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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Wildflower on September 16, 2003, at 18:39:44
The reason I ask is that I dated someone off and on for 2 years. This person was (at times)verbally and mentally abusive towards me. Our paths have crossed again after not seeing each other or speaking for 4 months. He appears to have changed. Should I be weary? I care about him but I also need to care about myself. HELP!!!!
Posted by Dinah on September 16, 2003, at 18:56:21
In reply to Can people change?, posted by Wildflower on September 16, 2003, at 18:39:44
I've never actually had anyone in my acquaintance change their personality style significantly (at least not for the better), but I'm sure it can be done. However, it probably takes a fair amount of time and motivation. Probably a lot more than four months, I'm sorry to say. That's a pretty short time in terms of personality development.
I'd keep your guard up and, as you say, care about yourself.
Posted by emmaley on September 16, 2003, at 19:39:36
In reply to Re: Can people change? » Wildflower, posted by Dinah on September 16, 2003, at 18:56:21
My thoughts echo what Dinah wrote. Please take care of yourself..... :)
Posted by fallsfall on September 16, 2003, at 22:26:59
In reply to Can people change?, posted by Wildflower on September 16, 2003, at 18:39:44
I agree with Dinah and Emmaley. I think it is not uncommon for abusive people to be careful to put their best foot forward for a time, but then revert back to their previous behavior. Has *he* said that he has changed?
Posted by Wildflower on September 17, 2003, at 8:54:32
In reply to Re: Can people change? » Wildflower, posted by fallsfall on September 16, 2003, at 22:26:59
> I agree with Dinah and Emmaley. I think it is not uncommon for abusive people to be careful to put their best foot forward for a time, but then revert back to their previous behavior. Has *he* said that he has changed?
I've noticed a real change in him and he has admitted to a change. When we ended things, I sent him a few self helf books hoping he would read them. It appears he has but I'm so afraid to get back into a bad situation. He was my best friend and right now I really could use a friend ...or two.
On another note, I'm terrified that he'll find out I'm taking an AD again. Last time I was on them, he insisted that I stop and that meds were for weak people. According to him, he was all I needed. (Yes, he was a controlling person.)
I have such a hard time meeting people (very shy) that's why it's even harder for me to let go of the past.
Posted by emmaley on September 17, 2003, at 9:09:26
In reply to Re: Can people change?, posted by Wildflower on September 17, 2003, at 8:54:32
Dear Wildflower,
Are you in therapy right now? If so, maybe that's a good space to go over some of the things that are coming up right now. It really feels like a very rich opportunity to sort things out a bit. (Hope it's okay that I ask you this. Let me know if not? Thanks.)
There is perhaps a wildflower in every one of us, and what joy and a labor of love for us to help it blossom......perhaps this is a time that you are working something very important for yourself, how to self-care and self-nurture...etc.
Take care,
Posted by Wildflower on September 17, 2003, at 9:39:12
In reply to Re: Can people change?, posted by emmaley on September 17, 2003, at 9:09:26
> Dear Wildflower,
>
> Are you in therapy right now? If so, maybe that's a good space to go over some of the things that are coming up right now. It really feels like a very rich opportunity to sort things out a bit. (Hope it's okay that I ask you this. Let me know if not? Thanks.)
>
> There is perhaps a wildflower in every one of us, and what joy and a labor of love for us to help it blossom......perhaps this is a time that you are working something very important for yourself, how to self-care and self-nurture...etc.
>
> Take care,No, I'm not in therapy. My meds were prescribed by a family doctor. I have a very hard time talking to therapists so I've been avoiding going to one. The process of finding and trusting a doc is a bit more than I can handle right now.
Posted by fallsfall on September 17, 2003, at 19:00:28
In reply to Re: Can people change?, posted by Wildflower on September 17, 2003, at 8:54:32
On another note, I'm terrified that he'll find out I'm taking an AD again. Last time I was on them, he insisted that I stop and that meds were for weak people. According to him, he was all I needed. (Yes, he was a controlling person.)
I have such a hard time meeting people (very shy) that's why it's even harder for me to let go of the past.
It isn't his decision whether you should take ADs or not. That is between you and your doctor.If he was controlling and you are shy, that is not a good combination. I was married for 19 years to a man who thought that his job was to only make me happy (if he had to make a decision about something, he would think "What would Fallsfall choose?" and then choose that). I tend to be a bit bossy so we fit wonderfully. Except neither of us were happy. I was overloaded with responsibility, and he was passively agressively showing that he was resentful. I have decided that my next partner needs to be as strong as I am - to balance me. When the marriage started we were closer together, but as the years went on I became bossier and he became more mousey.
Don't stay with him because it is hard to make new friends. If you stay it should be because he is the BEST person for you. If he isn't the best, then staying will (in the long run) be harder than finding new friends.
These are such hard decisions.
Posted by stjames on September 19, 2003, at 12:44:30
In reply to Re: Can people change?, posted by Wildflower on September 17, 2003, at 8:54:32
I sent him a few self helf books hoping he would read them.
There is no way at all a few books are going to effect real change in an abusive person.
try something like several YEARS of thearpy
and several years of proof that the abusive nature has stopped. You cannot judge this over just a few months.
Posted by Wolf Dreamer on September 29, 2003, at 11:23:34
In reply to Re: Can people change?, posted by Wildflower on September 17, 2003, at 8:54:32
He is pretending he has changed to lure you back into an abusive controling relationship. Don't be fooled. He will only bring you misery. Thats how guys like that are.
This is the end of the thread.
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