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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Snoozy on July 22, 2003, at 9:35:25
I haven't been around in a while, but I could really use some help. My concern is dealing with someone in denial (not about drugs/alcohol, more so denial of what's going on around them).
Is this something some people do to get through life and some pretty bad situations, and it's best to just leave it alone? I really don't know what to think. So I was hoping some of you could share your thoughts or experiences (good and bad) about denial. Thanks very much.
Posted by giget on July 22, 2003, at 9:55:12
In reply to Denial, posted by Snoozy on July 22, 2003, at 9:35:25
It depends if the denial can eventually hurt them or someone else. That is a cooping stage for some people. They deny until they can handle the problem, and then solve it.
If it is going to hurt another person, like physcially than you should step in to help them realize and take care of the problem...
But that is just my opinion
Posted by fallsfall on July 22, 2003, at 10:06:27
In reply to Re: Denial, posted by giget on July 22, 2003, at 9:55:12
My (ex)husband uses denial all the time as a coping mechanism. I call it "The Ostrich with his head in the sand coping style". When I left him, I told him 6 months before, that I wanted to leave. I don't think it was until a month before I left that he believed that I was actually leaving. If you deny it, then you don't have to deal with it. In my experience, people who deny don't understand that they are going to have to deal with it later anyway. It is so overwhelming that they can't see it.
If what the person is denying is going to really hurt them or someone else, then it might be appropriate to try to get them to see it. I think that there is usually a fear associated with the denial, so you may need to work the fear out before they will be able to grasp the problem.
Is it this person's responsibility to fix the problem they are denying (like a parent would be responsible for keeping their children safe)? Or are they an observer?
Good luck
Posted by Dinah on July 22, 2003, at 10:09:10
In reply to Denial, posted by Snoozy on July 22, 2003, at 9:35:25
I agree with Giget. If it's not going to hurt them or anyone else, I'd let it be. It's a basic concept of psyhotherapy that you never remove a coping mechanism unless it's harmful, and without being able to offer another one in its place.
If the denial is causing a problem, can you suggest psychotherapy? Then the problem could be addressed with the help of support and additional coping mechanisms.
My mother creates her own reality wherever she goes. It's annoying but not particularly harmful to others, and she's not willing to address the problem.
Posted by Snoozy on July 22, 2003, at 16:02:53
In reply to Denial, posted by Snoozy on July 22, 2003, at 9:35:25
Basically, my concern is for a child that I think would really benefit from some type of therapy/perhaps medication.
That sounds like a touchy suggestion under any circumstance, but if the parent thinks everything is ok....
Very, very frustrating.
Posted by noa on July 22, 2003, at 19:10:45
In reply to Denial, posted by Snoozy on July 22, 2003, at 9:35:25
Yes, I think some people have unbeleivable power of denial.
Also I think you have to decide if you think the person is going to listen to your attempts to break through the denial. Some people are very entrenched in it and it just isn't worth it--like banging your head against a brick wall. Except in certain circumstances it might be worth it. Otherwise, sometimes you gotta find another way to deal with it, cuz it can drive you nuts if you try to get them to see, and they just won't.
I speak from experience, can you tell?
Posted by Snoozy on July 22, 2003, at 23:42:37
In reply to Re: Denial » Snoozy, posted by Dinah on July 22, 2003, at 10:09:10
Thanks Dinah. May I ask if your mother is in a sort of happy-go-lucky, nobody is behaving destructively or inappropriate kind of state? I understand if this is something you don't want to get into.
>
> My mother creates her own reality wherever she goes. It's annoying but not particularly harmful to others, and she's not willing to address the problem.
Posted by Snoozy on July 22, 2003, at 23:54:31
In reply to Re: Denial, posted by noa on July 22, 2003, at 19:10:45
There is definitely a life-long pattern of denial here, about various things.
It's weird to think about - of course I've been in denial about things at some point, but the only one possibly harmed was myself. But my mind is so set on seeing all of the negatives, and projecting negatives into the future, in every situation that it's hard to fathom being totally oblivious to big problems.
Posted by Dinah on July 23, 2003, at 9:42:20
In reply to Re: Denial » Dinah, posted by Snoozy on July 22, 2003, at 23:42:37
No, I wouldn't say that. My mother isn't particularly happy go lucky. More of a bulldozer. She was the sort of mother who told me what I felt and what I wanted and nothing I would say to the contrary really penetrated. It wasn't personal though. You'd never know any event from her description of it. She just creates her own world the way she likes it, which isn't necessarily a good one. She's a drama queen, and often her spin is an exceedingly negative one.
If a child is involved, is there any other way to help? You can get the name of a good child psychologist and say something like "I noticed Timmy is xxxxx, and I've heard this guy does wonders with that." in a very low key way. But if she's deep in denial, it probably won't help and it might just make her mad. How about other avenues. Is this something a teacher might notice? Or might notice with a little help? Is it serious enough to try to do an end run around the parent? (I'm assuming that's what you're talking about.)
Posted by Snoozy on July 23, 2003, at 10:33:55
In reply to Re: Denial, posted by Dinah on July 23, 2003, at 9:42:20
My concern about this situation goes back a couple of years. About 2 years ago, I did have my therapist get a good referral for someone (in another state). I know she saw this therapist for a while, but I don't think she's still going.
The child does have a diagnosis (not a specifically psychiatric one, but I'm a bit paranoid about being too specific online). And the problem is something that everyone but the parent recognizes. I would be really interested in what her teachers say, but I'm sure they wouldn't say anything without the parents' approval.
It's getting more and more difficult to be around this child, and I absolutely know that it doesn't have to be this way.
> If a child is involved, is there any other way to help? You can get the name of a good child psychologist and say something like "I noticed Timmy is xxxxx, and I've heard this guy does wonders with that." in a very low key way. But if she's deep in denial, it probably won't help and it might just make her mad. How about other avenues. Is this something a teacher might notice? Or might notice with a little help? Is it serious enough to try to do an end run around the parent? (I'm assuming that's what you're talking about.)
This is the end of the thread.
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