![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tabitha on December 25, 2002, at 20:32:30
Here it is, delayed rage reaction to family contact. Now I remember why I stopped talking to my dad (stepdad really). Had a 20 minute phonecall today, first time we've talked since March, and that visit was insulated by enough people and activity that we weren't alone together. This crap totally unbalances me. First is, he doesn't listen to me. If I say more than about 2 sentences, he interrupts, or just responds with a subject change. It's comical. It's been this way since I was a kid. Anything that's not 100% happy is most likely to get this response. THere's zero sense of connection or being heard or talking about anything real. I shared some about my work stress lately, not much really, and after some subject changes, he says "well, I'm glad to hear everything's going good". Hello? Were you listening at all? His personality is fake hearty happy cheery superficial and it's like speaking a foreign language to try to talk about real life to him.
Then there's his utter ignorance of depression. You'd think he might have learned something by now after being married to my mom (who suicided) for 15 years, and knowing me and my brother. My brother isn't in treatment, he copes by binge eating and just generally being foul-tempered. Brother is severly obese, has serious heart trouble due to the obesity, has been told he'll live only 1-5 years more by his doctors if he doesn't lose weight (he's only 41). My dad thinks he can give him a pep talk that will cure him. He honestly thinks this. I just want to smack him. (dad, not brother. well, maybe brother too). I told him my bipolar diagnosis when it happened and he's not mentioned it since. We talk about every other health complaint of every family member. He wants to hear all about some minor foot trouble I had, long after it had resolved, and I'd told him it had resolved, and he never asks how I'm doing moodwise, or medication-wise, or anything. It's just how's your job going, and how's your car running, and do you still have your rabbits (I've not had rabbits for 5 years, I've told him this). He doesn't have alzheimers, honest. Just a total inability to remember the simplest facts of my life.
Then dad says he & wife are going to come visit me for a week. No asking me how I feel about this, just announcing his plan. They came for 2 days once and it nearly did me in. They didn't even stay with me that time, but now he's hinting about it. It's so hard to be around someone when there's no connection. It's just purely draining, and supressing my anger, and feeling guilty because I can't be superficially cheerful and "nice" like him. And his wife grates on my nerves about as much as he does. I'll have this new burden of worry about whether they'll do it or not, and when will I have to tell them they can't.
I hate him, I do. Isn't it awful to hate someone who's "nice"? Therp suggests I tell him some of this, thinks it will clear it up, but I think it will make it worse. So far every time I've tried this "clearing things up" conversation it's ended the relationship, or else it's had no impact at all, which makes me more angry.
Where's the reward for keeping up this relationship to even the minimal degree that I do? I don't see any. Drives me nuts. After a year with zero contact except a couple superficial emails I got sentimental. mistake.
Posted by Robin David John on December 25, 2002, at 21:25:24
In reply to Not quite far enough from family., posted by Tabitha on December 25, 2002, at 20:32:30
Tabby hon i feel for you ..because of my mothers lies ..i have not heard from my whole family this Christmas..I am sitting in a room all on my own...at least you got a call..feck them all thats what I say..boy you should just speak up like I did to my lieing bitch mother..you would feel better..i do and i fcehing dont miss there crap one bit...Merry Christmas hon ...keep speaking out and you will feel better ..love big Bro ..Robin
Posted by bluedog on December 25, 2002, at 23:59:59
In reply to Not quite far enough from family., posted by Tabitha on December 25, 2002, at 20:32:30
Hi Tabitha
I can only listen and offer my own experiences. MAYBE it can help put things into perspective for you.
> Here it is, delayed rage reaction to family contact.
I get this all the time and I have a close relationsip with my family. ==================================================================================================
>Then there's his utter ignorance of depression.
Even the closest of families usually display a complete ignorance (I would prefer to call it denial) of depression. In fact ignorance of depression is rampant in our society as I'm sure your completely aware of.
==================================================================================================>My dad thinks he can give him a pep talk that will cure him. He honestly thinks this.
I got my usual "pep" talk at our family christmas function yesterday. The only effect these pep talks have on me is to get me frustrated and angry and actually worsens my depression. MY own delayed reaction was to sabotage a perfectly positive and uplifting thread started by Dreamerz just above. (Dreamerz if your listening I'm STILL sorry!!!!)
==================================================================================================>He wants to hear all about some minor foot trouble I had, long after it had resolved, and I'd told him it had resolved, and he never asks how I'm doing moodwise, or medication-wise, or anything.
I think even close families feel uncomfortable when one of their members suffer from a (Oooh) "MENTAL ILLNESS" [add in the DR Evil quotation marks around the term <"MENTAL ILLNESS">] My family is actually happy to hear when I'm home from work with a physical illnes like the flu rather than me telling them the truth that I'm home with depression.
==================================================================================================
I'm sorry if I can't offer any more but I can say that my thoughts are with you. Go and watch a few episodes of "Everybody loves Raymond". The family dynamics are pretty close to the bone in that TV series.WARM regards
bluedog
Posted by Tabitha on December 26, 2002, at 0:41:27
In reply to Re: Not quite far enough from family. » Tabitha, posted by bluedog on December 25, 2002, at 23:59:59
Thanks bluedog, and Robin. Glad I'm not the only one. Bluedog, that show you mentioned, Raymond, is one I can barely stand to sit through. I know it's supposed to be a comedy, but it's so painful to watch. I want to yell at the tube, JUST MOVE AWAY ALREADY! That's my solution to crazy-making relatives, geographic distance and minimal contact. I've yet to find a better one.
Posted by Dinah on December 26, 2002, at 20:05:24
In reply to Not quite far enough from family., posted by Tabitha on December 25, 2002, at 20:32:30
Your therapist wants you to tell him you hate him? I would think that would bring a level of intensity and engagement to your relationship that would be undesirable. Distancing yourself sounds far more pleasant.
The determinedly oblivious can be maddening. Make sure you hold the boundaries firm about visiting. This is your sanctuary; don't let bad feelings into it. Let them stay at a motel and meet them somewhere neutral.
He sounds like his life is too darn good for me to give my usual annoying person advice. "Aren't you glad you aren't him? Imagine being with him 24/7." But it sounds like he's happy enough.
Life ain't fair...
Posted by Tabitha on December 27, 2002, at 2:47:42
In reply to Re: Not quite far enough from family. » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on December 26, 2002, at 20:05:24
> Your therapist wants you to tell him you hate him?
Well not exactly. She wants me to say things like "when you interrupt me or change the subject, it makes me think you don't care about my life", or some such therapy-speak. To my credit I did try having a real talk with him about our relationship once. He wrote me a heartfelt letter apologizing and promising to do better (not exactly what I wanted), then gradually everything reverted back to normal. It's just so hard to really change anything.
>
> The determinedly oblivious can be maddening. Make sure you hold the boundaries firm about visiting. This is your sanctuary; don't let bad feelings into it. Let them stay at a motel and meet them somewhere neutral.Argh. It's so hard. They just assume that if they make the trip out here, I'm going to be available for a week to entertain them, and put them up at my house. When my brother visited, he didn't even confirm the dates with me before making his reservation. In order to save himself some money, he decided to come in the middle of the week (expecting me to take vacation time) and to fly into the next city (expecting me to drive 2 hours to pick him up). I said no to both requests, and he complained about it for years. It really got tiring. I find it even harder to say no to dad & wife, since they're superficially nicer.
>
> He sounds like his life is too darn good for me to give my usual annoying person advice. "Aren't you glad you aren't him? Imagine being with him 24/7." But it sounds like he's happy enough.That would be a tough call, would I trade places with an oblivious yet superficially happy person? Dunno. Naw.
Posted by Medusa on December 27, 2002, at 5:46:41
In reply to Re: Not quite far enough from family., posted by Tabitha on December 27, 2002, at 2:47:42
> he complained about it for years.
Jeez. Where do these people get off? and why do we let them?
>since they're superficially nicer.
Superficially. You still buying that?
Can you be firm about them not staying with you, and firm about not having time for them?
Please try to protect yourself. I've tried the distance solution, and yes, it can be part of an improvement ... but saying NO and setting boundaries has to be in play, too.
My parents are on another continent, and it's taken a lot of NOs from me to keep them in their places. Mother whines to her friends about how much I've hurt her, and Duh forbids the kids from contact with me. Whatever. It's better than them STAYING with me so they can hang out for free in TouristTown. That's not closeness, it's delusion.
I'm sorry your father is such a self-doofer.
Posted by Dinah on December 27, 2002, at 9:23:19
In reply to Re: Not quite far enough from family., posted by Tabitha on December 27, 2002, at 2:47:42
> She wants me to say things like "when you interrupt me or change the subject, it makes me think you don't care about my life", or some such therapy-speak.
You're right. That doesn't cause a lot of change. It works best when you can use it as a broken record, but that would mean being in more contact with him. Not what you had in mind. Even then it rarely makes any difference other than to make you feel better. I haven't found that people change. Works great on kids though.
> I said no to both requests, and he complained about it for years. It really got tiring. I find it even harder to say no to dad & wife, since they're superficially nicer.
If you do it politely, with great concern for their comfort and finding them a reasonably priced hotel and a list of things to occupy them when you are so unfortunately tied up at work their superficial niceness should prevent them from making your life miserable about it. Hey, use their character flaws against them!!
> That would be a tough call, would I trade places with an oblivious yet superficially happy person? Dunno. Naw.
>No, me neither. Perhaps superficially happy has to be accompanied by oblivious.
Posted by bookgurl99 on December 28, 2002, at 0:31:08
In reply to Not quite far enough from family., posted by Tabitha on December 25, 2002, at 20:32:30
I'm no therapist, but to me it sounds like you're mad that your stepdad _allowed_ your mom to self-suicide by being unwilling to face depression and 'mental health issues.' You see him sticking his head like an ostrich in the sand around your issues, and part of you blames him for doing the same around her. Am I right?
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.