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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Greg A. on October 24, 2002, at 0:05:27
Just when I thought I was finished my course of ECTs, my doc managed to slip in a couple more. I am still off work. I am still antisocial. I am still not at all sure that I want to continue to be. I had this idea that something as extreme as ECT - or at least as extreme sounding - would be just what the doctor ordered to bring about a new me. What do I get??? The same old me. Minus a few 'friends' who can't handle the idea of ECT - but not depression free and confidently facing the world. I even missed my pdoc appointment yesterday. First time I have ever just blown off an appt. I drove around last night pondering whether 'to be or not to be'. I finally arrived at a friend's house - a mother of a friend of one daughter's - who happens to be a nurse. I think I surprised the crap out of her. She was passingly familiar with my troubles with depression (as I have never tried to conceal much) but had no answers. I went there because it was a safe place to go.
What am I trying to say here? Nothing in particular - just that something had better give here on the plus side, in the very near future. I am running out of alternatives.
Thanks for listening.
Posted by jyl on October 24, 2002, at 9:38:53
In reply to Thanks for listening . . . ., posted by Greg A. on October 24, 2002, at 0:05:27
hey greg,
next time you are out driving around,
try stopping in at a old age home or shelter with a chess board.
reaching out to other"forgotten" humans might mke a difference?even if it is them in the start.
jyl
Posted by Dinah on October 24, 2002, at 11:37:53
In reply to Thanks for listening . . . ., posted by Greg A. on October 24, 2002, at 0:05:27
Greg, I'm sorry you're having so much trouble, and that the ECT didn't work out as you had hoped.
Could you refresh my memory (and I'm sorry it's so poor)? Are you the Greg who was corresponding with Kristi, had quit drinking, and who had teenage daughters?
When deciding whether it is better to be or not to be, it's always the thought of my son that tips the balance. I know that he needs me, and that he'll always need me.
Can you tell me more about your daughters?
I know that life seems pretty bleak right now, and I am sorry.
Dinah
Posted by Greg A. on October 24, 2002, at 16:34:02
In reply to Re: Thanks for listening . . . . » Greg A., posted by Dinah on October 24, 2002, at 11:37:53
Same Greg, Dinah. And I do love my daughters. At times I can hardly believe they are from the same flesh and blood as me. And you are right - they do tip the balance. Except that they are 15 and 17 now and would rather that there was more their father didn't know about them than what he did. I am not feeling sorry for myself in this respect. It's the way life is.
I won't list the things I have done to be part of their lives as they have grown. I have done more than most and less than some, but I do get a feeling of satisfaction in looking back over those years.
I have maintained a fairly large life insurance policy and the thought crosses my mind that it might be nice to leave them with this - and yes I have ensured that the policy is not void in the event of suicide.
So where am I? Wanting to feel some happiness and ?? Is that wrong? Should I be ashamed? I don't think so.
Posted by Dinah on October 24, 2002, at 18:03:14
In reply to Re: Thanks for listening . . . ., posted by Greg A. on October 24, 2002, at 16:34:02
Greg, wanting to find some happiness isn't wrong. It's very very right. And there is some happiness out there for you. OK, I'll admit that there might also be a fair amount of pain out there for you too. But grandchildren and sticky kisses and a myriad of other pleasures are ahead of you as well. I know there are times when that doesn't seem like it's enough...
I'll tell you a secret. I'm a forty year old female who still loves and needs her Daddy. And I'm not sure he's as terrific a dad as you sound like you are. There's no time that a daughter doesn't need her daddy. And I know I'd rather have my dad than his life insurance. I hope he outlives his life insurance by a long time.
Do try to hang on. Sometimes I rage at the thought that I'm trapped in life by my obligation to my son, but the truth is that I would never want to cause him the pain that my death would cause him. Not at six, and not at sixteen.
Don't worry about your friends. They may feel a bit uncomfortable now, but they'll get over it. It's amazing how short people's memories really are.
Keep posting, and take care Greg.
Dinah
Posted by mashogr8 on October 24, 2002, at 21:40:06
In reply to Re: Thanks for listening . . . . » Greg A., posted by Dinah on October 24, 2002, at 18:03:14
Greg, I am so sorry that things are not going well.
You wrote a post some time ago in March or February, I think that I printed out because it was extremely helpful for me to hang on just one more time. Of course, I cna't find it now but I'll keep looking.
What I would like to say is no money in the entire world will help your children do without you. You know how teenagers are but you don't know how much they do wnat to hsare there life with their parents when they are 23 and 28. Suicide will deprive them of having you as a stabilizing influence or soundding board in their future. I've been reluctant to discuss my depression with my girls over the last fifteen years. But as they have aged (23 and 29 now), they have said they wished I had talked to them more about depression. And more importantly, how relieved they were that I had not succeeded or followed through on one of my hate myself times. YOur girls really are not that young to find out if they have any questions about what ECT means to them and how they might feel about it if their friends do know or might find out. You don't need to go into a lot of details with them. Encourag them to ask questions. Give them answers. Tell them how hard it is. Tell them they need not be afraid to talk of their own fears and down times. Let them see over and over how you are fighting literally for your life. Show them the lifelines that are available by using those lifelines yourself. YOu can't just dump life. If you give up, they will too. If you keep trying, your presence will have an effect on them that could never be measured.
Some of your best friends are here. Don't leave us either. You are needed. Drive around all you want but come home in the end.
Take care and please hang on.
MA
Posted by ROO on October 25, 2002, at 8:33:55
In reply to Daughtrs, posted by mashogr8 on October 24, 2002, at 21:40:06
I am 34 and the last 3 years or so, my Dad and I have
become really close....precisely because we have started
talking about his (and my own) depression...it's sort of bonded
us in a really spiritual way.I feel for you Greg, and your dilemna...I've felt the same way,
but in an opposite way---I'd like to off myself sometimes, but I won't
do it because it would kill my parents...and I couldn't do that to them.On a more hopeful note, my dad has struggled with a very painful depression for
most of his life, and it wassn't until his later years, that he has finally pulled out
of it...and he finally seems to have peace and happiness...it has inspired me...I hope I
don't have to wait that long...but at least it CAN happen....he's 65...I think he's been
happy since he was 55 or so...
Posted by NikkiT2 on October 25, 2002, at 10:35:54
In reply to Re: Daughtrs, posted by ROO on October 25, 2002, at 8:33:55
dads are the best thing ever!!! As a little kid I was always daddie slittle girl, and always was, though we clashed terribly when I was a teen and I didn't want to be near him... then I left home and we spent quality time together instead of argument time.
The next two years we became so close, and we spent alot fo time talking about wishes for the future, and he told me alot of the fmaily past and all their darkest secrets!!!
he was everything to me. he wasn't the perfect dad, far from it alot of the time, but with him I knew I had unconditional love. What ever I did, I knew my dad would love me.
I miss my dad so so much. 4 years on, the pain can be just as acute as when he was ill...
I'm just so so happy I had those two years with him after I left home (I was only 3 miles away!!).
You really won't understand how much your daugters love you and adore you and want to soend time iwth you till they're older I htink... but just think how rewarding that time willbe.
*huge huge hugs*
Nikki xx
Posted by Greg A. on October 25, 2002, at 23:52:35
In reply to Re: Thanks for listening . . . . » Greg A., posted by jyl on October 24, 2002, at 9:38:53
Sorry jyl - the old folks home will not do it for me. I think to do something selfless like that you have to be at least a little in control of your own life . . . and I am not. I find it easier, I guess to coach kids sports which I have done for many years. They demand so little from you - aside from perfection.
Anyway, thanks everyone for the affirmations of the importance of Dads. It does help some. I will try to look forward to my 2 ECTs next week and hope that things begin to turn around.
Posted by IsoM on October 30, 2002, at 19:01:27
In reply to Re: Thanks for listening . . . ., posted by Greg A. on October 25, 2002, at 23:52:35
Greg, if the ECT isn't helping that much yet, has your doctor any idea why? It's so very unusual for ECT not to help. The drawback about ECT is that its effects don't always last & something like meds needs to be considered too.
I think the way you feel towards your daughters is so wonderful. I love my sons dearly & they're all young men now. I'd fight like a mother grizzly to anyone who meant harm to them. I never had wanted to be a mother as I'm not a motherly type & I wouldn't babysit like most kids did in their teens. But I never knew how good my sons would make me feel & how much a parent is needed.
I didn't have a good relationship with my father. It was more a blow to the side of the head when we misbehaved (in his eyes). But I look at others & their closeness with their fathers & feel wistful. You give your girls something no other person on earth could - a sound basis for a closeness with another man when they get old enough to marry. Sadly, women who've had crappy fathers often make poor choices in husbands. We try hard not to but we have no good role models to judge what a good guy is really like.
I find that when we're truly needed by someone that it gives more reason for us to continue & not give up, more than anything else. Let us know how the further ECT goes & what your doctor says about your responses.
Posted by shar on October 31, 2002, at 22:05:41
In reply to Re: Thanks for listening . . . ., posted by Greg A. on October 25, 2002, at 23:52:35
>They demand so little from you - aside from perfection.
I love that quote...it's perfect.
8-)
Shar
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