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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan J on August 11, 2003, at 14:35:40
Hi, my first original post here. Hoping someone could give me some advice. Been fighting major depression for over a year now. While I was going through therapy and trying to get myself back to normal, I became close friends with a man I work with. Short version: I thought he was really nice, deep, caring, compassionate, etc. We had expressed interest in dating, but he said he wasn't ready. Fine. We were just close friends. One night in April, I truly felt suicidal, and called him up for some moral support. All I needed was about 15 minutes of him telling me I was OK, things would work out, etc.
Not asking a lot from him, I thought, although it would have done so much for me.
He told me he didn't have time to talk to me because he was hooking up the surround sound on his stereo that evening....told me to talk to my therapist because that's what I pay her for...
I can't even describe the hurt and betrayal and disillusionment I felt.....Been angry for months about it, just finally settling down and getting over it, when he pops back up in my life again, apologizing left and right for what he had done, hoping we could be friends again.
Sent me off on a roller coaster again. I really don't want to feel this way again. I told him to stay away from me for good. But even if he heeds this, how do I stop from feeling so crappy?
I'm going to Canada for two weeks and wanted to be normal,stable, happy by then.....I feel totally derailed from that now.
I'm so tired of feeling bad.
Posted by gabbix2 on August 11, 2003, at 15:42:21
In reply to How do I get away from messed-up people?, posted by Susan J on August 11, 2003, at 14:35:40
Wow, I am so impressed that you told him to get out of your life! You have no idea. Thats something I've never stuck to my guns on, and have *always* regretted.
I'm sorry I can't help you with the how to stop feeling crappy part. I'd be a hypocrite. I'm tired of feeling bad too. It just seems that emotions scare people, and I've found very few
who can accept the intensity of depression.I just wanted to let you know how much I admire what you did, because if he can brush you off
because of his stereo even once I think thats a pretty big hint about his nature, apology or not.
Its like saying,
"Sorry I didn't try and save you when you were drowning last time, I promise, it won't happen again"
Posted by fallsfall on August 11, 2003, at 16:39:04
In reply to How do I get away from messed-up people?, posted by Susan J on August 11, 2003, at 14:35:40
My first reaction was that he was terrified of what you were going through and didn't feel that he could handle it. My second reaction was that he was a jerk. You know him better - which do you think is true?
Why are YOU feeling crappy? You asked him for a reasonable thing and he gave you an unreasonable answer. Then he expects you to pretend it never happened. I'm not seeing where you did anything wrong. Even telling him to stay away is just defending yourself - which you have every right to do.
I think you've done fine. Am I missing something?
Posted by kara lynne on August 11, 2003, at 18:42:03
In reply to How do I get away from messed-up people?, posted by Susan J on August 11, 2003, at 14:35:40
Hi Susan,
At least he's apologizing, which should give you a little validation.At least he showed his true colors before you ever started dating him.
At least you have the intelligence to tell him where to go even though he's aplogizing--something I can't seem to learn until major damage has been incurred.
Good for you.
In the meantime, come here to get away from those messed up people so you can be with these ones...; )
(speaking only for myself, of course.)
Posted by Susan J on August 12, 2003, at 9:17:39
In reply to Re: How do I get away from messed-up people? » Susan J, posted by fallsfall on August 11, 2003, at 16:39:04
Hi, guys,
Thanks so much for the encouraging words. It really did make me feel better.
This guy is very unhealthy emotionally. I didn't know it until too late. I told him about my depression, and he seemed so accepting and supportive about it. But when I tried to tell him (in a kind and non-accusative way, I think) that some of his habits aren't the healthiest, he just threw it back in my face that I was in therapy. Said "I" was the one who's unhealthy. I said at least I'm learning how to be healthy when you won't even consider something different.....
He's a jerk. I just didn't know it. I don't fall for many people (either romantically or platonically), but when I do, I fall hard and quickly -- too quickly it seems -- before I understand their true colors.
Thanks so much for everything. :-)
Posted by Susan J on August 12, 2003, at 9:24:46
In reply to Re: How do I get away from messed-up people?, posted by gabbix2 on August 11, 2003, at 15:42:21
> I'm sorry I can't help you with the how to stop feeling crappy part. I'd be a hypocrite. I'm tired of feeling bad too. It just seems that emotions scare people, and I've found very few
who can accept the intensity of depression.<<That's a great way to put it -- the intensity of depression. I never thought of that.
I'm sorry you are still feeling bad, I would never wish this type of pain on anyone. I wish I could figure out a way to explain it to people who have never experienced it.
There were times, even though apparently I've been fighting depression my whole adult life, that someone would tell me they were depressed and I just didn't get it. I figured it was just the blues, which everyone has. (I "never" turned my back on anyone like this guy did, I just didn't understand the depth of pain).
>... because if he can brush you off
because of his stereo even once I think thats a pretty big hint about his nature, apology or not.<<Yeah, "my" problem is I see people in a positive light, thinking the best of them from the very beginning. And then, even when someone shows their faults, I tell myself, well daggit, I've got faults too and I hope there is someone who accepts them. And then they do something horrible, like this, and it just breaks my heart.
>Its like saying,
"Sorry I didn't try and save you when you were drowning last time, I promise, it won't happen again"<<That's so true! You have a cool way of expressing yourself.....
Thanks!
Posted by Susan J on August 12, 2003, at 9:29:38
In reply to Re: How do I get away from messed-up people?, posted by kara lynne on August 11, 2003, at 18:42:03
>In the meantime, come here to get away from those messed up people so you can be with these ones...; )
>
> (speaking only for myself, of course.)<<Hahahah! I think everyone is messed up in some way. But you know, everyone here is trying to get better. It's the "trying" I admire.
People always try to improve at their job performance, their sports performance, etc. How come there aren't that many people who value improving their emotional health?
Posted by kara lynne on August 12, 2003, at 13:03:11
In reply to Re: How do I get away from messed-up people? » kara lynne, posted by Susan J on August 12, 2003, at 9:29:38
That is a really good question. To me it's something so essential, yet to much of the world it is something to be denied or at least given minimal consideration.
I think we're bass ackwards (can I say *that* gabbi?!)
Posted by gabbix2 on August 12, 2003, at 15:49:10
In reply to Re: How do I get away from messed-up people? » gabbix2, posted by Susan J on August 12, 2003, at 9:24:46
<<Yeah, "my" problem is I see people in a positive light, thinking the best of them from the very beginning. And then, even when someone shows their faults, I tell myself, well daggit, I've got faults too and I hope there is someone who accepts them. And then they do something horrible, like this, and it just breaks
Thats *exactly* what I do, (I realize this is kind of going off topic) I had to add it though, because I've often defended boyfriends to other friends saying
"Well its hardly 'normal' for someone to lie on the couch and cry all day,
(meaning me ) so I'm not going to toss him out on his ear because he's not perfect"
(I realize you weren't just talking about boyfriends)Unfortunately I can't say it's ever seemed to work out either! Its so hurtful and frustrating.
I was so nieve to think that the rest of the world worked on that system!
Posted by yesac on August 12, 2003, at 16:16:20
In reply to Re: How do I get away from messed-up people?, posted by kara lynne on August 12, 2003, at 13:03:11
>>How come there are so few people trying to improve their emotional health?
> That is a really good question. To me it's something so essential, yet to much of the world it is something to be denied or at least given minimal consideration.
I think maybe it's because until fairly recently, it hasn't really been thought about or addressed at all, by the medical community, by employers, by schools, by anyone. It was shoved into the background. It was stigmatized (and still is) if you can't "handle" your emotions. But I think that mental/emotional health is really starting to come to the forefront now - well, at least there are a lot of magazine articles, both scientific and less so; and doctors ask you about it, not just shrinks but GPs too (well, mine did when I saw her a few weeks ago anyway); there's a lot more research; and there's a lot more focus these days on holistic health and mind/body stuff. And I think that it's becoming a *little* easier to get help - like, insurance companies pay for at least a certain amount of therapy sessions, etc. Now if only it could get even cheaper, like, free would be nice!
I think back about my family - I had several great-grandfathers who were alcoholics, my grandmother was an alcoholic (which in my mind means that they all probably had other psychiatric problems). None of them admitted it or ever got any treatment. And I'm sure these problems have gone back a lot further. My mom and her sisters are all a bit neurotic, though none of them would ever think of seeing a therapist. They're too "tough". My dad's side of the family seems a bit more happy-go-lucky, but I think there are some alcohol problems on that side too.
My sisters and I are the first generation, as far as I can tell, who have finally sought help. And that's been hard even for us, because we too want to deny that (a) we have "issues", and (b) we need help with them. So many times people have told me that getting help is strong and admirable, and I believe it, and I hope that I can start to put an end to this suffering and denial in my family... but at the same time, I still find myself a bit ashamed about getting help, going to therapy, taking medication. It's not exactly something that I announce to the world.
Posted by Susan J on August 13, 2003, at 8:16:22
In reply to Re: How do I get away from messed-up people? » Susan J, posted by gabbix2 on August 12, 2003, at 15:49:10
Wow, you sound like my twin. :-)
Even though it hurts me (quite often), I'd rather still see people postively...makes life nicer. But I'm still working on how to truly understand that there are faults other people have that are bad bad bad for me to be around....
I broke up with my long-term boyfriend about a year and a half ago. He was horrible for me, not abusive or anything, just not "right." I'm a neatnik, he's a slob. I earn a salary so he stopped working.....that type of thing.
But you know, he's been really cool, then and now, about putting up with me crying on the couch, too. :-) I think he is the one and only person I've ever met that has been there for me in that regard for so long.....and I'm very lucky to have him. Wish I could have made it work as a romantic relationship, but it's just not there...
Good luck with everything. :-)
Susan
Posted by ROO on August 14, 2003, at 11:28:45
In reply to Re: How do I get away from messed-up people? » gabbix2, posted by Susan J on August 12, 2003, at 9:24:46
>
> <<Yeah, "my" problem is I see people in a
positive light, thinking the best of them
from the very beginning. And then, even
when someone shows their faults, I tell myself,
well daggit, I've got faults too and I hope
there is someone who accepts them.
And then they do something horrible,
like this, and it just breaks my heart.
>
>
Man, can I relate to that! And you put it so well...it's
heartbreaking. It's very angering...when you accept other
people for their faults and the acceptance isn't returned...but
I guess underneath the anger is heartbreak. I have a friend who
I still haven't really forgiven in my heart of hearts (we still hang
out, but in my heart it'll never be the same) because I underwent
a suicidal depression for a year and she just wasn't there for me at
all. She couldn't handle it. And I'd been there to pick up the pieces
for her so many times. I guess everyone has their limits and I should just
accept that...but it just HURTS.
Posted by kara lynne on August 14, 2003, at 13:52:42
In reply to Re: How do I get away from messed-up people?, posted by ROO on August 14, 2003, at 11:28:45
- And I'd been there to pick up the pieces for her so many times. I guess everyone has their limits and I should just
accept that...but it just HURTS.-This seems to be the story of so many of my friendships. It's so disappointing, and like you say, you never really recover from it.
I think for me the patteren started with my family. I was supposed to take care of my parents and brothers emotions, but my needs were unacceptable. I don't quite understand that.
Posted by Susan J on August 15, 2003, at 8:54:51
In reply to Re: How do I get away from messed-up people?, posted by ROO on August 14, 2003, at 11:28:45
You know, even though it hurts, I'd rather be the
person who is "there" for a friend, even if they can't be there for me. It "is" heartbreaking, but the people who have hurt me the most are the people who withdraw emotionally to protect themselves.I swear I'll never be one of those....
But I guess there's a happy medium out there, I hope, so I don't keep getting disappointed by people.
This is the end of the thread.
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