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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah1 on May 24, 2002, at 8:59:33
It is a post about loss and grief and choices.
Due to recent events in my life I have decided that it will be necessary to go back on Luvox. I decided to stop taking Luvox over a year ago because I realized that it was killing an important part of me. But because of a new stressful obligation I must take on, I am afraid that part may kill me if I don't begin taking Luvox again.
(I'm not looking for medication suggestions. Luvox is one medication that doesn't cause me unbearable agitation.)
I could choose not to take on the obligation, citing the fact that it will certainly be harmful to my mental health. But that would mean killing another part of me, the part that chooses to do the right thing.
And so I mourn the losses that will accompany taking Luvox. I'll miss orgasms. I really need those IQ points; feeling intelligent is perhaps too important to me, and on Luvox I felt stupid. I will be sorry to lose what little motivation and energy I have. I was so apathetic on Luvox.
I will miss my OCD. As annoying as it can be, it also helps me fulfill my obligations. And it means well. Goodbye, my friend, and I am sorry.
And I will miss the part of me that feels and loves and causes trouble too. I have chosen to live with the down side of having emotions, to increase my therapy appointments, to live with the discomfort. I have tried to nurture my emotional side, despite the costs, because ultimately I believe there is value in it. And I will be sad to lose my tenuous connection with that part of me.
This post may sound silly, but I am quite serious about it. Making one choice nearly always means mourning opportunities lost.
Posted by Penny on May 24, 2002, at 11:52:24
In reply to This is not a medication post., posted by Dinah1 on May 24, 2002, at 8:59:33
I totally understand. I guess that's sort of what I meant about a 'fear of getting better' in my earlier post. Getting 'better', whatever that is, also means leaving behind a comfort zone for me. Depression, while painful and possibly lethal, is also comforting. It protects me from many of the things I'm most afraid of. It provides a tap into my more creative (albeit dark) side. It allows me to get attention from people who at least act as though they really care for me (my doc, therapist, etc.). If I'm not depressed, who am I? Do I matter?
I applaud you on being brave enough to do what you feel you must, Dinah. Only you can make that choice, no matter how hard it might be. And perhaps it won't be a forever choice.
Too bad there's no 'happy medium' for most of us. Sure would be nice if there were.
Love, Penny
Posted by krazy kat on May 24, 2002, at 11:56:55
In reply to This is not a medication post., posted by Dinah1 on May 24, 2002, at 8:59:33
Last night I fell into tears when my husband asked me to set up a simple HTML page. My most recent work was in electronic publishing and I could learn anything, languages, codes, etc. on my own and very quickly.
I have always prided myself on being both right and left brained. And, yes, quite a bit beyond many people.
Now, I cannot remember how to do any of the work I used to. My creativity is limited to short bursts, who knows when. I cannot find words, I cannot spell. Energy is nominal.
Depakote has done this to me. However Depakote has also saved my life.
I think I know why your life has changed, and why you need to do this. I am so very sorry, Dinah. My thoughts will be with you.
- kk
Posted by Dinah1 on May 24, 2002, at 12:28:39
In reply to your post does not sound silly at all... » Dinah1, posted by krazy kat on May 24, 2002, at 11:56:55
>
> I think I know why your life has changed, and why you need to do this. I am so very sorry, Dinah. My thoughts will be with you.
>
> - kkActually kk, this isn't about my friend's death, although I'm sure that has added to the stress. My brother is moving out of my parents' house and since they are not totally self-sufficient I will have to be there quite a bit helping them. They are (especially my father) angry people and I find that I cannot be around them without internalizing their anger. It will be an overwhelming situation and I'm afraid that without chemical numbing I will end up killing myself. That's awfully stark, but true.
I want to thank you for your many kindnesses to me, and I hope that I have not hurt you by my post on admin. It would be a poor way to repay you for your kindness. I have always and will always admire you for your idealism.
Your friend (still I hope)
Dinah
Posted by Dinah1 on May 24, 2002, at 12:32:32
In reply to Re: This is not a medication post. » Dinah1, posted by Penny on May 24, 2002, at 11:52:24
With or without your depression, you would be a wonderful creative person. With or without your depression there will be many people who care about you, myself included. Don't sell yourself short Penny, your caring for others shows through quite plainly and I admire you for that (and envy you a bit too).
Thanks for your concern.
Dinah
Posted by beardedlady on May 24, 2002, at 13:27:17
In reply to This is not a medication post., posted by Dinah1 on May 24, 2002, at 8:59:33
> I could choose not to take on the obligation, citing the fact that it will certainly be harmful to my mental health. But that would mean killing another part of me, the part that chooses to do the right thing.
I'm sorry. The right thing is? Taking care of your parents at the expense of your health? Is that REALLY what you think? Or is it what you think you SHOULD think? Or what you think OTHERS will think?
What kind of logic says that the right thing to do is put yourself in a no-win situation, one in which you are quite miserable because you're dealing with people you love but who make you feel awful, and also quite uncomfortable because you are on a med that makes you feel like crap? Is it the logic of guilt? The logic of what you owe your parents for bringing you into the world?
> (I'm not looking for medication suggestions. Luvox is one medication that doesn't cause me unbearable agitation.)
> And so I mourn the losses that will accompany taking Luvox. I'll miss orgasms. I really need those IQ points; feeling intelligent is perhaps too important to me, and on Luvox I felt stupid. I will be sorry to lose what little motivation and energy I have. I was so apathetic on Luvox.What kind of life is this for you, Dinah?
> This post may sound silly, but I am quite serious about it. Making one choice nearly always means mourning opportunities lost.
It sounds to me like you're really looking for someone who will say what you feel too guilty to say yourself. I'll say it. I am not afraid.
Don't sacrifice your SELF. It's all you have. Your parents aren't self-sufficient? Well, that's why we have senior communities and private nurses and nursing homes and all kinds of stuff that is often covered by medicare and insurance. Before you mourn, do a little investigating.
The part of you that does the right thing would be alive and well if you could truly see the right thing. Sacrificing yourself for others is not "the right thing" to do. It is heroism. It is, all to often, martyrdom. The world does not ask that of us, and we should not require it of ourselves.
There are other right choices. I hope you find the one that doesn't hurt ANYONE, especially yourself.
beardy >
Posted by krazy kat on May 24, 2002, at 15:27:23
In reply to Re: your post does not sound silly at all... » krazy kat, posted by Dinah1 on May 24, 2002, at 12:28:39
while you go through this.
Posted by terra miller on May 24, 2002, at 16:43:38
In reply to Re: your post does not sound silly at all... » krazy kat, posted by Dinah1 on May 24, 2002, at 12:28:39
perhaps this is overstepping my bounds (hope not) but it sounds more like you are in conflict more than that you have actually decided upon your decision. only you know this- if you are giving into old mental "tapes" that tell you that you have no choices nor the strength to do anything about them. remember that if you are currently stressed and tired, then you are more likely to feel overwhelmed and without strength rolling over and not giving an opinion at all.
i know what it's like to make personal mental sacrifices. but i have also found that, though it might take more effort sometimes than others, there usually is a solution which all of me can live with. i do not think that you necessarily have to say goodbye to parts of you, but i do think it's good that you are aware and that it's respectful to listen long enough to hear all the options out.
you are strong for a reason. you are creative for a reason. and you deal with an angry father a certain way for a reason, too. it is very possible for all of that to co-exist.
and there are no rules that say you have to do anything, even the rule so-to-speak that you have an obligation to care for your parents. care for them if you want to, but not because you feel obligated to. you don't have to be powerless now.
hope you understood that.~terra
Posted by Dinah1 on May 24, 2002, at 17:16:41
In reply to Do the right thing? » Dinah1, posted by beardedlady on May 24, 2002, at 13:27:17
Yes, actually I do believe that is the right thing to do. Not by what I think others will say, but by my own code of behavior.
I was just being a bit defensive because I know many people wouldn't hold that belief. And that's okay too; I have a lot of unusual views about the behavior I expect from myself. They may not even be what I expect from others. Perhaps it's the OCD.
Anyway, I will probably start the Luvox tonight.
Thanks for your words of support.
By the way, I should mention that my parents (especially my mother) would rather kill themselves and me too rather than go into any sort of retirement community, or even hire someone to come to their house and help out. I'm going to try to convince them to hire someone, but it may take a very long time. But even if I do my best it's not going to be as much as they need, so eventually they're going to have to give in and hire someone, and start taking cabs too! No amount of oppressive super-ego or conscience in the world would have me agreeing to take them into my home. So you see, I do have limits.
Posted by Gracie2 on May 26, 2002, at 18:34:45
In reply to Re: Do the right thing?-Terra and Beardy, posted by Dinah1 on May 24, 2002, at 17:16:41
I know exactly how you feel because I am going through the same medication issues myself. I am being treated for bipolar disorder with Seroquel, an anti-psychotic that is so effective I have sung its praises many times on PB. Because of this drug I am much less moody, less anxious and, for the first time in my life, I actually sleep at night on a regular basis. It also has much less of an "emotional blunting" effect than Depakote, which nearly turned me into a zombie.
However, it's also been pretty effective at wiping out the creative part of me, which used to be quite a big part. I was an artist, in the good-amateur class, and sometimes I wander around the house and look at my paintings, which I always created in "manic" phase, drinking bottles of wine and going nearly without sleep for a week or two, all while working full-time. Afterwards, of course,I would crash and burn, sleeping almost constantly until the next manic phase. If I wasn't painting I would go on a "cleaning binge",
waxing the floors by hand, polishing woodwork and rearranging furniture until the wee hours.
Now that part of me is gone. Even though I work only part-time now, I don't get nearly as much done as I used to, and I'm often tired. I don't paint, my floors aren't waxed anymore, and I've put on weight from the non-activity.
Is it worth it? I know I was killing myself - drinking too much, not eating right, not sleeping.
I was burning my candle at both ends, but - oh, the brilliant light.
My husband says I am much easier to live with these days,and sleeping at night with the rest of the world still seems like a treat. But, damn, I feel so ordinary now.
Just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel.
-Gracie
Posted by Bookgurl99 on May 27, 2002, at 22:16:35
In reply to This is not a medication post., posted by Dinah1 on May 24, 2002, at 8:59:33
I know that this was not a med post, but Serzone worked great for my OCD without killing my cognitive abilities and motivation. Because it's an SNRI, it seems to affect us differently.
This is the end of the thread.
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