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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rainyday on March 10, 2004, at 10:36:33
OK guys. Every time my spouse goes out of town I bury myself in booze - an alcoholic holiday, if you like. I despise this about myself - lying to him (he either has no idea or is afraid I will flip out if he confronts me), giving in, feeling remorse and incidently, like dying. The problem is, when I am by myself, I would rather not be present :(
Why can't I just be by myself without trying to run away from me? Who would want to feel so crummy and such a failure? AA is NOT a safe environment for me - I have gone from a meeting to a bar in the past.
Believe it or not, I am having a good day so far.
Posted by Tootercat on March 10, 2004, at 11:19:50
In reply to Psychic Psycho Babble request, posted by rainyday on March 10, 2004, at 10:36:33
Rainy,
I've been sober for 14 years now. I know all about secret drinking. I am curious though why AA is not a "safe" environment. AA and the support and tools it has given me to live my life instead of survive my life has saved my butt more times than I can count on all my digits.
I can sense the tremendous amount of pain and hope that you can a find whatever path it is that you need in order to heal.Toots
Posted by rainyday on March 10, 2004, at 12:18:42
In reply to Re: Psychic Psycho Babble request » rainyday, posted by Tootercat on March 10, 2004, at 11:19:50
> Rainy,
>
> I've been sober for 14 years now. I know all about secret drinking. I am curious though why AA is not a "safe" environment.Because it's not the least bit anonymous. When I moved here 3 years ago, the first job I had, the person training me told me what meetings she went to and which patients in the practice (it was a dental office) went where. I didn't even open my mouth about me being an alcoholic - she just volunteered it all. This is way too small a town. So I don't go. I know I could drive farther and be safer? someplace where they don't know me, but I don't.
Posted by Tootercat on March 10, 2004, at 14:22:40
In reply to Re: Psychic Psycho Babble request, posted by rainyday on March 10, 2004, at 12:18:42
Well that was certainly breaking anonymity and I can understand your trepidation. My question is what consequences would there be if somebody saw you? These days it is not as big a stigma. And yes if you really think you have a problem that you need to address I would say it is worth going a little farther to save a precious life....yours.
I don't want to sound harsh or pushy. For me I just know that if I want help and the pain outweighs the fears I will go to any length to get it. You are worth it!!!
Posted by rainyday on March 10, 2004, at 14:43:12
In reply to Re: Psychic Psycho Babble request » rainyday, posted by Tootercat on March 10, 2004, at 14:22:40
Thank you tootercat. I have a really hard time thinking I'm worth it. No anxiety today but, hey! I traded it in for my self esteem. Sheesh, it's really one or the other lately. I had to cut my AD in half (effexor xr) because of high blood pressure, and my depression is right where I left it. I feel like an onion whose skin has been peeled to get rid of the dead stuff but there's nothing left under it all.
I really don't want to start crying at work again. Ta-ta for now.
Posted by Tootercat on March 10, 2004, at 16:09:35
In reply to Re: Psychic Psycho Babble request » Tootercat, posted by rainyday on March 10, 2004, at 14:43:12
Well kinda..... You do not have to sacrifice integrity or self worth or self esteem to deal with anxiety. I wanted to die this past December because of depression and panic attacks. I came to work only as shell of a person; taking a shower almost physically exhausted me; eating was an unknown function ( I lost 33 lbs). Each day I had to find the strength to put one foot in front of the other. I saw absolutely no end in sight to the sadness and fear.
The way to keep you from sinking is to do what you are doing... reach out. It is good to do it on here; however, if at all possible it would also help to have people who can help support you from an "in person" standpoint. Hugs are sometimes the best meds in the whole world. And you are not weaker by asking for this help; you are made stronger by doing so.
Show me a bridge that doesn't have supports and I will show you an inferior structure that is not able to carry the burden(s) that are sometimes required. Life has challenges and always will. How we meet those challenges determines the quality of our life. It is not a matter of win or lose, succeed or fail it is doing our very best (and sometimes that is just getting out of bed and not succumbing to the feeling of defeat)to take care of ourselves. When we take care of ourselves it filters out to other aspects of our life.
And what ever voice that is telling you that you don't deserve to think you are worth it tell it to take a hike. Easier said than done? Just try it.....eventually you can be like Nike and you'll just DO IT!I wish you the very best!
Toots
Posted by Elle2021 on March 12, 2004, at 2:02:05
In reply to Psychic Psycho Babble request, posted by rainyday on March 10, 2004, at 10:36:33
I know what it feels like not to want to be alone with yourself. Do you have friends or family that can come visit and stay with you while your spouse is gone? Or can you go stay with them? Could you volunteer somewhere? I try to keep myself busy when I'm alone. I understand your feelings about AA...that isn't very anonymous in a small town. I think you have a good idea about driving to another town for a meeting. Whatever helps you. Maybe ask your therapist for some ideas. Between the two of you, I'm sure you guys can come up with some great alternatives. All the best to you.
Elle
Posted by rainyday on March 12, 2004, at 13:07:22
In reply to Re: Psychic Psycho Babble request » rainyday, posted by Elle2021 on March 12, 2004, at 2:02:05
Thanks for the well wishes and suggestions. I got through it OK. My family are hundreds of miles away, on the opposite coast or other countries :(
I don't have friends really, in the outside world. Work buddies, but we go our separate ways after the whistle blows. Besides, I wouldn't dare let my armor down with someone from work! I have experienced betrayal before. As it is, no one can imagine that I suffer from any illnesses.
rainyday
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