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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sleepygirl on September 27, 2005, at 21:51:54
Hi,
You know I'm engaged, have been for a while now. What really bothers me however is that my fiance and I have sex 1-2 times a year, yes, you read that correctly, that's PER YEAR. He's pretty unresponsive emotionally, physically. It's getting to the point where I crave any physical touch- just casually, not sexually or anything. When I see my friends I look forward to hugging them. I have a coworker who puts her hand on my shoulder without even a thought about it, and it occurred to me today that I really need just the simple physical contact. It's really hurting me, sort of bad for my health I think not to have much warm physical contact, sexually and not sexually.I'm thinking about going to get a massage or something just for the physical contact, but that's CRAZY I think. I'm engaged. I shouldn't have this problem. He is so cold sometimes. It's killing me.
This is why the date is NOT set. I get this question all the time. "When are you getting married?"
Do I really want to sign up for decades more of this? So much of me says - I don't think so.
Posted by JenStar on September 28, 2005, at 2:33:59
In reply to physical affection, posted by sleepygirl on September 27, 2005, at 21:51:54
hi sleepygirl,
that amount of sex does seem to be on the low side, at least for people who are "having' sex. Do either of you have religious or other concerns about sex before marriage?Are there and medical reasons why sex is not happening?
Otherwise...it's seems that you've become more of a fraternal, friendly couple than a love match, if that makes sense?
Have you talked honestly to your fiancee about this, and how you need more? What does he say about it? Does he have answers?
I agree that more is necessary for a full relationship! Why have you stuck it out this long...did he used to be more affectionate/physical?
How did you two become engaged?
I'm sorry about this.
JenStar
Posted by sleepygirl on September 28, 2005, at 10:31:22
In reply to Re: physical affection » sleepygirl, posted by JenStar on September 28, 2005, at 2:33:59
Hi JenStar,
No we don't have any religious or medical concerns that would keep us from having sex.
We have become a fraternal, friendly couple.
I have spoken to him about this on a number of occasions and he gets extraordinarily defensive.
This is a guy I started dating when I was 17 (I am now 31). He has been my only really serious relationship. In the beginning we had lots of sex, but he's never been really warm. In the beginning I think it was what I needed. I had a very difficult childhood/adolescence.We've been engaged about 6 years now. I put it on hold about 5 years ago because I didn't feel ready, needed more time in therapy to work out stuff - I could barely communicate.
I've asked him to go to counseling with me a couple of times, and again he gets really defensive and feels threatened. He hasn't really pushed for the engagement to move forward to marriage, and I don't think that I, yet again, can be the one to make that happen.
So we've been in this limbo for quite a long time. Nothing's happening, I love him, I REALLY do, but I don't want to beg anyone to be closer to me, to do what it takes for us to move forward, it feels pathetic and desperately sad. So we remain companions - and hence the reason for my post.
As I read this I realize what a tremendous bummer this is. I apologize for being such a downer. :-( I will find a way...to do something.
Thanks,
sleepygirl
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 28, 2005, at 11:23:05
In reply to physical affection, posted by sleepygirl on September 27, 2005, at 21:51:54
sleepy,
Any indications he might be gay? If both of you were quite young when you started dating, either sexual orientation could not quite have been known or he had urges but being gay may not have been as socially acceptable as it is today.
I'm not being flip here. I think it may be a reasonable explanation. Any thoughts?
Posted by crazy teresa on September 28, 2005, at 12:36:22
In reply to physical affection, posted by sleepygirl on September 27, 2005, at 21:51:54
I hate to tell you, sleepy, but marriage is REALLY hard. If all he does is get defensive and is unwilling to try to solve any issues you are bringing up now, he certainly won't be changing just because you've gotten married. If anything, he may be less inclined to do anything once he has the security of marriage.
Quite honestly, when life really sucks, sometimes the only thing worth looking forward to is getting into bed with my husband. It puts things into perspective. You start to remember what is important in life. That's the one thing that can make me feel better, loved, worthy, important, etc., when I feel the opposite from the rest of the world.
As hard as it may be, move on. Even if you'd never had sex with him, the attitude you've described is not one I'd want to saddle myself with for the rest of my life.
crazy t
Posted by Annierose on September 28, 2005, at 18:38:17
In reply to Re: physical affection » sleepygirl, posted by crazy teresa on September 28, 2005, at 12:36:22
I agree with the above posters. Listen to that YELLOW FLAG that is screaming inside your head. Marriage will only exaggerate all of your concerns. And the sexual relationship you desire will not happen just because he has a ring on his finger. He is defensive for a reason. Something is bothering him (and it's not YOU). He is avoiding intimacy, you need to find out why. Maybe you'll be great friends for a long long time, but in a marriage, sex is an important element (even though I struggle with frequent sex myself ... it's way more than 2x per year).
Are you still in therapy? I would continue to talk about this with your T if you are. I'm glad you have not set a date yet. You are right to have concerns. Our inner voice seldom leads us astray.
Thinking of you and wishing you the best of luck.
Posted by crazy teresa on September 28, 2005, at 18:57:04
In reply to Re: physical affection, posted by Annierose on September 28, 2005, at 18:38:17
Posted by sleepygirl on September 28, 2005, at 22:41:15
In reply to Re: physical affection, posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 28, 2005, at 11:23:05
That question has been raised before by my friends. No, I think he's quite heterosexual. I've never picked up any indication that he might be otherwise. You know I sort of wish he was. That would somehow make things easier I think. He behaves quite asexually actually...and I've checked to see if porn sites have been visited on the computer, asked him about masturbation (I thought geez! there's got to be SOME kind of action going on!) he gets really embarrassed and refuses to discuss it. He's just not into it. :-(
Thanks for the response,
sleepydoesn'tgetanyactiongirl
Posted by sleepygirl on September 28, 2005, at 22:45:48
In reply to Re: physical affection, posted by Annierose on September 28, 2005, at 18:38:17
I went to therapy today quite honestly unaware of why I'm feeling irritable lately (duh!) and proceeded to talk about my one good friend who's 8 and a half months pregnant and the other one who just got engaged a few days ago. I was a mess, a complete and total mess. This sucks, really, really sucks. There's just no two ways about it. Denial my friend is sometimes a wonderful thing-so much for that.
Thanks for the response,
sleepyain'tgotnolovin'girl
Posted by sleepygirl on September 28, 2005, at 22:46:18
In reply to Re: physical affection, posted by sleepygirl on September 28, 2005, at 22:45:48
Posted by sleepygirl on September 28, 2005, at 22:50:53
In reply to Re: physical affection » sleepygirl, posted by crazy teresa on September 28, 2005, at 12:36:22
Hence my resistance to setting the date. It seems that I haven't had to get married though to keep myself in an unpleasant situation. My family asks me all the time when am I going to get married. My heart just sinks :-( My therapist suggested I write him a letter, he's less defensive that way. I really need some strength, holy crap.
Thanks for the response,
sleepysofuckedbutnotinagoodwaygirl
Posted by sleepygirl on September 28, 2005, at 22:51:15
In reply to Re: physical affection, posted by sleepygirl on September 28, 2005, at 22:50:53
Posted by crazy teresa on September 29, 2005, at 7:12:13
In reply to Re: physical affection, posted by sleepygirl on September 28, 2005, at 22:50:53
I'm sorry, your new name made me smile. I know it's not a fun situation tho.
Are you living together? Is the sex good when you have it?
Do you think there is an under lying cause from his past like abuse? Was sex dirty according to his parents?
I hope you're not thinking that YOU are the reason he doesn't want to. It doesn't make sense that he could that long without sex physically, does it?
Other than no sex, how is your relationship?
Posted by 10derHeart on September 29, 2005, at 11:24:37
In reply to Re: physical affection, posted by sleepygirl on September 28, 2005, at 22:50:53
I understand so much of this more than I know how to say. Both the need for physical affection and a relationship w/little to no sex.
I'll try to post about it in a next couple days.
Just for now, though...pssssst....
I'm sure you really meant to write
sleepysof*ckedbutnotinagoodwaygirl
....asterisks are our friends... ;-)
Auto-system won't catch it when you use a made up word like that, so I am helping...
10der-tryingtoavoidaPBCforyou-Heart
Posted by sleepygirl on September 29, 2005, at 17:34:02
In reply to Re: physical affection » sleepygirl, posted by 10derHeart on September 29, 2005, at 11:24:37
Posted by sleepygirl on September 29, 2005, at 17:38:55
In reply to Is that name a permanent change? LOL! » sleepygirl, posted by crazy teresa on September 29, 2005, at 7:12:13
I'm glad you like it. I do try to maintain a sense of humor. I have to say....I tried to talk more about this, but I don't think I can right now. Reality bites. I'm going to write him a letter. We're pretty distant really - it's killing me. I don't know if he and I are even on the same planet. Sex is awful if one person isn't really interested. It's just a terrible reminder of what is not there.
I gotta go space out for a while. I'm going to be OK, I just can't think about this too much right now.
Thanks,
sleepygirl
Posted by Angela2 on September 29, 2005, at 19:06:54
In reply to physical affection, posted by sleepygirl on September 27, 2005, at 21:51:54
Hey, I'm sorry things aren't going so well. It seems like you have the answer already by reading your post. But I don't want to say anything that would lead you to do something you don't really want to do. Whatever you do, be sure to weigh your options and listen to your heart. ((((sleepygirl)))))
Posted by Dr. Bob on October 2, 2005, at 6:35:11
In reply to Re: physical affection » sleepygirl, posted by 10derHeart on September 29, 2005, at 11:24:37
Posted by Annierose on October 3, 2005, at 16:38:00
In reply to Re: Is that name a permanent change? LOL! » crazy teresa, posted by sleepygirl on September 29, 2005, at 17:38:55
Sleepygirl ...
When you write: "we're pretty distant - it's killing me" there is your answer. That is NOT a way to start a marriage, it's a reason people use to end one. And marriage makes every problem BIGGER. If sex is a problem now, it will be a problem later.
I have been married twice. The first time I knew walking down the aisle it wouldn't work out. Wish I saved myself the pain and expense of a divorce.
Having said that, I know it sounds strong. And this is ultimatley your life. Just weigh the options, think before committing. Keep talking about it in therapy.
Good Luck
Posted by Damos on October 6, 2005, at 19:47:04
In reply to physical affection, posted by sleepygirl on September 27, 2005, at 21:51:54
Sorry I didn't reply to your original post. By the time I'd sorted out what I wanted to say you'd posted that your wanted/need to let it go. And there was nothing I could say that would have things any easier or the pain any less either.
Just wanted to check that you're okay, because I'm worried about you. Don't need to respond or nothing. Just know you're in my thoughts.
Posted by Racer on October 8, 2005, at 2:36:26
In reply to physical affection, posted by sleepygirl on September 27, 2005, at 21:51:54
Sorry, someone'sprobably said this already, but I'm too tired to read through all this.
Listen to that littlevoice saying, "Can I stand a lifetime of this?" Listen to it and heed it.
My husband and I had a great sex life -- until we moved in together and then married. Now we're in the once or twice a year catagory, and he's not very cuddly, either. It's terrible for my depression, my anorexia, etc.
By the way, if this really is The One And Only for you in every other way, hie thee to a marriage counselor before deciding to set a date. Why is there so little physical affection between you? Is it fixable?
Good luck.
Posted by sleepygirl on October 8, 2005, at 23:00:38
In reply to You okay ?????? » sleepygirl, posted by Damos on October 6, 2005, at 19:47:04
Hi Damos,
Yes I'm doing OK. I just went through a bit of a rough patch there. I have a tendency to get pretty sad when I think about the situation. I can handle it, just not all at once. I'm gathering strength...hopefully The issue is certainly not dead, just taking a nap.
Thanks,
sleepygirl
Posted by sleepygirl on October 8, 2005, at 23:03:58
In reply to Re: physical affection » sleepygirl, posted by Racer on October 8, 2005, at 2:36:26
My fiance is just not terribly affectionate - I feel like I force it on him. I knew it from the start, but I didn't want to know it.
I've asked him to go to counseling a couple of times, no way he said. Uncomfortable with intimacy often = uncomfortable with therapy
Is it fixable? - no,
can it be a bit better? - we shall see
Thanks for the response,
sleepygirl
Posted by fairywings on October 10, 2005, at 23:22:19
In reply to physical affection, posted by sleepygirl on September 27, 2005, at 21:51:54
I'd say, from what you've said, marriage is not a good idea with this man. If he's physically and emotionally unresponsive, and he's even "cold", then do you really want to commit to him? If, on the other hand, you're really in love with him, and he'll do intensive, very intensive couples therapy with the best therapist you can find, then maybe you can work it out, otherwise you might want to rethink marrying him.
My dh and I have been married almost 20 years, I cant' imagine making it through the tough times w/someone who's cold. You will need someone to be your partner, to love you and cherish you and your marriage, someone to hold you and make you feel wanted. Plus someone who's cold and unresponsive, isn't the kind of person you want to be a father to any kids you might have, is it?
I don't blame you for craving touch, everyone NEEDs touch! Go get a massage! Sounds like you could use it!
fw
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