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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 1, 2005, at 8:26:06
After they are no longer lovers?
I keep hoping so. I have lost my best friend who became my lover, and after the "lover" status stopped, I lost the friendship, and I miss that terribly, as well as the rest of the relationship.
Many people I know say that their partner is their best friend, but I would be hard pressed to say that I think that's a good thing. Because to lose one is to lose the other, and it's so very hard to not have that one person that you tell everything to, the one you talk to everyday and talk about things like the weather, the state of the union, the new sheets you bought, their job, your job, EVERYTHING.
I say this because the one person whom I loved more than life itself, and my best friend for 4 years has made an attempt at contact. When things got bad, and really ended, I begged for us to remain friends, he agreed. But of course there has been no friendship for a year now. I'm just wondering, can we pick up a friendship again if nothing else?AdaGrace
Posted by Tamar on October 1, 2005, at 19:26:26
In reply to Can Lovers be Friends?, posted by AdaGrace on October 1, 2005, at 8:26:06
> After they are no longer lovers?
Well, anything is possible. But I think it would be difficult to go from friends to lovers and then back to platonic friendship. Nevertheless, if both of you are up to the challenge, you might be able to do it.
I reckon you would have to be completely honest, though, both with yourself and with your friend. Are you absolutely certain the love affair is over? Can you accept that the love affair is over, or are you hoping you might become sexually involved again? Are you absolutely certain the thing you really want is friendship? Is there a danger that your feelings about the end of the sexual part of it might intrude in the newly established friendship? If you have mixed feelings about it then you can probably be friends, but you might need to take it very slowly.
If you haven’t seen each other for a year you might be able to do it. But it will be hard if you’re still feeling hurt and confused about the end of the relationship. I hope you’re able to work it out together.
Good luck!
Tamar
Posted by Damos on October 3, 2005, at 18:02:00
In reply to Can Lovers be Friends?, posted by AdaGrace on October 1, 2005, at 8:26:06
Hey Gracie,
I can only say please be careful.
Be careful that he's not simply trying to re-kindle the friendship because it suits him now, for whatever reason. Don't let yourself be the convenient fall-back friend. You deserve better than that. You deserve to know that he wants your friendship for what you and it bring to his life, not because the novelty of whatever has separated you for a year has worn off. You deserve nothing less than total honesty. You also need to be totally honest with yourself. BTW, if you tried to maintain the friendship before this, how did he respond to you?
Don't want to see you hurt again Gracie. Setting and maintaining your boundaries are really important.
(((((AdaGrace)))))
Posted by AdaGrace on October 3, 2005, at 18:43:13
In reply to Re: Can Lovers be Friends?, posted by Damos on October 3, 2005, at 18:02:00
I was hoping you would respond Damos. I know you are right.
Actually there has been no actual conversation, just a request to be added back to his friends list. Which I accepted, without much hope actually of anything else. I know what is going on. He misses me, or he is having trouble in his current relationship which makes him turn to me for comfort. I know the score. I just have to say that no matter what, I will keep my heart guarded and kept safe. I just want to say that if he does initiate a conversation, I would like to respond. This person knows my inside out. And I know him the same way, or at least I'd like to think I do. I miss him. I miss his love of course, but I miss his friendship as well. There was nothing like it. I could tell him anything....and did. But if it doesn't come to pass I will survive. I've survived losing his love, I have survived losing his friendship, and i will survive not being able to rekindle the friendship if that is what is to be.
I will love him forever though. That I know. That I live, sleep and breathe.
Posted by Damos on October 3, 2005, at 19:22:35
In reply to Re: Can Lovers be Friends? » Damos, posted by AdaGrace on October 3, 2005, at 18:43:13
What you have said is basically what I wrote in the previous post and deleted about me and M*, because I needed to hear it from you.
We are friends I guess but really I'm "When all else fails can Damos cause he'll still talk to me." I know this and accept it. That there'll only be contact when she needs supporting or whatever. But it's my choice to continue to love now. To love her and her son as best I can. To have boundaries and to hold them fast, slowly she is getting used to them and we can still talk and laugh and reminisce and that is good cause no-one has known me as long as she has. We just do it a lot less often now. I think we actually have more respect for each other now. No condemnation or recrimination. Regrets? Yes. Sadness? Yes. But that's life. We live and we learn, so I'm told. Guess I must just be very slow on the uptake.
I'll always be honoured to be your friend Gracie, always.
This is the end of the thread.
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