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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by judy1 on February 2, 2001, at 17:05:56
That is really an important point. I have been extremely fortunate here because while the anonymity of this board encourages me to be honest, it does not prevent someone from delivering what could be a devastating blow to me. While that has never happened, I, like your wife, am exquisitively sensitive. I find it interesting that the people who have responded to me in my darkest moments (Noa comes to mind first, but Greg and Scott and Shar and others- please forgive me for leaving anyone out here), have been incredibly supportive. Does Dr. Bob get to bad messages first, or is this luck? Thanks, Judy
Posted by judy1 on February 2, 2001, at 17:07:34
In reply to boundaries, posted by judy1 on February 2, 2001, at 17:05:56
This was a response to Mark, but open to anyone- Thanks
Posted by Mark H. on February 5, 2001, at 15:17:39
In reply to Re: boundaries (Mark et al), posted by judy1 on February 2, 2001, at 17:07:34
Hi Judy,
There are some incredibly skillful and giving people here.
In one of my therapy adventures, I worked for 9 months with a person who specialized in cognitive therapy for depression. One of the delightful aspects of that therapy for me was that, instead of challenging my values, which I tend to hold dear, it challenged my *expectations of other people.* This (at least for me) was a revelation.
One small example but easy to share: having totalled a car as a teenager in an accident that wasn't my fault, I strive to drive very safely and legally as an adult. People on the road who drive dangerously used to provoke uncontrollable rage in me. I really wanted to change that. So this therapist asked me, "Do you expect that other drivers will obey the law and drive safely?"
"Yes!" I said. He replied, "So, do you think that's a *reasonable* expectation?" You can see where this is going -- I hotly defended my values and their "rightness," but his point wasn't about either of those things, only about whether my *expectation* was reasonable. In the end, the answer (of course) was "No, my expectation is not reasonable; some people will always drive poorly and dangerously."
Once I reached that point, then I could begin to let go of my rage (which was hurting me with giant surges of adrenaline, but wasn't doing anything to make me or anyone else a better driver). That's the irony of unrealistic expectations.
I told my therapist, "You expect me to lower my values because other people don't share them?" He laughed and said, "No, just modify your expectations to include the realistic probability that not everyone shares your values." I don't know what will work for you, but this has been one thing that has helped me a lot. Of course, I have to go through the whole process again every time I find another one of my hot buttons. ;-)
I hope you're having a good week. Thanks again for the exchange.
Best wishes,
Mark H.
This is the end of the thread.
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