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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by LynneDa on December 5, 2003, at 15:16:36
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 5, 2003, at 15:06:11
Hey, I was a cheerleader too! It does keep you active, but I guess the sports season is winding down, unless basketball has started. It's got to be hard to keep that smile on your face when you don't feel cheery, but sometimes forcing yourself to go through the motions helps you get outside of yourself for a bit.
What do you mean that you get frustrated and don't - don't cheer or don't work out? What is frustrating?
~ Lynne
Posted by sfmom on December 5, 2003, at 16:07:06
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 5, 2003, at 15:03:49
Geri,
Those are truly beautiful poems. This is the first time I've cried today, but they are tears of joy. Thank you so much for that and for sharing with us. You are an incredibly sensitive, strong and beautiful woman. Please keep writing and sharing with us. It means so much to me that you trust us with your deepest truths. And in return, below is a poem that I wrote when I was 21 and dealing with some sh*t of my own. Maybe it will help, maybe not, but I feel like sharing it.
What does it mean to be a woman?
Do you have to stop being a girl?
Will I know it when it happens?
Or did I already miss it while I was too caught
up in love songs and memories?And what does it mean to be a strong woman?
When we all have our moments of weakness when
faced with ourselves in the dead of a lonely night.
Is it in how we face the new day?
And just because we can get by without sinking,
does that make us independent?Or does it come in the knowledge that although we may never know these answers,
we will always be all of these things at once:
girl, daughter, sister, woman, mother, strong,
independent, and sometimes lonely.And yet by some miricle of God,
we also hold within us the power to give new life.
Is this then our purpose?And so then to my sisters, my dearest friends,
and most of all to my mother,
I thank you for your many gifts of love and strength that have made me the woman that I am
and the woman that I will continue to become.
You will always be a part of me just as I am a part of you.
For in moons, and in earth, and in blood,
these bonds that we share make us all One.11/20/95
Posted by sfmom on December 5, 2003, at 16:11:37
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by LynneDa on December 5, 2003, at 15:13:11
Please excuse my spelling errors in the above poem. . . My eyes were still teary from Geri's poems!
Posted by LynneDa on December 5, 2003, at 16:16:16
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by sfmom on December 5, 2003, at 16:07:06
Wow again! That is really poignant and definitely speaks to something we can all relate to! It is so hard to find your way and purpose sometimes; to figure out if you're on the right path and why you are faced with the dilemmas, crises and problems that come your way. But, we are all amazingly strong and we will persevere!! I have to trust that whatever I'm going through will make me stronger. I have to accept that there's a reason I'm being tested in this way. Some days I can do that and others it's a little harder!
Lyssa, I hope you are doing okay; it sounded like you were having a rough week. Hang in there!!!
~ Lynne
Posted by sfmom on December 5, 2003, at 16:35:10
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by LynneDa on December 5, 2003, at 16:16:16
Thanks Lynne. Yes, it's been a rough week and my daughter's 2nd birthday party is tomorrow and I just don't want to deal with it! Isn't that terrible? In looking through an old notebook to find my poem, I came across some other things I had written down. I can't take credit for them, they are Richard Bach, but reading them after all these years helped me so I thought I'd share them with you all too.
There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go.I spent my whole life becoming the person I am now, was it worth it?
Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there.
What you choose to do with them is up to you.
You're only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the mark of a fake messiah.
Posted by LynneDa on December 5, 2003, at 16:45:30
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone » LynneDa, posted by sfmom on December 5, 2003, at 16:35:10
Oh, I love those quotes. I know I have one of his books somewhere downstairs, in a box! I'll have to dig it out. It seems that no matter where life takes you and no matter how mature you seem to get, it's always helpful to be reminded of these simple truths!
It's certainly not terrible how you feel about tomorrow. Little kid parties are very exhausting! I'm sure you have it all planned out and just let your schedule carry the day. I am sure your daughter will be so wrapped up in the fun, she won't notice if you're a little less than enthusiastic!
Have a good weekend everyone . . . try to keep a positive thought in the front of your mind - there is a reason you are here and each one of us is so special. (((( HUGS )))) for you all!
Posted by fallsfall on December 5, 2003, at 21:40:56
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 5, 2003, at 15:06:11
Geri,
Thanks for sharing your poems with us. The person you talk about in the second one - have you talked to them about what is going on now?
I understood that your friends were not receptive to you, and you hadn't told them of your depression. One of the reasons that therapy is helpful for depression is that by the time you figure out that you have it, and get it under control (with meds or therapy or luck), you have probably messed up a good portion of your relationships. Depressed people aren't a whole lot of fun, usually. They can be negative and crabby and unreasonable (at least *I* can, when I'm depressed). To people on the outside, who don't know *why* the person has suddenly "changed", this can be a problem. So lots of times, but the time someone has figured out that they have depression, they have already alienated a bunch of their friends. Maybe this is what has happened with you and your friends. It is work to get the relationships back, but I find that if people know that I have a problem - BUT I'm working on it - that they are much more patient with me.
Please let us know how you are doing.
Posted by sfmom on December 5, 2003, at 21:44:38
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by LynneDa on December 5, 2003, at 16:45:30
Lynne, thanks for the encouragement. I'm saving a Klonopin just for the party though!
Geri, I meant to ask you earlier, can you please tell us a little more about your poems? Does it make you feel better to write them? How does it feel to know that you have created something beautiful from that brain of yours that is also causing you so much pain? I don't know if you believe in a soul, but part of my healing has been that I have to embrace the good and the bad, the beautiful and the painful aspects of myself--or else I wouldn't be being true to myself. Just something for you to ponder. I can't read any more posts tonight because my daughter is going to bed and like an idiot, the computer is still in her room! But I'll check in first thing in the morning and would love to hear from you. Like I say to my daughter every night, "Good night, God bless, sweet dreams, you are loved."
Posted by fallsfall on December 5, 2003, at 21:48:09
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone » LynneDa, posted by sfmom on December 5, 2003, at 16:35:10
Ah, 2 year old's birthday parties... Just don't expect them to pay attention or do anything together. If something does come together it's a miracle! If they can run around and scream, they'll be happy.
I hope you can enjoy the party.
Posted by geri122 on December 7, 2003, at 18:23:17
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by sfmom on December 5, 2003, at 21:44:38
I write beacuse it lets me express myself. It helps me relxa you know, get my feelings on in a way where people won't judge me. I also write stories, sometimes about a life i want or a life i can't have or just a story to let me forget what is going on around me.
I get frustrateed at cheerleading because i don't seem to have patience any more. The littlest thing will put me off. You want to hear something sad. I don't want to lift, ( a mound where you throw the girl in the air) because i am afraid that i won't catch her. You see the girl that is thrown up is a friend, well someone that was supposed to be my friend, but caused a lot of pain. I feel guiltty not telling her but she will nevr undertstand. i know she won't.
I guess just being by myself is a lot better
Posted by fallsfall on December 7, 2003, at 18:29:25
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 7, 2003, at 18:23:17
Hi Geri,
Did you see this post below? http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031124/msgs/287185.html I think the two of you may have some things in common.
I know that it is hard to keep reaching out to people, but I have learned that, for me, in the end it is much harder if I *don't* reach out to people. It is always risky, and sometimes you get hurt, but I find that people are helpful more often than they hurt me.
How are you feeling at night, these days? Has it gotten any better?
Have you given any more thought to talking to your teacher?
I was glad to see a post from you today.
Posted by sfmom on December 8, 2003, at 10:52:36
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 7, 2003, at 18:23:17
That's great that you write stories too. I've tried my hand at stories a couple of times but they never turned out the way I wanted them to. If you're comfortable sharing some of your stories here, I would really, really love to read them.
As far as your friend who is also a cheerleader (by the way, thanks for explaining the cheerleading terminology for me, I went to a really small high school that didn't even have a football team much less a cheerleading squad) I know that you doubt yourself and it's totally okay to fantasize about not catching her and seeing her in a little bit of pain, but I know that you wouldn't actually not catch her, that's just not who you are. So don't feel badly about having those kind of thoughts, we all have them. But at the same time, we have to live our lives with compassion for others as well as ourselves. My dad once told me, when I was in high school and worried about what people would think about me (I didn't exactly fit in) that the only thing I can really give to another person is my truth, and they can take it or leave it, but it still remains MY truth.
So, what if you did tell her about how she let you down? What's the worst that would happen? Then think about the best that could happen. Well, it will probably be somewhere in between. Would that be so bad? Would it be worth having said your truth out loud to her? Just some things to think about.
Remember that I'm thinking about you. And please post to us soon to let us know how you're doing.
Posted by sfmom on December 10, 2003, at 9:43:43
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone » geri122, posted by sfmom on December 8, 2003, at 10:52:36
Hi Geri,
We haven't heard from you for a few days so I just wanted to check in with you to see how you've been doing. I miss hearing from you.
Posted by LynneDa on December 10, 2003, at 12:51:05
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 7, 2003, at 18:23:17
Hi everyone! I've been out of work with a horrible head cold, so haven't been posting. I can barely talk still, so thank goodness for email. Anyway . . . How's everyone doing? Lyssa, how was the party?
Geri, how are you feeling? I understand your frustration and impatience with some of your friends. That can come with being in a bad mood and feeling depressed. But, it could also be a sign that you're wanting to find your voice and speak out when things bother you. I don't mean just the big issues, but the little things that bug you during the day. Are you the type who never speaks up cuz you want to keep the peace? That was me until recently, the peace-maker. It can help to vent - kindly and constructively - when someone ticks you off instead of letting things build up. When you get comfortable doing that, you may be comfortable talking about the big things.
The other side of the frustration and impatience coin is - that is part of depression sometimes - anger. I had/have a lot of that. Some of it is rational and some is not! I notice it more right before my period is to come. Have you noticed anything cyclical in your moods throughout the month? I kept track of it on my calendar. I would rate my anger, anxiety and depression levels on a scale of 1 - 5. This helped my doctor diagnose me. This is kind of personal, but have you had your first OB/GYN visit yet? He/she would be a good person to talk to about this. That's who I first talked to last year. It was such a relief when I "spilled my guts" to him and he said what I was feeling was treatable!!
Hang in there and keep telling us how you feel. That gives us clues as to what is going on with you and maybe gives us ideas of how to help.
Have you thought about talking to a teacher or anyone else? Maybe your increase in frustration and impatience could be the topic instead of going right into depression!
Have a good week and write soon :-)
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:04:25
In reply to Geri, how are you doing?, posted by sfmom on December 10, 2003, at 9:43:43
yeah it has been hard to get on. my dad is now watching me when i am on the inter. i am afraid he will read. just the other day i saw him on the comp looking through my stuff. No privacy. im just tired.. that just pushes me away even more. I am afraid to pst here now, he might read. i don't want any problem.. (more that is) im just scareda dn frustrarted LIfe sucks.
Posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:08:14
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by LynneDa on December 10, 2003, at 12:51:05
I do want to speak out but i don't cus i do want peace. its not fair tho... they can speak their minds and i can't. i thought u guys said it would get easier. its not... not at all
Posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:08:52
In reply to Re: Geri, how are you doing?, posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:04:25
Geri - I'm sorry to hear that. I really would like to know how you think your Dad would react if he knew you were very sad and reaching out for help - as evidenced by your posts here. As a parent, the only reaction I think I'd have is astonishment and maybe a little anger that my daughter didn't come to me with her problems in the first place. I wish I could understand what you are afraid of in talking to your parents. Just rejection or would there be a consequence? I'd be happy to talk to him if that would help.
~ Lynne
P.S. my work # is 1-800-222-8215 x9507 if you need to call.
Posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:11:05
In reply to Re: Geri, how are you doing?, posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:08:52
anger would be the word. like i have said before he would think i am faking... its just not easy and i don't want to deal with it. I mean yea yeah after a hile he would understand, but i don't want to wait a while i don't want to explain. I shouldn't have to
Posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:13:30
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:08:14
Honey, the only way to get better is to push thru the really bad stuff. You have to go thru that process to get to a place where you can start healing. I'm sorry, but that has to be your next step. You can only go there if you're ready. But, whatever the consequences, it can't be as bad as how you feel on a daily basis, can it? It took me many years to learn that keeping the peace is not always worth it - it's good in the short term, but is unhealthy and totally disabling in the long term!
It's true that parents get to speak their minds and kids don't. I have that habit with my daughter at times. It's all in the way you do it. Don't tell them what they're doing wrong. Stick to "I" statements and talk about your feelings. I wish I could be a fly on the wall and help talk you thru a conversation with them. I know it is not easy!!!!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:17:12
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:13:30
yeah ur rights its not easy.. and i know i need to take that srep. I was acually thinking about haveig my friend that i told come to the coucler with me.. you know for support. im getting there it just takes time
Posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:21:09
In reply to Re: Geri, how are you doing?, posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:11:05
What would he be angry about, that you are causing a rift in the family? That you are trying to get attention? Is it about what they are not doing for you or is it more about the fact you feel empty and sad inside and are having trouble coping with life right now? If he or your mom feel uncomfortable dealing with emotions, feelings and talking, can you ask them if you can see a counselor? Would that freak them out and embarass them?
I totally understand that you don't feel like hassling with it right now. It's exhausting. I'm trying to think of ways to build up your emotional strength so you can feel brave enough to do this. I know it's tough.
I don't know your whole situation, but you do have to explain it to your parents - how your thoughts evolved to the point they are at right now. Children are a mystery to us adults. We remember what it was like, but each one of you are different and see things differently than we did. Sometimes we need a little guidance from you :-)! It may only take a few words or conversations to get your point across and then he may get it.
Please do what's best for you right now. Whatever that is, I support you. I just want you to find some relief!!!
~ Lynne
Posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:23:42
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:17:12
Great idea . . . you are definitely getting there and I am proud of you. You should be proud of yourself cuz you are thinking through your issues and trying to find solutions for them. Keep thinking about what's best for you . . . I know that is a risky and unfamiliar thought pattern, but in the end it will be okay!!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:25:56
In reply to Re: Geri, how are you doing?, posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:21:09
please don't always worry about me.. i don't want to worry. Im not going to hurt myself any any one else ast that natter. ill be ok.. please don't worry
Posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:27:28
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:23:42
im trying to get better be happy and because of people like you i will.. thanks u soo much for everything... because of people like you i can often smile and say people do really care
Posted by LynneDa on December 12, 2003, at 15:29:45
In reply to Re: Geri, how are you doing?, posted by geri122 on December 12, 2003, at 15:25:56
OK, I won't worry :-). But I'm a nurturer and problem-fixer by nature, so my instinct is to want to guide you until you can start feeling better - I know, that's not my job!
I don't think you are at risk for harming yourself or others. I just know how awful it feels to be sad and I am so much more stable myself since I started on meds and go to counseling every other month or so. I have 2 or 3 great friends who understand what I'm feeling and that has made all the difference. Just know we're here for you if you have no one else and need to talk, vent or want encouragement, ok?
~ Lynne
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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