![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Sabina on July 25, 2003, at 0:18:53
well, not *that* graphic, but i wanted to give fair warning to anyone who might not be strong enough to read something really (self) hateful or negative at the moment.
what with the plan i have now, i won't be found soon. it will be hot, as it is in the summer y'know, so it will be a mess by the time someone gets there to find my pathetic, melting remains.
it's funny that, even in my most desperate plans and moments, i put the position of the finder (not to mention the resale value on my car) first. when do i come first, ever? anyway, i've definitely decided to wait until it's cold weather.
i'm sure that my therapist and pdoc will be pleased to hear that. i'm sure they both lay awake at night, worrying about my absent sense of self. at least it gives me some more time to see if things might improve and also make further, cleaner plans for the alternative.
i apologize for making this post. i don't normally admit things like this, even to myself. i'm just wailing in the dark here a bit, i suppose.
sorry again.
still sorry.
if this makes you angry at me for posting something triggering, then please don't come down too hard on me right this minute? wait until later to fuss at me, because i can't take anymore meanness tongiht.
Posted by pianolady on July 25, 2003, at 1:00:31
In reply to the only reason i won't do it tonight (graphic), posted by Sabina on July 25, 2003, at 0:18:53
Sabina,
I don't know you other than noticing that you posted this very recently (within last 30 or 40 min, I think).
It is obvious that you are in a pretty bad place right now. I don't know whether you have family or close friends who love and care for you, but I'm guessing that there is at least one person out there for you who would weep at the tragedy if you were to go through with things right now.
I hurt for you and I don't even know you. In fact, I am lifting a prayer for you right now. (I hope that is not offensive, but encouraging to you).
If you are still there, please immediately call someone close to you! If you can't bring yourself to do that, go to a nearby hospital or call a crisis line.
Those of us out here who have been in a similar place as you are now know how incredibly difficult tough times can be. There may not an answer to your questions/heart's cry right now, but maybe tomorrow or the next day or the next will bring what you need. Just do whatever it takes to make it to that day.
Posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 1:25:09
In reply to the only reason i won't do it tonight (graphic), posted by Sabina on July 25, 2003, at 0:18:53
No meanness, Sabina. I'm sorry you're feeling that bad. And I'm glad of any reason that gives you more time to think about such a final decision. I hope that by autumn you'll have found reason to change your plans.
You know, it speaks very well of you that you are concerned about the reaction of those who find you. And you've shown kindness here on the board, too. I think the world would have that much less kindness around if you were to decide to leave it, and it needs all the kindness it can get.
But I'll share my own morbid story with you. I opened my last session with my total outrage at some news I recently heard. I have my own plan, one that I thought would leave no margin for error. I have no immediate intention of using it. It's sort of like a dream of fleeing to Tahiti. It's to use in a worst case scenario, when things are more than I can bear. Well, I was totally distressed to hear that someone had used the same plan I had - and lived! With only major painful injuries, probably an expensive hospital stay to cure those injuries, and probably very hurt relatives and aquaintances. All of which make my worst case scenario look even worse. The poor man. I felt so sorry for him. But also so upset that my plan was not foolproof.
My therapist laughed, and told me very gently that I always needed everything to be 100% sure. I couldn't tolerate any chance that things might not be counted on. He correctly picked up that I was hurt, and incorrectly thought it was because he was laughing about my plans going awry. It was really because he was right. I don't feel safe unless everything is 100% sure, which means I never feel safe.
I think these thoughts hurt a lot less when they're out in the open, Sabina. I hope you can talk about them with your therapist and pdoc and work hard at finding ways to make things better. My belief is that they really can be better. Maybe not Ozzie and Harriet, Brady Bunch better, but better than they are now.
Posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 1:27:27
In reply to the only reason i won't do it tonight (graphic), posted by Sabina on July 25, 2003, at 0:18:53
Sabina, Pianolady is right. If you feel that bad, even if you don't think you're going to act on it, you should probably call someone. Does your therapist or doctor take night calls? How about someone in your family? Would it help to be somewhere safe, like a hospital?
Posted by fallsfall on July 25, 2003, at 1:58:28
In reply to Re: the only reason i won't do it tonight (graphic) » Sabina, posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 1:25:09
Dinah,
I know what you mean about feeling safer when things are 100%. That must really have thrown you for a loop. Imagine how the poor guy felt. At least you have advance warning.
I don't mean to sound insensitive. I think that you know by now that I would be happy to have you around for a long time, and sad if you weren't.
But when things are intolerable, they are made more tolerable if you know that you have a solution. Sometimes, just having a plan is enough to tip the balance and have us give life a little more time.
Here's hoping that all Babblers will decide that they don't need to use their plans.
Posted by Sabina on July 25, 2003, at 2:30:12
In reply to Re: the only reason i won't do it tonight (graphic) » Sabina, posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 1:27:27
...and i've already had my "professional time" for this week. there's no one to bother with a call at this hour. and i couldn't take another round of "what i hear you saying is..." (crisis speak) right now. i've put out tentative feelers for a visit with one distant friend. i'm too afraid of the hospital option. i have insurance, but a high deductible and i'm not working right now. if i did visit my friend then i'd be away from my therapist, who i need more than i ever thought i'd believe possible. i really don't know what to do. my pdoc has decreed, no major life changes at this point. he's reallly laid back, so that comment gives me pause. i know that he sees things i don't because i'm too close to them, etc.
Posted by Sabina on July 25, 2003, at 2:40:50
In reply to Re: the only reason i won't do it tonight (graphic) » Sabina, posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 1:25:09
i think i've figured out the *perfect* one for me now, and i haven't yet read any instance of hospice care brain damage or any such thing happening with it. never had any specific plans before this past february. i always thought i would be a valley of the dolls kinda girl exit type, but not so much now...not 100%, right? the most important thing to me is: desired result, on my terms, complete, and not so much of a mess for the people who have to deal with me afterward. just musing, mind you. not until november, at least.
Posted by Sabina on July 25, 2003, at 2:42:43
In reply to Re: plans can go wrong, i guess, posted by Sabina on July 25, 2003, at 2:40:50
Posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 8:16:05
In reply to Re: the only reason i won't do it tonight (graphic) » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on July 25, 2003, at 1:58:28
I wish my therapist understood that concept. That having a way out makes staying in feel safer and more bearable. But I guess he wishes I had a different way of making life bearable than habitually thinking of a way out. Even a plan to run away to Tahiti! :) (I don't think I'd like Tahiti. Maybe a plan to run away to Wales or Scotland.)
Maybe it's something confined to those of us who are, well, whatever I am. My husband and friends don't understand the concept either.
Posted by whiterabbit on July 25, 2003, at 10:56:58
In reply to the only reason i won't do it tonight (graphic), posted by Sabina on July 25, 2003, at 0:18:53
Sabina-
I remember you're taking the Seroquel? What antidepressants have you tried? Has your pdoc given you a specific diagnosis?You can write me anytime directly if you like, I have a pretty lurid psychiatric history myself, and somehow managed to make it back to the land of the living. I don't know how long I'll be here, though!
I confronted my philandering husband last night, he got very angry when he found out that I now know WHO his girlfriend is, and that he's hiding money from me - he moved his savings to another bank. I guess he was mad because he had gone to all that trouble to be sneaky and I found out anyway. He snatched up a lamp, actually broke the cord, and threw it against the wall right next to my head. So if I disappear you guys, call the cops.
Anyway, what I was saying is, if you would like to write me directly, it's easier for me to think about the problems of other people than about this mess I'm in. It helps take my mind off more painful things...so if you don't think a phone counselor will help and you need someone to talk to, e-mail me at gracie2114@aol.com and I'll write you back.
-Gracie
Posted by Sabina on July 25, 2003, at 16:04:31
In reply to Re: the only reason i won't do it tonight » Sabina, posted by whiterabbit on July 25, 2003, at 10:56:58
thanks for your reply. the seroquel is all that kept me from totally bugging out last night. i was asleep most of the day. i'm newly dx'd Bipolar II.
do you feel better or worse now that you know who the woman is? i hope you didn't like the lamp much!
my husband told me that things would be fine if i could just "let some things go". lies and broken peomises don't just disappear, though i'm sure he wishes it was that easy.
i will probably take you up on your kind offer to write you offf the board when i'm feeling a little better, thinking more clearly. i'm still a little woozy from last night/this morning's xanax binge.
Posted by Sabina on July 25, 2003, at 16:05:40
In reply to Re: the only reason i won't do it tonight, posted by Sabina on July 25, 2003, at 16:04:31
Posted by Sabina on August 10, 2003, at 15:05:05
In reply to Re: the only reason i won't do it tonight » Sabina, posted by whiterabbit on July 25, 2003, at 10:56:58
So if I disappear you guys, call the cops.
-Gracie
has anyone been able to contact her? my emails have been returned. i'm concerned for her.
Posted by pianolady on August 10, 2003, at 17:23:18
In reply to Re: the only reason i won't do it tonight (graphic) » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on July 25, 2003, at 1:58:28
Dear all,
I just wanted all to know that I've been out a while because shortly after I wrote my last post I had to go to the hospital for about a week.
I hope that each of you is a little better than when I last posted.
Gracie, I certainly hope things are better for you. It sounds like you're in a rough place right now.
Posted by gabbix2 on August 10, 2003, at 18:25:11
In reply to Re: the only reason i won't do it--been gone, posted by pianolady on August 10, 2003, at 17:23:18
Hi Piano Lady,
I hope YOU'RE better, after being in the hospital I hope it wasn't serious.
Its nice to see your name on the board again. We haven't heard from Gracie so thats definitely a worry.
Posted by KimberlyDi on August 13, 2003, at 17:11:52
In reply to the only reason i won't do it tonight (graphic), posted by Sabina on July 25, 2003, at 0:18:53
Yep, wait until the cooler weather. Give yourself that last chance for a better tomorrow. Staying alive to avoid causing distress to someone else is a virtue. You're obviously a nice person and the world needs to keep all of those that it has. Not enough of them. Nope nope. Not mad at you posting this. I think you did the smart thing to reach out.
You can't hurt your family and friends like that. Beyond that, you can't shut yourself off. You deserve happiness, not emptiness. You deserve light and laughter, not death. Your soul and spirit should not be snuffed out. You are an original, one of a kind, there is no replacing you for anyone that knows you.
Keep procrastinating, forever.
KDi in Texas
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.