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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 10 to 34 of 34. Go back in thread:
Posted by Krissy P on March 26, 2003, at 11:26:21
In reply to Internet men :) » Kar, posted by NikkiT2 on March 26, 2003, at 11:22:36
Nikki, that's awesome! :-)
I think Todd is tied up at work, he is very busy there, and I respect that.
have a great day and keep those good memories sweetie:-)
All the best, Kristen
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I met my hubby online too.. *grins* At a UK based chat site.. I can remember being so freaked out that I was developing feelings for someone on line (I'd been using the internet for a couple of years, but this was my first foray into an actual chat room! We'd been chatting each day weeks, and then suddenly he dissapeared for 2 weeks.. It was then that I realised the feelings.. It was awful.. then suddenly, 2 weeks later he pops up again asking for my email address!!! He'd been tied up at work, and had lost internet access for those 2 weeks so hadn't got any of messages!! It wasn't till 3 months later than we actually met in the flesh.. and he didn't go home after that date *w*
Ah.. nice to have good memories today.
Nikki
Posted by Krissy P on March 26, 2003, at 11:42:17
In reply to Ah the mystery » Krissy P, posted by Kar on March 26, 2003, at 10:25:35
Hi Karen:-)
thanks for the reply.
You are so funny when you say "for cripes sake"...I hear ya here. You have such a great attitude on this and it's helping me a lot. thank you for that.
yes, I saw this guy last week, Todd. We had gotten in touch back in May of 2002, when I had moved to Oregon. I moved back to California and we decided to meet up:-)
Oh no in any way am I smothering him-I know that-I'm actually a little shy when it comes to guys. Don't wanna analyze that lol lol I just know where to set my boundaries lol
Tomorrow it will be a week since I've heard from him.
Our 'date' started with a hug, reminiscing about our 10 year reunion, and ended with 2 hugs, to add to a few touchy feely taps throughout the evening.
Basically he said take care, and come back. Yes, I know he had a good time, in fact, a girl had said to him, when I left,"Todd-I like her" so maybe that helped heheheh-just a little nudge? who knows.
Anyway, That's all I can remember, you can see that I really am interested in this guy lol:-) I am.
Maybe I'll email him again and just put hope you got this, write, I know you're probably busy, etc. so we'll see......and maybe something like I haven't heard from you in about a week...(which isn't that long)I, too, would think that he would at least email me, but maybe he didn't get my email-I don't think that is the case-he did-he got the other ones, BUT, he did say something like, "I must have been only replying, because I had a different email addy for you" (my old one), but he has my cell and my home # too *sigh* lol
anyway, yes, Nikki does have some great input:0)
(hugs to you Nikki)thanks for this what do you think now? lol
kristen:-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------hey Kristen. I'm Karen; welcome to the board!
So I need a little more info. You saw this guy last week but you were e-mailing and talking for how long prior to that? It's so frustrating that this always becomes such a guessing game, isn't it? It doesn't really sound like you're threatening him...in other words making him feel "smothered". You know how they can be. 4 days is a good amount of time to wait.
How did your date end? Did he say, "See you soon" or what? Also, from today, how long has it been since you e-mailed? Nikki was right (i think it was she who said this)that it is a slight possiblity that he didn't get the message. Althooooough...he really should've e-mailed you regardless.
I met my husband online. I remember after our first date on a Sunday, I saw him again on Monday night. I thought things were just ducky (it turnes out they were). He e-mailed Tues. Stop. Nothing Wed-Saturday and I got all huffy. You know, the old "Well I didn't really like him anyway" rationale. I talked to my women friends and my guy friends. The guy friends said that they didn't really think it was unusual that he hadn't e-mailed or called and it didn't mean that he wasn't interested. Just clueless. So I waited. Saturday the stinker called to see if I wanted to go out that night, for Cripes sake! We still joke about it. He didn't even think that it was anything...he was just wrapped up with work. He had thought about me but just didn't get around to calling. Man. So unpredictable. I think a lot of women (I anyway) have a tendency to analyze things more and act a little more sensitively. Then when men don't act in kind, we assume that something's amiss. It might not be. But how annoying.
I don't know what to tell you. When i waited he ended up getting around to calling. I felt as if I'd coming across as too needy if i wrote again. My only caution re: e-mailing him again is that if he is shy or leery (or who knows what), he might get spooked. It sounds like he had as good a time as you did.
hang in and congrats on your soon to be earned degree!
Karen
Posted by Tabitha on March 26, 2003, at 14:43:54
In reply to Re: Ah the mystery » Kar, posted by Krissy P on March 26, 2003, at 11:42:17
Hi, just weighing in with my opinion, if he has your phone #s then the ball is in his court. Even if your email did get lost it's still better to wait on him to contact you now. You know you're interested, and you're not sure about him at this point, so that's time to back off and see what HE does. Otherwise, you can't tell if he's interested equally, or just responding politely to your efforts. Save yourself some heartache, it's no fun pursuing a guy who may or may not be interested. Best wishes.
Posted by Krissy P on March 26, 2003, at 15:00:41
In reply to Re: Ah the mystery » Krissy P, posted by Tabitha on March 26, 2003, at 14:43:54
Hi there,
I emailed him one more time and it is the last until I hear from HIM-I will not be desparate here. I don't go there lol
I just said:
Hi Todd, hope you got my email and my new cell #. Hope you are doing good.
Kristen
That's it,
What do you think? lolThat's it-the ball is is in his court and the score is 2-1 lol
thanks Tabitha:-)
Kristen--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Hi, just weighing in with my opinion, if he has your phone #s then the ball is in his court. Even if your email did get lost it's still better to wait on him to contact you now. You know you're interested, and you're not sure about him at this point, so that's time to back off and see what HE does. Otherwise, you can't tell if he's interested equally, or just responding politely to your efforts. Save yourself some heartache, it's no fun pursuing a guy who may or may not be interested. Best wishes.
Posted by dogboy on March 27, 2003, at 3:56:54
In reply to Thanks Tabitha :-) I hear ya very well:-) » Tabitha, posted by Krissy P on March 26, 2003, at 15:00:41
I'd say that's as far as you can really take it.
If he doesn't reply, it doesn't necessarily mean he wants to avoid you, but it does strongly suggest he's not thinking along romantic lines.
Posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 11:19:35
In reply to That's a wrap!, posted by dogboy on March 27, 2003, at 3:56:54
Posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 12:18:59
In reply to A guy who hasn't called LOL............, posted by Krissy P on March 25, 2003, at 23:20:26
hi kristen,
here's my big fat over-generalization about the boy-girl / men-women / dogs-cats romantic thing:
girls get to grow up in presumption of emotional acceptance and in acceptance of their having emotions, being emotional and practicing emoting...and these are all really healthy things.
ok, Not all girls get to grow up that way... but Generally, they get to do so significantly more than boys do.
comparatively, boys get much less (if any at all) affective support, practice or training ... stereotypically boys get less acceptance, indulgence or even tolerance of their emoting and their feelings, in general.
one group gets tolerance, indulgence and encouragement when they cry or express exuberance, whereas the other group is discouraged from crying or showing their feelings or even feeling their feelings.
this disparity has the effect of encouraging girls (women!) to develop robust affective strengths and abilities, While boys' (really 'boys'!) deprivation tends to make them Comparatively, underdeveloped emotional weaklings. ... guys tend to hide their feelings from others out of defensive self-preservation and they tend to hide From their feelings because emotions are such intense things for them because they Are emotionally puny ... and these classical guy strategies conspire to keep them from developing emotionally.
all of which is an overlong description of how women are more mature than men ...
so, when this stereotypical girl goes out with our stereotypical guy, the guy may have finally screwed up his courage to take this big risk onto the battlefield of emotions we’d call ‘romance’, but once the interaction is engaged (and likely no-real-big-thing for the girl/woman) it starts to seem really spooky for the guy, because of this sense of being overmatched and in over his head and just generally threatened: :
“What if she expects *something*, ...like me to have a ... response ... idea ... a clue?” “AAAAAAAAA! RUN AWAY!!”
and then maybe later when he can calm down, he might think, “hey, that wasn’t so bad ... it isn’t like she could kill me ... she seemed nice ... maybe ... Maybe .... i could try that again!”
i guess what i’m suggesting is that for a lot of guys this is beyond just fear of intimacy, let alone fear of commitment, ... this is so before guys can even get there .... more like fear of even “out-imacy”.
i’d guess i was in my 30s before i got over these kind of feelings and felt like what i could call emotionally developed ... maybe.
my big brotherly advice about mister hasn’t-called-back-guy ? ... you have got it exactly right: wait him out, but no holding of any breath there... more advice? ... finding a mature intact male dating-like companion Might require planting the acorn and cultivating it till it does its oak tree thing (?) because they don’t come from the factory that way ... they just need some growing up .... okay, maybe a lot of growing up ... patience of a saint would help.
Good luck , sweetie!
hope i made you smile!
~ jim
Posted by Tabitha on March 27, 2003, at 13:32:56
In reply to Re: guy who hasn't called » Krissy P, posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 12:18:59
interesting thoughts lil jimi. So... you're saying men (particularly the 20-ish ones) are just plain afraid of women, because they feel emotionally ... inferior isn't quite the right word... out-matched? I never thought of it that way.
Posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 13:39:22
In reply to Re: guy who hasn't called » lil' jimi, posted by Tabitha on March 27, 2003, at 13:32:56
and is probably bi-lateral with both sexes to some extent...what do you guys think??? ~me
Posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 13:42:01
In reply to Re: guy who hasn't called » lil' jimi, posted by Tabitha on March 27, 2003, at 13:32:56
Posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 13:55:10
In reply to IMHO, I think that may continue on into adulthood , posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 13:39:22
> and is probably bi-lateral with both sexes to some extent...what do you guys think??? ~me
Ah, yes, please let's have the gals take up the alternative(s) here:
given comparable ages and backgrounds,
guys are emotional wimps (with some reasons);
gals are emotional athletes/ olympians (just for some gross overstatement's sake) .Let the debate begin!
(but please, no one think i'm taking myself this seriously, okay?)
~ jim aka 'lil' jimi' ... "Axis: Bold as Love"
Posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 14:08:03
In reply to Re: IMHO, I think that may continue on into adulthood , posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 13:55:10
Posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 14:08:21
In reply to IMHO, I think that may continue on into adulthood , posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 13:39:22
> and is probably bi-lateral with both sexes to some extent...what do you guys think??? ~me
and to agree with Sailor, (although uni-laterally!):
Yes, there's the fatal form of this deficiency for guys we call the Peter Pan Syndrome, wherein we never grow up ... certainly we see many, many full-grown older male people, who are not adults and therefore not really "men".(now at least the guys should respond in their defense? maybe? maybe not.)
fuel for thought(s),
~ jim
Posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 14:12:05
In reply to Re: IMHO, I think that may continue on into adulthood » lostsailor, posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 14:08:21
ic code for that. Thank God I was a social worker for a while. I would fall into the PPS I think, but do still consider my-self a 'grown man" in a way.
Posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 14:15:12
In reply to Hey, a fellow hendrix fan!!!! (nm), posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 14:08:03
Posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 14:28:38
In reply to I'll check my DSM for the for the correct diagnost, posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 14:12:05
> ic code for that. Thank God I was a social worker for a while. I would fall into the PPS I think, but do still consider my-self a 'grown man" in a way.
i consider myself in continuous recovery from PPS ... hey, it takes one to know one (referring to me) ... but i benefit from my support group at home ... my wife/angel and our 4 year-old superhero ... they deserve an adult man in their lives ... which is why i take my meds!
we may only really "grow up" when we accept that we must always being growing up...
maybe?" ... but are you ... experienced.. ? ...."
~ jim
Posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 14:47:27
In reply to Re: I'll check my DSM for the for the correct diagnost » lostsailor, posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 14:28:38
t sure I'll ever be but am a dod to one of my ex's sons. His dad is a real as* and has been absent for the majority of his life. His mom used to say it takes a dic* to be a father but a man to be a dad. it's too bad that she is now using him as a pawn in order for us to get back together.
Honestly , at one point a year or so ago, reconciliations may have been able to have been made, but once I saw her manipulating the situation with a child, the reconciliation could NEVER happen. I have now lost almost all respect for her...
Posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 15:02:32
In reply to sort of...i am not a biological father and am no, posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 14:47:27
> t sure I'll ever be but am a dod to one of my ex's sons. His dad is a real as* and has been absent for the majority of his life. His mom used to say it takes a dic* to be a father but a man to be a dad. it's too bad that she is now using him as a pawn in order for us to get back together.
>
> Honestly , at one point a year or so ago, reconciliations may have been able to have been made, but once I saw her manipulating the situation with a child, the reconciliation could NEVER happen. I have now lost almost all respect for her...dear lost-o,
i feel for you, man. ... but i feel for that exploited youngster even more ... heart *ache* ... the little ones are smart; they know what's up ... very sad.
hang in there fellow Hendrix rocker,
~ jim
p.s. "manic depression is capturing my soul ..."
Posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 15:26:57
In reply to Re: not a biological father » lostsailor, posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 15:02:32
Mike is her son in question...we live in different countries (they are in Canada and I'm In the states)when I send mike Pin 3's for phone cards so he can call me when he wants. About 3 months ago while on the phone with him I heard him screem at his mother...and I quote, "why can't you get it ,mom, the two of you are not going to ever get back together, but why does that have to involve the two of us" (bieng he and I/ me and him???).
recently, I talked to my pdoc about this, who is now a child specialist but still treats his pre -existing "adult" patients, that it is in Mike's best interest that I let his mother make the call.
this really sort of sucks. He has been let down before and that was a promise she asked me to make to her when we first started dating years ago--that I would not do the same to him. I have tried every way imaginable to maintain the relationship, but think it is best to take my docs advice so he does not suffer repercutions at home (he is 8). I tried to talk to his mother about this and her reply is, if you want to be involved with Mike, you and I must reunite.As much as I would love to do that for hs sake, it is not a viable option at all. I have asked to at least come up and make some closure with Mike and when I did , he was not there (at his aunt's) and found it to be a ploy to have us spen some "quality time" together and fix things. This can't be done anylonger. I will not date/marry someone that I no longer love.
I feel like a "deadbeat dad" for this in a way, but like doc reminds me, I have done more then most men would ever do. I have thought about calling him when he stays over at a mutual friend's house on some weekends, even that in docs opinion, may only complicate matters worse for him.
I feel powerless, but at the same time want to do what is best for him. I feel like I have failed as a father before I have even reproduced. It really sucks, but I agree with doc considering his and my understanding of chilhood development. I just hope he knows who the real culprit is and I think he does. The mutual friend I mentioned before is a great person and is in my defence totally. I'll probably always remain friends with Tom and Angela, and hope when Mike is of age he wants to look me up someday if just to chat here and there. both tom and angie have promised that they will give him my contact info at anytime, I but I guess that time will either come when his mom grows up a bit or he turns 16--8 years from now...it's really a bummer on all fronts...
Thanks, bud, ~tony
Posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 15:31:15
In reply to sort of...i am not a biological father and am no, posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 14:47:27
> t sure I'll ever be but am a dod to one of my ex's sons. His dad is a real as* and has been absent for the majority of his life. His mom used to say it takes a dic* to be a father but a man to be a dad. it's too bad that she is now using him as a pawn in order for us to get back together.
>
> Honestly , at one point a year or so ago, reconciliations may have been able to have been made, but once I saw her manipulating the situation with a child, the reconciliation could NEVER happen. I have now lost almost all respect for her...hey lostone,
and another thing:
i Don't seem to remember wendy holding the lost boys (or tinker bell?) hostage in order to blackmail peter?i just hate that when it happens!
~ jim
Posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 15:57:47
In reply to Re: not a biological father, posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 15:26:57
> Mike is her son in question...we live in different countries (they are in Canada and I'm In the states)when I send mike Pin 3's for phone cards so he can call me when he wants. About 3 months ago while on the phone with him I heard him screem at his mother...and I quote, "why can't you get it ,mom, the two of you are not going to ever get back together, but why does that have to involve the two of us" (bieng he and I/ me and him???).
>
> recently, I talked to my pdoc about this, who is now a child specialist but still treats his pre -existing "adult" patients, that it is in Mike's best interest that I let his mother make the call.
> this really sort of sucks. He has been let down before and that was a promise she asked me to make to her when we first started dating years ago--that I would not do the same to him. I have tried every way imaginable to maintain the relationship, but think it is best to take my docs advice so he does not suffer repercutions at home (he is 8). I tried to talk to his mother about this and her reply is, if you want to be involved with Mike, you and I must reunite.
>
> As much as I would love to do that for hs sake, it is not a viable option at all. I have asked to at least come up and make some closure with Mike and when I did , he was not there (at his aunt's) and found it to be a ploy to have us spen some "quality time" together and fix things. This can't be done anylonger. I will not date/marry someone that I no longer love.
>
> I feel like a "deadbeat dad" for this in a way, but like doc reminds me, I have done more then most men would ever do. I have thought about calling him when he stays over at a mutual friend's house on some weekends, even that in docs opinion, may only complicate matters worse for him.
>
> I feel powerless, but at the same time want to do what is best for him. I feel like I have failed as a father before I have even reproduced. It really sucks, but I agree with doc considering his and my understanding of chilhood development. I just hope he knows who the real culprit is and I think he does. The mutual friend I mentioned before is a great person and is in my defence totally. I'll probably always remain friends with Tom and Angela, and hope when Mike is of age he wants to look me up someday if just to chat here and there. both tom and angie have promised that they will give him my contact info at anytime, I but I guess that time will either come when his mom grows up a bit or he turns 16--8 years from now...it's really a bummer on all fronts...
> Thanks, bud, ~tonytone,
i hurt for your tragedy ... a true and bad bummer indeed ... 8 years old ... man, those guys Need a dad, big time ...
But, my friend, you are Not being a deadbeat dad! ... you have hung when you did Not have to hang and you still feel the heart strings tug ... my guess is that the expert, child-psych specialist knows that 8 is just too young to explain and ask acceptance from Mike about the trauma/drama with his mom ... too much for him to have to handle... and too incriminating against his mom for depriving him of you.... yeah, i can see how you don't/can't go there.
we must play with the cards we get dealt and even if there aren't any "good" cards in our hand, we play them the best we can... there ain't nothing else.
but hey, you're on meds, doing what you can and we have to take care of tony for him (you) to be good for anyone... and you're being good here... do the best you can... don't give yourself any harder time than you have to... let the rest take care of its self.
" ... and if 6 turned out to be 9 ..."
~ jim
Posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 19:06:43
In reply to Re: not a biological father » lostsailor, posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 15:57:47
hey just wanted to thak you for the 'chat' today. i got me thinking and sorted it all out pretty well. You are right on the money....and if 6 turned out to be 9, I would not mind...
Posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 19:13:27
In reply to Re: not a biological fatherjimi, posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 19:06:43
Posted by lostsailor on March 27, 2003, at 19:26:14
In reply to Re: not a biological father » lostsailor, posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 15:57:47
hey just wanted to thak you for the 'chat' today. i got me thinking and sorted it all out pretty well. You are right on the money....and if 6 turned out to be 9, I would not mind...
Posted by Krissy P on March 27, 2003, at 22:11:15
In reply to Re: guy who hasn't called » Krissy P, posted by lil' jimi on March 27, 2003, at 12:18:59
hi there,
yes you did make me smile. Thanks for your nice reply! I actually heard back from him, I think I posted it, lol, and he just asked if I was coming down at all this weekend to his work. I emailed him back and said I wasn't feeling up to par lately, but could he get back to me. I have, obviously, been having some rough days, (just look at my posts, lol), so I just emailed him that. Who knows what he thinks, but your post was awesome LOL :-)
I sometimes wonder if I was just meant to be single all my life, I am so tired of dating, I want to settle down, but I also don't want to be in a relationship when I can't comtribute to it like a guy deserves. It goes back to life is what happens when we're making other plans-so maybe I should change my attitude about the previous statement?
LOL
Have a good one and thanks again:-)
Kristen
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> hi kristen,
>
> here's my big fat over-generalization about the boy-girl / men-women / dogs-cats romantic thing:
>
> girls get to grow up in presumption of emotional acceptance and in acceptance of their having emotions, being emotional and practicing emoting...and these are all really healthy things.
>
> ok, Not all girls get to grow up that way... but Generally, they get to do so significantly more than boys do.
>
> comparatively, boys get much less (if any at all) affective support, practice or training ... stereotypically boys get less acceptance, indulgence or even tolerance of their emoting and their feelings, in general.
>
> one group gets tolerance, indulgence and encouragement when they cry or express exuberance, whereas the other group is discouraged from crying or showing their feelings or even feeling their feelings.
>
> this disparity has the effect of encouraging girls (women!) to develop robust affective strengths and abilities, While boys' (really 'boys'!) deprivation tends to make them Comparatively, underdeveloped emotional weaklings. ... guys tend to hide their feelings from others out of defensive self-preservation and they tend to hide From their feelings because emotions are such intense things for them because they Are emotionally puny ... and these classical guy strategies conspire to keep them from developing emotionally.
>
> all of which is an overlong description of how women are more mature than men ...
>
> so, when this stereotypical girl goes out with our stereotypical guy, the guy may have finally screwed up his courage to take this big risk onto the battlefield of emotions we’d call ‘romance’, but once the interaction is engaged (and likely no-real-big-thing for the girl/woman) it starts to seem really spooky for the guy, because of this sense of being overmatched and in over his head and just generally threatened: :
>
> “What if she expects *something*, ...like me to have a ... response ... idea ... a clue?” “AAAAAAAAA! RUN AWAY!!”
>
> and then maybe later when he can calm down, he might think, “hey, that wasn’t so bad ... it isn’t like she could kill me ... she seemed nice ... maybe ... Maybe .... i could try that again!”
>
> i guess what i’m suggesting is that for a lot of guys this is beyond just fear of intimacy, let alone fear of commitment, ... this is so before guys can even get there .... more like fear of even “out-imacy”.
>
> i’d guess i was in my 30s before i got over these kind of feelings and felt like what i could call emotionally developed ... maybe.
>
> my big brotherly advice about mister hasn’t-called-back-guy ? ... you have got it exactly right: wait him out, but no holding of any breath there... more advice? ... finding a mature intact male dating-like companion Might require planting the acorn and cultivating it till it does its oak tree thing (?) because they don’t come from the factory that way ... they just need some growing up .... okay, maybe a lot of growing up ... patience of a saint would help.
>
> Good luck , sweetie!
>
> hope i made you smile!
> ~ jim
>
This is the end of the thread.
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