![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by d1alla on August 14, 2005, at 10:29:37
I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years about six months ago because despite the fact that I loved him I felt so unhappy. I was very young when we met which may have been the problem. since we broke up I can,t stop crying. i feel out of control,failing my exams,staying out all night, speeding in my car and being with men I dont even like. I miss him so much but neither of us are willing to get back together despite how much we feel for each other. We want very different things in life. I just feel so hurt and lost.
Posted by Susan47 on August 14, 2005, at 13:24:34
In reply to broken heart, posted by d1alla on August 14, 2005, at 10:29:37
God I'm so sorry. Four years is a long time, isn't it? But as you get older it doesn't seem so long, anymore.. d'you know what? Get a therapist and anti-depressants, lean on your friends, try new things, hot air ballooning might be more fun than screaming around in your car endangering lives, and ... maybe you'll fall in love again, and be properly happy.... wish I could follow my own advice, you know how it is... Keep posting, you'll get through this but it's horrible to feel abandoned and alone. Really.
Posted by sunny10 on August 16, 2005, at 8:49:48
In reply to Re: broken heart, posted by Susan47 on August 14, 2005, at 13:24:34
growing apart is very hard. I know that you feel awful right now. Is it possible for you two to become friends? Putting someone out of your life completely after spending, for you, a significant part of your life with is very, very hard.
While I applaud you both for realizing that you want different things out of life, I wish for you that you can still be a part of each other's lives as friends. Friends often lead very different lives, but still enjoy each other's company immensely.
In the meantime, you are perfectly right to cry, to act out, et cetera. Just be safe, like Susan said.
Take care and remember you can find comfort here with all of us. A lot of us have had similar experiences and know how important it is to be able to have somewhere to go. Even if it's just to vent!
-sunny10
Posted by d1alla on August 16, 2005, at 12:45:57
In reply to Re: broken heart, posted by sunny10 on August 16, 2005, at 8:49:48
Nothing in my life matters any more. We were one of those couples that spent every monute together and i just dont know how to feel or what to do. I refuse to take anything to help ease this pain but at the same time I just wish i could be better again. Im with a new man and I dont even like him but its comforting in a way
Posted by sunny10 on August 17, 2005, at 8:44:47
In reply to Re: broken heart, posted by d1alla on August 16, 2005, at 12:45:57
you can't replace people.
You say you don't even like this new guy.
Don't put yourself in the same position you are in now. If you "get used to" being with this person you don't even like, you will still wind up alone in the end.
Plus, you will start to become disenchanted with men in general.
That's really unfair to do to yourself.
It's really hard to start spending a lot of time by yourself, but it's do-able.
You need to allow yourself the time to grieve.
Don't hide behind a new man and not allow yourself to grieve.
As I tell most people, feel free to tell me to put my "advice" where the sun doesn't shine, if you'd like...
-sunny10
Posted by d1alla on August 17, 2005, at 17:54:55
In reply to Re: broken heart, posted by sunny10 on August 17, 2005, at 8:44:47
I just want to be able to move on in my life and try to piece together whats left. I actually know very little about myself other than im naieve and extremely sensitive and lost. I know that I will find love but I feel incapable of it right now or in the near future. I just want to try to feel normal and not always be so upset but i dont know how. i still love him. I feel like ill never find anyone like him. I have no confidence in myself anymore. Im just so lost.
Posted by sunny10 on August 18, 2005, at 8:42:29
In reply to Re: broken heart, posted by d1alla on August 17, 2005, at 17:54:55
over time you will start to feel better and not so lost.
Take care of yourself in the meantime.
-sunny10
Posted by Damos on August 18, 2005, at 17:21:51
In reply to Re: broken heart, posted by d1alla on August 17, 2005, at 17:54:55
dlalla, please listen to Sunny, she's is one of my most precious and trusted friends and really knows what she's talking about. You cannot find yourself in someone else, but others can help you find your way to you, as so many here have and are helping me each and every day.
Trust me, love has a way of finding you in ways and places you've never imagined. Finding yourself can also be a bit like looking for your car keys. The harder you look the less likely you are to find them. Try to relax and just let yourself be and you will find you were right there all the time, you just couldn't see yourself.
Hope you feel safe and welcome here and will stay with us a while.
Posted by d1alla on August 19, 2005, at 14:04:59
In reply to Re: broken heart, posted by Damos on August 18, 2005, at 17:21:51
Damos, susan and sunny I really appreciate your advice. I know that hiding behind someone is not the way to move on and I know what I have to do. The last few weeks have been pretty painful because I finally started to deal with whats happened. Im not as angry anymore. I have accepted that the way I released my pain was dangerous. I finally feel like I have someone who wants to listen and who has some proper advice for me. All my friends are too young to have experienced love. I miss him but if i hadnt of done this i would have always had to sacrifice my own happiness and lived in his shadow. I would have never met the wonderful people that are now in my life and i would have never made the stupid mistakes that we all make when we're young.
Posted by d1alla on October 24, 2005, at 4:50:50
In reply to Re: broken heart, posted by Damos on August 18, 2005, at 17:21:51
The last time i posted here i really thought i could do this but im not as strong as i thought. i took everyones advice and i am going for counselling but nothing seems to work. i actally came very close to doing something that i thought i never would and while i find it so hard to believe i could get that low-I did!!!! I just have felt like this for 8 months and im tired. my life is falling apart
Posted by ClearSkies on October 24, 2005, at 8:09:46
In reply to Re: broken heart, posted by d1alla on October 24, 2005, at 4:50:50
> The last time i posted here i really thought i could do this but im not as strong as i thought. i took everyones advice and i am going for counselling but nothing seems to work. i actally came very close to doing something that i thought i never would and while i find it so hard to believe i could get that low-I did!!!! I just have felt like this for 8 months and im tired. my life is falling apart
Hello, d1alla. I know you are struggling still. Please give yourself lots of time to recover. This grieving process is different for each of us; there is no "getting over it" but it will diminish and fade. It's no comfort at the moment, but I can tell you that things WILL get better.
ClearSkies
Posted by d1alla on October 24, 2005, at 10:30:08
In reply to Re: broken heart » d1alla, posted by ClearSkies on October 24, 2005, at 8:09:46
i just have been fighting for so long and to be honest its getting to a point where i just cant take it. every day is so painful. I still love him as much as i ever did and he told me just a week ago that im beautiful and he loves me. please give me advise on what im doing wrong.
Posted by ClearSkies on October 24, 2005, at 16:04:23
In reply to Re: broken heart, posted by d1alla on October 24, 2005, at 10:30:08
> i just have been fighting for so long and to be honest its getting to a point where i just cant take it. every day is so painful. I still love him as much as i ever did and he told me just a week ago that im beautiful and he loves me. please give me advise on what im doing wrong.
I don't think there is a wrong way to feel here... if you and your ex aren't planning to get back together, you can still feel love for each other. You're still beautiful. These things don't change when you decide that you aren't compatible partners. I don't think they have to be exclusive, either. You can love someone like mad and not stand to be with them. Doesn't it come down to what you want out of a relationship, what you want out of a life together?
So bittersweet and painful. To go forward with my life, I had to do it physically: I moved away to help leave behind the relationship that had ended.
Posted by d1alla on October 25, 2005, at 6:04:03
In reply to Re: broken heart » d1alla, posted by ClearSkies on October 24, 2005, at 16:04:23
He was my best-friend,the love of my life and my whole world. I presume it was the same for you. We were very happy together but we were holding each other back because we were so young and wanted to experience life a bit. It dosn't change that we love each other and that we were great together. Im sure we could make it work but its a chance that neither of us are willing to take after all of the pain. having faced a break-up yourself, how did u move on. I presume you had days where u really felt like there was nothing left for you in life and nobody who understood or cared for that matter. I have always been bad at coping with things and it makes something so big extremly painful.
Posted by ClearSkies on October 25, 2005, at 6:56:29
In reply to Re: broken heart, posted by d1alla on October 25, 2005, at 6:04:03
> He was my best-friend,the love of my life and my whole world. I presume it was the same for you.
>I presume you had days where u really felt like there was nothing left for you in life and nobody who understood or cared for that matter. I have always been bad at coping with things and it makes something so big extremly painful.
He was my husband for 18 years. We had made a life together, and when that life ended I was devastated; just torn down and left crumpled on the ground. I then went from being a heavy drinker to becoming a full fledged alcoholic. I lost job after job, struggling with the new definition of who I had become without my ex husband. The grieving process is no different, no matter what we have lost in our lives. it doesn't even matter who initiated the end of the marriage! - a loss is a loss.
Although our relationship's time span differs from your circumstances, the reason and result for our breakup was the same. Our lives' paths diverged and being together was no longer a possibility. Although I have remarried since then (6 years ago), I still live with the effects of the divorce, every day. Therapy has been the best thing for me; next to my sobriety. I longer beat myself with a figurative willow branch at what I lost when the marriage ended. It has taken so much time to do this!! So much longer than I ever thought it would.
Posted by d1alla on October 25, 2005, at 7:12:10
In reply to Re: broken heart » d1alla, posted by ClearSkies on October 25, 2005, at 6:56:29
Thank you for sharing your own experience with me. I really was starting to think that my feelings were absurd but like you did I am struggling to find who I am without him. Our relationship ending has brought alot of friends into my life but I lack so much confidence and really dont feel like Im good enuf but I know these feelings are very natural. They can be also hard to control. Do u have any advise on how I can cope with these emotions? Its like my head knows that its for the best but in my heart I still feel like we could somehow have made it work. Did you ever doubt your decision? When your life fell apart how did u pull it all together?
Posted by ClearSkies on October 25, 2005, at 11:19:39
In reply to Re: broken heart, posted by d1alla on October 25, 2005, at 7:12:10
> Did you ever doubt your decision?
My doubts about what we'd done came and went with no rhyme or reason. I'd be OK for weeks, going forward and geting to know myself again; then something would happen (anything, really) - and I'd think, "I gotta call xxx and tell him!" All over again my fragile world would crumble apart. These are new habits we are developing. Learning to live alone and being content by myself was a rough journey for me. Some women feel liberated by their divorces; I felt inferior and that I had utterly failed in life.
When your life fell apart how did u pull it all together?
I threw myself into new activities, new jobs, new hobbies. Looking back it feels like I was running away from my past and who I'd been. All the running around did not make me feel any better about myself, and I spiralled into depression and anxiety, and sought therapy. Eventually I slowed down, became more introspective, and started working on my inner landscape. Most of my new friends dropped off, as they had become friends through the workplace. As I fled from job to job, the friends stayed behind. I explored, through therapy, reading lots and lots and lots of books! and journalling; just how I define myself. It was no longer possible - and it was never healthy - for me to think of myself in terms of the old relationship. Instead of two entire souls who had come together, we had instead been made "complete" by the other. What an illusion that was, and so bitterly realized.
Posted by d1alla on October 26, 2005, at 7:58:00
In reply to Repairing a: broken heart » d1alla, posted by ClearSkies on October 25, 2005, at 11:19:39
Yeh thats what i id. I kept busy all the time and my family and even my ex became worried. I have now become deeply depressed and some days I can fight it but others i just get tired of it and cant stop crying.its really hard. Him being in my life i think held me back from moving on but hes gone now because i asked him too. I just miss what we had.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Relationships | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.