be appreciated....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted by partlycloudy on March 24, 2005, at 11:55:17
In reply to AuntieMel et al, I need some advice..., posted by sunny10 on March 24, 2005, at 9:46:23
Start now to plan your future alone. Start a savings account in another town, put a little bit of money in it every week - whatever you can manage.
I saved up first, last and security for getting out of there and into my own place. You have to protect yourself - not just financially, but also emotionally and physically, and this is the first step you can take to do it.
I felt extremely empowered when I took this small action in protecting myself. It took about 9 months to save up the money - in the meantime, my ex was up to his usual tricks of deception and lying (for us it was about issues other than drugs).That's what I did, anyways. We'd been married for 18 years by the time we finally divorced.
(((((sunny10))))
Posted by sunny10 on March 24, 2005, at 12:51:49
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice... » sunny10, posted by partlycloudy on March 24, 2005, at 11:55:17
I hate myself for being too weak to "stand by my man".
But I think you're probably right; I don't have any personal resources to help ME deal with how he deals with his issues. The only family I have are family in "name" only. No one I can rely on at all. No one I can even talk to.
But I really DO fear keeping savings of any kind in a bank.
Maybe I'll ask my aunt if she would open an account I can mail deposits into...
Thanks,pc, I can honestly say that I HATE your advice, but at the same time I know you're right...sigh...
Posted by Toph on March 24, 2005, at 13:50:58
In reply to AuntieMel et al, I need some advice..., posted by sunny10 on March 24, 2005, at 9:46:23
I think pc's financial advice is wise and prudent. As with your money, I think you should also invest yourself emotionally outside your relationship. Put aside some time with your friends, your family, your coworkers. Who knows, maybe he'll notice and clean up his act. If he doesn't notice or care, I'm afraid that also reflects on his priorities. I wish what is best for you, sunny, you deserve it.
Toph
Posted by sunny10 on March 24, 2005, at 14:51:26
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice... » sunny10, posted by Toph on March 24, 2005, at 13:50:58
hmmm, that's what I do here... I have only one other friend, my family is a family in name only, and my coworkers don't hang out together...
But I did ask that one friend if he would consider opening an account in his name that I can use without the debt collectors finding out about it. I was going to ask my aunt in Gettysburg, but realized that since my cousin is in college, all of her assets are counted towards my cousin's loans and grant eligibilty...
Now all I have to do is figure out how to act like nothing is wrong for almost a year and a half...like my heart isn't breaking...How exactly do I do that?
Posted by Susan47 on March 24, 2005, at 18:27:10
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice..., posted by sunny10 on March 24, 2005, at 14:51:26
This must feel overwhelming, all of it.
I'd crumble under the pressure, I know I would because I have. Walking around bumping into things, into walls, doorways, doorknobs, countertops, seeing but not really seeing at all. Living, but not alive.
For years. I don't want that for you. You don't want that, either. You can see something is going to happen, something HAS to happen because this momentum cannot continue; things will fall apart unless something changes, and even then, things may fall apart.
You probably don't have a year and a half to wait. Because he may kill himself today, or tomorrow, and in your heart you know that; it's too much to ask anyone to live with, isn't it? Is it? I don't know. Only you can answer ...
Understanding why he does it might help you feel closer to him, if that's what you want. I can tell you he doesn't do it only because "it's fun".
It's much, much more than that. Unless you've been there you don't know. I don't know what it's like for him, either. Drugs are not the things they were twenty or thirty years ago, even five ... they're incredibly powerful. But you can't feel the wonderfulness of it without understanding the need in others.
It's just one of those things. To someone who "needs" it, the drug is life itself, it's a slice of living. It's awful, horrible, because you can never do that for yourself, you're always reaching, reaching, without the drug there is a caul over me, reaching into my soul, but with it, with it I can fly, really and truly, and I can see the flight reflected in the eyes of the world. And when I see the end coming, the end is in sight, now, and the dead feelings are coming back, where's the next hit, where Is It, I can't live in this state, this is horrible, if this is life they can have it ... that's what it's like for me, and the stupid thing about it all is that if I could just stop the feelings of panic about being alone, being just me by myself, and okay with that, and know that I am powerful and good and strong and whole, and beautiful in my way and loved and living, I wouldn't need to look anywhere else. If I had that feeling, the powerful Love feeling, if I mentally exercised, I KNOW I can make it happen for me without any help.
I know that, but I the drug makes me weak, and every time I take it it makes me weaker, but I don't feel weaker, I feel stronger, you see, because the more I take it the better the numbing effect, and the better the numbing the weaker I become... numb.... good, that's so good...ah, better, this is good, I love life...then the slowing down, "reality" starts to intrude, I can't take it, I'm not strong enough to do this alone, I'm not who I thought I just was, I liked that person so much, I need the magic, please oh just give me that feeling again, I promise I'll be stronger next time, I'm sure, in fact, that if I do a bit less this time I can wean myself... I have to wean myself, you know, it's a gradual process ...So in that way I can really sympathize with SO, and I have to admit I probably would like him if I met him IRL. But he would scare me, too. The intensity of the drug he's doing would drive someone like me absolutely insane. I'd be afraid of being around him. I would also end up sleeping on the couch. Because I'd know who he really is, who he really WAS, and who he isn't right now, maybe not ever again, and I can't take that personally, it wouldn't be my fault, would it? Would it be my fault he was like that, would I feel like I had to stay so I could make it better? I might. Yup, I might all right.
In spite of the fact that this is so horrible, thanks for wanting me to be here, Sunny. I hope I had something helpful to say, and if I didn't, I can certainly try again?
You're up against it, and I'm so sorry and sad and I'm here if you need me you know that Sunny.
Posted by sunny10 on March 25, 2005, at 7:03:38
In reply to Sunny, posted by Susan47 on March 24, 2005, at 18:27:10
Besides the fact that he's killing someone I love, he is now killing that love by lying to me. It actually came up last night. My stomach has just been a mess, so I'm sick and I just want to be left alone. He came upstairs and started a fight. So I let him know all of the OTHER things in life that are weighing on me... the dad stuff he knows- the work stuff he didn't know, and then I told him that he wasn't talking to me, either- about quitting, and saying no, et cetera. I didn't actually say "like you promised me you would because you knew how important I think communication is". So I asked him, when was the last time he used? He said, "the last time you caught me". I said "what, like two weeks ago?" He said yeah. He lied. He doesn't know that I know he used between Saturday and Wednesday. I didn't tell him. So now I know for sure, this is the way life with him would go. Lies and deceit. Lies and deceit kill any love; slowly and painfully.
I died a little more inside when I realized that he felt no guilt at all, and didn't feel the need to come clean, tell the truth, or even to quit at all. In his mind, everything is fine as long as I don't "catch him". As if the problem is not that he uses and lies, but whether or not he gets caught. He has no intention of quitting. He really thinks that I'm pathetic enough to believe him. That means that he doesn't know me, thus he never loved me. And it means I've been stupid to think that he ever did.
I'm never letting anyone get close to me again. Obviuosly AuntieMel was right when she suggested that my "picker's broke". He picked me this time, but I let him. So obviously I am a horrible judge of character if I'm attracted to someone... I'd rather be alone than hurt every time.
That's where we're a little different, Suze. I don't mind being alone. It's safer.
It's funny, my SO thinks I'm a basket case. I haven't ever had ups and downs in short periods of time before. I have always been a long-cycle major depresive. I'm talking YEARS between major depressive cycles. I'm at WEEKS now. But living with lies and fear for a loved one's life can do that to a person, I guess. Safer for me not to love and not to care. I'll just let him keep lying - eventually all of the love will be gone and I won't hurt like I'm hurting now...
Posted by partlycloudy on March 25, 2005, at 7:45:36
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice..., posted by sunny10 on March 24, 2005, at 14:51:26
Sunny, have you consulted a lawyer at all about your financial concerns? During my fiasco we had debt collectors coming after us for a defaulted mortgage (I won't bother with the long sad story except that he hid the ENTIRE thing from me), and I insisted we see a lawyer for advice.
The initial appointment for assessment was free and we were able to settle the debt for a fraction of the entire amount. It was after that I was advised (by another lawyer I saw about starting divorce procedings) to start a new account - in my name, because we had settled the debt already - and start socking my money away.
I ended up, because I had initiated the offer of settling the debt and had acted in good faith, not having any credit problems at all.
I am so sorry for all of what you are going through. I know I am only adressing one small aspect of it, but I wanted to offer you a large and healing hug.
(((((sunnny10))))
Posted by sunny10 on March 25, 2005, at 9:06:33
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice... » sunny10, posted by partlycloudy on March 25, 2005, at 7:45:36
that debt was from divorce proceedings. A lawyer wouldn't have helped because it was a court that assigned that debt to me.
I didn't have any money at all, then. By the time I could afford to make monthly payemnts on it, I was told they wanted lump sum payments. I didn't have that kind of money, and I did try to get a lawyer for free- even tried going through NAMI, but no one near Philly would do it for free- still needed a lump sum payment to pay the lawyer!!
And the "debtfree" types of organizations couldn't get their lower payments within my payment abilities. Can you imagine they told me to ask my boss for a $226.00 a week raise???!!??? What planet do THEY come from???
It is just "start over" for me... the end of the seven years since "date of last transaction" is almost up for a great portion of the debt. I am within my rights as a US citizen to have it stricken from my record. That's WHY the debt collectors are leaving "legal sounding" messages on my answering machine. I know the next step for them is to go to court to freeze my funds; I've done my research...
I am stuck just waiting it out and hoping that their judge will see that I have never signed anything (thus there is no date of last activity) with these debt collectors. The debt collectors make money because they are counting on the american public not to know their rights, and the judges to be lazy...
My entire life is in a state of limbo at the moment. Just siting here, waiting for the ax to fall and hoping that I will not be hurt too badly, both fiscally and emotionally...
Posted by partlycloudy on March 25, 2005, at 9:39:02
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice... » partlycloudy, posted by sunny10 on March 25, 2005, at 9:06:33
Posted by TamaraJ on March 25, 2005, at 16:42:58
In reply to AuntieMel et al, I need some advice..., posted by sunny10 on March 24, 2005, at 9:46:23
Sunny,
I am sorry you are going through such a difficult and trying time. I don't know if such a thing exists in the state or city you live in, but perhaps you try to find out if there is an organization that provides advice and support to women in need (a Women's Credit Union, which we have where I live or a Women's Support Network). What I am thinking about is being able to get free financial and other advice specifically geared toward women in similar situations. I don't know if what I am saying makes any sense. Anyway, perhaps what you can also look at doing is putting your savings in some kind of a short-term trust in your son's name, that you can access when the time comes that you need it. Also, I know financially you have said you can not afford the place where you live on your own, but could you try to find a reliable roommate who would share half of the expenses so that you can ask your boyfriend to move out, if that is what you want to do. Just a few ideas FWIW.
My thoughts are with you Sunny.
Tamara
Posted by AuntieMel on March 25, 2005, at 18:39:21
In reply to AuntieMel? I need your advice..., posted by sunny10 on March 24, 2005, at 9:34:32
I was hauling my mom to her doctors all day yesterday.
>>>>>>>how, exactly, do I make myself stop caring that my SO is killing himself? How do I "act like" it doesn't bother me that we will have no future together if he kills himself with a coke anuerism like his brother did?
You can't. The day you stop caring is they day to call it quits.
The hardest, but most important, thing is to separate your feelings towards him from your feelings about what he's doing. It's perfect normal to love the person and hate the actions. And I don't see any reason you should be quiet about that - as long as it is clear that you're not making a personal attack on *him*
All of the things you are thinking can be said if you keep in mind two things - don't try to talk to him when he's high - and don't shout and accuse him. The first one is a waste of breath and the second one will only make him defiant.
And do not think that he doesn't love you the same way. Keep reminding yourself - IT'S THE DRUGS TALKING.
He's loving you the best way he knows right now.
And if he likes it or not, he does need help. When he says he needs help you can quote Dr. Phil "how's that been working so far?"
Would he go to a meeting if you went, too? Is an intervention an option? What would happen if you started going to al-anon meetings? Hey - if anyone can help you get perspective the al-anonies can. They've all been right where you are.
-------------------------------------------
Now - financials. Rule no. 1 (you just learned the hard way) NEVER give money to an addict. There's a guy in my wednesday group that owes the IRS 500K. When he lost his job, he cashed out his 401(k) plan - 1.2Mil - and didn't pay taxes on it. The money all went up his nose and now he's broke, hoping for govt disability. He wants to try movint every year or two till the statute of limitations runs out.
Credit card companies want their money. They do not want you to declare bankrupcy. Do *not* talk to the collection agencies - they don't care. Try calling the cards directly and see if you can work out a payment plan and see if they will waive the interest. You probably won't get anyone useful at first, so ask for that person's supervisor. Be honest, tell them you would like to pay your bills and avoid bankruptcy, but you can't pay the full amount right now.
If that doesn't work, you can try one of the consumer debt counseling agencies, but be very, very careful. Some of them can be ripoffs.
And for rent? Who says you should pay for 2 places? If it comes to that, you aren't the one snorting the rent money.
{Arg. Should I say more? Push submit or not? I'm afraid I've been too blunt. what to do, what to do}softer: please take good care of yourself. I'm leaving for home now, but I'll try to check in over the weekend. kisses.
Posted by sunny10 on March 25, 2005, at 22:02:25
In reply to Re: Wow, sorry sunny. I just saw this., posted by AuntieMel on March 25, 2005, at 15:11:59
no problem, you're not my therapist! When I ask for advice, I take it how and when it comes, no need for apologies.
My message to pc shuold clear up where I am in the financial realm- the credit card companies don't even own my debt anymore- they've sold it to collection agencies. Well, if yuo want more info, ck out the other post...
I'm hanging on as best as I can. Numbness is where I am right now.
Posted by mynamehere on March 28, 2005, at 11:47:54
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice..., posted by sunny10 on March 24, 2005, at 12:51:49
Your story is heart-breaking. Drug addiction is so horribly insidious. Your comment about hating yourself for being too weak to "stand by your man" struck a chord for me. What about him stepping up to BE A MAN and seeking help for himself? I can relate to your story because I used to be the guy who used and lied - over and over again. Looking back on it, my girlfriend at the time used very good judgement to break our relationship. She tried to hold on and she did for a long time...but she eventually wised up. It wasn't until I lost just about all of the people in my life due to my addictions that I truly saught help. Take care and be good to yourself.
> I hate myself for being too weak to "stand by my man".
> But I think you're probably right; I don't have any personal resources to help ME deal with how he deals with his issues. The only family I have are family in "name" only. No one I can rely on at all. No one I can even talk to.
> But I really DO fear keeping savings of any kind in a bank.
> Maybe I'll ask my aunt if she would open an account I can mail deposits into...
> Thanks,pc, I can honestly say that I HATE your advice, but at the same time I know you're right...sigh...
Posted by sunny10 on March 29, 2005, at 8:45:44
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice..., posted by mynamehere on March 28, 2005, at 11:47:54
The part that I struggle with THE MOST is the fact that I have my demons, too... Not drugs, but low self-esteem, fear that I am paranoid, et cetera. The paranoia rears its ugly head at times like last night, when I decided to go upstairs and take a bath.
I'm lying in the tub, when I hear my SO come verrrry quietly up the stairs, down the hall, and into his closet where he keeps a lockbox. One to which he is the only keyholder. I hear the lock, then the drawer slide open/then closed/then the lock again. I don't hear much after that- and he is not usually a quiet person. I think maybe I'm crazy, but then I hear the ice clink in his drink as he passes the bathroom door; again, verrry quietly.
I am now in the tub, not relaxed at all, and all I can think of doing is catching him at it. I am extremely agitated, so I get out of the tub, giving up on my hour of relaxation. Later on, I am on the couch, watching tv. He comes and joins me. I try to act like nothing is wrong; my feet slide into his lap, across the pocket where he usually carries the little plastic zipper bag when he suddenly jumps up and goes to the bathroom.
But throughout all of this drama going on in my head about the "actions he has been taking" all evening; his eyes are not dilated and glacier- (they ARE a bit bleary from rum) his forehead isn't peeled upwards and his brows up (a usual sign he is coked up).
So I have to ask myself, am I crazy? How can I trust him again? If I ask if he is using again, he'll lie.
So we get to the nitty-gritty. How do I know whether he is a good person or a bad person? How much of the deceit and lies is the drug adddiction and how much is the man himself? And how much of the problem is now me being hypervigilant? How do I learn to trust again?
But, in true self-preservation, the most important question to me right now is whether this person is actually the good soul that I thought him to be before he started using again- or, perhaps more accurately, before I REALIZED he had started using again (or maybe it is that he has always been using, but I was too naive to notice)...
Does any of this make sense? I loved the person that I lived with before I realized that he was actively involved in shortening his own life just to get high. I'm not sure anymore whether that person I loved exists (hidden by addictive behavior), or was I just believing a bunch of lies the whole time?
Any ideas on this one?
Thanks,
sunny10
Posted by mynamehere on March 29, 2005, at 12:27:44
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice... » mynamehere, posted by sunny10 on March 29, 2005, at 8:45:44
Yes, I have many ideas regarding your story :) I had some serious paranoia of my own last night and didn't sleep much at all, but I still may be able to add some insight for you. In my opinion, any persistent ingored problem doesn't go away on its own and can become devestating. It requires facing the fear and taking some sort of action.
No, I do not think that it's likely that you are "crazy." I imagine that he has a world of hurt underneath his addictions. (most addicts do) :) How can you trust him again? Do you think that he would be willing to get help?Addictions/lies/deceit are tough to recover from...but I've seen many other relationships make it through absolute Hell & back. It IS possible! Drugs, especially cocaine, really mess with one's personality and emotions. It seems obvious that something needs to change for the two of you. My personal opinion is that the cocaine is one of the main ingredients. When he stopped using the last time, did he go through any sort of program/support group? Would he be willing to seek more help? This is brutal stuff. Be kind to yourself.
> The part that I struggle with THE MOST is the fact that I have my demons, too... Not drugs, but low self-esteem, fear that I am paranoid, et cetera. The paranoia rears its ugly head at times like last night, when I decided to go upstairs and take a bath.
>
> I'm lying in the tub, when I hear my SO come verrrry quietly up the stairs, down the hall, and into his closet where he keeps a lockbox. One to which he is the only keyholder. I hear the lock, then the drawer slide open/then closed/then the lock again. I don't hear much after that- and he is not usually a quiet person. I think maybe I'm crazy, but then I hear the ice clink in his drink as he passes the bathroom door; again, verrry quietly.
>
> I am now in the tub, not relaxed at all, and all I can think of doing is catching him at it. I am extremely agitated, so I get out of the tub, giving up on my hour of relaxation. Later on, I am on the couch, watching tv. He comes and joins me. I try to act like nothing is wrong; my feet slide into his lap, across the pocket where he usually carries the little plastic zipper bag when he suddenly jumps up and goes to the bathroom.
>
> But throughout all of this drama going on in my head about the "actions he has been taking" all evening; his eyes are not dilated and glacier- (they ARE a bit bleary from rum) his forehead isn't peeled upwards and his brows up (a usual sign he is coked up).
>
> So I have to ask myself, am I crazy? How can I trust him again? If I ask if he is using again, he'll lie.
>
> So we get to the nitty-gritty. How do I know whether he is a good person or a bad person? How much of the deceit and lies is the drug adddiction and how much is the man himself? And how much of the problem is now me being hypervigilant? How do I learn to trust again?
>
> But, in true self-preservation, the most important question to me right now is whether this person is actually the good soul that I thought him to be before he started using again- or, perhaps more accurately, before I REALIZED he had started using again (or maybe it is that he has always been using, but I was too naive to notice)...
>
> Does any of this make sense? I loved the person that I lived with before I realized that he was actively involved in shortening his own life just to get high. I'm not sure anymore whether that person I loved exists (hidden by addictive behavior), or was I just believing a bunch of lies the whole time?
>
> Any ideas on this one?
>
> Thanks,
> sunny10
Posted by sunny10 on March 29, 2005, at 13:50:48
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice... » sunny10, posted by mynamehere on March 29, 2005, at 12:27:44
he considers himself an alpha male; capable of beating these things on his own...
Posted by sunny10 on March 29, 2005, at 13:52:07
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice... » sunny10, posted by mynamehere on March 29, 2005, at 12:27:44
and the real issue is whether I believe that he's actually trying to quit again, or just trying to find new ways to pull the wool over my eyes...
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 29, 2005, at 14:08:58
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice... » mynamehere, posted by sunny10 on March 29, 2005, at 13:52:07
((((sunny))))
Assuming you had a daughter, and she came to you detailing the same situation you are in now, what would you tell her?
Posted by mynamehere on March 29, 2005, at 14:28:34
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice... » mynamehere, posted by sunny10 on March 29, 2005, at 13:50:48
That's impressive if he can. I don't know of anyone who has kicked cocaine on their own and had a subsequently happy life... man or woman.
> he considers himself an alpha male; capable of beating these things on his own...
Posted by sunny10 on March 30, 2005, at 11:05:39
In reply to what would you say, posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 29, 2005, at 14:08:58
I would tell her to get some advice from people who are well-versed in the subject of addictions...
I know you think this is a cop-out, but part of what I am dealing with here is whether I can trust myself to "pick a good person"... I wouldn't want my daughter to have those same questions at the back of HER head!!!
Posted by sunny10 on March 30, 2005, at 11:06:50
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice..., posted by mynamehere on March 29, 2005, at 14:28:34
so the next time I catch him using, I should tell him that it's rehab or me?
Posted by sunny10 on March 30, 2005, at 11:12:38
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice..., posted by mynamehere on March 29, 2005, at 14:28:34
the biggest problem I face is that I am concerned for his health.
He is "a recreational user"- meaning that he has never gone on a binge so bad that he didn't show up for work, et cetera...He is not "hitting rock bottom", so to speak.
I just am afraid that his long-term "recreational use" will lead him to the same anuerism that killed his brother (same "recreational long-term use" and no other medical reason for this anuerism was found)...
How do I know whether this is even "addiction"? How do I know whether he is just lying when he says he wants to stop, but hasn't- is that a sign of addiction or a sign of a man who is a lying piece of sh*t?
Are you understanding where my questions come in?
I am so completely naive about drugs that I have no idea what I'm talking about, except that I'm scared he'll die like his brother...
Posted by AuntieMel on April 1, 2005, at 16:15:33
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice..., posted by sunny10 on March 30, 2005, at 11:12:38
DSM-IV criteria
For abuse:
# A maladaptive pattern of substance use leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by one (or more) of the following, occurring within a 12-month period:
1. recurrent substance use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, home (e.g., repeated absences or poor work performance related to substance use; substance-related absences, suspensions, or expulsions from school; neglect of children or household)
2. recurrent substance use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (e.g., driving an automobile or operating a machine when impaired by substance use)
3. recurrent substance-related legal problems (e.g., arrests for substance-related disorderly conduct)
4. continued substance use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of the substance (e.g., arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication, physical fights)
# The symptoms have never met the criteria for Substance Dependence for this class of substances.
Dependence:
* A maladaptive pattern of substance use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:
1. tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
o a need for markedly increased amounts of the substance to achieve intoxication or desired effect
o markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of substance2. withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:
o the characteristic withdrawal syndrome for the substance
o the same (or a closely related) substance is taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms3. the substance is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended
4. there is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control substance use
5. a great deal of time is spent in activities to obtain the substance, use the substance, or recover from its effects
6. important social, occupational or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of substance use
7. the substance use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance (e.g., continued drinking despite recognition that an ulcer was made worse by alcohol consumption)
Posted by AuntieMel on April 1, 2005, at 16:26:47
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice..., posted by sunny10 on March 30, 2005, at 11:12:38
You are having all the doubts someone living with an addict/abuser does.
Being able to go to work every day means nothing. I went every day and was even quite functional.
I don't think he's lying when he says he wants to stop. I just don't think he has realized the power a drug can have over you.
One of the oldest AA sayings (I think) - "If we could do it alone we would." People don't go to meetings for the coffee.
Anyway, I was always one of those 'I can do it myself' people, but this was the one time in my life where I was wrong. It was a blow to my pride, but I got over it.
This coming from a person who's very first overseas trip was to an east european city, english rarely spoken, where I knew going into it I was going to have to somehow get to the train station, buy a ticket, find the platform (I'd never been on a train either) and head to another town. Nervous? You bet. Admit it? No way!
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