Psycho-Babble Relationships Thread 573235

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 30. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations?

Posted by gardenergirl on October 29, 2005, at 23:30:36

Because he has the emotional expression skills of a turnip?

Because he handles his negative emotions like an adolescent?

Because I actually married a replicant of my father?

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

You know what? Once these special days are ruined, you can't ever get them back. And that just hurts more than words.

gg

 

What happened? (nm) » gardenergirl

Posted by crazy teresa on October 30, 2005, at 0:24:38

In reply to Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations?, posted by gardenergirl on October 29, 2005, at 23:30:36

 

Re: (((((gg)))))

Posted by All Done on October 30, 2005, at 2:45:20

In reply to Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations?, posted by gardenergirl on October 29, 2005, at 23:30:36

Oh, gg. I'm so sorry your celebration didn't go as you had planned and that it hurts so much.

It might not help much now, but I know you have good judgement and there are lots of great reasons you married him. I'm just sorry he didn't remind you of those today. He will, though. Maybe when you're not expecting it.

And I know the feeling that once a special day is ruined, you can't get it back, but, for what it's worth, I've found that the *most* special days are ones you didn't plan to be special in the first place. Those, you won't ever forget.

Big hugs, sweetie.

I'll be around tomorrow. Call me if you want to chat.

Laurie

 

Re: P.S. » gardenergirl

Posted by All Done on October 30, 2005, at 3:26:54

In reply to Re: (((((gg))))), posted by All Done on October 30, 2005, at 2:45:20

He could probably still benefit from a bop on the head. ;)

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » gardenergirl

Posted by Tamar on October 30, 2005, at 6:17:44

In reply to Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations?, posted by gardenergirl on October 29, 2005, at 23:30:36

> Because he has the emotional expression skills of a turnip?
>
> Because he handles his negative emotions like an adolescent?
>
> Because I actually married a replicant of my father?
>
> GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

(((((Gardenergirl)))))

I’m sorry. It’s so disappointing to look forward to a special day and then find it doesn’t go the way you’d hoped.

> You know what? Once these special days are ruined, you can't ever get them back. And that just hurts more than words.

Yeah. I know that my husband and I are actually particularly likely to argue on birthdays and anniversaries. And maybe it’s because we’re trying hard to make it nice, but have different ideas about what would be nice. Also, there’s a certain pressure to perform that can be stressful. Sometimes people find the pressure too much and end up being neglectful…

But it’s such a shame when you’ve been anticipating a celebration and then the other person does the wrong thing, or neglects you. It’s true, you can’t get those times back.

And yet, I agree with Laurie that the most special times are often those that haven’t been planned. I’m wishing you one of those very soon.

Tamar

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » gardenergirl

Posted by TofuEmmy on October 30, 2005, at 8:15:37

In reply to Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations?, posted by gardenergirl on October 29, 2005, at 23:30:36

It's the turnip thing sweetie. As you know, I'm oh so famliar with the problem. Seems like when anything emotional happens it's as if their ability to cope is overwhelmed and they revert to childhood behaviors...like pouting, causing ouchies, exiting grumpily, sulking, etc. I don't understand it either. Not that *I* haven't been known to engage in any of the above behaviors....but that's different. :-)

Really, I think our tolerance for emtional stuff, the good and the bad, is just higher. These gentlemen need a) to want to be different b) to work on adding healthy communication skills. I never got past "a" with mine. ("I yam what I yam...")

Miss ya snuggle buns, emmy

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » gardenergirl

Posted by rainbowbrite on October 30, 2005, at 9:23:43

In reply to Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations?, posted by gardenergirl on October 29, 2005, at 23:30:36

((((gg))))

Im sorry things didnt well.

I think in time you can get those special times back, it just takes time.....sometimes


Hang in there

 

Re: P.S. » All Done

Posted by gardenergirl on October 30, 2005, at 21:59:47

In reply to Re: P.S. » gardenergirl, posted by All Done on October 30, 2005, at 3:26:54

Thanks sweetie. Yeah, he's not all bad. He just has this one way of acting, and a certain sort of timing that's pretty devastating. Next time I wish he's just send me an email to get my attention. And my attention is something he must be trying to get. Sigh.

But it's hard to get through the pain and anger to try to begin the healing process. Good thing he's in therapy, but it would be helpful if he would talk to his T about some of this.

Thanks.

gg

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » Tamar

Posted by gardenergirl on October 30, 2005, at 22:05:28

In reply to Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » gardenergirl, posted by Tamar on October 30, 2005, at 6:17:44

Thanks for the hugs and support, Tamar.

> ... Sometimes people find the pressure too much and end up being neglectful…

Yeah, I can relate to this. Although in this case, and on my birthday this summer, he not only was neglectful, but intentionally hurtful via his neglect. It wasn't benign neglect, but an active choice. That's the hardest part for me to cope with. Although he says he doesn't know what else to do when his feelings reach that point. So he wants me to help him express his emotions more and better before he finds himself in that place again. I asked him if he could see my dilemma in wanting to avoid this happening again...wanting to help him, but at the same time, not wanting to make myself vulnerable to his doing this ever again. I feel like I should cancel Christmas as a self-protective measure. sigh

> And yet, I agree with Laurie that the most special times are often those that haven’t been planned. I’m wishing you one of those very soon.

Thanks, me too. We're going to go out on a "date" next Saturday night. In the meantime, I've put away all reminders of our anniversary, because it's just too painful to think about the loss. I hope our friends and family are done calling us to congratulate us. It's hard to explain why that makes me cry and need to get off the phone. :(
>

Still feeling sorry for myself,

gg

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » TofuEmmy

Posted by gardenergirl on October 30, 2005, at 22:09:01

In reply to Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » gardenergirl, posted by TofuEmmy on October 30, 2005, at 8:15:37

> It's the turnip thing sweetie. As you know, I'm oh so famliar with the problem. Seems like when anything emotional happens it's as if their ability to cope is overwhelmed and they revert to childhood behaviors...like pouting, causing ouchies, exiting grumpily, sulking, etc.

That's pretty much it. Tonight we got into yelling and sarcasm, too. Lovely.

>I don't understand it either. Not that *I* haven't been known to engage in any of the above behaviors....but that's different. :-)

Yeah, me too. But I don't know that intentionally hurting him has ever been on my radar. It's the admitted intentional part that I just can't get over.

>
> Really, I think our tolerance for emtional stuff, the good and the bad, is just higher. These gentlemen need a) to want to be different b) to work on adding healthy communication skills. I never got past "a" with mine. ("I yam what I yam...")

Sorry about not getting past step A. Mine hasn't exactly admitted to wanting to change, either. Although he's at the point of admitting he made a mistake. I'm not sure he's apologized, and I can't feel any remorse. But then it's hard to empathize with a turnip.
>
> Miss ya snuggle buns, emmy

You too. Have fun at your upcoming thingy.

gg

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » rainbowbrite

Posted by gardenergirl on October 30, 2005, at 22:09:32

In reply to Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » gardenergirl, posted by rainbowbrite on October 30, 2005, at 9:23:43

Thanks rain. I'm trying.

Hope you're doing well.

gg

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations?

Posted by antigua on October 31, 2005, at 8:45:06

In reply to Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » rainbowbrite, posted by gardenergirl on October 30, 2005, at 22:09:32

Sorry about this, but I can relate.

things changed for me when I quit expecting anything. I try to enjoy the celebrations for me, and not just for him. He's always bad about Thanksgiving (when my family comes) and Christmas Eve service, but now I just go along on my own, trying to make the day happy, and i've discvored that if I focus on me and not him, he actually surprises me sometimes!

How long have you married?
an old married woman,
antigua

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations?

Posted by alexandra_k on October 31, 2005, at 18:27:33

In reply to Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations?, posted by gardenergirl on October 29, 2005, at 23:30:36

((((gg))))) I'm sorry hon.
it really sucks how sometimes we just need someone to be a little caring and they just seem to close themselves off...

is there any way you guys could work on it together?

i mean... maybe... its about pressure. maybe he feels a bit of pressure to be happy and expressive and he deals with that by kind of going numb and stuff. i do that sometimes too... but then i've also been on the other side of it and it really really sucks.

i'm sorry.

i hope your date goes well.

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » antigua

Posted by gardenergirl on October 31, 2005, at 22:58:31

In reply to Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations?, posted by antigua on October 31, 2005, at 8:45:06

Hi,
Yeah, I suppose part of the problem was how much I was looking forward to things. Although he did the same thing on my birthday, and I wasn't really looking forward to or expecting anything then. Today in my therapy session, my T asked why I was so surprised that he did this again. Sigh.

It's been 10 years now, although we've been together longer than that. This behavior is new in the last year.

gg

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » alexandra_k

Posted by gardenergirl on October 31, 2005, at 23:02:24

In reply to Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations?, posted by alexandra_k on October 31, 2005, at 18:27:33

Hi,
Yeah, it really stinks. We're working on it bit by bit. It's going to take awhile, though. And it's not so much about pressure, at least I don't think. It's about his needs and hurts, and his inability to express them. And then when he feels bad enough, he does something like this.

He is not someone with a lot of close friends. Pretty much none since we moved here. Not a good situation considering I'm pretty involved with school still. And even if I were not, I can't be his only friend. It's too much pressure on me. Being intensely needed is a very triggering thing for me. My whole life I never got anything out of being needed by others. It's always pretty much been a drain on my system. Comes from being around and involved with too many narcissists (parents).

So I suppose some of the intensity of my hurt is tied up with that old stuff. Which he really couldn't predict, probably.

Still. I really really hate it.

gg

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » gardenergirl

Posted by alexandra_k on November 1, 2005, at 4:33:21

In reply to Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » alexandra_k, posted by gardenergirl on October 31, 2005, at 23:02:24

Hey. Yeah, I'm not really too sure about whats going on because I don't know that I've read all that much about this. But... I do remember you posting about your birthday and that one sounded really horrible :-(

I think it can be hard when one person has more outside friends / activities than the other. But I know what you mean about it being important for both of you to do that. Its something that is important to me too, so I get that.

And it can be hard to feel smothered too... Like someone is pretty much dependent on you. Because then I guess you pull away a bit, and then they panic a little and things escalate rather.

But sounds like...

You have been thinking about why it happens a bit...

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » alexandra_k

Posted by gardenergirl on November 1, 2005, at 6:29:53

In reply to Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » gardenergirl, posted by alexandra_k on November 1, 2005, at 4:33:21

> >
> But sounds like...
>
> You have been thinking about why it happens a bit...

LOL, no choice but to do that. My T wouldn't let me wallow yesterday. :(

gg
>

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » gardenergirl

Posted by Dinah on November 1, 2005, at 7:22:56

In reply to Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » Tamar, posted by gardenergirl on October 30, 2005, at 22:05:28

I think I'd find the deliberate part hard to handle too. And you can't fool yourself that it's not deliberate if he admits it.

I'm sure he's upset and everything, but maybe he could schedule a Grievance Day enough ahead of the special day that things can be smoothed over by the time of the day you've looked forward to.

((((gardenergirl))))

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » Dinah

Posted by gardenergirl on November 1, 2005, at 9:51:22

In reply to Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on November 1, 2005, at 7:22:56

> I think I'd find the deliberate part hard to handle too. And you can't fool yourself that it's not deliberate if he admits it.

Yeah, that's really a hard part of it. Even if I understand that he was upset, it's very cruel. And after the last time, he can't say that he couldn't predict how upset I'd be.
>
> I'm sure he's upset and everything, but maybe he could schedule a Grievance Day enough ahead of the special day that things can be smoothed over by the time of the day you've looked forward to.

I told him to send me an email. sigh

Thanks.

gg

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » gardenergirl

Posted by Damos on November 2, 2005, at 15:41:12

In reply to Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations?, posted by gardenergirl on October 29, 2005, at 23:30:36

Sorry GG only just catching up with this. Really sorry he wrecked your special day.

Question: Isn't this why they invented cast-iron frypans?

The deliberate part is what gets me. Just want to scream out "But why?" (amongst other things)

You said this behaviour is new in the last year or so, what's changed?

Well, all i can say is that everyday you're here with us is special to us.

((((((gg)))))

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » gardenergirl

Posted by allisonross on November 3, 2005, at 10:41:17

In reply to Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations?, posted by gardenergirl on October 29, 2005, at 23:30:36

> Because he has the emotional expression skills of a turnip?

LOL, I love it; I lived with a turnip (or as I used to call him; the houseplant; never wanted to do anything or go...anywhere!) for THIRTY-ONE years (thatz right, folks), but I DID live my life the way I wanted to (always he** to pay afterwards, but i am a free spirit, and he couldn't pound it out of me), LOL
>
> Because he handles his negative emotions like an adolescent?
>
> Because I actually married a replicant of my father?

We usually DO marry one of our parents (I inadvertently "married" my mother); took me a long time to figure that out, then I had to divorce my 'mother." LOL< LOL
>
> GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
>
> You know what? Once these special days are ruined, you can't ever get them back. And that just hurts more than words.

I haven't read all your posts, etc., but I expect you've discussed this with him?

Say: when you do this, I feel.......fill in the blanks

Does he CARE how you feel?

If so, what is he willing to do to change the behavior that is causing you misery?

Those are a couple of excellent questions to ask the "rain on your parade" boy

My mother did it, and the ex did it; the first glimmer of excitement from ME, (which is pretty difficult for me to hide; being the efferfescent, excitable, joyful self I am, LOL) and BLAMMO-----rained all over me/ruined the joy, etc.....
> gg

write me if you like: wacalice@aol.com

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » allisonross

Posted by gardenergirl on November 3, 2005, at 12:14:45

In reply to Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » gardenergirl, posted by allisonross on November 3, 2005, at 10:41:17

Thanks for your support. We are working on it slowly. Slowly....

gg

 

Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » gardenergirl

Posted by allisonross on November 3, 2005, at 13:01:38

In reply to Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » allisonross, posted by gardenergirl on November 3, 2005, at 12:14:45

> Thanks for your support.

You are so welcome!

We are working on it slowly. Slowly....
Good for you; keep us posted. Love, Ally
>
> gg

 

Hmm, realization today

Posted by gardenergirl on November 13, 2005, at 20:12:56

In reply to Re: Why does my husband keep ruining celebrations? » gardenergirl, posted by allisonross on November 3, 2005, at 13:01:38

Well today I threw away the roses, because they were pretty dead looking. It made me sad, because now I have nothing to show, nothing lasting to commmemorate our anniversary. Now really, do I even want to remember it? Actually, I think I do. This is a new or maybe you could say emerging hurt about this whole mess.

I know I need to tell him this, but it seems a little funny to say, "Oh by the way honey, I resent that you didn't buy me a decent and durable gift." But that's how I feel, damn it! And that feels a bit childish, although I suppose I realize it's not.

Is it too late to get me to a nunnery?

gg

 

Re: Hmm, realization today

Posted by alexandra_k on November 15, 2005, at 22:02:37

In reply to Hmm, realization today, posted by gardenergirl on November 13, 2005, at 20:12:56

((((gg))))
i'm sorry
:-(


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