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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by crazy teresa on September 14, 2005, at 9:03:59
In reply to My husband was going to have an affair...., posted by LadyBug on September 14, 2005, at 0:02:05
I'm so sorry for the pain you're suffering. Don't give up hope on your marriage. Things can be worked out if you're both willing to. It will be hard work, but very possible with a good marriage counselor.
Posted by fairywings on September 14, 2005, at 9:46:20
In reply to My husband was going to have an affair...., posted by LadyBug on September 14, 2005, at 0:02:05
Hi ladybug,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm glad you had the presence of mind to respond to the email, keep the phone, and tell the woman what the affair was doing to your lives. I know how devastated you are right now, but try not to give up on the marriage, at least not now why you are so hurt. Will your husband go to marriage counseling? If you can get into counseling, and try to work through this, then maybe your marriage will be stronger, esp. if he is truly remorseful for what he's done.
First and foremost though, I'd think that he should NOT be working with that woman, or ever seeing her for any reason, or ever communicating with her. If he is her boss, he should mover her elsewhere or let her go. Most companies have policies where affairs between bosses and subordinates are not allowed and one has to leave. There would be no good reason for them to come face to face every day. Of course she could sue for sexual harrassment, so maybe moving her would be better, i don't know.
The other thing I think is that people often get caught up in the excitment of an affair without ever considering the ramifications. Sounds stupid, but people just don't think sometimes. I'm not excusing what they did, not at all, there is not excuse. But people sometimes just don't stop to consider that the feelings are fleeting, and that for that fleeting feeling they might be giving up what has taken 20 years to build, and in the process destroy your life, and the lives of your children.
(((hugs)))
fw
Posted by caraher on September 14, 2005, at 14:31:12
In reply to My husband was going to have an affair...., posted by LadyBug on September 14, 2005, at 0:02:05
It's not over if you (and he) don't want it to be.
You asked how someone can be interested in someone else and love their spouse. It happens every day, to millions of married people! People are just built to be attracted to others, and a wedding ring does switch that off. Love for a spouse lies in what one does with that attraction for someone else.
Your pain is understandable, and it definitely sounds like your husband was entertaining an affair. Whether or not anything physical happened he seems to have crossed the line that faithfulness to you should create. Your future with him rests on whether he learns where that line should be and honors it -- and whether you can become satisfied that he's done so.
Sorry to hear about your discovery, and may you have the best of luck in the trying days ahead!
Posted by wildcard on September 14, 2005, at 14:35:18
In reply to My husband was going to have an affair...., posted by LadyBug on September 14, 2005, at 0:02:05
Posted by LadyBug on September 14, 2005, at 18:08:28
In reply to My husband was going to have an affair...., posted by LadyBug on September 14, 2005, at 0:02:05
Thank you to all that have replied. I agree with everything that you each wrote.
Today I have been bummed out. I sent him a text message while I was at work telling him I was hurting and wish it wasn't this way. He doesn't have internet access at his work, at least not private so it does no good to e-mail him. I dont want to call him becasue we always end up in a fight and the topic always turns to what has happened.
Is this a nightmare?? I could only wish, but I'm afraid it's real.
I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and the time to reply. It helps to vent to someone that knows nothing about us etc.
THANKS
LadyBug
Posted by Tamar on September 14, 2005, at 19:12:52
In reply to My husband was going to have an affair...., posted by LadyBug on September 14, 2005, at 0:02:05
Gosh, LadyBug, that sounds terribly hard. I can imagine you’re furious, and hurt, and shocked. I’m glad to hear they didn’t do the sex part, but in some ways that’s also hard because it’s easy to wonder what would have happened if things had gone further.
By some strange coincidence I happened to read an online article today by someone who was talking about why affairs happen and how to overcome the sense of betrayal. It might be useful to you. Here’s the URL:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/glass.htmlI hope you manage to work things out together. As long as he’s prepared to be both honest and contrite I think you probably have a good chance of success.
Tamar
Posted by LadyBug on September 15, 2005, at 14:31:58
In reply to Re: My husband was going to have an affair.... » LadyBug, posted by Tamar on September 14, 2005, at 19:12:52
Thanks for the web site, I will read it. As soon as I get done posting this!!! I know our marriage has been suffering greatly for the last 3 years of it. Lots of other problems enter in.
My husband is a recovering addict and that is a rollercoaster ride in and of itself........
Thanks again!!!
LadyBug
Posted by LadyBug on September 16, 2005, at 7:42:11
In reply to Re: My husband was going to have an affair.... » LadyBug, posted by Tamar on September 14, 2005, at 19:12:52
Great read!!! I am printing 2 copies out. I will give one to my husband to read. He needs to **GET IT**. Maybe this will help him see that he did betray me even though there was no sex.... I'm still not sure I want to stay in a marriage where I can't trust even to the slighest degree..
I'll be babbling more I'm pretty certain of that. And my therapist insists on working with me more than normal.
Thanks again, it is awesome!!! I learned a lot from reading it.
LadyBug
Posted by crazy teresa on September 18, 2005, at 2:56:29
In reply to Re: an affair....Thanks Tamar, posted by LadyBug on September 16, 2005, at 7:42:11
Posted by LadyBug on September 18, 2005, at 10:26:32
In reply to What's the verdict? Did he get it? (nm) » LadyBug, posted by crazy teresa on September 18, 2005, at 2:56:29
I think he's starting to **get it**. The pages I printed out made him aware that he indeed has betrayed me and done wrong. We are at a very difficult place in our marriage now. He took off last night, out of his character, so I figured he decided to go see the 3rd party because he wouldn't answer his cell phone. I was sure he was either with her or heading out for a relapse as a recovering alcoholic/addict. If he was headed out for a replapse I knew we were in major trouble because he would never come home alive. That's just the point of where he would end up.
After he finally called me, yes he was headed out for a relapse and had the strength to change his mind and come back home. That in itself is a miracle.
We have a lot of work to do no matter if we choose to stay married or not. Right now I'm not sure what I want to do, I guess a lot of it depends on what he can bring to the table. If he thinks he can sweep this under a rug and pretend nothing ever happened then our marriage won't survive. Right now it's a daily adventure. I was up till about 3:00 am and so today I am wiped out emotionally.
I will have to babble more later as I'm sure I will need too.
LadyBug
Posted by wildcard on September 18, 2005, at 11:11:08
In reply to Re: What's the verdict? Did he get it? » crazy teresa, posted by LadyBug on September 18, 2005, at 10:26:32
Well w/ all u are going through, u sure have ur thoughts together and a plan in action. That shows immense strength. I know ur hurt, betrayed, every emotion imaginable but u seem to be hangin on! U have to look deep into YOUR heart and ask urself if anything he does will restore how u feel. It sure as hell wont heal ur broken heart and i'm sorry ur hurting. Will u ever be comfortable when he is not where he says and doesnt answer the phone? I know people that have overcome similiar situations and i know people that lost who *they* were by trying to work things out but had no trust. Whatever u do, we will stand by u and support u 100%! U hang in there Miss LadyBug!!!
Posted by LadyBug on September 18, 2005, at 13:58:29
In reply to (((((LadyBug))))) » LadyBug, posted by wildcard on September 18, 2005, at 11:11:08
Thanks Wildcard. I think being in therapy with my therapist for 8 1/2 years has given me a lot of tools to use. And I have her to hold on to right now and to help me sort things out. And I have God in my life. I owe a lot to Him as well. I trust him completly and know that He will help me sort things out.
Thanks Wildcard for your support!! I appreciate it a bunch!
LadyBug
Posted by crazy teresa on September 18, 2005, at 22:02:31
In reply to Re: (((((LadyBug))))) » wildcard, posted by LadyBug on September 18, 2005, at 13:58:29
Even if it's just a little baby step.
crazy t
Posted by LadyBug on September 28, 2005, at 23:33:22
In reply to My husband was going to have an affair...., posted by LadyBug on September 14, 2005, at 0:02:05
The last month has been really intense between my husband and I. I am low and lower!! I have a hard time trying to deal with the pain of him having feelings for someone else. And last week he had a relapse with drinking. That makes matters worse. He's a mess! Our finances are a mess because of him. I want to leave in many ways, but I know divorce is forever and so much garbage is involved. But I'm not going to allow him to treat me like pond scum. I'm better than that. He can either get his sh** together or I will have to find a way to leave no matter how I have to survive. For now, I'm trying to give him a chance and not push him away because if I do, he will only become frustrated and stop trying all together. This is so hard to be where I am right now. I'm under so much stress it beats me up.
I'm just venting here, but I'm sure some of you understand some of what I'm going through. But this truely is the last straw with me. He needs to make some changes and get back on track or I'm done. I've given him over 20 years of chances, sometimes they are tempory and we get by till the next disaster that he creates.
I'm tired!!!!!!!!
LadyBug
Posted by wildcard on September 28, 2005, at 23:56:47
In reply to Re: My husband was going to have an affair...., posted by LadyBug on September 28, 2005, at 23:33:22
I know it's a hard place to be and i'm sorry ur going through this. I am glad u have self worth enough to know how u deserve to be treated! I know u will make it through this darkness, no matter what! Hang on and hang in there. One day at a time. (((hugs)))
Posted by LadyBug on September 30, 2005, at 19:49:58
In reply to Re: My husband was going to have an affair.... » LadyBug, posted by wildcard on September 28, 2005, at 23:56:47
my
husband
got
fired
today
because
of
his
involment
with
the
other
woman....
my
keyboard
has
gone
bonkers
the
space
key
won't
work.
sorry
it
looks
like
this.
i'm
leaving
my
21
year
marriage
asap.
i'm
done
being
hurt.....
Ladybug
Posted by Tamar on October 1, 2005, at 19:07:48
In reply to Re: My husband gotfired, posted by LadyBug on September 30, 2005, at 19:49:58
Gosh, that's terrible. I've never understood why people get fired for stuff like that... I'm guessing that makes things even harder for you.
Have you thought about doing marriage therapy? I think it's useful even if you decide to leave, because even ending a marriage involves interacting with the other person.
I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope things get better for you soon.
Tamar
Posted by wildcard on October 1, 2005, at 19:16:26
In reply to Re: My husband gotfired, posted by LadyBug on September 30, 2005, at 19:49:58
>Only u can decide what is best for u. Take the time u need and deserve. I personally do not think that i cld. stay w/ someone through all of what ur going through but that is me. Maybe marriage counseling could help? 21 years is a very long time. Have u written down the pros vs the cons? Stay strong no matter what!
Posted by LadyBug on October 1, 2005, at 22:14:11
In reply to Re: My husband gotfired » LadyBug, posted by wildcard on October 1, 2005, at 19:16:26
thanks for responding,
my heart is ripped out of my chest. The fact he was fired for his involment with this girl is a killer. She will now go on with her life, she did't lose her job since she is the one that turned him in. And he deserved it! He blames it all on her!!!! Whatever!!!!!!!
i know I can't move out any time real soon, i don't have the means since I only work part time. Dang, I wish I could go today, that would be good with me. It is hard to be in the same house with a person that has hurt me so deeply. Earlier in the week, I had a bit of hope that we might be able to put things back together. Then yesterday when he called and said he had been fired over the whole situation, that seemed to be the last straw. If he wasn't such a liar, or if he wasn't an addict/alcoholic, I might consider trying to work through things. I know divorce is going to be hard. But I think he's done so many things to me over the years I can't tolerate being with him let alone to be his wife. It's time he suffers the consequences of his sh**, instead of me always fixing things for him. Not this time, I will fix my own life with the love and support of those around me that do care and love me. I have a very supportive family and some very supportive friends. My daughters are awesome too. It's hard to realize many of my life time dreams will never come true. I will have to have new dreams.
He had a relapse with drinking last week and I'm hoping that won't be an issue for now. When I move out, he can do what ever the he** he wants. He will no longer have to lie to me about what he's been doing. He is one SICK dude!!! Sad for him, yes the very core of him is a good person, unfortunatly he has an illness I can't cure, and I didn't cause it.
I'm still down and out and this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. It just doesn't feel good to know that he was involved with someone else. Maybe I'll never know the truth of things and that might be a good thing. Enough is enough.
Thanks for your replies. It helps me to put things out here.
LadyBug
Posted by fairywings on October 2, 2005, at 9:24:27
In reply to Re: My husband got fired tamr,wildcard, posted by LadyBug on October 1, 2005, at 22:14:11
I'm so sorry daisy. just make sure you do whatever you have to do to take care of you and your daughters since it's come to this. hire the best lawyer you can afford and protect yourself. then when your back on your feet, with the help of your support, get your life back together as best you can with as much therapy as you can.
fw
Posted by caraher on October 3, 2005, at 10:38:10
In reply to Re: My husband got fired tamr,wildcard, posted by LadyBug on October 1, 2005, at 22:14:11
I'm sorry to hear about that. (This other woman must be a real prize... she "turned him in?" Sounds like your husband is the big loser in this whole transaction...)
Take good care of yourself and let us know how you're doing. I wish you the best in the difficult times ahead!
Posted by happyflower on October 3, 2005, at 12:46:46
In reply to Re: ((((LadyBug)))), posted by caraher on October 3, 2005, at 10:38:10
Posted by LadyBug on October 3, 2005, at 22:37:50
In reply to Re: My husband gotfired, posted by LadyBug on September 30, 2005, at 19:49:58
Posted by Joslynn on October 4, 2005, at 14:33:55
In reply to Re: THANKS A TON EVERYONE!!!! (nm), posted by LadyBug on October 3, 2005, at 22:37:50
Your head must be just reeling. Do you go to alanon, for families and friends of alcoholics? Regardless of what you decide, it's for people who have been affected by someone's addiction. It doesn't "fix" the other person, but helps you get stronger and more grounded. If you don't already go, you may want to check it out. Here is their link: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Posted by LadyBug on October 4, 2005, at 18:54:03
In reply to Re: THANKS A TON EVERYONE!!!!, posted by Joslynn on October 4, 2005, at 14:33:55
Thanks Joslyn, I've been a member of Alanon for several years. I've been more active some years than other. I've been faithfully going for the past 2 1/2 years!! It's been a life saver. The steps mean so much to me. I realize I don't control other people. I try to focus on my own side of the steet. Thanks for the recommendation and the link. I will never graduate from this program, it continues to work as long as I work at it.
Thanks so much!!
LadyBug
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