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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by misslalou on March 15, 2003, at 0:53:50
I find that my life is nothing more then a harsh, cruel and cold game that I play every day. It seems the harder I try to live and follow its rule the more it thrashes me around beating me with its cruel punishments. There simply is no way to win and the only way is out. I mean I have tried every medication under the sun. I attend a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group for 2 hours every week and have been in it for 2 ½ years. I see my private therapist every week. I self-harm and use to do it several times a day and now can go months between episodes. I’m simply tired of life throwing me bad news all the time. Three years ago I lost 12 people, in the last 2 years I’ve lost another 7. The last person was my mother who died 3 months ago. All my grandparents are gone, my father, a brother, a sister, all but 3 uncles, one aunt, and numerous others and I’m only 33. This week I received news that my bests friends sister who has breast cancer may have finally reached the end. My favorite uncle who is a diabetic is in very bad shape with an infection that has gone into the nerves of his face and brain, also a staff infection, his kidneys are not functioning well, his blood pressure is 200+ and his blood sugar is over 300. Then lastly my best friend’s husband is being sent to Kuwait for 6 months next week. I just don’t see the point in going on when all I seem to ever hear in my life is news of someone else I love dying. I’d rather be dead with them all now. I screwed up and ended up cutting on Monday and I finally told my boyfriend today. He didn’t take the news very well. I just came home from a 10-day hospital stay on March 3rd so this really has him worried. I didn’t dare tell him that I’m feeling suicidal again, he’d probably drive me back to the damn hospital. I just don’t know how to bring myself out of the despair this time. I try to convince myself to want to live for my children, but it just isn’t working. My therapist says I need to want to live for myself, but I hate myself and always have. We both agree that needs to change, but I wonder if I can hold on long enough for that. I haven’t had an easy life, my therapist says it was a miracle that I lived through my childhood. He tells me to use that strength to get through this period, but I’m so tired of being strong and fighting. I’m rambling here and not even sure why I’m posting this. I’ve probably said way too much and really just needed to vent. No response is necessary.
Posted by justyourlaugh on March 15, 2003, at 1:21:20
In reply to Just Venting, posted by misslalou on March 15, 2003, at 0:53:50
hey,
its ok to reach out,
you can email me
i am like you.
mommy,
if you are new at this you will see that addmitting illness is no where near the "root " of the poison..what a sick word we live in when a child comes home.......,,and we want to call it an act of god.through prayer,,, but .her dad is quoteded as as saying.."if any child deserved to lived ,shes so...
"""
i just cant help it,,little rich white girl...
where the hell is the passion ,the raw ach..........
Posted by fayeroe on March 15, 2003, at 8:32:49
In reply to ppsstt » misslalou, posted by justyourlaugh on March 15, 2003, at 1:21:20
Dear missalou: this may sound trite, but if you've lived through what you related to us, you've the strength to go on for yourself. concentrate of doing this for you. i AM responding to you even though you said it wasn't necessary. i understand your feelings and will be on here for you any time that i'm awake and home.
please try to take it hour by hour or minute by minute. sometimes, i count seconds. then a day like today comes along and the sun (which we haven't had in ages) comes up and my dog, fayeroe, licks me awake and i struggle out of bed and thank my higher power for my gifts. sometimes the madness and pain seems to be stronger than i am..but it isn't. there's something in you that is strong and you are in my prayers. xoxoxo pat
Posted by justyourlaugh on March 15, 2003, at 10:34:06
In reply to ppsstt » misslalou, posted by justyourlaugh on March 15, 2003, at 1:21:20
Posted by paxvox on March 15, 2003, at 18:58:42
In reply to Just Venting, posted by misslalou on March 15, 2003, at 0:53:50
Well...........OK. What is your DX? What meds are you on? Do you have a job? How many children? How old are they. Life is not fair, nobody ever said it was. As a matter of fact, nature is incredibly cruel truth be known. People exist who don't want to live. People die who want to live. It's a riddle without an answer, I'm sorry. You. Now let's take a look. You have been through the sh*t, no questions there, yet here you are. Is there some cosmic reason for that? (I think so, but that is a religious issue that I will not address here). You. Do you WANT to be well? Sounds stupid, doesn't it. However, it's a very deep question that goes well beyond the obvious. Do you WANT to be well? Some of us get so used to the crap we lay in that we are afraid to change. Sure, something might help us if we tried it, but that would mean change, which leaves us vulnerable. So, we become comfortable in our crap. Do you like it? Is it a choice? Have you tried to get out of it? Is the risk worth it? Do you want to be well? Get up out of your crap, wash yourself off, and find the healing. It's there, don't say you've tried everything. You cannot control what life throws your way. You have been hit with a lot of it. You can, however, control how you choose to deal with what comes at you. Get up, clean yourself off and find that healing force. WANT it, make it so.
PAX
Posted by misslalou on March 16, 2003, at 2:12:56
In reply to Re: Just Venting, posted by paxvox on March 15, 2003, at 18:58:42
> Well...........OK. What is your DX? What meds are you on? Do you have a job? How many children? How old are they. Life is not fair, nobody ever said it was. As a matter of fact, nature is incredibly cruel truth be known. People exist who don't want to live. People die who want to live. It's a riddle without an answer, I'm sorry. You. Now let's take a look. You have been through the sh*t, no questions there, yet here you are. Is there some cosmic reason for that? (I think so, but that is a religious issue that I will not address here). You. Do you WANT to be well? Sounds stupid, doesn't it. However, it's a very deep question that goes well beyond the obvious. Do you WANT to be well? Some of us get so used to the crap we lay in that we are afraid to change. Sure, something might help us if we tried it, but that would mean change, which leaves us vulnerable. So, we become comfortable in our crap. Do you like it? Is it a choice? Have you tried to get out of it? Is the risk worth it? Do you want to be well? Get up out of your crap, wash yourself off, and find the healing. It's there, don't say you've tried everything. You cannot control what life throws your way. You have been hit with a lot of it. You can, however, control how you choose to deal with what comes at you. Get up, clean yourself off and find that healing force. WANT it, make it so.
>
> PAXI have BPD, PTSD and chronic major depression. I am currently taking 400mg of Topamax as a mood stabilizer, 80mg Strattera for depression, 200mg of Seroquel for sleep, 400mg of Trazodone for sleep and 1mg of Ativan as need for anxiety. I am on permanent disability and have been on it for 2 years now and I work 40 hours a month. My therapist will not allow me to work any more then this. He says it will be at least a few more years before we can even start to look at me returning to a part time job, but it’s doubtful that I’ll ever be able to go back into my former field. I use to run a company and worked 65 hour weeks and was on call 24/7. I have a son who just turned 16 and a daughter who will be 14 this May. They are both well behaved and neither of them has become involved in the wrong crowds or bad thing so far thankfully. As for your question, do I want to get well? Yes that is a very deep and complex question. At this very moment I’d have to say most of me doesn’t. Obviously there is a part of me that still does or I’d be dead. I wouldn’t still be keeping in close communication with my personal therapist and going to my group therapy every week. Generally yes I do want to get well. If I hadn’t then three years ago when I had a complete break down I wouldn’t have made a phone call for help, I’d have killed myself. I have made great strides in my healing over the last three years. I use to cut many many times a day, now I can go months without cutting. I go to a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group every week and have been for 2 ½ years now. I will continue to go to this group as long as I need to learn and reinforce the skills and coping techniques that are taught in this group. Three years ago it was my therapists who were throwing me in the hospital nearly every 3 weeks because I was so out of control and suicidal. Now I know when I’ve reached the edge and I can’t contract for safety. I can go to my therapist on my own and say I need to go into the hospital and I go in very rarely now. So what has me at this low point. Things have just stacked up on me very quickly and I’m having a hard time coping with it all. I don’t want to feel the pain or accept the pain of my mother’s death and I received news this week that two people I love dearly are at deaths door. This also happens to be the month that my father and my favorite grandfather died. They died 20 days apart in the same year. It’s also my birthday in two weeks, my first one without my mother and my twin brother is in jail so I will truly be alone for it this year. I’m tired of getting news of loved ones dying or being dead. I’m tired of hurting being someone has just died. I miss my mother, I miss my father, hell I miss my family and would give anything to see them all again. I’m just tired right now. I’m scared to answer my phone because I know it may be a call that one of these loved ones is dead. I’m tired of everyone dying. I miss them all and I just want to be with them right now. I’ve really rambled on here. I’ve probably made no sense at all either sorry.
Posted by bozeman on March 16, 2003, at 2:18:01
In reply to howdoigetmyemailadressoffthisthing? (nm), posted by justyourlaugh on March 15, 2003, at 10:34:06
Off which thing, dear?
Posted by Dr. Bob on March 16, 2003, at 10:02:14
In reply to howdoigetmyemailadressoffthisthing? (nm), posted by justyourlaugh on March 15, 2003, at 10:34:06
> howdoigetmyemailadressoffthisthing?
Sorry, I'm not sure what you're asking, can you be more specific? If you'd rather email me instead of posting, that's fine. Thanks,
Bob
Posted by Dr Eamerz on March 16, 2003, at 15:57:34
In reply to Re: howyougetyouremailadressoffthisthing, posted by Dr. Bob on March 16, 2003, at 10:02:14
Posted by paxvox on March 17, 2003, at 19:53:51
In reply to Re: Just Venting » paxvox, posted by misslalou on March 16, 2003, at 2:12:56
No, oh my, no. If you were able to make that post, you have quite a bit of cognitive ability and functionality. You ARE in a bit of of tight spot though, indeed. I will have to think about you for a while before I can proffer any thoughts of assistance. Keep posting, I'll keep reading, when I think I have a "feel" for you, I will respond (hopefully in a more positive manner) to you. Keep your chin up kiddo!
PAX
This is the end of the thread.
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