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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on March 10, 2004, at 1:06:24
The thing is, nobody likes me. I have a few friends and they tolerate me because I usually have more money, cooler toys, etc. than they do.
I never have money and my stuff's not that cool. I am so agitated and I don't know if it's the Abilify or just me. And if I'm being treated for depression, why am I taking that? I think my pdoc doesn't tell me because he's frustrated with me because meds don't work so far. He won't tell me what he REALLY thinks because he doesn't actually like me. Nobody really does. The guy at the checkout counter thinks I'm a freak. Most everybody does. My neighbors think I'm spying on them. They are actually spying on me.
I don't even know what I am. Depressed? Borderline? schitzoaffecive? hysterical? Is here a label? Or is it really not all that bad, even though I can't function?
I feel like I have to tell lies to get by, even if it's not neccesary.
Even my animals don't want me around. It feels like they are judging me.
I don't belong at work. I can't even do a simple cashier's job. My coworkers hate me. Sometimes they're nice but that's only because I amuse them. Most of the customers are scared of me. The ones that aren't want to hurt me.
One munite I'm fine the next I'm in emotional h*ll. I hope I don't delete this.
I get these great ideas and grand thouhts and in a few hours to a few days it's the dumbest thing and not to bother pursuing because the idea's not worth it.
Besides all this sh*t, I'm Dysgraphic and Dyscalculic. Many time my muscle paine is too much to deal with. It's constant and refractory.
I cannnot work.
I cannot deal with all of this.
I cannot continue to live with my parents, but I have nowhere else to go.I don't know why I wrote all if this, most of is secret. Perhaps I'm just being dramatic. I suppose I had to get it off my chest and let Babble judge who SDjeff really is.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 10, 2004, at 1:11:45
In reply to Frustrated, posted by socialdeviantjeff on March 10, 2004, at 1:06:24
SDjeff is amazing! Hugely valued by all here, and a beautiful spirit. I'm sorry you are having so much pain right now. It sounds like you have much more than enough on your plate to deal with. Please hang in there, and I'm glad you are posting. This is a great place for support, and you add so much.
Take gentle care of yourself,
gg
Posted by fayeroe on March 10, 2004, at 6:27:08
In reply to Re: Frustrated, posted by gardenergirl on March 10, 2004, at 1:11:45
SDJ: you are valued HERE! Hang in there. A big hug to you this a.m. Pat
Posted by Karen_kay on March 10, 2004, at 7:38:27
In reply to Frustrated, posted by socialdeviantjeff on March 10, 2004, at 1:06:24
I know who SDJeff is and this is he:
caring
a loving father
a wonderful man who is trying just like everyone else
a good friend of mineIs it possible to see a different Pdoc? One you may click with better? I felt like you do too, at one time. But, I found the meds that worked for me and I feel like a whole different person. Just remember that you aren't alone. And remember that I like you. And remember that others here do too. And remember that your daughter loves you. And remember that things will get better, even if for a week. It's that week of better times that keeps us all going. What can I do to make your week better? Drop me an email if you feel like talking hun, I'll listen.
Posted by Tootercat on March 10, 2004, at 7:43:07
In reply to Frustrated, posted by socialdeviantjeff on March 10, 2004, at 1:06:24
Jeffy,
How brave of you to put your innermost feelings and fears out there. That takes alot of courage which alot of people don't have. It seems that you are being "tested" right now and maybe for longer than you feel you can handle. Please hang in there and keep reaching out for the support. Don't give up and make it known to your doc that the meds may or may not be working. You are cared for and needed.
Toots
Posted by fallsfall on March 10, 2004, at 9:39:29
In reply to Frustrated, posted by socialdeviantjeff on March 10, 2004, at 1:06:24
I would be frustrated, too.
Do try to be very clear with your pdoc. You are paying for his attention, so don't worry about whether he likes you or not (maybe he likes you more than you think...).
Do you have a therapist? Perhaps a therapist could help you adjust to a world where you really feel disliked. Maybe you aren't disliked as much as you think you are, and maybe there are some things that you can do so that when you *are* disliked it isn't so devistating to you.
I certainly like you.
Posted by Poet on March 10, 2004, at 21:06:58
In reply to Frustrated, posted by socialdeviantjeff on March 10, 2004, at 1:06:24
Hi Jeff,
Don't label yourself as unlikeable, you're not. Your daughter loves you, and I'll bet your pets do, too.
It's okay to share your secrets with us. I'm never going to label or judge you. You seem like me, very hard on yourself. I'll try to lessen my self-hatred, you try, too.
Poet
Posted by All Done on March 11, 2004, at 10:20:47
In reply to Frustrated, posted by socialdeviantjeff on March 10, 2004, at 1:06:24
I'm sorry you're having a difficult time, SDJ.
I will tell you that like the other Babblers here I like you, too. And my son likes you. I mean, just yesterday, as he was putting his socks in the hamper, he said, "you know, that socialdeviantjeff? I really like him. He helped me to learn to put my socks in the hamper instead of the garbage." Well, okay, maybe it was more like this, "socks. Yea!" and he clapped his hands, but I knew what he was thinking :).
I hope you're feeling better today.
(((SDJ)))
Take care,
All Done
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on March 11, 2004, at 12:57:07
In reply to Re: Frustrated » socialdeviantjeff, posted by All Done on March 11, 2004, at 10:20:47
Thank you everyone. I really mean that. I feel so fortunate to have come across such a great group of people. all of you and all of Babble are certainly worth your weight in gold.
I feel better today. That seems to be how it goes. one day I'm ok (with a few minor issues), the next I'm a train wreck. All the drugs I've tried are either neurotoxic or inneffective. PB in a lot of ways has become my therapy. I can't afford a T, even on a sliding scale. Yesterday I was quite deluted with those thouhts. Today I can at least consciously tell myself that I have friends IRL (even though I rarely go out) and in Babble (which means a lot) and that my daughter does love me.
I'm thinking of taking my first post and my latest post on the meds board to my pdoc. A little nervous about it but I can never seem to clearly explain what is going on.
Hoping everyone is doing well today.....
Posted by rainyday on March 11, 2004, at 13:51:50
In reply to Re: A little less Frustrated, posted by socialdeviantjeff on March 11, 2004, at 12:57:07
Good to hear you are having a better day today. Me, too. I think printing the posts out and showing them is a great idea. When I am less disorganized, I try to go to my appointments with a list of stuff to talk about. For example, yesterday I was a train wreck without a train. Today I'm a little bewildered that I feel better (who on earth? what is different?) and doubly anxious that I'll deep-six again.
My next appointment isn't for another week, and by then who knows who -- I mean HOW I'll be then.
Just remember to keep using this board. I really do think it helps.
rainyday
Posted by pegasus on March 11, 2004, at 23:25:51
In reply to Frustrated, posted by socialdeviantjeff on March 10, 2004, at 1:06:24
Hi Jeff,
I've never posted to you before, but I often read your posts, and I just wanted to say that I think you sound like a great person. So, *I* like you a lot. I'm always glad to see your posts. I was very sad to read about how frustrated you've been. And, glad that things seem to be getting a bit better for you. I hope that trend continues. It sounds like you have a lot that you're struggling with, and I wish you tons of luck.
- p
Posted by PoohBear on March 12, 2004, at 11:38:31
In reply to Frustrated, posted by socialdeviantjeff on March 10, 2004, at 1:06:24
Jeff:
I shared some of the same things you mentioned with my pDoc last Fall and she said I was definitely depressed. She started me on Effexor at my request and the last 4-5 months have been some of the most wonderful in my 47 years *DESPITE* my wife battling cancer, etc, etc.
I really hope that you can find a medication that helps you deal with your feelings of worthlessness and parinoia. I pray that you can find a therapist that can help you deal with you feelings of inadequacy.
You are valuable and special; don't listen to any inner voices that would tell you otherwise. As others have said, we are here for you. I don't want to step on any toes or mean to offend in any way, but might I suggest going to church? I personally define my self-worth by my relationship to Christ, not what my inner voice or others might say.
I'd say good luck, but I don't believe in luck, so God Bless!
Tony
> The thing is, nobody likes me. I have a few friends and they tolerate me because I usually have more money, cooler toys, etc. than they do.
>
> I never have money and my stuff's not that cool. I am so agitated and I don't know if it's the Abilify or just me. And if I'm being treated for depression, why am I taking that? I think my pdoc doesn't tell me because he's frustrated with me because meds don't work so far. He won't tell me what he REALLY thinks because he doesn't actually like me. Nobody really does. The guy at the checkout counter thinks I'm a freak. Most everybody does. My neighbors think I'm spying on them. They are actually spying on me.
>
> I don't even know what I am. Depressed? Borderline? schitzoaffecive? hysterical? Is here a label? Or is it really not all that bad, even though I can't function?
>
> I feel like I have to tell lies to get by, even if it's not neccesary.
>
> Even my animals don't want me around. It feels like they are judging me.
>
> I don't belong at work. I can't even do a simple cashier's job. My coworkers hate me. Sometimes they're nice but that's only because I amuse them. Most of the customers are scared of me. The ones that aren't want to hurt me.
>
> One munite I'm fine the next I'm in emotional h*ll. I hope I don't delete this.
>
> I get these great ideas and grand thouhts and in a few hours to a few days it's the dumbest thing and not to bother pursuing because the idea's not worth it.
>
> Besides all this sh*t, I'm Dysgraphic and Dyscalculic. Many time my muscle paine is too much to deal with. It's constant and refractory.
>
> I cannnot work.
> I cannot deal with all of this.
> I cannot continue to live with my parents, but I have nowhere else to go.
>
> I don't know why I wrote all if this, most of is secret. Perhaps I'm just being dramatic. I suppose I had to get it off my chest and let Babble judge who SDjeff really is.
>
>
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on March 14, 2004, at 0:10:11
In reply to Re: Frustrated » socialdeviantjeff, posted by PoohBear on March 12, 2004, at 11:38:31
Thanks all. I just hope soon that I'm in a position where I could repay all of your kind words.
Today was/is pretty rough. I talked to my mom about my ideations. She has no empathy but at least she listens.
I wish I could get a T. Can't afford one. I tried a free program 2 years ago through an EAP. She tried to sell me her book on the first session. I still hate her guts for that. sadly I have some religion issues that keep me from having faith as an outlet.
I got in touch with a former GF. She wanted me to call her today. tried twice. She never called back. I hate how I'll go out on a limb and nothing happens. I know I'm awfulizing and rumination a lot more than I should, but knowing isn't helping. grrrr.
Posted by fallsfall on March 14, 2004, at 10:04:43
In reply to Re: still Frustrated, posted by socialdeviantjeff on March 14, 2004, at 0:10:11
You might look to see if there is a support group in your area (I go to a "Depression support group", but anyone with a mental illness (or who is involved with someone with a mental illness) is welcomed). Check with your local hospital to see if they know of any groups - and look in the newspaper, or call a therapy clinic nearby and ask if they know of any free support groups.
Good luck!
This is the end of the thread.
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