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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rfs on September 3, 2006, at 18:14:21
Hi
I have been married for 24 years. Son grown working etc. I look at my wife and think that she is a good person hard working faithful, but I really don't like her. I find her annoying. I can't share feelings with her. We have nothing in common. I don't know what to do. I think if I wasn't such a chicken I would prefer to live on my own. I feel that if I did, I would isolate never wash a dish etc. I guess I am the dependent type. but I kind of think it is unhealthy for both of us.
When it comes to sex, I am really not attracted to her, overweight has had spine surgery generally out of shape. I am no better. In all honesty, when we were young and I would talk to her father I found him to be the most annoying obnoxious oppinuated person I had ever met. Oppositional. If I said Sky blue he would say no grey etc. Anyway I feel like my wife has become him. We have seen a good therapist over the years it elps a little. If I were to leave I also feel that I would be alone forever. I am very introverted timid have few friends, kind of social phobia type. Any suggestions
Ray
Posted by Declan on September 3, 2006, at 19:05:07
In reply to Marriage, posted by rfs on September 3, 2006, at 18:14:21
Could you try spending more time apart?
Do you think that might help?
Posted by rfs on September 4, 2006, at 6:09:09
In reply to Re: Marriage » rfs, posted by Declan on September 3, 2006, at 19:05:07
> Could you try spending more time apart?
>
> Do you think that might help?Hi
Mon-Fri we see each other briefly in the AM and then not until 7PM. I get out 1-2 nights aweek for a couple of hours. She does also on occasion. Just yesterday she made plans for both of us to go to a get together (maybe 10 people) some couples some without there spouse. Normally she has a fit if I decline an invite like that.Part of the reason is my withdrawal/isolation and part is these are work friends and they talk about work and I sit around feeling like an idiot because I don't work with them.
Also, this is difficult to say, but when we are out in public I worry that she will embaras me. 2 examples. Sat. night, went to movie with sister & B-inlaw. While waiting outside under awning (b/c it was raining she turns around an says in a loud voice, to the womwn behind her, stop pushing me. The women had her arms folded and everybody was being pushed because more people were trying to get under the awning then posible. A few words get passes back and forth and wife says to women if you touch me again I will punch you in the face. (WIfe 48 years old-Pusher 55+) 2nd example, at a museum and about to see a short film clip. half empty seating a 12 year old girl sits in front of my wife and wife says do you have to sit right in front of me. Girls mother ushers her away. There have been numerous other incidences. She also likes to tease (embarrass) me in groups) I do a little bit of that myself. I get easily embarrassed, she almost never gets embarrassed.
Other problem, when we drive together she is constantly giving advice, like where to park how fast to drive etc. Funny thing is she drives like a maniac. She has contol issues. I see her as unkind, lacking compassion, when she doesn't get her way she stamps her feet (Expression) I think she uses anger to contro me and others. It seems easier sometimes to give in then deal with her anger. She is a bit of a drama Queen. slams doors storms out of house when we are arguing. She goes outof her wayto find fault with something I have done. Painting, she looks for the spot I missed etc. Also, she and other family members are quick to give advice and go on and on. Doesn't matter if she has any real knowledge in the area or not. I think she has returned 99% of the gifts I have bought her. It is like she is above all of us and is supervising the world. She will not hesitate to ask me to do a 100 little chores when we are home. If I ask her for some help, she makes exscuses gets mad. She critisises almost every I do. Last point (promise) Wife likes to take the position regarding sex that she is doing me some thought of favor, as opposed to mutual enjoyment.
Ray I guess thats enogh for now
Ray
Posted by Jost on September 4, 2006, at 11:33:56
In reply to Re: Marriage, posted by rfs on September 4, 2006, at 6:09:09
Hi, Ray.
From reading these two posts, I get the feeling that your wife has a tendency to be dissatisfied and quick to anger. Also impulsive, so that she says and does things that are not thought through --like threatening another person, or criticizing someone who sits in front of her.
It's as if you both feel out of place with one another-- not accepted, and also not able to work together, at odds or almost against one another, and maybe yourselves.
Have you tried individual T? do you use any ADs or anti=anxiety meds? Does your wife? Is she depressed?
Are there times when you get along and have good moments?
Jost
Posted by rfs on September 4, 2006, at 16:45:47
In reply to Re: Marriage » rfs, posted by Jost on September 4, 2006, at 11:33:56
> Hi, Ray.
>
> From reading these two posts, I get the feeling that your wife has a tendency to be dissatisfied and quick to anger. Also impulsive, so that she says and does things that are not thought through --like threatening another person, or criticizing someone who sits in front of her.
>
> It's as if you both feel out of place with one another-- not accepted, and also not able to work together, at odds or almost against one another, and maybe yourselves.
>
> Have you tried individual T? do you use any ADs or anti=anxiety meds? Does your wife? Is she depressed?
>
> Are there times when you get along and have good moments?
>
> JostHi
I am in therapy. My wife has beem. I take both AD & anti anxiety medication. (I feel they have helped me tremendously) My wife does not. I have suggested that she might benefit from medication, as you might imagine that didn't go over well. Often I think she is suffering from depression or a anger disorder. I should have mentioned she is 48 and is going through menapause. There are times when we get along. Not many though. I feel as though I am walking on eggs, most of the time. I do feel out of place with her. We seem to become very different. She seems to be more "sophiticated" while I seem to be a lot more run of the mill. She likes going to go to different restaurants while I could eat a delux buger everyday. She is organized and I am not. She functions well in business and I don't. I am a lot more sensitive then her. Although very intelligent in some areas verbal skills etc. She seems to lack an understanding of her own or others motivation. She has not spoken to her father in about 10 years, until recently. He is ill/dying. She jokes that he said to her that he gets upset after speaking to her. She wonders why, as the fact that he is ill might have an effect on him. He walked away from his family over 20 years ago. She said that she wishes that he was already dead. She seems to have zero sympathy for him. My own father was ill and dying a few years back. We had a poor relationship, but I went and sat with him everyday the last month of his life. It just didn't seem right for him to die alone.
Ray
Posted by Declan on September 5, 2006, at 20:00:52
In reply to Marriage, posted by rfs on September 3, 2006, at 18:14:21
You've thought about divorce, I guess.
Not a good idea?
Posted by caraher on September 5, 2006, at 21:37:10
In reply to Marriage, posted by rfs on September 3, 2006, at 18:14:21
I just wonder... what was it like when you decided to marry? How much of the negative was there back then, and how much of the positive are you simply no longer cultivating?
Posted by curtm on September 7, 2006, at 14:44:16
In reply to Marriage, posted by rfs on September 3, 2006, at 18:14:21
I have not been married that long, so take my suggestion with a block of salt. I do know that relationships are constantly changing and most of us do not adapt to change well. We are secure in our lives, our routines and our habits. We fall into ruts and slumps because of that and need some change in our relationships. What exactly, I don't know. It's different for everybody I would assume. Maybe some skydiving or deep sea exploration? Just kidding.
Do you feel this way? Have you talked about those feelings? Has your wife? What if you came home and said to her, "Honey, let's change our life and make it fun and exciting. What do you think would be fun to do tonight?"
Posted by llrrrpp on September 9, 2006, at 11:57:53
In reply to Re: Marriage » rfs, posted by curtm on September 7, 2006, at 14:44:16
Hi Ray,
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. It sounds very difficult. I work with a woman who fits many of the personality characteristics that you use to describe your wife.Usually my coworker's negativity and fault-finding controlling angry behavior is very closely related to a life-change. My guess is that menopause and empty-nesting have taken their toll on your wife. Her reaction to stress is to pick on others. It must be miserable to be her punching bag.
It might be a good time to suggest that your wife to back to individual's Therapy. I'm not sure how difficult this will be for her to accept, but tell her she seems stressed, and that she doesn't seem happy or satisfied. Tell her that you would like to do what you can to help the marriage, but that being her punching bag is not the solution.
Her stubborness to take medications is something best handled delicately. She sounds like the kind of person who, when told or asked to do something directly gets defensive. BUT, if you plant a seed in her head... like- I wonder whether the new medications that they're coming out with will be better than the old ones? I'm thinking about asking my doctor/therapist... let it slide for a week or so... then ask her if she would ever consider medication. How bad would it have to be for her to consider it? ...
Sounds pretty tricky.
Other suggestions:
Trial separation (worked well for my parents)
Back to the marriage counselorbest of luck to you, Ray
-ll
Posted by idolamine on September 10, 2006, at 22:52:29
In reply to Re: Marriage, posted by rfs on September 4, 2006, at 6:09:09
man f*ck that bitch. She's making you feel bad about yourself. Get away from her and don't talk to her and you'll feel sh*tty for awhile and then much better about yourself.
> > Could you try spending more time apart?
> >
> > Do you think that might help?
>
> Hi
> Mon-Fri we see each other briefly in the AM and then not until 7PM. I get out 1-2 nights aweek for a couple of hours. She does also on occasion. Just yesterday she made plans for both of us to go to a get together (maybe 10 people) some couples some without there spouse. Normally she has a fit if I decline an invite like that.Part of the reason is my withdrawal/isolation and part is these are work friends and they talk about work and I sit around feeling like an idiot because I don't work with them.
> Also, this is difficult to say, but when we are out in public I worry that she will embaras me. 2 examples. Sat. night, went to movie with sister & B-inlaw. While waiting outside under awning (b/c it was raining she turns around an says in a loud voice, to the womwn behind her, stop pushing me. The women had her arms folded and everybody was being pushed because more people were trying to get under the awning then posible. A few words get passes back and forth and wife says to women if you touch me again I will punch you in the face. (WIfe 48 years old-Pusher 55+) 2nd example, at a museum and about to see a short film clip. half empty seating a 12 year old girl sits in front of my wife and wife says do you have to sit right in front of me. Girls mother ushers her away. There have been numerous other incidences. She also likes to tease (embarrass) me in groups) I do a little bit of that myself. I get easily embarrassed, she almost never gets embarrassed.
> Other problem, when we drive together she is constantly giving advice, like where to park how fast to drive etc. Funny thing is she drives like a maniac. She has contol issues. I see her as unkind, lacking compassion, when she doesn't get her way she stamps her feet (Expression) I think she uses anger to contro me and others. It seems easier sometimes to give in then deal with her anger. She is a bit of a drama Queen. slams doors storms out of house when we are arguing. She goes outof her wayto find fault with something I have done. Painting, she looks for the spot I missed etc. Also, she and other family members are quick to give advice and go on and on. Doesn't matter if she has any real knowledge in the area or not. I think she has returned 99% of the gifts I have bought her. It is like she is above all of us and is supervising the world. She will not hesitate to ask me to do a 100 little chores when we are home. If I ask her for some help, she makes exscuses gets mad. She critisises almost every I do. Last point (promise) Wife likes to take the position regarding sex that she is doing me some thought of favor, as opposed to mutual enjoyment.
> Ray I guess thats enogh for now
> Ray
Posted by MidnightBlue on September 12, 2006, at 17:06:09
In reply to Marriage, posted by rfs on September 3, 2006, at 18:14:21
A couple of things to think about. You said your wife had had spine surgery and she was out of shape. Could she be in PAIN? That might explain why she doesn't want to be pushed, why she asks for your help.... Menopause all by itself is enough to make her miserable!
You must have married her for a reason. I imagine she had some of those traits when you married her. I think you both could have a good marriage if you try. Get physically healthy first and then both of you should consider therapy. I imagine she is a little bit frustrated with you, too.
MidnightBlue (married over 30 years)
Posted by karen_kay on October 24, 2006, at 11:52:07
In reply to Marriage, posted by rfs on September 3, 2006, at 18:14:21
hey, is that you mr kk? and that driving thing... that's me. i'm one of those. i stomp my foot 300 feet in front of a stop sign and tend to scream "stop sign stop sign' and he'll say...'not for 300 feet' and i make that gasping noise which startles him, but there's a bird in the middle of the road 2 miles away. and that car jsut turned on their turn signal, so you just have to throw on your brakes.
and my nagging... do you wanna.. here, can we (meaning him)... did you? will you? did you again? my nagging never stops.
and i don't know why i do this. i just do. but, there are also a lot of good things about me too. things that make the nagging charming (ha!). do you remembewr those things about her? the way her mouth tastes after she brushes her teeth? the smell of her hair? the way she laughs? it can't all be gone. maybe you don't want to see the other stuff, maybe you do. i guess if you want to see the good stuff, it'll be there?
This is the end of the thread.
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