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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shannon00 on November 25, 2003, at 22:01:05
>>(I posted this elsewhere but I think I was in the wrong forum so I'm reposting here)
Through therapy I have come to realise that my mom is an extreme narcissist. Although I don't wish to focus on my childhood/family in my future therapy, I cannot feel that I have been so wounded by my background and family that perhaps there is no hope for me.
Although I am certain that people have gone through much worse, I cannot help but feel that most people around me are better prepared for life and developing sustaining friendships than I am. This worry of mine is further supported by the fact that I constantly lose friendships and have scored moderate-to-high for all personality disorders but one (on an online test).
My mother is completely oblivious to my feelings. Although she loves me, she sees everything in terms of herself and refuses to validate ANYTHING I feel, whether positive, negative, or in-between. She has always been this way. I can't help but feel that this has turned me into an incredibly screwed up person. Although I *think* I'm a good person, caring about others and do *try* to be nonjudgmental, the fact that it is so hard for me to have sucessful relationships seems evidence to the contrary.
I am scared that I am as narcissistic, judgmental, thick-skulled and just plain impossible as my mother!
My question is...where can I go from here? Where to start? I don't even know how to identify areas to change. My family has so skewed my perception of what is normal that I expect constant putdowns and invalidations. When I'm around laidback, normal people I feel completely tense and can't even relate. (Obviously, I am some sort of freak of my family's making, haha) Please help! I need advice because I don't even know where to begin. I want to be normal and laidback and easy to get along with but I don't even know where to begin.
Lastly, I am saddled with guilt for feeling this way about my family. My family has done much for me and I love them, but that doesn't change the fact that they have (and continue to) hurt me very much by refusing to acknowledge my feelings and treat me as the individual I am.
I'm sorry if I've rambled. Thanks for your thoughts.
Posted by tabitha on November 26, 2003, at 2:32:17
In reply to Wounded by family...is it hopeless?, posted by Shannon00 on November 25, 2003, at 22:01:05
What you're describing sounds like the usual progress of therapy. You might need a phase of being quite angry and blaming toward your family. You don't necessarily confront them with your feelings, but you can allow the feelings to happen in therapy without adding guilt on top of the hurt and anger. It's not a small task to get over the effects of your family-- in fact it can be a lifetime task. Congratulations for starting to see the patterns. Keep up the good work.
Posted by fallsfall on November 26, 2003, at 18:47:25
In reply to Wounded by family...is it hopeless?, posted by Shannon00 on November 25, 2003, at 22:01:05
Invalidation is extremely painful. But it is not hopeless.
Has your therapist given you a diagnosis? That helped me to focus on what my core issues were. Taking online tests is fun, but please take them with a grain of salt - the online tests and my therapist have often disagreed (and I would rather trust my therapist).
I believe that, if you are motivated, issues related to most childhood traumas can be improved by therapy. But I also believe that for some people one kind of therapy can be more effective than another.
I had invalidation in my childhood (my mother just doesn't "get" emotions, and my dad was a workaholic so he didn't contribute much). I have been diagnosed as borderline (which, according to Marsha Linehan, is often caused by invalidation). The highest rated therapy for BPD is DBT - which is a variant of CBT. I took the DBT skills training class, and I did find it helpful. But the 8 1/2 years of CBT that I had, plus the DBT class, didn't fix my problem. I finally switched to Psychodynamic, which DOES go back to the childhood stuff, and - FOR ME - I think it will work better. Even though the CBT/DBT model is supposed to work better for the illness I have.
So, no! Don't give up hope. But be willing to be flexible about the solution (CBT vs. Psychodynamic, male vs. female therapist, meds vs. no meds) - if you find that the solution you try first isn't working for you.
This is the end of the thread.
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