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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jinglebts on October 3, 2003, at 2:21:38
my ADD husband was laid off about a month ago from a hi-tech company, and i'm afraid ... he gets angry when i ask what he's doing and shuts me out for days or weeks, we're in our fifties, i'm hypothyroid and so my sleep is all over the place and i'm depressed (broke my hip in may) ... i want to move to the city my daughter's in ....
there's a heap of papers in his office about four feet in diameter and two feet high and it completely blocks the closet so that i can't get into it, and i can't ask him about it -- NEVER (the ironing board is there, among other things and that's the only place for it)... but the main thing is, i don't know what he's doing on the job search front and my mum and i were so poor we lived in squalor, and I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT AGAIN!!! i have panic attacks over it ... but my husband, on the two occasions that he's been human, just says, "gee, it must have been awful to live like that ..."
and i'm afraid we'll get like that again just because we never discuss our spending (except to say that we're going to reduce it and get less take-out) ... he just takes money out of the bank willy nilly, and frankly he's hurt our (mine by my ex) daughter ...
i've just finished a crying jag (yes, we both have therapists and are in marriage counselling), i love this man and understand the shame he feels -- but i can't live with him because i'm afraid of being hurt, again and again -- he absolutely SLASHES me with words... what am i going to do?
jb
Posted by Chicklet on October 3, 2003, at 6:21:13
In reply to i'm desperate and afraid ,,,, posted by jinglebts on October 3, 2003, at 2:21:38
Hey JB, I'm Karen.
I'm sure you'll get some great responses from posters because there are many here who either have ADD or have children/mates/friends etc. that do.Is it possible that part of his anger is related to losing his job? I wonder if he's afraid too...
>>gets angry when i ask what he's doing and shuts me out for days or weeks
I don't know him or enough about the situation but I do know that (sweeping generalization to follow) it can be *especially* hard for the sole breadwinner (was I correct in the assumption that you aren't working?), ***especially when it's a man***, to lose a job. There are so many added pressures. It's so much more than a money situation. It's ego, pride, shame perhaps. I wonder if he feels bad that he's 'letting you down'. Man it must be so hard for you to feel as if you can't discuss this with him...sounds like you guys really got pounded by this.
>>but the main thing is, i don't know what he's doing on the job search
Maybe his counsellor is helping him in that arena- or you two could go address it with your counsellor...I think the area of spending and finances is one of the biggest stressors in a marriage if your styles vary.
>>"gee, it must have been awful to live like that ..."
>
I get annoyed when my hub doesn't react 'the way I'd like him to' as well. Sounds as if maybe your hub doesn't know what else to say...I don't know.
But having the knowledge that you are terrified of living poor again may be adding the pressure for him. ???? I don't know. I'm not that good at this.How awesome that you guys are in therapy! Sounds like a few things need to be addressed right away in marriage counselling...
organizational skills for him to employ as he continues his job search (the stress of losing a job PLUS having ADD must be so tough) AND
ways that you can support and help him in a way that will be less threatening or frustrating to him and more helpful and effective for you,Some tips on financial planning that may help you both work through this together, in a way that that he will find do-able (in the organization arena) and you will find reasonable. This alone could really help you guys get back on the right track.
Just see if you can remember that while it's super stressful for BOTH of you, he may also have that whole "I lost my job and i'm letting her down" mindset.
Ok, hope you got a little out of this. You guys will get through this. It's stress (times 5) for you both and I bet it feels really tense between you.
One thing at a time: helping you get back on track finacially, learning new ways of managing your money, coping with a loss of a job....
You get the picture. You know all of these things already...it's just that the situation is so stressful on so many levels, you can't help but feel overwhelmed...Take it easy jb, thinking of you in these tough times.
Karen
Posted by Susan J on October 4, 2003, at 15:05:29
In reply to i'm desperate and afraid ,,,, posted by jinglebts on October 3, 2003, at 2:21:38
Hang in there. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about ADD. It's wonderful that you are both in counseling. With good therapists, it is a godsend.
As far as your husband losing his job, I've been through this when my father just stopped working for no reason, leaving my mom (who had no skills and made almost nothing) to support the family with two kids in college. I've seen it in my uncle who just up and stopped working. I've seen in it two of my exes, one who was fired, one who went back to school but wouldn't work enough to earn enough to pay half our mortgage (I paid for *everything* else). And it's *really* not hard to earn $400 a month here in DC. And I've seen it in my best friend's boyfriend, who was laid off in the tech sector and has failed to find another job in 8 months.
But I do have to say that men handle unemployment differently than women do. Generalizing of course. Women sit, typing their resumes, through streams of tears and take any job they can get to keep the money coming in. They just reason that somewhere down the line, a more appropriate job will come up and they'll get it later. For now, put out fires, stay afloat.
Men, in general, seem to get absolutely paralyzed by a job loss. Like a fatal blow to their self-esteem. It's incapacitating. I don't know what it is, and have no answers here. But maybe that's something your therapist/counselor can help both of you see. How to effectively motivate your husband to find *something*, to assure him that he's not less of a man because he lost his job.
And I *do* know that when my exboyfriend went back to school and I was in effect supporting the household, it created a very unhealth imbalance of power. I didn't think any less of him because I was making 10 times what he did. I truly admired him for going back to school. But *he* thought less of himself for earning so much less. So little by little he stopped contributing in *other* ways. No cleaning the house, no doing laundry, no running errands, no cooking dinner, no nothing. And then I nagged. And nagged. And I became more the mother, and he more the son. It was awful. So I *obviously* did not handle his underemployment very well. I *know* my behavior didn't help. But I hope your therapist/counsellor can help both of you see how to cope with this very stressful situation.
I wish you the best, and I'll be thinking of you.
Susan
Posted by KimberlyDi on October 8, 2003, at 14:53:47
In reply to i'm desperate and afraid ,,,, posted by jinglebts on October 3, 2003, at 2:21:38
The two of you may be emotionally crippled by the same fear. He sounds like he's in denial, but underneath it, I'm sure it's just fear. Some men's entire identify is through their ability to support their family.
I'll be praying for you
KDi in TExas
> my ADD husband was laid off about a month ago from a hi-tech company, and i'm afraid ... he gets angry when i ask what he's doing and shuts me out for days or weeks, we're in our fifties, i'm hypothyroid and so my sleep is all over the place and i'm depressed (broke my hip in may) ... i want to move to the city my daughter's in ....
>
> there's a heap of papers in his office about four feet in diameter and two feet high and it completely blocks the closet so that i can't get into it, and i can't ask him about it -- NEVER (the ironing board is there, among other things and that's the only place for it)... but the main thing is, i don't know what he's doing on the job search front and my mum and i were so poor we lived in squalor, and I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT AGAIN!!! i have panic attacks over it ... but my husband, on the two occasions that he's been human, just says, "gee, it must have been awful to live like that ..."
>
> and i'm afraid we'll get like that again just because we never discuss our spending (except to say that we're going to reduce it and get less take-out) ... he just takes money out of the bank willy nilly, and frankly he's hurt our (mine by my ex) daughter ...
>
> i've just finished a crying jag (yes, we both have therapists and are in marriage counselling), i love this man and understand the shame he feels -- but i can't live with him because i'm afraid of being hurt, again and again -- he absolutely SLASHES me with words... what am i going to do?
>
> jb
Posted by jinglebts on October 8, 2003, at 16:59:41
In reply to It's gonna be ok, JB, posted by Chicklet on October 3, 2003, at 6:21:13
chicklet,
you are so reasonable and wise, and it's calmed me down ... yes, it is probably the case that my husband feels he's "let me down" (altho' i don't think he'd acknowledge it), and we haven't had a major "fight" (he closes off, i beat at him [a euphemism], it all turns mucky and i decide i can't live like this any more, yadda, yadda) ...
i'm on disability; i have some income (both from work and the gov't), so we're not absolutely destitute and as my mood improves (yes, i'm depressive, and being hypo makes me much worse) i see reason, and feel for him ... he's also got some "employment insurance" (another euphemism for the pittance they pay you when you're ...hmm... about to be re-employed but don't know when?) for the next few months ...
yup, it's hard when he has ADD and i think that he and his counsellor are working on that, but he's asked me not inquire (i can understand that too, altho' i wouldn't do it, and don't) ...
i know in my head "it's gonna be ok, jb", and thanks for calming me down ... we've already done SOME financial planning (we're hoping he'll get something by christmas -- if he doesn't, we'll go to our investment guy and see what the next step is ... perhaps selling the house but i wouldn't mind that -- i find myself wanting to live in an apartment downtown anyway), and i hope that everything WILL be ok ... my heart just gets carried away sometimes ...
thanks again ...
jb
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