![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Ant-Rock on January 16, 2001, at 14:13:04
It's been 3 weeks since my wife asked me to leave our home. My inability to overcome a chronic depression and the resulting problems have become to much for her to handle. We were best friends, and I was always there for her when she really needed me, but wasn't much of a husband in many ways do to this curse. I know her better than I know myself, but was oblivious to the extent of her pain, as she kept most of it in and swallowed her frustrations. She also didn't have a best friend, or any close friends to turn to and this also made things much more difficult for her to handle. If I sound like I'm sticking up for her, I am, in a way. The shock of this has pushed aside the usual depression and made me see how lifeless i truly have become. The negativity and hopelessness has finally caused her to lose hope.
She has completly turned ice cold to me and doesn't want to talk about the situation. I have never felt so much pain and helplessnes in my life. Walking around like half a person, after 10 years of being in love.
My life has become a record with a scratch, unable to move forward. Year after year trying to find the next med that would make me feel alive again only reinforced my hopelessnes.
Just some feelings i felt like writing down. At rock bottom, nowhere to go but up.
Anthony
Posted by Noa on January 16, 2001, at 15:14:10
In reply to Depression poisoned my marriage, need help, posted by Ant-Rock on January 16, 2001, at 14:13:04
Anthony,
I am so sorry to hear this. Are you in therapy? Any other support?
Perhaps consulting a marriage counselor--even if she refuses to go--would be useful--to get advice about dealing with this.
What if you agreed to move out (temporarily or permanently, to be determined later) if she would agree to marriage counseling ---with out predetermining the outcome of counseling (ie, the goal doesn't have to be to save the marriage--the goal could be left open for now).
Did you see this coming? I know you were aware of the drain/stress on the relationship, but did you see this coming?
Posted by NikkiT2 on January 16, 2001, at 15:16:10
In reply to Depression poisoned my marriage, need help, posted by Ant-Rock on January 16, 2001, at 14:13:04
I iwsh I could give you advice here, but all i can do, is sympathise. It's been 6 days since my husband gave me one final chance to become "normal". O bviously I can't do this, but it is making me realise that I have to take drastic action somehow to live better than I am.
My depression is causing major problems at home, as yours is. I've only been married 14 months, but it has been a huge issue throughout our whole marriage.
All i can sugest, is telling your pdoc how bad things are. I finally did this this morning, and explained all the reasons my husband gave to me why he finds it so hard to live with me,a nd this made my pdoc understand my problems better, anbd he is working harder with me to overcome these.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but remember we're all here to try and help, and listen if you need us.
Good luck, and I really hope things can get better.
Nikki xx
Posted by Ant-Rock on January 16, 2001, at 20:33:41
In reply to Re: Depression poisoned my marriage, need help, posted by Noa on January 16, 2001, at 15:14:10
> Anthony,
> I am so sorry to hear this. Are you in therapy? Any other support?
- I am trying to find a qualified cognitive behavioral therapist for my problems. This has been tougher than I thought. Family & friend helping me cope.> Perhaps consulting a marriage counselor--even if she refuses to go--would be useful--to get advice about dealing with this.
- I am confused as to which problem to address first, my depression, ie. start therapy, or a marriage counselor. My psychiatrist has been so passive about everything that I am realizing now how much he hasn't helped me for so long. Part of the reason I lost hope.
> What if you agreed to move out (temporarily or permanently, to be determined later) if she would agree to marriage counseling ---with out predetermining the outcome of counseling (ie, the goal doesn't have to be to save the marriage--the goal could be left open for now).
-Actually Noa, I moved out immediately on my wifes request. After another funk had gotten me really down, we had a small argument and she broke down and was crying hysterically, it was killing me seeing her in such pain, she practically begged me to leave, and seeing that was the only way to stop her hurt, I left. Two days later I returned very apolligetically trying to reassure her, but she was a different person, putting forth a cold, bitter attitude, not even a glimse of warmth as I tried to hold her. She doesn't want to talk about this,deal with this, and says she just wants to be alone. She asked me to take the rest of my clothes, which I did, and says we could talk in six months. Not very reassuring.
> Did you see this coming? I know you were aware of the drain/stress on the relationship, but did you see this coming?
-I truly didn't see this coming. She had been sad lately about some things in her life, and we discussed them. She told me she loved me twice a day and we hugged/kissed first thing before/after work every day right up to the very day this happened. We weren't fighting/arguing, so this truly blinsided me. Looking back I certainly can see now how much worse my condition had gotten, but she obviously kept most of her pain inside, and not having someone outside the marriage to confide in made this that much more difficult to handle. She was sad she had no close friends, and I sympathized/discussed this with her. I certainly didn't discourage her from making close friends, I supported her whenever she was down.
Basically every problem that drove her to this decision was a direct result of my depression. She most likely sees my situation as never changing = no future.Thank you Noa for writing, your advice is very much appreciated. I certainly have to get some proffesional guidance, because this has been truly overwhelming. Any other suggestions, please feel free. I'm just very confused right now.
Posted by Ant-Rock on January 16, 2001, at 20:35:38
In reply to Re: Depression poisoned my marriage, need help » Ant-Rock, posted by NikkiT2 on January 16, 2001, at 15:16:10
> I iwsh I could give you advice here, but all i can do, is sympathise. It's been 6 days since my husband gave me one final chance to become "normal". O bviously I can't do this, but it is making me realise that I have to take drastic action somehow to live better than I am.
>
> My depression is causing major problems at home, as yours is. I've only been married 14 months, but it has been a huge issue throughout our whole marriage.
>
> All i can sugest, is telling your pdoc how bad things are. I finally did this this morning, and explained all the reasons my husband gave to me why he finds it so hard to live with me,a nd this made my pdoc understand my problems better, anbd he is working harder with me to overcome these.
>
> Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but remember we're all here to try and help, and listen if you need us.
>
> Good luck, and I really hope things can get better.
>
> Nikki xxThank you Nikki,
Anthony
Posted by shellie on January 16, 2001, at 21:12:44
In reply to Re: Depression poisoned my marriage, need help » NikkiT2, posted by Ant-Rock on January 16, 2001, at 20:35:38
Anthony, I'm so sorry this happened. You have tried really hard to beat this depression. It seems like maybe your wife is acting cold and distant because she loves you very much and this is the only way she can separate herself from you. I don't see the six months as pessimistic as you do. First of all, it sounds arbitrary and she may not hold to it. Second, she is not saying goodbye for ever. It may be that she needs a little time to sort out her feelings. I think cognitive therapy is a good idea. Sort of proceeding with life as far as you are capable within the depression.
Perhaps write her a letter saying that your marriage deserves a try at counseling. It is not YOUR fault. You didn't create the situation where you were her whole social connection. That comes from her, and perhaps if she can own this, she may be able to see that the deep problems she perceives in the relationship had to do with both of you. But of course I may be being too optimistic; I don't know.
I hope I have not overstepped my bounds here. Maybe I should just have told you how sorry I am, which is true, without giving suggestions. Suggestions may be the last thing you need now. I know you must need hugs, so I offer lots online, and hope you get many from your family.
Shellie
Posted by S. Howard on January 16, 2001, at 22:14:14
In reply to Re: Depression poisoned my marriage, need help » Noa, posted by Ant-Rock on January 16, 2001, at 20:33:41
Anthony-
How terrible for you. I am "the depressed one" here and my husband is usually supportive. I would be lost without him and try hard not to let my depression and "wierdness" affect our marriage (although it's impossible to avoid it entirely). For instance, I rarely feel like going out socially but I don't object to him going out with his friends. When they come to the house I don't hang out with them (I run upstairs and "hide") but
I'm not rude, I tell them to grab a beer and make themselves at home, or I'll insist that they eat if I'm cooking dinner. But I'm lousy at "small talk" and usually avoid it.If my husband were depressed, I believe the only reasons I would consider leaving him would be:
-if he refused to seek therapy or treatment or help of any kind, particularly if he just kept getting worse
-if he self-medicated with drugs or alcohol to the point of being abusive to me or the kids
-if he refused to work, everOf course, if his depression also made him constantly nasty and sarcastic, this would get old after some time. I don't know how long I could weather that.
I agree that it is not your fault that your wife has no friends or any outlet for her frustrations, unless you forbid her to have friends. She could also use counseling...there's no reason you can't see a marriage counselor for both of you and a therapist for yourself.
No matter what happens, don't give up on fighting your depression...keep trying! Keep trying!
Luck,
Gracie
Posted by coral on January 17, 2001, at 6:58:22
In reply to Re: Depression poisoned my marriage, need help, posted by S. Howard on January 16, 2001, at 22:14:14
Depression can be devastating on those who love us. There's a website; www.depressionfallout.com for people who love someone who is depressed. Caution: There is a lot of anger on the website - it can be disturbing to read some of the posts. It might be a good site for your wife to read so she can see what others have done. Good luck.
Posted by Ant-Rock on January 17, 2001, at 10:06:27
In reply to Re: Depression poisoned my marriage, need help » Ant-Rock, posted by shellie on January 16, 2001, at 21:12:44
> Anthony, I'm so sorry this happened. You have tried really hard to beat this depression. It seems like maybe your wife is acting cold and distant because she loves you very much and this is the only way she can separate herself from you. I don't see the six months as pessimistic as you do. First of all, it sounds arbitrary and she may not hold to it. Second, she is not saying goodbye for ever. It may be that she needs a little time to sort out her feelings. I think cognitive therapy is a good idea. Sort of proceeding with life as far as you are capable within the depression.
>
> Perhaps write her a letter saying that your marriage deserves a try at counseling. It is not YOUR fault. You didn't create the situation where you were her whole social connection. That comes from her, and perhaps if she can own this, she may be able to see that the deep problems she perceives in the relationship had to do with both of you. But of course I may be being too optimistic; I don't know.
>
> I hope I have not overstepped my bounds here. Maybe I should just have told you how sorry I am, which is true, without giving suggestions. Suggestions may be the last thing you need now. I know you must need hugs, so I offer lots online, and hope you get many from your family.
>
> ShellieThank you Shellie,
You certainly didn't overstep any bounds, your suggestions are very sound, and very much appreciated. I can't get in to see a psycholigist for almost three weeks, so this feedback really helps.
Thank you so much.
Anthony
Posted by Ant-Rock on January 17, 2001, at 10:08:32
In reply to Re: Depression poisoned my marriage, need help, posted by S. Howard on January 16, 2001, at 22:14:14
> Anthony-
> How terrible for you. I am "the depressed one" here and my husband is usually supportive. I would be lost without him and try hard not to let my depression and "wierdness" affect our marriage (although it's impossible to avoid it entirely). For instance, I rarely feel like going out socially but I don't object to him going out with his friends. When they come to the house I don't hang out with them (I run upstairs and "hide") but
> I'm not rude, I tell them to grab a beer and make themselves at home, or I'll insist that they eat if I'm cooking dinner. But I'm lousy at "small talk" and usually avoid it.
>
> If my husband were depressed, I believe the only reasons I would consider leaving him would be:
> -if he refused to seek therapy or treatment or help of any kind, particularly if he just kept getting worse
> -if he self-medicated with drugs or alcohol to the point of being abusive to me or the kids
> -if he refused to work, ever
>
> Of course, if his depression also made him constantly nasty and sarcastic, this would get old after some time. I don't know how long I could weather that.
>
> I agree that it is not your fault that your wife has no friends or any outlet for her frustrations, unless you forbid her to have friends. She could also use counseling...there's no reason you can't see a marriage counselor for both of you and a therapist for yourself.
>
> No matter what happens, don't give up on fighting your depression...keep trying! Keep trying!
>
> Luck,
> GracieThank you Gracie,
Anthony
Posted by quilter on January 17, 2001, at 23:29:38
In reply to Re: Depression poisoned my marriage, need help, posted by Ant-Rock on January 17, 2001, at 10:08:32
Anthony, it sounds like your wife might benefit from a depression screening. It can be contagious you know. We were going through a rough patch about 5 years ago, when I was between pdocs, and it came down to - I'll go if you go. He was also diagnosed with it. My BP1 sister's husband was also taking ADs, so I would think it might be a possibility for you as well. I wonder if you have done any couples counseling? This might be a safe way to suggest an evaluation for her.
During our own family counselling, we discovered the we had each built walls to try to shield the other from our pain but had really only succeeded in shutting each other out. We are still working on that.... I'm probably not only off base but out of line with this post. Please excuse me if so.
Quilter
Posted by Ant-Rock on January 18, 2001, at 19:34:25
In reply to Re: Depression poisoned my marriage, need help, posted by quilter on January 17, 2001, at 23:29:38
> Anthony, it sounds like your wife might benefit from a depression screening. It can be contagious you know. We were going through a rough patch about 5 years ago, when I was between pdocs, and it came down to - I'll go if you go. He was also diagnosed with it. My BP1 sister's husband was also taking ADs, so I would think it might be a possibility for you as well. I wonder if you have done any couples counseling? This might be a safe way to suggest an evaluation for her.
> During our own family counselling, we discovered the we had each built walls to try to shield the other from our pain but had really only succeeded in shutting each other out. We are still working on that.... I'm probably not only off base but out of line with this post. Please excuse me if so.
> QuilterNot off base at all,
There is definitely a chance that my depression became her depression, I certainly know it numbed her feelings for me. I am very confused right now because I'm dealing with lawyers on one hand,trying to protect myself, and also keeping some hope alive. My head is certainly screwed up right now. Knowing that the only reason this has happened is because of my depression, yet trying to reassure myself that I didn't ask for this to happen to me. I feel I failed my wife, myself, and our marriage because I couldn't overcome this.
These are tough times indeed.
Anthony
Posted by quilter on January 20, 2001, at 0:18:42
In reply to Re: Depression poisoned my marriage, need help » quilter, posted by Ant-Rock on January 18, 2001, at 19:34:25
Anthony, I didn't mean to give you another stick to beat yourself with. Guilt is your enemy right now. You can't afford to indulge in it, so try focussing (sp? or maybe just cussing) on the things you can do to make things better. I have a couple of corny suggestions. You might feel a bit better if you communicated to your wife how much you care about her in spite of how things have been recently. There are plenty of Valentines out right now. How about dropping one in the mail every few days? Low risk of worsening the situation, might be worth a try. Make sure she knows you are willing to work with her on ways to improve the interpersonal problems depression seems to cause.
You might also want to try one of the self help books about cognitive therapy while you are waiting to see your therapist. The one I found most useful (in spite of the absurd title) is David Burns' workbook Ten Days to Self-Esteem. Just reading about the theory didn't work like actually putting pencil to paper. Only once the distorted thoughts were out where I could read them did I see how out of touch with reality they really were. The exercises were a helpful beginning to some work I did later with the same principles. I bought mine at one of the chain bookstores, but I'm pretty sure you should be able to get it online.(check Dr. Bob's Book page)
Quilter
Posted by Ant-Rock on January 21, 2001, at 14:17:07
In reply to Re: Depression poisoned my marriage, need help » Ant-Rock, posted by quilter on January 20, 2001, at 0:18:42
> Anthony, I didn't mean to give you another stick to beat yourself with. Guilt is your enemy right now. You can't afford to indulge in it, so try focussing (sp? or maybe just cussing) on the things you can do to make things better. I have a couple of corny suggestions. You might feel a bit better if you communicated to your wife how much you care about her in spite of how things have been recently. There are plenty of Valentines out right now. How about dropping one in the mail every few days? Low risk of worsening the situation, might be worth a try. Make sure she knows you are willing to work with her on ways to improve the interpersonal problems depression seems to cause.
>
> You might also want to try one of the self help books about cognitive therapy while you are waiting to see your therapist. The one I found most useful (in spite of the absurd title) is David Burns' workbook Ten Days to Self-Esteem. Just reading about the theory didn't work like actually putting pencil to paper. Only once the distorted thoughts were out where I could read them did I see how out of touch with reality they really were. The exercises were a helpful beginning to some work I did later with the same principles. I bought mine at one of the chain bookstores, but I'm pretty sure you should be able to get it online.(check Dr. Bob's Book page)
>
> QuilterAll good suggestions,
Thank you quilter.
Posted by Ant-Rock on January 22, 2001, at 19:13:10
In reply to Depression poisoned my marriage, need help, posted by Ant-Rock on January 16, 2001, at 14:13:04
> It's been 3 weeks since my wife asked me to leave our home. My inability to overcome a chronic depression and the resulting problems have become to much for her to handle. We were best friends, and I was always there for her when she really needed me, but wasn't much of a husband in many ways do to this curse. I know her better than I know myself, but was oblivious to the extent of her pain, as she kept most of it in and swallowed her frustrations. She also didn't have a best friend, or any close friends to turn to and this also made things much more difficult for her to handle. If I sound like I'm sticking up for her, I am, in a way. The shock of this has pushed aside the usual depression and made me see how lifeless i truly have become. The negativity and hopelessness has finally caused her to lose hope.
> She has completly turned ice cold to me and doesn't want to talk about the situation. I have never felt so much pain and helplessnes in my life. Walking around like half a person, after 10 years of being in love.
> My life has become a record with a scratch, unable to move forward. Year after year trying to find the next med that would make me feel alive again only reinforced my hopelessnes.
> Just some feelings i felt like writing down. At rock bottom, nowhere to go but up.
> Anthony
It seems as though the situation is hopeless. I have finally gotten my soon to be ex-wife to talk to me. She has turned so cold. Says I killed a part of her. Doesn't seem concerned that it was the depression that killed our marriage, just that she was so miserable for so long, that now she just wants to be happy and alone. I can understand this, but it's hard to accept that you could spend years with someone, be best friends, and not miss them at all. Just answered the door and was served my divorce papers. Sucks. She was the best wife anyone could ask for. Can't believe I let this happen. Truly devastating.
Posted by Gracie2 on January 22, 2001, at 21:25:32
In reply to Thanks for all the support, but I lost, posted by Ant-Rock on January 22, 2001, at 19:13:10
Anthony-
I'm very sorry. You have to remember that you did not "let" depression happen - as I said before, if each of us came with a switch that would turn the depression off, wouldn't you use it? Damn
Skippy, you would. I think this aspect of depression is hard for "normal" people to understand...that we don't enjoy feeling this way and we have no control over it, that there's not a way for us to just "snap out of it". Being depressed is not your fault, particularly if you've sought treatment, and it sounds like you have.Doubtless, on top of everything else, you will now be faced with handling the 5 stages of grief-
denial, anger, bargaining, etc. I don't know if you enjoy reading, but one of my favorite retreats is Barnes & Noble...I get some coffee, pick out a big stack of books, settle down in one of those squishy chairs, and lose myself for hours. Prehaps in this kind of setting it would not be too difficult for you to read up on the grief process, or a book on how to handle change in your life such as "Who Moved My Cheese?" (It's been recommended to me but I haven't read it myself.) Hell you might even meet somebody. Well it's probably a little early for that.Barring that, I would take some vacation time, get in the car and drive down to the coast, maybe with a friend, to Destin or someplace beautiful and not too touristy. Learn to dive, rent a jet-ski, go fishing. Take care of yourself.
Wishing you the best-
Gracie
Posted by quilter on January 22, 2001, at 23:04:21
In reply to Thanks for all the support, but I lost, posted by Ant-Rock on January 22, 2001, at 19:13:10
Anthony, DEPRESSION IS AN ILLNESS NOT A CHARACTER FLAW. No one chooses to have this. You did not kill a part of her. She is an adult who has made choices, who could have had help with her distress at any point in your relationship.
She may indeed need some time for herself right now. But maybe you do too. You may not have a choice about your illness but you do have other choices. You can choose not to accept that ticket for a guilt trip she has tried to hand you. You can choose to contest the divorce. You can choose to keep breathing for one more minute, one more hour, one more day.
Please try to remember that today is not forever.
Quilter
Posted by gwen on January 23, 2001, at 20:18:17
In reply to Thanks for all the support, but I lost, posted by Ant-Rock on January 22, 2001, at 19:13:10
Anthony,
When my husband told me he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce, one of the things he said was that he thought I would have depression forever and that I would never get out of it. He also said that my attitude toward myself made him love me less.
He would get extremely angry with me whenever I tried to reason with him. When we finally got in to see a marriage counselor he said he was not willing to work on the relationship, so the counselor said there was nothing she could do and referred us to a mediator.
What neither she nor I nor my psychiatrist (who consulted with the counselor) could figure out was my husband's rage toward me, my mother, my father, you name it -- everything and anything having to do with me. It was as though he was a completely different person that I didn't know. I thought he was going through some midlife crisis.
While he swore before he left that there was no one else and he just wanted out of the marriage, it turns out that he'd become at least emotionally involved with a woman from work. He told me as much before he moved out, but I didn't see it then. My doctor now has shown me that sometimes when people feel guilty they get angry. All of that rage directed toward me was his guilt coming out over all of this. It has given me new perspective on a lot of things and I have witnessed this in other interpersonal relationships -- at work with people I supervise, with friends, the friends of friends, and so on. A valuable lesson for me. It's true that we had grown apart, and I can see why he became interested in this other person, but the reasons he gave (and blamed me for) for wanting to leave were not real.
I am not at all suggesting that your wife is involved with someone else, but I do want to suggest that your depression may not be the real or the only reason for this, and that her anger and coldness may well be the guilt she feels from ending the relationship. Please don't blame yourself and your depression (not that you should anyway because your depression is not some self-indulgence you have chosen).
None of this helps your pain right now, I suspect. The rawness of it. I hurt for some time and then got angry (he married the woman a few days after the divorce was final a year ago). I am just now getting past the anger.
It gets better, though. It really does. I didn't realize until he left how much of myself I lost to the relationship and I am just now finding it again. There is a very good book out called Crazy Time by Abigail Trafford that explains how divorces happen -- the collision courses that are set up at the beginning of relationships that one doesn't see until it's over. This book also helped me understand that this wasn't all my fault. I highly recommend it.
In the end, all I can say is that I know very much how you feel and can empathize. Please try not to beat up on yourself. Do try not to make any big decisions right now if you don't have to. You need space and time to think. It will take some time before this haze lifts, but it will and clarity will come.
Gwen
Posted by Ant-Rock on January 23, 2001, at 22:50:37
In reply to Re: Thanks for all the support, but I lost » Ant-Rock, posted by gwen on January 23, 2001, at 20:18:17
> Anthony,
>
> When my husband told me he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce, one of the things he said was that he thought I would have depression forever and that I would never get out of it. He also said that my attitude toward myself made him love me less.
>
> He would get extremely angry with me whenever I tried to reason with him. When we finally got in to see a marriage counselor he said he was not willing to work on the relationship, so the counselor said there was nothing she could do and referred us to a mediator.
>
> What neither she nor I nor my psychiatrist (who consulted with the counselor) could figure out was my husband's rage toward me, my mother, my father, you name it -- everything and anything having to do with me. It was as though he was a completely different person that I didn't know. I thought he was going through some midlife crisis.
>
> While he swore before he left that there was no one else and he just wanted out of the marriage, it turns out that he'd become at least emotionally involved with a woman from work. He told me as much before he moved out, but I didn't see it then. My doctor now has shown me that sometimes when people feel guilty they get angry. All of that rage directed toward me was his guilt coming out over all of this. It has given me new perspective on a lot of things and I have witnessed this in other interpersonal relationships -- at work with people I supervise, with friends, the friends of friends, and so on. A valuable lesson for me. It's true that we had grown apart, and I can see why he became interested in this other person, but the reasons he gave (and blamed me for) for wanting to leave were not real.
>
> I am not at all suggesting that your wife is involved with someone else, but I do want to suggest that your depression may not be the real or the only reason for this, and that her anger and coldness may well be the guilt she feels from ending the relationship. Please don't blame yourself and your depression (not that you should anyway because your depression is not some self-indulgence you have chosen).
>
> None of this helps your pain right now, I suspect. The rawness of it. I hurt for some time and then got angry (he married the woman a few days after the divorce was final a year ago). I am just now getting past the anger.
>
> It gets better, though. It really does. I didn't realize until he left how much of myself I lost to the relationship and I am just now finding it again. There is a very good book out called Crazy Time by Abigail Trafford that explains how divorces happen -- the collision courses that are set up at the beginning of relationships that one doesn't see until it's over. This book also helped me understand that this wasn't all my fault. I highly recommend it.
>
> In the end, all I can say is that I know very much how you feel and can empathize. Please try not to beat up on yourself. Do try not to make any big decisions right now if you don't have to. You need space and time to think. It will take some time before this haze lifts, but it will and clarity will come.
>
> GwenGwen,
Your story feels so close to home it's scary. It's difficult because I don't feel as though we grew apart. She certainly has turned cruel and is taking it out in viscious ways, like acting as though I contributed nothing to the marriage, even financially. This is a total lie that she somehow has convinced herself of. She has become greedy and feels I am entitled to nothing in our home. I guess maybe she has to make these things up to justify in her mind what she is doing. Like you said, "a completely different person" almost overnight. I've never seen this side of her before, actually I've never seen anyone act like this before.
Most people around me suspect there is someone else in the picture due to the sudden change. I guess it's time to take my lawyers advice and hire a private eye. So sad she is forcing my hand to play the lawyer game. The last thing I feel like doing is going to court and fight over furniture. It's going on 4 weeks and each day still feels like a month. She couldn't even tell me she already had filed for divorce, only that she intended to. Last night I get home from speaking with her an I am served the papers. Totally gutless and heartless.
I'd like to put a mirror in front of her face to show her what she has become , but maybe in time she'll come to realize it herself, maybe not.
Thank you so much Gwen for sharing your personal story. You sound like someone who really has gained insight from such a traumatic experience. Your writing is eloquent and the sincerity shines through. If you haven't, you should consider writing for a living. I think I'll check out that book you mentioned as well.
Sincerely,Anthony
Posted by gwen on January 24, 2001, at 6:46:43
In reply to Re: Thanks for all the support, but I lost » gwen, posted by Ant-Rock on January 23, 2001, at 22:50:37
Anthony,
I am lucky in that my ex-husband was so intent on leaving that he practically left with only his clothes. There was no battle between lawyers. We were separated for a year and then the divorce was final.
I wish you strength and endurance on this journey. You will get through this, and things will get better.
I'm here if you need an ear.
Gwen
Posted by gwen on January 24, 2001, at 6:54:32
In reply to Re: Thanks for all the support, but I lost » gwen, posted by Ant-Rock on January 23, 2001, at 22:50:37
I didn't see at first how far we had grown apart. It took a good while. I knew there had been tension, but thought we would work through it -- we had weathered storms far worse. I never thought it would come to divorce. What's funny is I always thought he loved me more than I loved him. I guess it was the other way around. We were married 13 years.
G.
Posted by ms. b. on January 24, 2001, at 11:25:39
In reply to Anthony -- one other thing, posted by gwen on January 24, 2001, at 6:54:32
Anthony & Gwen,
I read you letters and find it all so sad. I'm so sorry you have to go through this Anthony, and I agree with Gwen's advice about your wife's guilt over SOMEthing, and also Quilter's suppoert is eloquent and totally supportive and understanding.
I think her serving you the papers so quickly is a mistake she will probably regret later. Anything done in such haste, especially the destruction of a marriage, has the potential to backfire. When she gets over the anger at you, and loses the guilt (which she must someday), she might see that SHE was fully half of the relationship. Why didn't she have any close friends? What was she trying to hide? Why didn't she come to you and express her fears and her sense of hopelessness? Perhaps it could have given you both a chance to work on it together. It's such a shame, and I'm so sorry. We're here for you.
B.
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