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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Noa on November 21, 2000, at 15:16:32
OK, so it is just about here. Here is my deal:
For some reason, my family, whom I LIKE to spend holidays with, never gets its act together for Thanksgiving, or if it does, it does so at the very last minute.
This year, I decided not to wait around waiting to be invited. I wish I could be the one doing the inviting but I am not in a place to do that right now. In past years, I have waited anxiously to be invited, feeling hurt. At times, I have taken the initiative to call to ask to be invited. I don't like doing that, either.
This year, I decided to do something completely different.
Coincidentally, a good friend made the decision to not go to her abusive family for holidays this year.
So, we decided to do something different. We are going out to dinner and then to a show.
In the morning, if I can get myself up and out, I would like to do some volunteer work, maybe visiting kids in the hospital.
And, if my family (the local contingent) decides to call tonight or tomorrow night to invite me, well, too late. Although this isn't the primary motivation for this, I must admit, I am enjoying the idea of telling them I already have other plans.
Mostly, I feel good about being proactive and making plans, doing something good for myself, not waiting around passively and feeling hurt.
I am still a bit pissed off about how this works in my family, but I am not feeling hurt like I usually do.
Posted by dari on November 21, 2000, at 15:41:52
In reply to Holiday Plans, posted by Noa on November 21, 2000, at 15:16:32
Noah:
I admire you for taking care of yourself like this... and you're right, it will feel kinda neat to be able to tell your family that you already have plans.
My son and I are tentatively planning on driving to NH to spend the day and following weekend with one of three siblings and then parents at their home. It's a bit up in the air in that, frankly, I am feeling pretty strong right now and I'm not sure that I want to jeopardize my emotional health all in the name of family harmony. I'm learning that I have to be selfish with my family or I have a tendency to decompensate and of course, no one can pick up the pieces in the aftermath but me!!!The hospital idea sounds great. Whatever you do, I hope you have a wonderful day. I'll be thinking of you!
dari
> OK, so it is just about here. Here is my deal:
>
> For some reason, my family, whom I LIKE to spend holidays with, never gets its act together for Thanksgiving, or if it does, it does so at the very last minute.
>
> This year, I decided not to wait around waiting to be invited. I wish I could be the one doing the inviting but I am not in a place to do that right now. In past years, I have waited anxiously to be invited, feeling hurt. At times, I have taken the initiative to call to ask to be invited. I don't like doing that, either.
>
> This year, I decided to do something completely different.
>
> Coincidentally, a good friend made the decision to not go to her abusive family for holidays this year.
>
> So, we decided to do something different. We are going out to dinner and then to a show.
>
> In the morning, if I can get myself up and out, I would like to do some volunteer work, maybe visiting kids in the hospital.
>
> And, if my family (the local contingent) decides to call tonight or tomorrow night to invite me, well, too late. Although this isn't the primary motivation for this, I must admit, I am enjoying the idea of telling them I already have other plans.
>
> Mostly, I feel good about being proactive and making plans, doing something good for myself, not waiting around passively and feeling hurt.
>
> I am still a bit pissed off about how this works in my family, but I am not feeling hurt like I usually do.
Posted by shar on November 21, 2000, at 20:20:59
In reply to Re: Holiday Plans » Noa, posted by dari on November 21, 2000, at 15:41:52
You are both good role models for not allowing bad situations to continue. I'm still a little in the doormat stage, but am starting to stick to my guns more (not being pressured to do 10 more things at the last minute). Letting people know I am going to do X, and anything beyond that will have to be worked out with someone else.
I like the idea of family holidays a lot, I just wish I had a better family to spend them with! Glad you both will be having a more comfortable and enjoyable time, whether by doing something else or by being "selfish" (I think that should be self-aware or self-protective, Dari!).
Happy T-day.
Shar
Posted by Noa on November 21, 2000, at 20:35:48
In reply to Re: Holiday Plans--Noa and Dari, posted by shar on November 21, 2000, at 20:20:59
Thanks for the encouraging words, Shar. I hope you can be assertive and protect your boundaries, and have a reasonably good time.
And, Dari, I hope you can protect your boundaries too, while with your family. Try not to absorb the toxins, right?
I actually have been enjoying being with my family (it was bad for a number of years when I was younger but has been much better lately), but this wierdness and vagueness about TGing plans is annoying. There's history to it, of course, you know--a little awkward dancing around each other trying to figure out who will be at whose inlaws or parents, and who will be hurt by not being "chosen" when the other side is chosen, etc. So, me, the nonmarried one, gets lost in the shuffle. If I wanted to travel, I would be welcomed, but I hate travelling when everyone else is on the road, too. It just seems like a big hassle. Some years I have the energy for it and some years I don't. Plus, if there is some enthusiasm for a get-together for the holiday, I can be persuaded to make the trip, but otherwise, I don't want to.
The stuff about local family members not inviting me is even stranger and I don't understand it, although I have gotten used to it and am less hurt by it than I used to be. If I think about it a lot and really tune into my "insides" I do see that I still am hurt by it, but I haven't been feeling it much--it hasn't been on the surface at all. I guess I just feel good (and empowered, perhaps) by taking action to take care of myself instead of passively waiting, hoping someone will extend an invitation, a gesture of wanting me with them.
It worked out great to have a friend in a similar (but harder) boat and to find something fun to do.
Posted by Noa on November 28, 2000, at 18:01:38
In reply to Re: Holiday Plans » Noa, posted by dari on November 21, 2000, at 15:41:52
Dari, how did it go?
Posted by dari on November 28, 2000, at 18:39:17
In reply to Re: Holiday Plans » dari, posted by Noa on November 28, 2000, at 18:01:38
> Dari, how did it go?
Hey Noah!
We has a great, relaxing day at home eating turkey, playing marathon scrabble and just lounging around. It was just as it was supposed to be this year. I called my family and explained the logistical nightmare regarding travel and my threshhold for personality balancing of invited guests and miraculously they applauded my decision to stay home and stay healthy. I never thought I would see this day come. We are planning to go up to NH this weekend to see them instead, which is bound to be a more relaxed proposition.
How was your day? Did you get together with your friend? I hope that there was good food and comraderie where ever you were. If you get a chance, let me know how things went. I was thinking of you on thanksgiving day, hoping that you were having a nice time.
Take care,
dari
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